DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

Would it help you decide whether to tell them or not if you imagined it was you who had the affair? There are a lot of emotions involved with this situation, its very difficult to choose which would be of more help & settling for you. Perhaps give yourselves some time before making a decision.

I feel 2 years is enough time.

Timing is crucial but as I have decided to end the marriage I do feel it's important that they know. The process will be easier with full honestly surely? We can tell no-one if we don't tell them. They see us together and assume everything is ok.

To all those posters who have said they have probably guessed that's just not the case. We have hidden it well.

Then there's the OWs DH. What about him eh? Inevitably, this will filter through to him.

I don't think I would tell them. The affair happened because one of you or both of you were not happy in some way. You have decided you don't want the marriage to continue, so your children although adults now, don't need to know the ins and outs, just that their parents want to end the marriage because they do not want the same things. I would be together on thus because it would be awful, if one child supported the father and one the mother and took sides, you are both their family, love them and hopefully want to share family occasions. In the end this be get better for everyone, if either of you settle with someone else.

I think you should tell your children as these things have a way of leaking out. Tell them in a calm controlled way rather than risk it coming out when you are angry. As Luckylegs said the affair happened because one or both of you were unhappy so you could explain this. Your adult children will want you both to be happy and I'm sure they can cope with the facts. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

Neither of us were 'unhappy' in the marriage but that's a common misconception of affairs.

The children won't need to take sides because the split will be amicable and I know that both DH and I would not tolerate side taking.
Personally, I believe they 'need' a reason to understand.

Your children are adults. Do avoid creating "family secrets. "
For all you know they may well have known or sussed it out.

Ruby I think your husband should tell them, not you. You’ve had to deal with this for two years now and you haven’t been able to forgive and forget. Indeed, why should you? Your OH has been ‘protected’ from the consequences of his affair while you have been left isolated to deal with your feelings alone.

Have you friends that you’ve talked to about this? I get the feeling the answer to that is ‘no’.

What exactly do you envisage happening, to you, your children and your husband after you have told your family?

Ruby21 one of the strengths of Gransnet is having the opportunity to share difficulties and problems. You will inevitably receive a range of different responses to queries, but overall they will demonstrate a great deal of support and compassion and it's up to you to sift through them and find what works for you and yours. Even an amicable divorce is a painful experience and I expect that in the weeks and months to come you may need a sounding board, so keep coming back.

Please don't worry about the ow's dh. That's her concern, not yours.

It's obvious you've made up your mind you want to tell your ac. Is dh on board with that? If he isn't, does it matter to you? Or will you tell them anyway?

Dear Ruby21 how I wish that I could give you a hug. Your sadness and loneliness is palpable.
The good people on here will support you and give you their counsel but as you know the decisions can only be made by you and your Dh. Even after what has happened, I feel a lot of love between you two people. I admire your assertion that the break up will be amicable.
Imo I would tell the children the truth when the time comes.

I do agree with bam bam and hope you can find some support on this site.
Trust once broken is Very hard to get back and only you can decide on your next move. If you do not tell your children the reasons there is a risk they may find out later in some other way, which could be worse than hearing it directly and honestly from you and your husband. If it were me i think would tell them, they are adult and can take this however painful.
Good luck to you snd dont forget we are here to support and help each other.

eazybee I have no idea what I envisage tbh because I can't imagine not being with him.

Thank you Bambam
I could do with a hug and some support.

Perhaps I should give counselling another go.

Sending a big hug,definitely give counselling another go .Dont try to imagine life without him, just take one step at a time,try not to overload your emotions with the what ifs etc, be kind to yourself in the same way you would be to friend.

Ruby - I hope that you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life now that you have made this difficult decision.

luckygirl wrote:
"Ruby - I hope that you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life now that you have made this difficult decision"
same from me - sadly i could write a book about male infidelity, as my ex was an example
i agree with those who say don't tell your children.

The problem beings you say you still love each other and you say you can’t envisage life without him but you obviously can’t forgive and get over it after counselling and two years and that’s the key .....
Was it an enormous betrayal and by that I mean a long term relationship as opposed to a few meetings, Do you have worries it didn’t finish when you found out or do you think he had other ‘flings’ Do you feel he loved both of you and gave her up reluctantly ? If you really love him and can’t imagine living without him you are not going to be happy without him in your life are you ? What is stopping you forgiving him Has he admitted he was wrong, has he treated you well since do you think he could do it again? So many questions to ask yourself before that final big move on

if you still love each other dont walk away,its easier to fix it if you're together,once you/he 's moved out it will be much more difficult to go back.Sometimes affairs can strngthen a marriage as it makes people realise what they might have lost or whats most important to them.I'm with those who say gat professional help ,a councellor or a priest even to talkit through to and if you really cant imagine life without him try to find a way to put this affair in the past...where it belongs

How did you find out? Did your husband think he could get away with it? How can you say you are both still in love with each other?
Love each other, care for each other, I can understand but "in love"?

I'm not prepared to divulge more details I'm afraid.
We are 'in love' and always have been, I don't see why that's hard to understand.

Well they do say that being 'in love ' is very different than loving someone, not sure if one is more fraught than another, you seem to be sure of what you are doing, so cannot now see why on earth you need to involve your children, why would you as you say you are staying together.

I agree with Paddyann. If you have a relationship worth saving, go for it. Work hard together to save your marriage.

I have no idea what I envisage tbh because I can't imagine not being with him.
That is one of the saddest posts I have read.
Silly phrases go through my mind like " he's your fella and you love him and that's all there is to that;" and Gigi: " I would rather be miserable with you than without you."
I don't think you are ready to leave him, you would just exchange one misery for another.
You are right in not disclosing details of the affair-sometimes it's just too painful, but I wonder if you have a trustworthy, non-judgemental friend or relative you could unburden yourself to, not for advice but just for someone to give you comfort.
As your children are 18 plus, you may be suffering empty-nesting on top of everything else. Is there any way you could change direction slightly in your life: a different form of work, going for promotion, training for something challenging physically, (not my preferred option, I admit.)? OU helped me. Studying tired me out and occupied my mind; sleepless nights were spent worrying worrying about exam questions rather than a faithless spouse, and small successes repaired my my damaged self-esteem.

Just calling in to see how you're feeling Ruby and reading through from my last post and I feel a shift from you regarding you separating.
If you can't envisage life without him and you are both still in love then there is a lot of hope for your marriage.
Tell me if I'm wrong but because of what's happened, do you feel silly and self conscious being flirty/sexy with him now and that is the "sticking point" with repairing your relationship?
Only asking as my Best Friend went through this years ago and when I finally got her to tell me what was holding her back, even though they still loved each other, this is what she told me.
She was so distraught by this time, that she was staying with me so that she could "get herself together" and told him to leave her alone.
Anyway, after two weeks or so, he arrives at my door, clearly distressed and i told him she didnt want to see him but I would sit in his car and speak to him.
I didn't tell him what my friend had confided, obviously, but I said that if he wanted her back, I suggested he "court" her again like he did when they first met. I ran in and spoke to her to see if she agreed and the "first date" was set for the following night.
He arrived, very smart and courteous and was invited into the hallway where when she descended the stairs he presented her with bouquet of flowers and a tiny box of chocolates and off they went for a meal.
The next night, the cinema and so on. and they dated for, if my memory serves, five night.
Fifth night, she never came "home".
They were together for the next 40 odd years, happily and he treated her like the "Princess" she was for the rest of her life.
I remained "best friends" to them both until they both passed away and the "week of dating" was never mentioned again.
(and now I am in tears remembering my best friend).
So, do you think something along these lines might help with you?

But you say you have decided to end the marriage and the split will be amicable.
I think you should get some more counselling. If you are still in love, surely you should not rush to do anything.
Whatever you do I wish you well.