DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

Hi Ruby I've no advice for you, as no experience of it.

Just a "heads up" as the saying goes, that these forums are public, and sometimes a thread ends up on the GN Facebook page, on Twitter or even the Daily Mail... don't give too much personal info away.

Good luck.

Would you feel better if your kids hated their father because of the affair?

Would you feel justice had been dealt?

Would you have extracted your revenge?

Would you be happier?

Do you still love him? and he you?

Thanks grannyknot
I haven't given away too much have I?

Yes Baggs we're still very much in love but our marriage is very fragile.

It's not about revenge at all

Just don't give away anything that can identify you. e.g. I presume Ruby is not your name, or your family nickname.

Your children are all 18+. I would be very surprised if they don't know already. Whether they would wish to discuss it with you is another matter. What would you do if they turned round and supported their father?
I can understand your bitterness, (been there myself) but it seems that your purpose is punishment: 'confessing the sin', 'all about protecting him' and I really don't think it is fair to involve the children. Would it make your fragile marriage stronger?

You still seem quite bitter about it Ruby. Have you talked to your Relate Counsellor about this aspect.

I'm with GA in that, generally, openness is the best thing but, sometimes isn't. I also think that baggs has made some good points.

I would never involve my children in my marriage problems,its non of their business,it would only cause bad feeling between them and their dad and its not ever a good idea to make a parent "the bad guy" .Deal with YOUR issues yourself or with your husband but please leave your children out of it

I agree with paddyann. It is never a good idea to make one parent the bad guy. The children are half his. Maybe it is about protecting him, but they are his as much as yours, so you will be protecting them as well.
Telling them just looks like revenge, why make them unhappy and put them in a position where they might feel they have to choose between you.

They have no idea.
Of course I still feel bitter about it.

Ok, Thanks for the advice each and every on of you.

I m wondering why you are asking this question now and not sometime during the two years Were you hoping to be able to put it all behind you and not need to tell anyone and now aren’t sure that you are able to forgive and forget You do say I m not sure we will get through this to be honest

As you are still having ongoing counselling with relate why not discuss this with your counsellor who knows much more about your story

I think if you still love each other very much and you ve had two years ongoing help what is stopping you from Moving on with your marriage In my opinion you either forgive and forget however hard it is, or you part

You haven’t said if it was a one off or a long term betrayal you have said you know what triggered it which implies there was a trigger which hopefully would be avoided in future I think when you say “ it’s all about the children and protecting him” you sound still very aggrieved so maybe your anger has been covered over but not fully emerged yet and maybe that IS telling in your reason for feeling you want people to know not so much about punishing him but about fairness to you the innocent party

I'm still very angry yes and feeling I probably need to end it.
I have little support and telling others is probably more about that than punishing him.

Its understandable that you need to talk about it, and get some input from others. You'll certainly get that here, with a variety of opinions. Some things need to be discussed from all different angles, so its good that you've felt able to post here.

Ruby Is it possible that your children do know, but don’t realise that you know as well? They may think that they are shielding you!

Ruby, what a dilemma. I imagine if you told your children about their father's affair they'd be disgusted with him and angry, and feel sorry for you.

All I know is most of the horrible things my ex did which both hurt, upset and disgusted me I have kept quiet about. I could so easily poison my childrens' minds against their father. I wanted them to grow up and know their Dad.

He showed no remorse but to sully his character and have his children think bad of him would be an act of revenge and would hurt my children and affect their relationship with their father. I don't need their sympathy. Therefore the past has been buried. It is water under the bridge.

I imagine your husband has shown remorse? If he is genuinely contrite and regrets the affair I'd let sleeping dogs lie. It sounds as if you still need reassurance and closure, given you still have counselling. See how you feel when your sessins have finished and ask yourself if it would benefit anyone if your children knew about their father's infidelity.

Best wishes Ruby. The wound takes a long time to heal.

Keeping it from your children is not so much about protecting him but protecting your marriage in its current state.

If you manage to work through this crisis and stay together I think it's better they don't know or there's a danger of more spanners being thrown in the works.

If, however, you decide it's the end of the road then your DH should shoulder the responsibility of explaining the situation.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide.

Thanks

The children definitely don't know.

What is there to be gained by telling your children? They love both of you and benefit to being unaware of unpleasant behaviour, I would think.

Even if you end it, there is no need for your children to know why you don't get along, is there? Honesty, in this situation, would be over spun.

I feel you shouldn't tell your children. It is your marriage, not theirs and they would probably feel torn between you or turn against their father.
If you do decide to split up, then you or your husband can tell them this is why.

Secrets within families (or indeed friendships) are corrosive and stressful; and if/when it all comes out, the pain of the knowledge will be exacerbated by the revelation of years of deceit. I think openness can be a good thing.

I agree that openness can be a good thing but not that not telling one kids something about one's marriage difficulties is 'deceit'. Secrecy is a different fish from deceit. People are allowed to have secrets.

ruby, even if your children don't know at the moment, if you are struggling with your marriage, they'll have noticed that.

Ruby putting it bluntly after two years you either have to forgive and forget or move on by yourself. Only you know if your marriage is worth fighting for.

Your children probably do know (children are very perceptive) They will sense a difference in your attitude to DH at least. BUT what good does it do telling them about it now as you are still hoping to sort it?

You say you are still very much in love? So that kind of says you don't actually want to split up? Therefore, you need to work on YOU. Understand why you can't move on. Are you afraid its not over, or that he will do it again? Telling your children will not help you move on. It will only cause more friction in your family.

Of course if you do decide you can't get over this and you do decide you want to end your marriage then yes, you should tell your children at that point.

JMO

Ruby21, I noticed in one of your comments , you mention that others replies are all about protecting him, so I think you understandably still have alot of anger bottled up, so you would definitely benefit by talking to a counsellor , perhaps that would help you decide if you want your children to know or not. I think part of you wants them to see another side to him, which is understandable but if you protect them , you also have to live with forever protecting him. Good luck

Bridgeit...not sure I agree with your statement about living forever protecting DH? Why would OP want her children to see another side of him just...because......? What? He made a mistake? IF its a one off and OP wants to recover from this and move on to have a fabulous relationship with her DH then why do the children have to be brought into it at all? She doesn't have to live with protecting him for ever! Hopefully they will have many more years of happy married years. No reason anyone should know anything. Protecting 'him' forever is a bit eroneous.

Bluegal I think the poster has made it quite clear that she’s very unsure that she can move on to a fabulous future relationship in fact she actually says ‘ I think I perhaps should end it’ I think after 2 years in counselling she is probably coming to the realisation that this is not going away
( I bet your children do know Ruby unless they live away from home and don’t see the two of you very often, even if nothing has been said to them)