DH had an affair. Should we tell our children?

I agree with Paddyann. If you have a relationship worth saving, go for it. Work hard together to save your marriage.

Well they do say that being 'in love ' is very different than loving someone, not sure if one is more fraught than another, you seem to be sure of what you are doing, so cannot now see why on earth you need to involve your children, why would you as you say you are staying together.

I'm not prepared to divulge more details I'm afraid.
We are 'in love' and always have been, I don't see why that's hard to understand.

How did you find out? Did your husband think he could get away with it? How can you say you are both still in love with each other?
Love each other, care for each other, I can understand but "in love"?

if you still love each other dont walk away,its easier to fix it if you're together,once you/he 's moved out it will be much more difficult to go back.Sometimes affairs can strngthen a marriage as it makes people realise what they might have lost or whats most important to them.I'm with those who say gat professional help ,a councellor or a priest even to talkit through to and if you really cant imagine life without him try to find a way to put this affair in the past...where it belongs

The problem beings you say you still love each other and you say you can’t envisage life without him but you obviously can’t forgive and get over it after counselling and two years and that’s the key .....
Was it an enormous betrayal and by that I mean a long term relationship as opposed to a few meetings, Do you have worries it didn’t finish when you found out or do you think he had other ‘flings’ Do you feel he loved both of you and gave her up reluctantly ? If you really love him and can’t imagine living without him you are not going to be happy without him in your life are you ? What is stopping you forgiving him Has he admitted he was wrong, has he treated you well since do you think he could do it again? So many questions to ask yourself before that final big move on

luckygirl wrote:
"Ruby - I hope that you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life now that you have made this difficult decision"
same from me - sadly i could write a book about male infidelity, as my ex was an example
i agree with those who say don't tell your children.

Ruby - I hope that you will begin to pick up the pieces of your life now that you have made this difficult decision.

Sending a big hug,definitely give counselling another go .Dont try to imagine life without him, just take one step at a time,try not to overload your emotions with the what ifs etc, be kind to yourself in the same way you would be to friend.

eazybee I have no idea what I envisage tbh because I can't imagine not being with him.

Thank you Bambam
I could do with a hug and some support.

Perhaps I should give counselling another go.

I do agree with bam bam and hope you can find some support on this site.
Trust once broken is Very hard to get back and only you can decide on your next move. If you do not tell your children the reasons there is a risk they may find out later in some other way, which could be worse than hearing it directly and honestly from you and your husband. If it were me i think would tell them, they are adult and can take this however painful.
Good luck to you snd dont forget we are here to support and help each other.

Dear Ruby21 how I wish that I could give you a hug. Your sadness and loneliness is palpable.
The good people on here will support you and give you their counsel but as you know the decisions can only be made by you and your Dh. Even after what has happened, I feel a lot of love between you two people. I admire your assertion that the break up will be amicable.
Imo I would tell the children the truth when the time comes.

Please don't worry about the ow's dh. That's her concern, not yours.

It's obvious you've made up your mind you want to tell your ac. Is dh on board with that? If he isn't, does it matter to you? Or will you tell them anyway?

Ruby21 one of the strengths of Gransnet is having the opportunity to share difficulties and problems. You will inevitably receive a range of different responses to queries, but overall they will demonstrate a great deal of support and compassion and it's up to you to sift through them and find what works for you and yours. Even an amicable divorce is a painful experience and I expect that in the weeks and months to come you may need a sounding board, so keep coming back.

What exactly do you envisage happening, to you, your children and your husband after you have told your family?

Ruby I think your husband should tell them, not you. You’ve had to deal with this for two years now and you haven’t been able to forgive and forget. Indeed, why should you? Your OH has been ‘protected’ from the consequences of his affair while you have been left isolated to deal with your feelings alone.

Have you friends that you’ve talked to about this? I get the feeling the answer to that is ‘no’.

Your children are adults. Do avoid creating "family secrets. "
For all you know they may well have known or sussed it out.

Neither of us were 'unhappy' in the marriage but that's a common misconception of affairs.

The children won't need to take sides because the split will be amicable and I know that both DH and I would not tolerate side taking.
Personally, I believe they 'need' a reason to understand.

I think you should tell your children as these things have a way of leaking out. Tell them in a calm controlled way rather than risk it coming out when you are angry. As Luckylegs said the affair happened because one or both of you were unhappy so you could explain this. Your adult children will want you both to be happy and I'm sure they can cope with the facts. I hope things work out for you. Good luck.

I don't think I would tell them. The affair happened because one of you or both of you were not happy in some way. You have decided you don't want the marriage to continue, so your children although adults now, don't need to know the ins and outs, just that their parents want to end the marriage because they do not want the same things. I would be together on thus because it would be awful, if one child supported the father and one the mother and took sides, you are both their family, love them and hopefully want to share family occasions. In the end this be get better for everyone, if either of you settle with someone else.

I feel 2 years is enough time.

Timing is crucial but as I have decided to end the marriage I do feel it's important that they know. The process will be easier with full honestly surely? We can tell no-one if we don't tell them. They see us together and assume everything is ok.

To all those posters who have said they have probably guessed that's just not the case. We have hidden it well.

Then there's the OWs DH. What about him eh? Inevitably, this will filter through to him.

Would it help you decide whether to tell them or not if you imagined it was you who had the affair? There are a lot of emotions involved with this situation, its very difficult to choose which would be of more help & settling for you. Perhaps give yourselves some time before making a decision.

Cornergran's post makes sense, given your decision, Ruby. I still don't think you're obligated to say why, but they're over 18 - parents aren't their whole world anymore and they can probably stand to hear a little truth.

I just hope you don't expect them to automatically take your side. There's always that one kid who thinks the wronged parent should forgive. And often another who's is sympathetic with both parents. But really, imo, there "task" is just to keep loving both parents and refrain from judging.

Thank you cornergran, well said and exactly what I was saying. I would want my children's love and support, they are who I talk to first, well before friends or councillors

If I understood your recent post correctly ruby21 you have decided it is best to separate from your husband. This is a different situation to you just wondering whether to speak to your children while undecided. I would suggest your children will ask why you are separating. Could you agree with your husband what to tell them? In my experience lies come back to bite us. Whatever you decide I wish you well, you've had a painful time and I hope the future brings some peace.