Gransnet forums


Estranged family members birthday.

(50 Posts)
Bedders24 Sat 25-Nov-17 22:44:56

Wonder if anybody could give me some input.
I am the eldest of 4, 2 natural sisters and an adopted brother.

Over the years there have been various times when my brother has decided he didn't want to be part of the family and had cut contact. Things seemed to get better a few years ago until we lost my mum. Not long after that a fall out happened with my brother after he asked for money from my dad which he could not afford to give him, things became very upsetting and in the end my sister received a message from him saying he did not want to know us and as far as he is concerned he has no dad and no sisters.

Today is my brother's birthday and I have felt awful that I have not contacted him to say happy birthday even though he has not had contact with any of us since this happened - my sister's say he made his feelings known and to contact him could cause the whole thing to start again and dad is elderly and doesn't need the worry but I still feel like a horrible person for not Acknowledging his birthday.

Luckylegs9 Sun 26-Nov-17 09:33:07

Do what you think right, only you know what you think of him. I would send a card, but I am a softie, he is still your brother, despite being the black sheep, he probably doesn't send any himself. I know if I go against my gut instinct I regret it.

DanniRae Sun 26-Nov-17 10:08:41

I wouldn't send a card - he made his feelings known when he said 'he has no dad and sisters'.
But that's me - you should do what you think is best.

midgey Sun 26-Nov-17 10:11:07

I’d send a card, he is your brother.

Madgran77 Sun 26-Nov-17 10:40:40

Send a card saying you know he feels that he has no sisters and that is his right but that you still feel you have a brother and want to wish him happy birthday

Christinefrance Sun 26-Nov-17 10:50:02

Yes I agree with Madgran you are obviously concerned about him and the family estrangement. You can only try to reach out to him. Good luck.

Smithy Sun 26-Nov-17 12:32:45

I'd hold out an olive branch and send a card. If he ignores it then I'd leave it at that.

holdingontometeeth Sun 26-Nov-17 13:21:31

Forget about him.

Scribbles Sun 26-Nov-17 13:34:41

He has chosen to have no connection with his father and sisters. Why not respect that decision? If he should regret his decision later, it's for him to make the first move.

bugsy555 Sun 26-Nov-17 14:40:04

Send a card.. be the bigger person. Don't ask to meet or anything that's up to your brother now

henetha Sun 26-Nov-17 14:42:48

I would definitely send a card. If ever in doubt, do the kind thing.

Coolgran65 Sun 26-Nov-17 14:50:17

Yes, I'd be sending a card also. I hate upset and would want to let him know you thought of him.

Starlady Sun 26-Nov-17 20:54:16

Trust your gut.

Bedders24 Sun 26-Nov-17 23:03:30

Thank you for your input. The added issue is that I don't have his address so just have to send via social media which isn't ideal.

BlueBelle Mon 27-Nov-17 09:17:39

Oh I d definitely send a card but I d never mention anything about the incident and please don’t say ‘I know you think you’ve got no sisters etc etc’ that will just open it all up and sound judgemental just send a card saying you are always thinking of him and hope he has a Happy Birthday xx and personally I d do that every year wether I get an answer or not

bugsy555 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:20:48

Here here bluebelle- some of these other replies seem very bitter to me. . No wonder family estrangements happen

damewithaname Mon 27-Nov-17 10:20:58

Contact him. It may be his last birthday...

radicalnan Mon 27-Nov-17 10:23:50

People do have the right to take themselves off, for whatever reasons. He has made his choice, let him be.

frue Mon 27-Nov-17 10:26:53

Keep the door open by sending your greetings - even if late

NannyC2 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:27:49

Respect his wishes - BUT, say a prayer for him and wish him well in your heart.

franjess2000 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:28:37

I am also estranged from my brother.

This year I sent him a happy birthday text and got a thank you back.

On my birthday I got an abusive message with a happy birthday at the end which upset me for the whole day.

Don't do it unless you are prepared to get abuse in return.

LJP1 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:30:56

Acknowledge him and send him greetings. These relationships are often difficult but please support it. I have 2 foster daughters and it has sometimes been difficult but things do settle down eventually if you can stay strong and resolutely reinforce the relationship without blame or bearing grudges. It is more important to him than you may realise, whatever has been said.
Hang on in there - good luck!

kwest Mon 27-Nov-17 10:34:00

Send a card and tell him you will always love him.

wildswan16 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:39:21

Is part of your hesitancy because you fear it might cause some upset for your elderly father? I could certainly understand that you wish to avoid any family strife for him. If that is a possibility then personally I would leave things be at present.

Hm999 Mon 27-Nov-17 10:41:30

Twelve years with no contact did see an end. Hang in there