Adult children

Yes, all 3 cancelled. Once one said they weren't coming now the other two followed. We get on with AC and they see each other as time/ work allows, so don't think there is any issue there. But it was only organised once they knew they would all he here, then once one cancelled, they all did and it all fell apart. We did say we were sad and disappointed and at such a late date, and had bought food but no offer was made as to alternatives. We are just trying to accept the way things are. It would be nice to have one Ac we could count on, but they have their lives and we must respect that. We have decided to do what we want from now on, and not plan anything with them in mind, maybe then things might change, but if not, then we will have our time together me and dh.

I am fortunate. I have a son and a daughter. My daughter is the type of person who always makes sure she visits all of us elderly relatives at Xmas and sends cards, out of both sentimentality and duty, so I feel sure she will always do the same for me until I die. My son has multiple grudges against multiple ancestors (and ex-girlfriends) and uses them at random to avoid doing what normal decent people do for their ancestors. These two kids grew up together with only 2 years between them and all the same experiences good and bad in their childhoods. Shows that everyone has their own brain wiring regardless of their experiences. I love them both, but one makes me sad, probably for no fault of his own it's the way he's made.

I'm not saying to ask them for an alternate date, just that they may come up with one if they see that you're disappointed.

All 3 canceled! Bella. I'm so very, very sorry. How disappointing! And frankly, how rude, so close to the date!

Could it have something to do with that business of their each only wanting to come if the others are coming? Is there some reason they feel they can't be with you and dh alone or with just one other sibling and family? Some weird dynamic between them? Or some problem they have with either you or dh?

Like pps, I understand your dilemma. Complain and you might come across as "needy." Accept it easily and you might seem "indifferent." Perhaps you can let them know you're disappointed without pushing? Maybe send them all an email saying you're deeply disappointed but understand? Or maybe say it the other way, you understand but are deeply disappointed. If you had already bought food, etc. for the occasion, you could also let them know that this has inconvenienced you. They may come up with an alternate date very fast if you even want to chance it at this point.

Some may say it is the way things are as your children grow and become independent adults and have their own families. But when I see other families still close and enjoying each others company and wanting to spend time together, it is hard. I am glad they have these relationships, just wish I knew their secret. Or maybe it is just luck, I don't know. Building a life without them seems the only way forward, even knowing we will just become invisible in the end.

Bella I totally understand the dilemma, same one for us, so hard!

I wonder what the answer really is. If you appear to be accepting despite your disappointment because you don't want to be seen as needy and selfish, you can be regarded as being indifferent.

I'm so sorry bella and I think that sadly you're doing the right thing by not including them in future celebrations.

Bella why don't you tell them? Maybe they think your indifferent as to whether they visit or not, which can't be nice for them. And maybe that's why they then decide to pull out anyway. Seems to me like you have nothing to lose by telling them anyway

Thanks for your reply. When I heard I was so disappointed, yet the voice in my head said don't say anything, don't be needy, because if they do not want to be here then what is the point of them being here if they just want to be elsewhere and just wanting to escape as soon as possible. DD inlaws are exactly that, needy and controlling and we are not like that and never wish to be. Our position in the pecking order was at the bottom, but now I see we just don't have that position now. And I can see things getting worse to the point that we will get the blame for the contact becoming less and less if we try to live our lives and don't make ourselves available when it suits them and not us. Us and those like us in similar positions just can't win. Any future celebrations we just want to celebrate on our own and not have them say they will visit only for them to cancel. I just don't know what the answer is and don't much care for 2018 and more of the same.

Bells have you told them how disappointed you are not to see any of them atall over the two key Christmas days? Or through just accepting it and keeping quite, do they think that you are indifferent? I ask because I think that that is exactly the problem that we have ...through being "reasonable", accepting and not putting pressure on I think we get taken for granted and end up at the bottom of the pile!!

Just when I thought things were organised for christmas, i have been informed that the plans have now changed. AC had organised themselves for one day to be together with us on boxing day but now it's all off. We had left it to themselves to decide, and they had, we thought, worked us into their schedules. It's not as if they are in work on boxing day, or they have travel problems, but just seems like too much effort for them. So as you can guess, and at this late date, we are left saddened. They are spending Christmas day with the partners families, so we didn't mind boxing day. And on top of this our neighbours are having a blazing row, so not much Christmas spirit here at all..........

Thanks Starlady not heard of that one before.

Ugh! Ds' ils sound exhausting, Nana! I think you're right just to focus on getting together with ds right now. I'm sorry you don't get to do the family things you wish would occur, but again, I just don't think they're going to. xx.

Wilma, "foo" means "family of origin. " It's the same as saying "his/her side of he family" only quicker to write, lol!

There are no excuses for them. They may not wish to spend time with you but a phone call to ask if you're both ok is free and doesn't take long. Your grandchildren however, whilst young, don't have a say. They have a right to see and become close enough to form a bond with you and give you their love. This takes effort from both your children and yourselves. I would insist that there is as frequent contact with your Grandchildren as you can make. Also, don't jump to your childrens requests for help and money. This also is a benefit earned by being close to your parents not a right.

Wilma Thankyou!
Starlady Yes I am trying to accept; it is hard! I have started arranging to meet my son for coffee /lunchbreak occasionally which we enjoy. Not sure I could cope with the family at ours att the moment ; the rudeness and treating us a bit like a hotel ( "Do you have any houmous with pepper rather than plain? I think plain houmous is horrible!!" "No, sorry, I didn't know that" "Oh well, you will next time!" followed by a family discussion on why on earth anyone would want to paint their woodwork grey - yes you can guess what colour our woodwork is painted!) They really are rude! To be fair my DIL doesn't do that on the very rare occasions that they visit us! The whole DILs family here is just a lot of work and not fun ...plus I think my husband would just explode!! Its not worth it, frankly! Have to find different ways but I just wish we could enjoy some of the normal things families do as we did with our children and their grandparents - both sets!!

Starlady what does 'foo' stand for please? I keep reading it and it's not in the acronyms.

Nana, I'm so sorry. It sounds as if dil's foo are "very insular," as you say, and very controlling, too. I'm afraid you may have to give up the idea of doing things "as a family," including dil & her relatives, and just enjoy ds and the kids. Maybe even plan to have dil's foo over more often, so that you can slip away to the park with just ds and your gc. Use the time just to enjoy and bond with them

Nanna02

StarladyThank you for your comments. Sadly I know it is not about balancing things. We live about 30 minutes away as do my DILs family. This is not just about maintaining relationships with the grandchildren (although that is very important to us), it is about us all having normal family time together, sometimes doing some of the lovely things that families can do together. Our family time is slipping away and in the process the relationships are slipping. My DILs family seem to be a very insular family and tbh seem to have little interest in or need for anyone else. They have stuck to absolute set in stone routines for family events and get togethers for years ...at Christmas, Easter, Birthdays, annual Holidays etc and my son I know had a real fight when they first got together, regarding him and my DIL coming to us on one day over the Xmas period. That was not at my request, I will never try to put him in the position of feeling he must stick up for his wife, that is not fair. I truly don't want any sort of battle of the MIL/DIL cliche!! When my DILs family arrange a new "event" - eg going to the Fireworks all together, seaside outings in the summer, visiting the zoo, that then slips in as one of the annual family routine events. So when I suggest maybe we could all go to the firework display together (could be with her family too, maybe) my DIL just says, Oh we can't, we are going with my family. I have tried inviting everyone here for a lovely meal and also one Christmas. I was quite honestly stunned to see that they all just settled down to talk to each other, there was no effort or interest in chatting to us, they just carried on their routines but in our house. We ended up taking the bored kids to the park with my son, which tbh was quite fun, but I'm not sure that is the point. On the very few occasions when we have been at their house when my DILs family is there, the same thing happens; we are ignored, we try to make conversation, show an interest etc but replies are brief and dismissive and then they all just carry on as if we aren't there! I think my DIL is just following what is normal to her. As I said originally we are useful at the moment because of the childcare so we enjoy that but I feel so sad that we can't seem to enjoy other family things and relationships seem to be slipping away.

Our AC tend to sometimes leave things to the last minute, not like myself and DH at all. We like to plan things, not too strictly, but have flexibility for the unexpected or unforeseen, no matter whether it is with other people or when doing/having jobs done around the house, We have been flexible and tried to be non suffocating, with the children now they are adults. We have let them come to us when they needed us, but this approach sometimes backfires and the connection becomes too loose. We understand that they have work/life/friends and other family members, but we have been firmly pushed down the list especially with DD.

All your suggestions are good and I have been thinking them over. I feel for all of you that also are experiencing similar situations to myself as it is not a nice feeling at all, especially when we are left wondering what to do about it all. And as said, things do change, but let's hope for the better and not for worse!

It seems to me that all your children are behaving they way you do i.e being passive and waiting for other people to make the arrangements/decisions. Is this something they learned from you when growing up? I would suggest being a little more assertive especially your poor DD. How about you coming up with a list of times and dates and seeing which they can individually make and then pick the most popular time they can all come. Then make it absolutely clear that that is when you are expecting them and you will be cooking/catering for them in some way. I hope it all goes well.

Nana02, I feel for you. Good that you get to babysit though. Is it possible that ds and dil think they're balancing things by doing family visits with her foo while having you babysit and sending the gc to stay with you sometimes? Iows, maybe they think this way the kids get to know each set of gps, albeit in different ways?

Have you asked ds if there's a reason they never make plans with you and dh as a family? What did he say?

Bluebird, I feel for you, too. Sounds as if your angry dil is embarrassed but trying to put the blame on you. So sorry about that!

Of course, your relationship with their kids was bound to change as they got older, no matter how things were between you and dil.

Sorry that the dils' foos seem to always "come first." That must hurt. Does that mean you generally see them on alternate dates (e.g.Boxing Day instead of Xmas or the weekend before or after Mothering Sunday?) or that they, sometimes, skip you altogether? If it's the latter, have you tried arranging alternate dates? Are you willing to be flexible about the day and time?

Bravo to you for "coming to terms with the recent changes!" I hope that includes spending more time with friends,pursuing a hobby or 2, maybe doing some volunteer work and maybe some traveling. Please fill your time up with some activities you enjoy. It won't make things perfect, but it's bound to help.

So sorry about DD's problems with her ils, bella! Imo, she needs to be firmer with them and not let things slide back to where they were. ("I told you, from now on, I'm keeping my plans with my own parents, and you agreed to respect that, remember?"). But I guess she'll have to come to that on her own.

I think the idea of planning a vacation at Xmas is a good one. Then you won't feel so alone, and your ac can't spring any last minute visits on you because your plans will be set.

I also like the idea of
having an open house buffet on an alternate date. Invite others besides your ac and families, so you're not left alone if none of them show. If it seems like too much work, have it catered (if affordable). And I wouldn't worry about getting "too much" food. I would order as much as I'd need if everybody came and then freeze the leftovers or send people home with some if they would like.

If time and finances permit, you could actually do both of those. They both may become traditions you love.

Aslemma one the points of the buffet or Sunday lunch at home is being prepared to deal with left over food. You base the numbers on the the adult children and their families coming, but make a judgement on the feedback you're getting before hand. It could be worth it as a means of seeing her family.