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Divided family

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NonnaW Wed 13-Dec-17 09:39:39

My DH has a similar situation with his children - son a and youngest daughter so not speak to elder daughter (neither does her mum!). We see them separately though they did all attend our wedding albeit keeping well apart. DH has no idea what caused the rift but we do still keep both sides updated about happenings within their lives. It’s so sad, but at least they do all still maintain contact with their dad.

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GrandmaMoira Wed 13-Dec-17 09:36:05

I'm sorry you are so upset by your divided sons. We often hear of estranged adult children but I think it is also common for our children to fall out with each other, especially sons. My husband and his brother never got on though they were willing to be at the same large family gatherings. They cut off contact after their mother died. I know others the same.
Try to think positively in that at least you do have contact with all your sons.

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Luckygirl Wed 13-Dec-17 09:11:46

That is a sad situation, and you are right to accept what you cannot change. Interference would get you nowhere and is likely to worsen things. I hope you will be able to enjoy each of the celebrations and take comfort from the fact that each of your sons is happy to spend time with you, in spite of this rift. I am sure that this has been achieved by your tactful dealing with what is a very unfortunate situation, so hats off to you both.

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grannyactivist Wed 13-Dec-17 08:59:51

I think I would write the same letter to both sons telling them you love them and asking which one of them will avoid yours or your husband's funeral. Explain it is concerning you that they cannot get together with you when you're alive and you would want ALL your family together at the funeral, when the time comes, to support their remaining parent. My guess is that both sons will want to be at the funeral so then you can suggest that if they can get together when one of you is dead, it is possible that, for your sake, they can they can do so before. They don't need to be friends, just civil to each other.

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annsixty Wed 13-Dec-17 08:42:47

Nothing to help you Floria but just to say how sad I feel for you and I do understand.
This myth that every other family is having "a simply wonderful time" at this "most wonderful time of the year" is mostly just that, a myth, for very many families, mine included.
If we are realistic we can cope but your situation is , on paper, solvable and I pray for you that one day, common sense and love for you will prevail.

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Floriatosca Wed 13-Dec-17 00:26:14

I do not want to put a dampener on all you lovely GN’ers looking forward and planning a lovely happy Christmas but will you please spare a thought for those of us who have to live (through no fault of our own) with a divided family.

We have three sons - all in their forties and one a grandfather this year. My husband and I only ever lived and worked to make absolutely sure that our boys were brought up in a living, secure and solidly happy family.

Ten years ago our eldest and youngest son became estranged. We do not know the reason, but can imagine the fringes of it. We do not wish to know the cause as it would not help and would probably cause us even more anguish. In any event this is a situation that will most definitely never be resolved.

My husband has approached the son who feels most aggrieved son on many occasions in an attempt to broker some peace but each time this has been violently rejected. We accept this (we have no choice). The other son has never been approached about this. This is an extremely painful situation to us as parents.

Once again the festive season has come around and we have to make two separate occasions to independently get together for Christmas. It is the same for birthdays too. My husband had a most miserable 70th birthday lunch this year with two thirds of the family. There is always one family missing at what should be happy family occasions and the older we get the more painful and sad we become.

Both sons are married lovely girls who have very strong family ties (like I thought we had) and when I hear of how their families are enjoyed, and how our sons get along with in laws etc it makes it even harder for us to bear.

All the joy of Christmas and family times are just stressful and sad to us. Of course we appear to enjoy the time we spend with each side but it is not the same as having an irreparably divided family. Even their respective children never get a chance to meet. We have never even mentioned the fact to our eldest son that we have a beautiful new great grandson this year. I do not believe he nor his wife would be interested in the news.

I know full well families cannot always be happy and united. We would like our sons to be able to be at least civil to each other during family occasions, and to think how their behaviour so drastically affects us and their neutral brother in the middle.

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