Grannie envy

Oops - meant "grandma jealousy" thread.

I always feel bad for posters when I read these kinds of threads as I'm not sure there's much you can do about the situation. However, if it helps at all, my paternal grandmother was my favourite relative even though we lived a way away and couldn't see her very often. Our personalities just clicked and we spent a lot of time together out of choice when I was older. It's possibly not of much comfort to you now, but maybe if you can play the long game things will get better.

I am in great need of some support over my relationship with my daughter. Our relationship has been difficult since she was a teenager. I have struggled for years to come to terms with her personality, she is very like her bullying father, from whom I am divorced and my daughter estranged.
She was expelled from school for fighting, she played truant, took drugs, she kicked
the door in and tried to beat me up while in the bathroom.
We had spells of calm in between but usually because I rolled over and didn't fight back. We only ever seem to be a whisker away from further conflict.
She got to her 30's and settled into a really good nursing job and I helped her buy a flat, I have always been more than happy to help her achieve what she wants.
Then 3 years ago she chucked all that away to live in Berlin and go nightclubbing. She developed a big drug habit again, then got pregnant at 40 by a man she met 3 times, who wanted nothing to do with her. She has trouble keeping relationships because of her difficult personality .
Now she has an 18 month old daughter and is living on benefits in Berlin. She lied that didn't know who the father was to get benefits. I have given her 1000's of pounds to keep her going.
The problem is she wants me to go and stay with her, I really don't want to because she will take any opportunity to be horrible to me if she feels like it, when it's perceived I have not done or said what she wants to hear. The fear of "getting things wrong " in her company makes me feel most unwell with stress I get IBS, insomnia, lack of appetite, and gum disease flare-up when I'm stressed. She exasperates my dear kind husband who doesn't want her visiting because it makes me so stressed. She twists and manipulates what I say to make me look terrible and her the victim.
I must admit I am not a huge fan of children these days either. My daughter wants me to dote and adore my granddaughter which I do struggle with.
I just want to try and not feel so utterly consumed with guilt at wanting a quiet and peaceful life at the expense of not going to Germany. I'm just so tired of living in fear of my daughter's rages. I have done so much to try and make her life easier sending parcels and things she needs, which I am more than happy to do.
I have told her about my mental health issues, my Father took his life when I was 12, my daughter told me to get my head "fixed". I tried counseling it just made me feel worse raking over all the past horrors. I know counseling isn't for everyone, I did try! I am 66 now. If anyone has any suggestions it would be gratefully received. I'm at my wits end!

The grandchildren will be at school by now I expect, I hope OP found a way through her envy.

The best thing that I did was to make friends with my daughter’s in laws. I got on with them great but my daughter did leave them with them more and more. Then she got divorced and they stay at her ex inlaws even more. Now I am estranged from my daughter I get to see them if and when it is convenient for both her and her ex husband. Yes, I am used as a convenience but it is the price I have to pay to see the girls. They have 100’s of photos on their phones of their other grand parents and I dont think they have 5 of me. I just have to enjoy the times that we do spend together and not see it as competition. They are growing up and hopefully they will come and stay on their own.Until then I will enjoy them, if and when. Take care and try not to get too upset about it all. I am done and past with crying now.

TeddyDog - You have to look after yourself and back away from your daughter. In your head and heart you know what the future will be and you are only 66. Please do not move to be nearer her as it will be a nightmare. Also, you have to consider your husband as well. You both deserve a life and do not throw it away on your inconsiderate daughter. I haven’t seen or spoken to my daughter in 7 years and she only lives 2 miles away. Infact I pass her house on the way to the shops. I dont care if I never see her again as that part of my heart has died and gone. Take care.

Teddydog this post began 5 years ago. You might want to start your own as it might get more response.
As for visiting your daughter in Berlin if you do go ( and have a good think about this) but if you do then I suggest you don’t go alone and you find your own accommodation nearby. It’s very easy to find reasonably priced rentals there, and if things prove difficult it’s better to go back to your place instead of having a bad atmosphere in hers.
Good luck.

Tessydog I absolutely agree with PurplePixie And sliverlining is right, might be better to copy and paste your post above and start a new thread for you about your problem. Go to your chosen forum then you will see start new thread at top of page, usually on the right hand side I think

Hello TeddyDog I think you need to think long and hard before making a final decision about visiting your D.

If you decide not to go then there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Your D has made her own life choices and this choice is yours to make.

You can of course continue to support her as you have been doing from a distance which from what you have posted would be better for you and your GD. No child should witness the type of behaviour you describe from their mother toward their GM, or anyone else for that matter.

What ever you decide, please consider your own well being .