Adult children

I think you should wait until after the New Year before saying anything as before Christmas young parents are often so busy that tempers flare.

Sometime in February, I suggest you either invite all your children or if you prefer invite one child + partner at a time and say you have something you need to discuss.

First tell them you have rightly or wrongly a feeling that they are distancing themselves, so you would like to know whether you have hurt them quite unintentionally in some way. This way you are not accusing them so much as
sounding concerned. Tell them you miss seeing them and would like to be more in touch, but that you respect the fact that they have busy lives. Then see how you can progress from there.

I would quite frankly tell the son who makes plans to visit and then changes them, that this is annoying, as you have made preparations for a visit that does not take place. The older we get the more most of us need to be able to plan ahead, we are no longer up to running around at the last minute buying food or baking!

I would be equally frank with my daughter and tell her that I resent feeling that I have to take second place to her in-laws, because they are pushy, and she obviously either will not or cannot tell them that she is going to visit you, so she has no time to see them if they drop in , as she is half-way out the door to see you.

I'm sure you know how to put all this so as not to force your children onto the defensive, making things worse.

If you say and do nothing now, you are going to feel more and more resentful. I feel it is worth the effort to try and change things now - the longer you leave it, the more impossible it will become and the more unreasonable your reaction might appear to your children.

Tell them in the early spring that you expect them all for Christmas dinner next year, as they were with their in-laws this year. That is quite the done thing where I live, that young couples go to his parents one year and hers the following year, or invite his one year, and hers the year after.

Above all make it clear that you love and miss them - start by saying that.

If nothing changes, then stop lending them money, say you now longer can afford to do so.

You are so not alone . Waiting now for sons visit as his wife is out for the day and pro sky at a loose end . Sceptic yes I am like so many x

Hi Coconut. Just read your thread and we are thinking on the same lines.

I agree with1Jodie, book yourselves a lovely holiday for next Christmas and let your family know only a few weeks before what you are doing. It may just make them think a little.
Good Luck with whatever you decide.

Looking at the Christmas Calendar, why not invite them all for a Christmas tea on the Saturday, 30th December. The 27th, 28th, and 29th would be good but could be a problem with their work commitments. There is also 6th January, Kings Day which is when presents are given out and Christmas celebrated in some countries.

Make it an open house between 3pm to 8pm so they aren't tide to time and they can fit it in around other commitments.

Doesn't have to be a big meal more mince pies, sausage rolls, quiche etc. Things that can be kept if not eaten. You could also say this is when you are giving out your presents to them (if you give them presents.) It would be a good time to give the children their presents.

Make it clear you this is your way of getting together with the whole of your family at Christmas which you feel if very important

Tell them you're leaving all your estate to Cats Protection (or whichever charity you wish). That'l bring them round soon enough!

Sorry, cynical I know but might have a ring of truth.

Go away for Xmas but give all your family a date for maybe a big buffet get together in Jan when most people are less busy. If you give them adequate notice it shouldn’t be a problem. If it dosnt work out, maybe at some stage you may have to have that chat and ask if there is an underlying issue here that needs resolving. It is so hard these days when most people’s jobs are so stressy and time consuming, that close relatives do feel neglected. Do the same again in the summer, have a garden party for them all. I agree that your daughter should be assertive with her in laws re visits, and it should never make her late for other arrangements.

I can empathise with you as our daughter has very pushy in laws who stay with them a lot, ostensibly because they live three hours away. It can be rather too much when something has been planned with our daughter, SiL and the DGC and along come Mr and Mrs In Law who then proceed to monopolise the children and have actually, physically shouldered me out of the way!

My daughter told me recently that her MiL felt ‘pushed out’ by her own daughters in-laws, and is determined to have her ‘share’ of these younger grandchildren. We have worked a way round it, and we see our grandchildren every week or so which is lovely, but we don’t expect to see them, and it’s certainly not a competition. Our daughter also finds her in-laws a bit cloying, but appreciates that they love the children so takes the rough with the smooth.

I hope it improves for you, there has been some excellent advice here, with some very thoughtful ideas and suggestions - and helpful, I think, to have differing points of view ?

So sorry to hear you are upset and feeling rejection. Both your sons are unmarried and so what their girlfriends choose to do is their business. They maybe the mothers of your grandchildren but not your daughter in laws and have no obligation to you. They may not consider their partner's family any concern of theirs. Your own daughter sounds as if she's not sure what to do. It may be a good idea to ask when she and her husband are free and book a meal out for you and her family to celebrate Christmas. It is a very hard situation but your son's partners are with them and have not in anyway agreed to be involved with their partner's family. I'd feel rejected too but you have a daughter and son in law who are your family.

Sorry, this was meant to come after Rockkroll5Me's post.

My brother and I were discussing this subject the other day and lamenting that now the boot is on the other foot, we realise that we did the same to our parents.
If only I could have my dear Mum back again to tell her how sorry I am that I was careless about her love. Too bloody late

My children do love us and I know that if we needed them they would help in an instance, but the truth is we are no longer the most important people in their lives. If you go on Mumsnet you see posts and you know that they have no idea about certain relationships. They are being careless as well.
The song by Rod Stewart which goes ? If only I knew then what I do now, when I was younger' is so true.
I know my place and get on with my own life as it's a bit short to worry about my place in someone else's. I fit in with my Dcs plans if I can and if I can't, I can't. I am not going to waste a moment now of my own life.

So difficult for you. I am lucky not to have this problem - all DDs and I see/hear from them often; and am also involved in child care with the local ones.

I wonder if the fact that I am actually very busy is a positive factor here - being a school governor, running singing events, singing in a choir, running the village library etc. etc. In other words they know that I have a life outside of seeing them, so maybe they feel less under pressure to make contact and visit.

Just a thought - or maybe it is just the luck of the draw.

I am sorry that this is a problem in your life and hope that you have a merry Christmas whoever you are with.

Exactly harrigran we do slip down the list and I think it is a natural thing. Just at the moment you have one son with new baby, another with young baby and a distracted daughter. I don't see why you have to wait for them to sort something out over Christmas, could you host lunch on Boxing Day or New Year's day I have got a feeling they can't think straight with babies everywhere! Poor daughter, perhaps suggest a particular morning or afternoon you could meet and keep it light. Her MIL obviously isn't on GN or she would know not to pop in uninvited.

Tell them you're doing a buffet/meal Christmas eve/morning/night and it would be lovely to see them. It's up to them then and takes the pressure off

What a kind and positive message and I do wholeheartedly agree ?

Do not have expectations then you will not be disappointed, young people have such busy lives that parents slip down the priority list.

I think it's just the way it is. I only have one child, a daughter. We have always done everything together - days out, theatre trips etc. Then when my granddaughter came along, it was the three of us doing stuff. Now my granddaughter is a teenager (although we still see a lot of her) it has tailed off. My daughter prefers to be with her friends and is very wrapped up in her daughter's life. I used to get very upset over it, but that didn't help the situation. It's sad but at least we see them. Only once have they spent Christmas Day with us over the last 20 years or so, they prefer to do their own thing but they do come to us Boxing Night every year. Try to go with the flow. I know it's not easy.

It must be heartbreaking to think that your children don't want to spend time with you. I tried to think what I might do in your situation. Next year, or even this year, you still have time, just book a holiday for yourself and your husband over
the Christmas period and then a month or so before Christmas just tell them that you decided to go on holiday this year. Wishing you well whatever happens.

Does your daughter live near enough for you to pop in like the in laws do? And/or meet for a quick coffee somewhere during the day? Let her know that you miss her and understand that she is busy, so if she cannot get to see you, you will go to her. Just keep it casual, no criticism, just light hearted conversations and a hug.
If they owe you money that is another thing that can come between your relationships. If they struggle to pay you back they might feel awkward about visiting. Can you formalise it and make sure they are all treated equally? When one of my sons needed a substantial amount I drew up an agreement and he set up a standing order to pay me back.
I think it's great that they see each other, not all siblings get on.
Sadly, many children assume that we will live forever, and only when we pass on do they realise that they've missed their chance.

Bella2
I feel for you and believe many of us have kids who take us for granted .Being there for them at the drop of a hat providing money as none of us want to see our kids having financial problems can make a rod for our own back and do they think any better of you ?Much as you would like to see your family over Xmas ASK them their intentions don't pussyfoot around them as if you are not to be included in their arrangements then go do your own thing you have a life and they should respect this.
I hope you sort this out as you are not to be picked up and put down to suit others.

Bella2 thanks for sharing. I think it is a long haul. I have been in despair tried to fix in as many ways humans can imagine and then you get to accept it. A bit like a grieving process. The shock the denial the anger the sadness then the acceptance but not because they are dead it has to be an acceptance that things might get better in the future. Of course hanging on to this hope means you are still open to hurt.
All our stories are different. Mine is better and worse. I don’t have a husband, if I offer money it is refused. Grandot#1 is autistic but no one speaks of it. My son does allow me to send money to his bank account for speech therapy. His wife will not visit my house so I rarely see them and yet they do spend Xmas day with me at my daughters who says she only invites them for my sake. Isn’t it strange.
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So back to you. I’m just totally with you. I think your attitude and behaviour is exemplary. So thank your lucky stars you have a partner. Shrug roll your eyes and drink a toast to your success in raising independent children. Cheers

bella please don’t take this the wrong way, but your reply was contradictory. You say there’s no room in their lives for you and then you say you have to change your own plans if you want to see your grandchildren. Why is that? Do they suddenly spring plans to visit you? If so then great! Seize the moment.

Then you say the first time meet up with your son’s partner went well, but you didn’t really connect as ‘she has a baby of her own’. I don’t see what that means.

You do have contact so enjoy that time. I think it’s the Christmas issue that’s the real problem for you just now. Just tell them you need an answer so you can plan accordingly. Be firm.

Bank of mum and dad, when do we go to the bank? when we need money. If you have allowed that pattern to happen then they will come when they need money and won't come when they don't because they will feel beholden.

Done it myself and its not easy to get back onto an easy path afterwards.

I also find that young people have busy social lives with their friends tobe keeping up with (sometimes the reason they need to borrow money) don't wait for them to decide when they are coming, invite them all and if they want to don't come, just do something else to suit yourself.

Our solution is to get away for a sunshine holiday.

The only comment I would make is to stop lending your children money.
Why would you?