Grannie envy

When adult children weaponise our grandchildren..if I started ,my post would go on for ages .suffice to say that I was always the first port of call over other grandmother .to punish her as the mother of my daughters departed ex partner and father of her children..
now roles are reversed as I am persona non gratis due to my daughter having decided to sever all ties with me for reasons too complicated but down to her personal unhappiness and personality disorder issues ..which are directed at me with little or no justification...other granny has them all the time and I cannot even speak to them ..other granny forbidden to speak to me though we do text..any more contact and it would snap the precarious thread she has with them...so nothing is simple ..make the most of what you have ..

Do you live just as near your daughter and grandchildren as her in-laws? If not, then perhaps you are overacting as the distance might be the problem.

You may well be right that your daughter's partner is controlling, usually when mothers get that kind of feeling it is because something is wrong. However, this is where you have to bite your tongue, because however nicely we try to put it, criticising our children's partners only leads to trouble. I'm in the same boat here, so I know.

You say your daughter only gets in touch when she needs to borrow money. Has this always been the way all her adult life, or is it something new? Why does she need the money? (I don't need to know, it's not my business, but you perhaps do need to think about it). At least she trusts you enough to ask, that's some consolation.

Could there be a reason for your grandson staying with his other grandparents and not you? Are your daughter and her partner rabid non-smokers and you smoke? Afraid of dogs and you have one?

Don't ask your daughter why the grandchildren see more of their other grandparents, but you could try saying you would like to have your grandchildren come to stay overnight sometime soon, and see what she says.

You have my sincere sympathy. My daughter and myself have applied through the court to have contact to our GC and GGC, it's an extremely long drawn out procedure, very expensive and it seems that it's the only way to deal with it finally. On a daily basis my daughter and I are living a distressful life and are looking for a positive solution.
To me it seems that life has changed for the worse. Whilst I was a child, We as a family visited all of our relatives, we all new about our aunts, uncle and cousins, unfortunately we didn't have grandparents, but we visited our other relations grandparents, they were very happy times. I don't agree with new regulations whereby you are forbidden anyn information from schools etc, It's wrong and it's hard, especially for those who care. I hope you are lucky enough to resolve the problem, and that you don't find yourself in the same position as my daughter and I are in. All the very best.

You see your GC occasionally, I think? Be happy and fun when you're with them. Competitions between grandparents aren't a nice thing.

I recently discovered that the reason one of my daughters in-laws see our grandchildren more often than us, is because whereas we have an open house policy of "your're welcome to come when ever you want" and check if its OK for us to visit them as we live a couple of hundred miles away. her in-laws announce they are coming whenever it suits them and expect my daughter and family to visit when they invite them.

When I was a young mum it didn't occur to me that a grandparent who saw the grandkids more often was the lucky one. I always thought we were imposing on whichever set we asked to have babysit or whatever. Seriously I always assumed the one involved more often would feel the most hard done by not the other way around. So it's possible the couple we're talking about in this thread it hasn't dawned on them that it's not that way around!

I feel envious too. My son moved to Canada after being head hunted for a games designer job. He met a lovely girl and they have a baby boy of a year old. I visited last May and got to meet my son’s partner and her mother.
It broke my heart to have to come back to the UK after 3 weeks and envy that my grandson’s maternal grandma lives in a granny annex attached to their house. She will see him grow as I can’t afford to go to Canada every year.

Pauladavis48
So sorry you are not seeing your grandchildren as much as you would like.This is not a happy situation.
Gc's grow up very quickly and then it will be up to them not their parents who they chose to visit.But that does not solve the present issue.
As for the money then you are not a bank. You have to talk to your daughter and if she is hard up she has to be honest and confide in you.If her husband is controlling then she must visit you not you her.Both put your cards on the table .

Paula, please take heart from Aquafish’s post. Situations do change if you play the long game and remain pleasant and loving to all your son’s family. Maybe find one creative talent such as music or art to nurture in your GC’s , offer to take them to a little concert or age appropriate musical, and become known as Music Granny, or Art or Dancing Granny! Those kind of bonds last for life. Good luck!

"Granny Wars" is to be avoided at all costs!

There is more to life than grandparenting - what about friends, siblings much as we love our grandchildren all 17 of them we can't live our lives through them or our children

I see serious problems with grannies who see their place as a grandparent as a competition.

Go and do things you couldn't do when you had children... stop worrying about who got more time with so and so... it's pathetic really.

And to grandparents who are calling the schools to find out about report cards and so on, IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE, NOW OR EVER! YOU ARE BEING DISRESPECTFUL. Some parents have kids who have learning disabilities and can barely take it all in themselves and they definitely don't need a nosy grandparent digging into that... the way you can help is to be there to listen... not to pry....

Damewithaname

When my DC were grown up and DH's parents had both died, my DM told me that she felt that we had always favoured them over her and DF.

I was aghast. DH and I had always been consciously even handed between both sets of parents, whom we loved dearly, but different family circumstances - DH was an only child, I am one of three; DH's parents didn't drive and were older and had health problems. Mine were younger fitter and mobile, meant there were differences in the patterns of visiting, but there was no favouritism.

This and other family glitches have made me very conscious about how one side in a relationship can totally misinterpret the actions of the other.

I certainly wouldn't try to discuss it with your daughter. I should have started with how sorry I feel for you - this must be agony! Try under any circumstances to keep communication going and try to see your GCs as often as is feasible. Try also not to think about the frequency of their contact with their father's Parents. It'll upset you. Also frequent contact does not always equate to good in a relationship with GChildren. Their father sounds a bit of a mummy's boy. Just try hard to sound "normal" and keep the avenues of communication open and see them as often as you can. As for your daughter needing your money, does her husband not support her? What would happen if you said you were bit strapped for cash at the time?
By the way, I live miles from my eldest and her husband's mum was just round the corner when my first GSon was born. She was even in the hospital at his birth! She was always at their house, letting herself in. I was upset for a while, but she and I were both widows and quickly became close friends so I was lucky. When she died suddenly, I was devastated. You never know how things will turn out.
I wish you every kind of good luck and blessing.

How sorry I feel that this is upsetting you. I do agree with aqua fish that time changes things, you never know how things will pan out for the better. Huzzah is right too, about how frequency of contact doesn't always equate into love. My son (without children) adores his nieces and they adore him although they only see him a couple of times a year. They FaceTime though, could you try that? About making friends with the other GPs hmm, this was a no-no for me from the start. Before we met I was prepared to like her, but from the start it was clear she was in a competition with me that I hadn't entered. She obviously doesn't like me. I have sent her a couple of little present over time, like homemade jam and home made Christmas stuff, but I never heard back. My DiL law is lovely and I get on well with her, but it tends to be my son who brings the GC round when she is working, as they both work shifts. I make an effort to text just her so she doesn't feel that I only seeker as an add on to my son. Good luck and try not to take it to heart too much.

Just another slant on it....as I, like others don't know the background relationship with your DD.

You mention 'envy' of the other grandparents? Could this have any bearing on things? Just wondering.... My DM has ALWAYS been a jealous type of person and saw a kind of pecking order regarding her GC. She was piqued if she wasn't asked first or told first. If one bought an expensive gift she felt she had to do same and so on.... It caused numerous problems (all long since resolved thank goodness) So much so, that when I had my GC, I was never envious of anything other grandparents did for my GC.

I just let them know I was there....if they needed me! OK slightly different in that I was 'needed' more often than I needed to be needed but....referring to my own Mother, she made herself miserable by taking umbrage and trying to keep up with others.

I would just be the 'fun' grandma when they see you and enjoy it without making it a competition, no matter how hurt you feel.

Not sure why your daughter asks you for money? If you feel 'used' just say no, sorry not got it. Sounds like you feel annoyed about it but give in to her anyway for fear of losing your GC? I would never be blackmailed.

Oh and of course NEVER criticise her choice of partner (rule number one). He could be the pits but its her choice (until she chooses differently).

It was the other way round for me. Our son was the first grandchild on both sides. My mil said, don't ask me to babysit because I've done all that. We respected that and never asked her. Then her own daughter had a baby and my mil gave up her job to look after him full time so her daughter could go back to work. What kind of message was that sending out? She never wanted to be close to me or my kids. Never understood it but it did hurt.

Make the most of the time you do see your granddaughter. Say nothing, it will damage the relationship you do have.
When they get to teenagers they rarely see you, well, mine don’t.

Hello Paula. I know exactly how you feel. My son and daughter in law live on Hayling Island, close to all her family, so they can pop in any time they like and do. They all also work in that area too and we are completely out of that area. We see out gd once a week for just a morning now as she goes to pre-school in the afternoon. They also have days out and sometimes a weekend away (one time I was told that they had been away with all the family!)
We are never invited to these trips. As my husband put it, It's as if they live in a bubble with all her family and we are invited into the bubble now and then.My son even started going swimming with his MIL once a week. I barely get to see him. An invitation at the weekend is always met with "we will have to see what we arre doing" and then it's forgotten.
I've finally found someone who understands how I am feeling, so thank you Paula for your post.

How can I stop my jealous feelings that turn me into a very mean person. Which I usually am not. When I see my granddaughter by choice playing with her other grandma and ignoring me!!!

I’m having a problem with jealousy over other grandma. I was thinking it might be a good idea for me to distance myself from my granddaughter who loves me when I am there but when other grandma is around ignores me. Do you think it would make my granddaughter appreciate me more? Or is it just she likes her better than me and I need to accept it

grandmarosie is asking same question on "grannie envy" thread. Perhaps better to respond there.