Mum very poorly, dad being ridiculously stubborn ☹️ ?

jallimal108
An elderly person being difficult, suddenly finding themselves 'in charge' ie in this case of a sick partner, does not mean they may be suffering dementia.
Having had a dear aunt , who having no children of her own always thought of me as her daughter, one winter became very ill Her husband informed me and made it clear I was to keep away and that he could cope. He had always been a very mean person where home comforts were concerned.Too late for my dear aunt.
Finances can be dealt with later but priority has to be the sick person regardless of what that persons partner believes. Social services will step in and override any resistance when life is at stake.

Despite them having money social services have a duty of care to your mum. Phone them and say you want to raise a safeguarding. Legally they have to act.

It's your dad's home but it's your mum's too. Imo, you are giving him too much power. Your mum has a separate bank account, according to you, and she could have a poa whether he would "countenance" it or not. Then she could enter a care home and pay for it herself as long as she can. After that, he would probably be required to pay, Idk how that works if his accounts are in his name only. Definitely see a solicitor about this. And document everything for social services, so he can't just "sweet talk" them away.

This is going to sound awful and disrespectful to older people, but at 95 could the father simply be kindly but firmly "overruled" by the children and have the heating set suitably for the mother - maybe find some way to make it so he can't access the controls? Do they make controllers with PINs you have to enter before changing the settings?

Another vote here for rattling Social Services' cage by using a few well-chosen phrases: "vulnerable adult", "financial abuse" etc. Make phone calls, keep notes of all conversations and names of people spoken to and follow up with letters/emails, "Following our telephone conversation this morning, I understood you to say that .... I would emphasise that .... " etc. Copy to relevant others: GP, your siblings etc. If no rapid change of attitude there, go and see your local councillor with your notes. I also agree with some other contributors that your father is also likely to have one of the many forms of dementia which deprives him of insight and empathy (50% of people of his age have dementia). He might have been a proper old curmudgeon all his life, but his present behaviour shows lack of judgement and reasoning too.

If the house is in joint names and she has her own bank account. You can set up poa and she can gone to a home and her half of the house will pay for it at a future date. My dad never allowed central heating into his house until we forced him after mum had died. He said the house wasn’t built for central heating. Unbelievable, I feel guilty that mum never got to enjoy a warm toasty house . So push forward and let your dad fend for himself your mum is priority

If your Mum wont be safe at home, then she may need to go into residential care.

You may need the help of your parents GP or social worker who is planning discharge, to explain to your father.

Good luck with it. I wouldn't her go home even with another care package in place, if he hasn't accepted she needs the care and a warm house.

Good luck.

Just wondering how long it’s going to take to get Smart heating fitted? Anybody know what the wait time is?

Sadly this happens that men do not feel the cold and women do.

According to the paper, women feel the cold more readily - one small sample test the researchers carried out suggests that women are comfortable at a temperature 2.5C warmer than men - between 24-25C.

According to Prof Paul Thornalley, of Warwick Medical School, variation in average metabolic rate and body heat production between men and women "may explain why there is a difference in environmental temperature required for comfort between males and females".

Your father is engaging in behaviour that is defined as neglect. You could ask for a safeguarding conference, there is a social service number to ring for this, and following a conference it is very likely that your father would be told that your mother has the right to come home and the conditions she needs for a health life would be laid down and their implementation supervised.

Sadly, it has happened in my family, that a wife has asked my husband to ask his father to turn up the heating so it is not uncommon. Especially as with older age you may be less sensitive to temperature. After all some people die of hypotherima.

I would also buy an electric over blanket for your mother one in the bedroom and one down stairs for her favorite arm chair.

Hope you are successful.

Could they legally separate, so that she receives half of the money? SS don't always agree to defer charges. They wouldn't with my mum even when she was down to her last thousand.

If your dad isn't tech savvy and could not work the system then Hive might be the answer with an app on your mobile. Might be worth looking into. And having the house control in a position that he cant get at it.

Maybe if he is accused of neglect by authority figures he might see sense but after so many years it might be past that.

Is it possible he could be suffering some form of mental health issue that is exasperating his mental capacity to make decisions.

Adult services have a duty of care towards your mother and can override his wishes if he is putting her health and her life at risk, and he is. In fact it could be classed as abuse.

When I worked in elderly care we did see this sometimes, his own mental capacity and judgement may be an issue.

As others have said you need to involve the GP as well, put your concerns in writting if you have to, make it a formal request that they respond. Age U.K. and The Alzheimer Society are a great source of help and advice.

Your poor mum needs to live out her days with better care than this. And if she suffers and dies as a result of his behaviour, you don’t want to be left feeling guilty, as some people I know have.

If she needs to go into care for medical reasons she won’t have to pay any costs. Ask about fast track at the hospital. My elderly parents were both self funding in theory but didn’t pay anything as they went into care homes for the last couple of months of their lives after being in hospital.

Threaten him with criminal charges if anything really bad happened to your Mum. That might get the old s...d to take action. (Sorry!)

If your parents only have joint accounts now is when you or one of your sisters needs to get your mum to sign a letter of authorisation enabling one of you to open a bank account in her name and get her OAP paid into it.

That way she has control of some of her own money. And do please follow FarNorth's advice too.

Such a dreadfully worrying situation for you all.

Has anyone here suggested contacting Women's Aid or whatever your local Abuse/Refuge is?

There have been some great suggestions here. And as I've been busy I haven't had time to read all the replies so apologies if someone has covered this.

Have you and your family said the words Abuser and Bully to you Dad?

Please look up Domestic Abuse. You will find that what he is putting your Mum through is classed as Abuse and the Police can get involved. Indeed they Should be involved.

From what you are describing I think - but I might be wrong- that the level and duration of the Abuse I'm guessing there are grounds for prosecution. That's where the folks at Woman's Aid will be able to help as they deal with this area of Law all the time.

I'm appalled that the GP hasn't recognised this Abuse.

Please for you Mum's sake get the SS/GP re recognise the Domestic Abuse.

Lead them by the nose if you must, print out the definition of Domestic Abuse because that is what is what she is suffering.

So sad for you and your family, I'm so sad for your Mum and I am so very angry at you Dad.

Is your mum scared of him? I ask this because although we visit PIL regularly we have just realised that FIL has been harming and threatening MIL she was to scared to say, Social Services became involved but she has started lying to them because she’s scared what he will do

A friend was in a similar position. Her mother went into hospital with a life threatening illness, and there was a multi disciplinary meeting in the hospital. Her father wanted his wife home, she wanted to do what her children wanted. She went into a nursing home for the remainder of her life, paid for by the NHS. The NHS initially didn’t want to pay, but enough health facts were produced. Do go to the Age UK website for advice or speak to one of their workers.

But your mother has tolerated his behaviour for a very VERY long time and might feel ‘wrong and hopeless’ in going against his selfish views and actions. If she wants to go home, I doubt anyone could or would stop her.

All very, very difficult. I feel tremendously for you and your mother.

?

BUT

Nearly every poster here has blamed the father "abusive", "selfish", "threatening", "bullying", "harming", "neglect", "criminal" etc.

While I definitely think the poster's mother needs to be protected from his behaviour and not sent back to their home when she leaves hospital, I feel his needs should be considered as well.

His unreasonable behaviour might be a result of depression, dementia or other mental/physical health issues. I've seen people whose behaviour has become very abusive with dementia (quite shocking to see a gentle person becoming aggressive or abusive). He should be assessed and treated, not just blamed.

If I have read these post correctly Loopylou has said her Dad is Not suffering from dementia. Indeed I think Loopylou says he knows what he's doing, what answers to give and is clear that any funds are to pay for his Potential Future care.

So on the face of it her Dad is selfish (funds are for him, heating on his terms), manipulative (doing and saying enough to get his own way) even at the risk to his wife.

No wonder she's worried about her Mum

Copied straight from the NHS web site on Emotional Abuse

"control your money, or not give you enough to buy food or other essential things?"

I think not allowing sufficient heating and or not paying for appropriate care fits into the NHS definition of emotional abuse.

I get that he may not realise what he is doing is beyond selfish and has now been accepted and part of Domestic Abuse.

However, I just hope Loopylou and her family find a way to help her Mum and keep her safe.

Agree with others. Contact the local authority safeguarding adults team. You could also try the Citizens advice bureau and maybe Age UK. I can empathise re parents being stubborn and refusing to give an inch which in my case is confounded by the fact that my Mum only remembers "snippets" which are never about how inflexible or sharp tongued she can be. I would think that half of the house belongs to your mother. I agree with others that I would try and avoid your mother going home until you sort out the situation with your father. Are you sure he has mental capacity? Good luck.x www.england.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/adult-pocket-guide.pdf

I feel so sorry for your situation but can offer no help.
My brother has the same selfish attitude and didn't give a monkeys for my SIL when she was alive.
I have no idea what the answer is other than having mum living with a family member or putting her into a care home, clearly he as no intention of putting himself out.