Adult children

I only had this situation with one of my d.i.ls but my son made sure he came round regularly. Now they are divorced and things are much better as the lady he is now with is entirely different. My other 3 sons and my daughter are very close and ring or visit regularly. I also have a great relationship with most of my grandchildren, particularly the eldest one who used me as a sounding board when he was thinking of giving up his job on the oil rigs and going to university. He got his degree and is now living in Japan but still keeps in regular touch through viber.

The suggestion that the OP should do a buffet is not very practical unless she was to have an idea of how many people were going to turn up. Everyone I know does far too much food for a buffet, even when they know how many are likely to attend.

My solution for future Christmases would be to arrange to go away, either in the UK or abroad. I would love to go away and would do so if I ever felt my children were stressing about who had to have me, but it seems things haven't got to that stage yet.

I think you'll have to adapt to the changes in your family and the answer could be to be flexible, but independent.

Another vote from me for the open house day with a buffet. This doesn't just happen with adult children, it happens with adult siblings too, as my friend discovered after hosting her large, but immediate family on Boxing Day for years. As her nieces and nephews got older, they wanted to do their own things and more often than not needed a lift from parents. The open house buffet solved the problem with being messed around with requests to change the date or apologies for not being able to come. Now they pop in if they can and stay as long as they are able or want - some even come back again with other(s) in tow!

Give plenty of notice and don't change the date unless absolutely necessary i.e. not because one of your children can't be there. Do this a couple of times a year and invite other people too such as friends and other family. It will take some of the pressure off your DC that they might be feeling about keeping in touch. It also means that the whole family doesn't have to be there. My friend always makes sure there's plenty to drink too and that makes it feel like a bit of a party. She does it in August too and puts out plenty of seats in the garden if the weather is nice.

The main problem with the open house buffet is the amount of work that can be involved preparing the food. My friend loves to cook, but I would buy as much as possible! An alternative solution could be hosting Sunday lunch on a set Sunday in the month e.g. the first Sunday. Make it an open invitation and provide enough food for all of them to attend, then freeze leftovers and eat them later. If you can afford it, you could do the Sunday lunch at restaurant. They might like the idea of someone else providing a meal for the whole family, but the key is not to try to tie them down with a commitment. Don't give them the impression that you are 'needy' or resentful (hard I know).

It's up to you whether or not you lend/give them money, but at the moment it sounds like that adds to the resentment you're feeling. If you do decide to continue doing it and the money is supposed to be a loan, perhaps you should make sure arrangements are made to be repaid before handing over the money. I would also keep track of the amount of money lent/given to each DC and hint that you do this. Same goes for looking after the GC, but I would do it if you you can. However, I wouldn't drop everything to do it unless it really is an emergency. Canceling arrangements can cause problems in other ways. Your DC need to learn to respect the fact that you have your own life. This might be hard though if you're desperate to see the GC. You need to be the judge of your situation.

Assuming the girlfriends live with your sons, I would try to make more of an effort to make friends with them and don't treat the other child as different to your grandchildren. This probably means directly communicating with them instead of going through your sons.

Finally (didn't realise how much I would type! ), I would suggest to your DD that the next time her inlaws cause a problem by visiting at a bad time, that she comes over to you as arranged (with or without the DGC), and leaves her DH to look after the inlaws. If he is out, tell her to come over to you on her own and leave the DCG in their care. Alternatively, she needs to agree a new time with her DH for her to meet up with you and him to look after the DGC. Maybe then he'll start tackling the problem.

I'm sure all the replies on this thread have will give you some ideas of what you can try. Best of luck.

I too am watching my family slip away. In one case a DIL problem [she put a vile MIL post online which she refuses to apologise for, now won't see me, won't talk to me...cos I wasn't supposed to see it]. Me and my son cannot solve this despite him trying, so he is keeping the peace there and I see him rarely now....also now eldest grandson is old enough to babysit the youngest so I am not needed now for school pickups or to babysit which I always did when asked.

Other son and DIL are so busy and with 2 small children I see them only when I can be fitted in around their social lives...not often. In both cases the DIL's family come first, always, and I am now more alone than ever before. I was a single parent for most of their lives, with good relationships with them but it has gradually changed, which I expect it to do, but didn't expect to feel so heartbroken and left out. I have always done the best for them, given them both amounts of money for house deposits/wedding etc. I've always bitten my tongue, not interfered, I'm not pushy, always tried to help and fitted in with them. I'm lonely, coming to terms with the recent changes, adjusting and having to switch off for my self preservation. I'll get there but it's been tough.

I have such sympathy for you. At the moment I am watching things gradually slip away ...more and more arrangements are cancelled with excuses, usually about my DILs family. Anything we suggest is met with "Maybe" and a shrug, then silence. If I ask about the suggested date something else has always been arranged. Firework trips are arranged with her family, picnics, Nativity Play visits, Christmas Light trips, Lunches out, Holidays, Big get togethers...and so on. Her family are unwilling to help with childcare , even an evening of babysitting. We look after the grandchildren one day a week so at the moment we are still "useful"!! We do enjoy our days with the grandchildren. They also come and stay a couple of times a year. But once that is no longer needed I think I know what will probably happen. It is hard!

Thanks Foxygran - much appreciated?

Many thanks for all your replies - I didn't expect to receive so many! I will try to answer. For those who I haven't replied to directly, I have read your replies and taken your thoughts on board.

Starlady - DD has had many issues over the in-laws, and despite trying to lay down ground rules, and it working for a few days, it just goes back to the way it was before. And of course we get sidelined in the process, as their plans are more important than DD'S or ours.

Radicalnan - the money situation is not an issue whereby they only come when they want to lend money. Bank transfers are so easy to do, and a quick message to me is all it takes. But we have decided not to lend anymore.

Starbird - son said he would set up a standing order but never did/does.

Harrigran - I get you completely when you say don't have expectations. But then it does make me feel like we don't matter - it is a hard 'mantra' to have and practice!

Friday - I can see how my reply was contradictory. We might not see/hear from them for a while but when they do get in touch/visit, it is short notice and we have to take the opportunity to see them, or go without. As for DS and his girlfriends baby, it is her baby and not son's so that in itself is a minefield as we do not want to be 'pushy' with her baby, but yet do not wish to make her feel any less valued. There is not that connection, with the baby, I meant.

Time will tell what happens! But your replies are very welcome and I enjoyed reading all your experiences too. You have all made me feel very welcome and have given good advice. I was reluctant to post, but I am glad I did now, Thank You!

I'm a mum, not a Gran, but I enjoy this site and thought I would just say that there's recently been a thread on MN about who people love most (yes, I know): their spouses or their kids. Most parents strongly favour their kids in spite of saying they are happy with their partners. Yet seeing this thread makes me realise that your kids grow up and - no doubt rightly - someone else becomes more important to them than their mum and dad. Which is of course exactly how it should be. But it does make me think that perhaps partners are, in the final reckoning, the ones who should come first as they're the ones who hopefully will be with you long after the kids have gone!

No-one seems to have any sense of obligation to their parents any more. I would have loved to have Christmas on our own when the DC were young but as we knew the grandparents would be hurt we always saw one set over Christmas and the other at New Year and vice versa the next year. If our children can't be bothered to visit at Christmas God help us when we start losing our faculties and need care.

"My adult children often borrow money..."

Another poster said this might be the problem IF they are slow to pay you back. I think this could be it, particularly IF you or dh brings it up when you see them. Debts may have to be settled before you can truly enjoy time together. Or you and dh may need to decide to treat the money given as "gifts," and, in the future, either give as a gift or just say you don't have it - no loaning.

Blue, I think it's great that you "socialize as you choose." But then please understand that your ac are likely to follow that example.

NanaMacGeek, obviously, your ac missed you last Xmas and want to be with you this year. It's nice that they feel this way, but, imo, they should have arranged for one of their families to host and invite you - not throw it all on you and dh. I'm sorry you didn't just open up and tell them that you don't feel well enough to do that. It's probably too late for this year, but I hope you'll say that in 2018. You could also tell them that you would love to spend the time with them and their families at one of their houses, if possible. If none of them thinks they can handle that, then you'll be free to go on holiday again. Please cherish the fact that your ac and families want to celebrate Xmas with you, but don't let them push all the work onto you at the same time.

For years and years we have had family Christmases, although they have started to tail off with our DSs going to or inviting their partners' families. DH and I have become quite sad and feel the family is breaking up. Last Christmas, faced for the first time with being on our own, we went away to a hotel where we were wined, dined and royally entertained. There was no cooking, no walking on eggshells to spare feelings nor sibling rivalry, no worry about food fads, no clearing up etc. We missed the family, especially the DGC (who are still very young) but had frequent phone calls and videos.

This year, we were approached by DS2 in August to say he'd been talking to his siblings and they hoped they could all spend time over the Christmas period with us this year (they will stay, they don't live close enough to visit for the day)! I'm not too well and am getting quite stressed at the thought of all the work, bedding changes, meal preparations etc.

It was lovely to get away last year. I've increasingly found Christmas to be really hard work. DS1 says they plan to spend Christmas 2018 with us too.

I'm sorry you are sad, expectations are always far too high at Christmas. But many other GNs on here share your experiences and some are desperately alone at this time of the year. My advice is, take anything that's on offer from the family but show that you won't be taken for granted and can be independent. Perhaps you'll be missed, or like us, you may enjoy a break. Family dynamics can take on a life of their own, you can't predict them. Next year may be completely different.

For the first time ever, we have decided to do something different and spend time away Christmas and through to the New Year.

We love our family, but are tired of them making use of us when they feel the need. Christmas has always been stressful because of expectations that we will provide lunch, tea, dinner etc. which is ok now and again, but after 20 years of it I feel it's for us.

I suppose I've always been protective about my own life, preserving my interests & hobbies are very important. That's not to say I ignore everyone, but I choose when I want to be sociable. Selfish? Maybe but it keeps me independent and allows us all to get on with our lives.

We are all different, but self preservation is important and perhaps creating some distance of your own is called for.

I also feel my adult children have distanced themselves. My sons are more involved with their wife/girlfriends families and my daughter lives alone miles away ans seems to expect me to visit her as she has a busy life but I’m finding it too much.
Their dad and I don’t have a happy marriage so that may put them off visiting.
I see one son regularly as I help with childcare but I can’t saythat we are close.

This is just such depressing reading. I feel for you all and hope you can find a way to make Christmas enjoyable for you all.

So sorry you feel so bad. I think Christmas makes us all aware of what’s happening around us When we are constantly shown adverts of the perfect family.
When our on DD got married I had her mil, worse for wine, holding on to me all night telling me she wasn’t going to lose her son. Asking me repeatedly how much I loved her son. That first Christmas there was such a fuss over who’s house they would spend Christmas at. I told our DD not to worry, go to the in laws and come to us on Boxing Day. The in laws may have seen this as a sign of weakness because we have been excluded constantly ever since. We blame our son in law and his family but as quizqueen says our DD does have choices.
We closed the bank of mum and dad after parting with thousands and they have had no interest in us since. They had a new kitchen installed and have a problem that we didn’t not offer to pay for it. It’s heartbreaking but at least we are not being used any more.
As parents we think we are doing the best for our children but sometimes we create an environment which allows us to be abused.
If you take charge at least you will know we’re you stand and may make you feel better in the long run. Try and have a happy Christmas x

I'm with janeainsworth, stop lending them money. Just say you can't afford to anymore.
At least then you won't feel used.

We are in a similar position feeling out of sight out of mind until required by my son and his new partner. We have learned however to just accept this situation and make the most of the times we see them and the grandchildren .its been a long hard lesson but life goes on so my advice would be like others have try to please yourselves and enjoy life as best you can .

Bella2 - I feel for you and understand too. For various reasons we won't be seeing most of our family over Christmas and New Year. It is just the way things have worked out but when I was told about their arrangements for the holiday period I was so hurt and upset. This was about 2 months ago and since then DH and I have done a lot of talking and thinking. We knew that there was a tendency to contact us when they needed something so we have shifted our stance on that. We are not just as readily available and have made it clear we will help out when it fits in with our plans and we have also decided to spend more time and money on us.
Weather permitting, we will be spending Christmas Day walking in the Lake District, something we have always wanted to do. I feel now, that, what was at the time devastating has come something very positive and I really hope you can come to a similar way of thinking.

It's sad when children drift away from their parents and, although it seems it is often the DiLs who seem to cause the problem, it can be daughters too. I'm lucky that I am very close to my two adult daughters both in distance and relationships but never just pop in without checking if it is okay first. They know I am willing to loan them money but there is always a plan to pay it back and no more is forthcoming until the first debt is repaid and they understand that. I also would only lend money for essentials like car repairs.

Your daughter does NOT have to be at the beck and call of her in-laws; she chooses to be so. If she has made other plans she should just tell them it's convenient for them to call at that moment especially if they live close so haven't made any significant journey to get to her home.

In future, I would give them all a deadline to confirm visits by and, if they don't, sort out your own plans and stick to them and make your self more inaccessible for emergency cash and tell them that you don't think they appreciate it.

I find it quite sad "That is quite the done thing where I live, that young couples go to his parents one year and hers the following year, or invite his one year, and hers the year after" grandtanteJE65. I remember that on Christmas afternoon it was taken for granted that we took our children to Grandparents to tea and reciprocated on Boxing Day. Didn't want to hurt their feelings but we would have loved to have the time totally alone with our children on just one Christmas Day. Have ensured that our own daughters never feel this to be a problem (I hope) and who remain flexible and caring.

I am also one who has waited for the DC and DGC to realise that there should be fairness in the allocation of time over Christmas. Last year I had other plans but gave them up because 1DD asked me to go to her house. I went even though I knew ExH would be there I was polite but ExH started shouting at me about something which DD had mentioned. I wanted to walk out but DGC were in a bedroom playing computer games and I had hoped to spend time with DGC. I sat it out, politely thanked them for the meal and then left. How I wish I had stuck to my own plans.
This year I have plans which I hope to stick to no matter what. These plans do not include any DC or DGC. I do not want to waste the day.
It might be easier if you are a couple to go away. I have never gone away any type of holiday since well before becoming widowed. I don't have the courage to go alone. DCs have not worked this out. The Bank of This Mum closed a while back which may be significant.

bella2 - I feel for you and - although this will be of little comfort - I think this has become the way of the world. Also, sons are awful at keeping in touch. We have two of them and we always seem to be the ones to initiate contact.

I am not surprised that they ask if other siblings are also coming. For all you know, one partner may not get on well with another's partner and wants to avoid them or they themselves are not speaking to each other. Had you considered that this may be why they say no?

Perhaps it is best to focus invites around your and your DH's birthdays as that may make them feel more guilty if they say no. Let them know about it well in advance and nearer the time, making it clear that you don't want any presents, and maybe make it a tea so that they know they don't have to stay for as long as they would if it was a main meal.

If they are still reluctant to come or simply decline nearer the time, you will know for sure that they don't attach any importance to keeping in touch with you. In the meantime, build up your own lives and contacts as much as you can.

As for lending or giving them money, that should stop. To avoid a confrontation, you can always say that you've just had a big expense on changing the boiler or car repairs and that you need to build up your savings again in case of any more unexpected emergencies. Keep this up and they'll soon get the message.

Don't be swayed by any sob stories about your GCs' welfare either. Just say "I wasn't aware that [GC] needs X. It must be [specify time period] since I saw him/her so I had no idea about.....".

I hope this helps.

One comment jumped out of the page for me ‘my adult children often borrow money’. I’d wager this is at the heart of it, if you are always happy to lend them money I’m afraid respect for you will take a back seat and you become dispensable until the next time. Be firm, be fair, make them stand on their own two feet and don’t let their money problems impact on your own happiness.

How about taking a different tack & book a short break away with your husband over the Christmas period, you may well enjoy it & not be depressing yourselves worrying that you are not wanted, I say this as I have found out the hard way learning mostly that when they need you they will call, & to be honest I may have been a bit like it myself to my parents & inlawswhen my kids were young but it wasn't through any malice. it's so admirable & natural that you want to help , but you still have a life, try to focus on something that you want to do.

Don't fall into the trap of trying to buy their company. I suspect they don't realise how you feel as they have their own lives to get on with but then so do you. They are grown ups now, I don't suppose your parents were able to dish out the cash and you probably grew up the better for it, stop letting them take you for granted as being a bank and let them sort their own finances would be my advice but then that is easier said than done

Sadly, there are SOOOOO many of us in a similar situation. It's not until you mention it, that you realise how many parents are affected like this.

Hubby and me now lead our own lives, otherwise we'd go nuts.

We love our kids, but it has to be a two way love.