feeling dreadful and wounded

I've re-read your message and remembered the saying ' attack is the best defence '. She physically attacked you , maybe she's feeling guilt ? She'll be embarrassed now ?

allI was trying to convey over the fudged arrangement was that it was a trivial thing that sparked it off - that issue is negligible it was the reaction which I have started to get used to and wary of. We talked on the phone just after it happened as it was obvious I was very upset and we had to meet the next day over a work issue and everything superficially fine and friendly - it's deeper than that. Things have changed for the worse. I also phoned daughter's in laws next day and suggested we meet up soon and we ironed out the miscommunication.
The fact is that if I say anything she disagrees with she is attacking me so angrily, that is what is beginning to scare me.
And the reason I mentioned my recently diagnosed heart complaint was that, if anything, has made her angrier.

three days on I have not heard from her - I sent her a message 2 days ago she has not replied or acknowledged....I am giving her space - but usually when she is harsh she is remorsful, not this time. That is why I am sad.
btw this very rare condition (ascending TAA) means that without any symptoms it can rupture and cause death at any time. It is usually first diagnosed post mortem. Many may have it though NHS says 5 in a 100,000 but knowing you have it is like a sword of damocles hanging over you. I am scared of travel to distant parts - alone. I am scared of a public dramatic death. the only way to stop that prognosis is open heart surgerywhich will put me out of action for 3-5 months. And when you live alone this too is a very scary thought. its a bugger.
perhaps she feels she can't escape I can understand that and it hurts me, I understand why I get anger and not comfort at this time. but it hurts. She is angry with her brother who lives many miles away and has a dependent wife and a young family, for not being more involved. It annoys her that I don't have a partner. They died or they were wrong but it is still seen as a failure. Everything annoys her - and she i s peri-menopausal - not to be discounted. I will just have to be braver. Count my blesings, and like us all, I have many. and really I'm fine living day by day. thanks again for your support. and you never know what is round the corner. Hope and Optimism and Exit Brexit the struggle continues...happy new year to us all XX

Rocknroll5me sorry to hear of your problems but just wanted to say my MIL was diagnosed with the same condition some years ago. She underwent the surgery and lived for many years after that before finally dying of cancer 8 years ago. I hope you get the surgery soon and also your issues with your daughter are cleared up.

I was cross and let it show forgetting it was still xmas and we must all be Very Very careful not to upset anyone....

This rather sounds as though you feel you had a right to be cross. Had you jumped to a conclusion that you had been deliberately excluded from the visit? If so, it's understandable your DD was annoyed.

It's a good idea not to be too quick to get cross, whatever the time of year.

Why not apologise to your DD for anything you said or did to upset her? Maybe then she'd also apologise for her part.

Morning RR Your condition is serious, the sooner you get the operation the better, this hanging over your head is obviously effecting you and maybe making you snap when normally you wouldn't. I'm surprised your D isn't more understanding & gentle with you. Was she always like this with you, or is this a new thing? Do you get on ok with your s.i.l? I ask as it was my s.i.l that caused the estrangement with my D&GC, yet I didn't know, until I was cut out, that he had a problem with me & I had no problem with him, till he cut me out of their lives!

Oh dear ...... As you say, onwards and upwards! I'm guessing your daughter is very, very concerned about your health and her tension and worry about your health caused her to over react.

More importantly, I hope your cardiology appointment goes well. Look after yourself. There are often silly family rows at Christmas so don't fret. Hope it helped to get it off your chest ....

Personally I would have to send her what my son awfully describes as a “s—t sandwich” !! You start off saying how much you love her and how you appreciate all that she does for you. Then you tactfully address how you are treading on egg shells and how awful it makes you feel etc .... then you go positive again and reiterate a more honest approach to your relationship, so that both are happy and able to voice any angst calmly and peacefully. Good luck with whatever you choose to do, but remember if you go on doing what you have always done, you go on getting what you have always got ?

If our family have always been there for us then there are occasions we should get things into perspective and eat a piece of humble pie.
Be the first to say sorry for your reactions. Is it worth causing a rift between yourself and your daughter over such a minor incident like who went to who for a meal?.

I've only just read your last post. As I said before, I think your daughter has done the internet research and also realises the implications of this very serious condition. Which is making her more snappy and unpredictable. She's worried .... And her worry is coming out in the wrong way making her unpredictable and snappy.

I'm sure she loves you very much. All you want is a gentle hug and some understanding of how you feel. The worry for you all is enormous.

Sending you love and hope for a happy and healthier new year.
Kiss and make up time with your daughter xx

Rocknroll5me I think you're acknowledging your daughter is a bully now that you're on your own, as if your husband were still there '.... she probably wouldn't have dared be so nasty'.

I think there is a lot of this about and I am not sure what we do about it.

So very sorry to read this. Your daughter was probably very stressed after hosting a very busy Christmas Day and then a busy Boxing Day lunch where there had been words. You probably got the fall out simply because you're Mum. I had a mini meltdown on Boxing Day too, which I was sorry about. All due to a mixture of tiredness and stress.
Big hugs

Some interesting comments thanks. Glad your MIL recovered well willow.
And can see that I still didn’t explain the trigger properly. Every year I see my sil’s parents either on Xmas day or in the week following and we exchange presents. As they couldn’t make xmas day this year it was to be sometime in the following week. Date time not arranged. So when I met D and sil that afternoon I was very surprised that they had been to see them. I wasn’t cross exactly I just said why didn’t you tell me? That was it.
And coconut I think you too are right...and teddy I know she is worried but AmMaz I agree, we can’t be too appeasing when behavior is wrong. Tough as that is.

Christmas is just a catalyst for all sorts of things. Your family will be worried about you and it all just came out inappropriately. Try to see it in context, lots of worries escaping all at once.

You are not well and it is overwhelming to be coping with that, never mind anything else.

Take good cre of yourself and I am sure the rest of it will all blow over. Good luck and let us know how it all goes for you.

Such a shame for you all. Sounds like a misunderstanding at a time of year when these things can be blown out of proportion. How about making an unreserved apology - whether you feel you are at fault or not. Just to restore peace. And some pretty flowers. Hope it works out because otherwise everyone looses.

I think Anitampl is right. It was all a bit of a misunderstanding that got blown out of proportion, as often happens at this time of year. Your health problems are serious so you really do need to get that sorted out - no wonder you’re on a knife edge. (I was mis-diagnosed with your problem and those weeks were bad enough.) I really do hope you get this sorted out soonest, you don’t need this kind of stress.

Hi there ! Sorry to hear of all your problems ! as you so rightly say, getting old is tedious !!!

I wonder, is your daughter secretly afraid that if you are unable to look after yourself she will doubtless be the one expected to care for you ? She may be really concerned about the effect this would have on her life, work and family ......in which case you will need to try and reassure her if she will be willing to talk about it ....and perhaps research places where you can go after your op for convalescence .....thus you will not become the burden on her she might be thinking !

To be honest, sometimes I am pleased my D hasn't spoken to me for ten years ....much easier that way ! No idea why ...although she did tell me once when she was younger that she was going to put me in a home when I got old ....I just laughed and said I hoped she would be able to afford it ! The only way I keep 'in touch' with her is looking on the internet to see what she is up to ...thus I am happy knowing she seems to be ok ....and I can see the pictures of her house, partner and daughter ! The only concern I have is that like you, I have several health issues, including a congenital heart defect, from whichm ny cardiologist tells me cheerfully 'You could drop dead at any time' ...gee thanks !! and colo rectal cancer, which is sometimes thought to be hereditary and now type 1 diabetes ....all these things are really just illnesses, and since I have a funeral policy (NO, not the one with Stargazer Lillies ! God forbid !) ...which will take care of things, she will not be approached to pay for that ! BUT she does need to know about the possibility of being tested for the other illnesses in case she has inherited any of them ! In the case of the transposition of the ventricular artery (not the aeorta or I wouldnn't be here !) there IS a cure ....but only if you are a baby ...in 1947 you weren't tested for that ...apparently babies are now ! Parents never said anything about any of this ...and mother died at 64 of heart problems and cancer ....father at 80 for what is now COPD (then emphysemia).....my husband is 84 and has Parkinson's disease, and I am the only carer ...his daughter (he was a widower when we married) is singlem aged 54 and has no idea how utterly difficult it is dealing with his illness with no support or knowledge of the disease, like most people who think it is just 'tremors of the hands, isn;t it'....I WISH ! it is the psychological and personality changes that are the most difficult to deal with ........

BUT ...to get back to the point ......I really do feel your daughter is very wary of what will happen after your op and how much care you will be needing ,,,,if you are going out with her in laws, maybe you could raise the question of whether she or their son has mentioned this to them > I would also, IF or when she next does talk to you, raise this subject ...but ONLY after you have researched from others (see there is someone on here who has experience of a person with the same illness) what the likely results after the op will be, and what level of assistance you might need for the recovery period .......don't know if you have health insurance, but there is often a level of fees they will pay for a bit of convalescence or for a cleaner, etc whilst you recover

Above all, don't let this make you ill or stressed ...not good for your condition ....difficult, but you have to take each day as it comes .......life is too short to bear grudges or worry what people think....I gave that up long ago and if anyone gets to the 'oooh dear, whispering ...that is terrible' to me about any of the problems with my or the OH health, I just laugh and say life is terminal ...but that's just me, and I know that everyone is different and not many people share m y views ! Good luck .....play the waiting and not the needy mum, and your D will probably get in touch when she starts wondering why you have not contacted her ....don't .......... Otherwise, do try to have a positive outlook ...stay focused stay cheerful, and all the best for your op and for the new year

Every year is say we will go away for Xmas to get away from all the stress, but always end up doing what my DD wants.
This year was no different.
A complete stress fest. I won't bore you all with the details.

Also, I contributed quite a lot of money towards the food bill, even though DD buys too much.
In all the years I have hosted Xmas when my kids and grandchildren were growing up, I never asked for any financial contribution and they never offered any either.

Friends of mine who are invited for Xmas dinner usually take a bottle of something or food, but asking for money doesn't seem right to me.

So basically you forgot or failed to to turn up to something you'd been invited to and expected at, then tried to blame it on your daughter. I'm glad she agreed to accept it as a misunderstanding then, as it could have been quite embarrassing for her. Nice daughter you have there

They do say don’t they that you can choose your friends but not your relatives. A good network of friends is invaluable at any age with or without partners. It takes time and it’s not easy but join something you enjoy doing, a choir, art class, gardening class anything. Like minded people find each other if they try. Voluntary work is another avenue. Charity shops often need volunteers. Everyone has their woes and it’s good to share.

Ingejones Have you read the more recent posts from Rocknroll??? ...presumably if you had you wouldn't have felt the need to be quite so unnecessarily unpleasant or have completely missed some key points that highlight the many facets of such situations. Even if what you describe was accurate, expressing it like that is hardly helpful, is it! And no, I am not suggesting that everyone should pussyfoot around or not be honest...before anyone suggests I am ...I am suggesting that we can give hard messages in a kind way (even though this hard message is somewhat unfair!!)

tired

Why the hell did you go back to baby sit after being screamed at??

Thanks madgran
i can’ quite get my head round ingejones level of sarcasm after picking up the wrong end of stick... anyway.
Violette you have a lot on your plate and great attitude good luck and happiness
And some post about going back to babysit? Was that a mis posting to wrong forum or ?????
Anyway all will be well. Will do my best and you’re right Clakka it is good to share at least we can all see that we all have our problems and help each other along.

Rocknroll my DM was diagnosed with an abdominal aortic aneurysm at the beginning of 2016, very close to the time that my LTR ended. At first I didn't fully appreciate this condition and went online to investigate. What I read I didn't share with DM, she doesn't use the internet, and told her just to listen to her GP and consultant only. It was purely by chance that her condition was discovered and we are so grateful to her GP for this. Ironically, this GP is usually someone my DM avoids seeing, as she finds her a little brusque. This all happened at a very stressful time for me, going through a break up. I was climbing the walls with worry on top of all of the other things I was feeling and coping with and I don't live in the same country as her, so couldn't see her regularly. I'm not close to my DS and she's not a considerate daughter to my DM, so couldn't be relied on to provide support. The aneurysm grew very quickly and within a few months of diagnoses it had to be treated. Her treatment has been successful, thank goodness, but it was hell living through it. Your DD probably just needs a little time to breath and gather herself for this year coming. I wouldn't, however, tolerate being verbally attacked by her, regardless of your current circumstances. Ask your GP and consultant about the possibility of convalescing after your operation. I know a couple of people who have done this after open surgery and they were so glad that they did, saving them a lot of anxiety about relying on family. Wishing you well in 2018.

Well Madgran that's me well and truly wrist-slapped isn't it :D No I think they were posted while I was still typing actually, it's fast moving thread.

Camelotclub She needed me - as simple as that .