Our grown up children have minds of their own.

Maybe. Or is the need to establish control innate?
Has anybody else read Dorothy Rowe?
"The Successful Self" was a total epiphany to me in helping me to understand why some people have the need for control and how terrifying the world is to them when that control is threatened.
She is my guru!

Adding another layer to the issue, some people have grown up with a controlling parent, and go on to relationships with controlling partners as they know no different.

But most of the people responding to that thread, including myself, feel that the OP brought the problem she now thinks she has, upon herself by first abandoning her son herself and then expecting to resume a close relationship 8 years later.

I think in some cases, and please note I am saying some cases, the parents themselves are at least contributory, sometimes completely responsible, for any estrangement from their children, but find it easier to blame their child's spouse than be honest with themselves about their contribution.

Missadventure good post, and totally the situation with my estD.

Also... if you want an illustration of the kind of situation I'm talking about there is a thread on the AIBU board titled 'Aibu to want my son back? His fiancé has taken him from me'.
I half admire the poster for realising and honestly sharing her true opinions but she perfectly reflects the kind of family breakdown situation that I refer to.

Smileless - I'm sorry but I wasn't commenting on your situation at all. Why take it personally - or did I hit a nerve?.
I didn't say it was common for an 'AC who had a close and loving relationship with his/her parents to cut them out once they've married and their first child has been born'.
I said it was common for a wife/husband to alter their beliefs/behaviours in line with their spouses - people change, especially if they've been with somebody a long time. It doesn't mean that's a bad thing but birth families can sometimes struggle to accept this and the fact that they are no longer no.1 in their adult child's life.

Really bugsy "when in reality most of these family problems occur because of a disconnect when an adult child creates a new family" how do you know? Have you made a study of estrangement?

I can just imagine the reaction I'd get from you if I'd made a statement that said "most of these family problems occur because the AC marries a controlling and emotionally abusive partner".

It certainly isn't normal and natural for an AC who had a close and loving relationship with his/her parents to cut them out once they've married and their first child has been born.

Completely agree with MissAdventure's first response here. It's been going on in my family for over 25 years with DD unable to stand up to constant verbal abuse and never got the courage to break free. She lives nearly two hundred miles away. Last time I saw her was two years ago for about half an hour and she only phones once or twice a year when he isn't around. Says it all really!

I would imagine problems arise because of a multitude of reasons, as diverse as each family is. Some of the threads here are very complicated, with exes, step parents, half siblings, etc etc.

You've hit them all on the head lucky. It is easy for us grandparents to blame a son or daughter in law when in reality most of these family problems occur because of a disconnect when an adult child creates a new family unit (usually when a parent doesn't like the new husband/wife for example or when the parent struggles to accept the smaller influence they now have on their child's life). It's true that a husband or wife will have a huge impact on the way their spouse behaves, especially once a couple have been together a long time. But that is normal and natural and I believe that relations within families will be vastly improved if we can all learn to get along

Exactly what MissAdventure said!

nina

Thankfully my son has ignored my daughter-in-law's every effort to cut me out. In fact, we now have a new honesty and closeness. It has, however, impacted on his marriage and that really saddens me. She refuses to let me see my granddaughter. I'm not allowed to send gifts....although money is acceptable! Of course, money doesn't need an explanation, a bike does doesn't it? When I found out what the little one was witnessing whenever my son tried to bring her to see me, I immediately stepped back. I can't be responsible for her being hurt, and anyway she would always associate me with hideous rows between her parents....blame me even. It's quieter between them now, mainly because her mum had got most of her own way. Naturally the other grandparents feature largely in her life, despite them living in a different country.

It's hard, as I don't have great health, and I'm alone since my precious husband died. However, my conclusion is that with people like my daughter -in-law there are often narcissistic traits involved, and the only way you can win with that type of person is by not playing the game.

I don't think we can interfere, just support our children when they are in such a relationship. There are a lot of controlling people, the media seem to think it is only men who are controlling, also violent. They are very wrong, it is often a woman who is controlling and threads on here make it clear that often DiLs shut out their DH/partner's family for no good reason at all.

Totally agree MissAdventure
Ex SiL did not stop D from having contact with us, probably because it was to his advantage. Child care, loaned money (never seen again) etc. However, he did control everything else D did I'm saying no more.
It took 7 yrs of 'treading on eggshells' but she eventually had found the courage to leave him.

I don't think a partner has to be violent to be controlling. It can be very insidious. Often people who are in the relationship can't see what's happening, but to those outside its clear. Just as grandparents here are advised to keep the peace, bite their tongues and walk on eggshells, so partners of controlling people can do the same, until they're losing sight of themselves.