Estranged family members birthday.

Your adopted brother's receiving a card is unlikely to prompt him to torment your dad - and your sisters' feelings do not have to dictate your decision/behaviour - so if I were you I would send a card as you genuinely want to do so. If your brother ignores it so be it, at least you did what your conscience told you to do and you have no need to even discuss it with your sisters.

MIL's only niece descended on her a few months ago, expected to stay a few days. She did not help with anything, paid nothing, broke the side of the bath, the vacuum, the shower and stayed for over 2 months. When she finally left she told my MIL what a horrible woman she was. Although she has mental health issues, MIL was terribly upset. She has told MIL what she wants for Xmas, an expensive perfume bottle. We always give her an Amazon gift voucher, but she's managed to upset the whole family and we're tempted to send her nothing, but don't want to bring ourselves down to her level.

I would send your brother a card ..... such a kind gesture which hopefully will reassure him that he's still a welcome member of your family as far as you're concerned.

His words could be a cry for help. Send him a card to let him know he is not alone.

What age was he when adopted? It sounds as though he has aleays felt the odd one out, being the only boy as well. I wonder if he has tried to trace his birth parents. He may not have come to terms with being adopted which is sad. However, if he could not accept that your father simply could not afford the money, and that caused him to walk away, and more importantly, stay away after all this time, I would be very careful about opening the relationship up again unless you know what his character is like now. If he were to come back, would he, seeing that your father is elderly, hope for something to be left to him in his will. Do you know if this is the case? If not, it might cause another lot of trouble in the future. Obviously your sisters and father were hurt and do not want to be hurt again. I can only imagine how your father felt. Really we cannot judge - would it make your father happy to see him again before he dies, or would he get upset? You appear to have contact details for your brother, is there any chance that you could meet him for a coffee and gradually build up your relationship again - just the two of you initially, and letting him know that it is just you who is making overtures rather than the family. Once you get to know him a bit you could take it from there.

We have an estranged daughter, sent cards and text messages but never revive a response. Be prepared to be upset if he doesn’t acknowledge you or is abusive. Sometimes we have to protect ourselves and try and live on without them. If you do send a card and the response isn’t good then maybe you should keep that from your dad. Good luck whatever you decide x

I would do nothing whilst Dad is alive but try to make contact after.

I agree with damewithaname. This may be his last Christmas. If is was, you’ll have no feelings that you could have done more.

Do what you feel is the right thing - then you can never feel that you have not made any effort. He may be very unhappy, and some people lash out at those they love. One small gesture like a card could change how he feels. If it doesn't you have lost nothing.

Send him a card or an e-mail or a text on his phone if you have his number. Just say Happy Birthday and leave it at that.
That way you will feel better and he will know that he can at least get in touch with you if he wants.

He may well regret talking and acting as he did at the time. Most adopted children sadly never feel "good enough". My adopted sister told me after we were grown up that I was the only person in the family who treated her as if she was no different from anyone else. My answer was that I had never known what the fuss was about - she was my sister, end of story. Although I was always surprised and grateful that she could love me, as we were treated differently.

Bedders24
I have watched programmes dealing with adopted children and have wept throughout. As you do not say how old your brother is or when and at what age he was adopted it is difficult to say more and I am seeing it as, for some reason, he does not feel part of the family and this has been with him for a long time.
Can you give some feedback ?

Send a card saying you were thinking of him on his birthday, wishing him all the best, and hoping that life is going well for him.

Definitely send a card it's then up to him, he can ignore it or be pleased to be remembered by you. He may not reciprocate in any way but that's his choice and at least you know you tried.

Send a card, he's your brother. You are part of him...as he is of you.

Just keeping sending the cards..

Did he always know that he was adopted? I think there are much deeper issues here, but your post wasn't about that.

Of course you should wish him a happy birthday! If he doesn't want to 'know you' fine, but you were never asked (by him or anyone in your family) if you didn't want to 'know' him. Whose quarrel is it anyway? He's your brother and you obviously love him, otherwise you wouldn't care about all of...this!

Send him a card, or a nice note telling him you were thinking of him on his special day. You could add an old photo, a funny anecdote or a happy moment you shared with him in the past. Include your email, twitter, phone or whatever else you have going and remind him that no matter how he feels or what he says, (like it or not) you will always be his big sister who loves him. When you write, do avoid mentioning other family members or including any of them by photo.

Best, Willa

If you send a card you may be starting trouble again - that's why you're wondering. So be clear in your own mind - what is your motive for resuming contact?

I have been estranged from my brother for 17 years and have no idea why. I wrote a letter every Christmas and birthday and invited him to DD’s wedding and told him of the birth of DGC. Nothing. A few years ago I gave up but it still hurts and if he made any move to re-establish contact I’d welcome it with open arms. If you can, please keep up the contact by sending him a card. I’m regretting my decision not to ...

Send him a text you don’t want to have regrets.

I have sent a message but will not do anything else. Thank you for all of your thoughts .

I would send him a card for his birthday. Men usually do not like to back down, and who knows, maybe he is regretting what happened and wants to get back in contact?
Offer that olive branch Bedders, who knows, maybe it will work. Good Luck

Many adopted people have a deep sense of loss and resentment. My adopted child longed to know where she came from, where her colouring came from, her academic achievements, her way of thinking, the shape of her head, her smile, her ailments. We didn’t know and her mother’s common name made her difficult to find. She was loved to bits by all of us and didn’t feel resentful but she did feel ‘empty’ and very different from the family which adopted her, a feeling which didn’t go away until she grew a family of her own, my precious grandchildren,.
I am glad you sent your brother a message. He may throw it back at you but at some level it means he belongs.

Do send a card if you want to. Just send one that has no strings attached but lets him know you are thinking of him. There is absolutely no reason why you should not maintain contact even if your family choose not to. Being given up as a child by your parent/s is hard for anyone even if they were adopted. Very often these things have a profound impact on the mental health of the adopted person and they do not have the capacity to see the kind family who took them in but can only see the world with resentment. You will probably never be able to change that but at least you will feel you've done the right thing.

I think perhaps, he was in a bad place after your mother died, she was his mother too, you had your sisters . So glad you contacted him, it was in my opinion the right thing. Good luck, you obviously love and miss him, bet he feels the same.
Overthehilks, send a card, put in it you miss him, as long as you know where he is, it doesn't cost much, but one day he could contact you. I feel a lot men stick to their guns about decisions and close their feelings off as they don't want to appear weak.
I would rather try, despite apparent rejection, feuds are
plain stupid if you care about someone. Who cares who makes the first move?

I had no contact with a sibling for nearly 15 years, but with the death of a darling cousin I had to 'phone and pass on the news. Since then we've spoken and chatted over the last two to three years and we send one another birthday cards and have even met earlier in the Summer for lunch. Do what you feel is right for you. Sometimes you have to put the hurt away, you don't have to forget it but you can go forward and have a relationship on your terms. Give it a go you've nothing to lose and everything to gain.