feeling dreadful and wounded

Rocknroll, just so it's straight , were you also invited to the said lunch at the in-laws?

I dont have an answer, it sounds a dramatic and painful episode when you are feeling so vulnerable because of your helath. Others will have wiser words. I'm sorry this happened to you rocknroll and hope your consultant can reassure you.

sorry it turned out that way,BUT ,maybe your daughter and her partner just needed a break ...without you.I cared for my mother for 12 years after dad died and there were times ...and I'm ashamed to admit it ..when I saw her number come up on the phone and ignored it ...until I felt I could cope with her .The rest of the time I could be the helpful ,always on hand D she was used to.Just now and again I needed a wee break .Try to see it from her side .

It sounds as though her reaction was a bit OTT to say the least! - which makes me wonder if she probably feels guilty about something.

I guess she is only human and it might be best to just let this ride. I understand the situation of not wanting to appear needy - which is why I try and fill my life with various activities. But the reality is that we all feel a bit needy sometimes. The adjustment from being always needed as a parent to being the person who has adult children whose focus has shifted is a difficult one that we have to work at.

We were included in lots of the Christmas activities this year - but some were just the children and GC without us. That is OK and as it should be - can't say there is not the occasional pang, but then we are all fallible and human.

Try to let this pass and not fester resentment.

My reaction would be NOT to contact her at all, but wait for her to think better of her reaction (rather rude and extreme I’d say) and let her be the first to make contact.

I’ve done this on a couple of occasions with my DiL and after a while I get a chatty text or a phone call. I know she’s noted my withdrawal and that is her way of saying ‘sorry’. I never mention the incidents which sparked her off but we both know that I was pissed off at her and the ball was in her court.

I’m a bit confused. You say you were told you were expected at the lunch so, I wonder why you left their house without mentioning it. Your DDs reaction was certainly a bit extreme.

Am I the only one that's confused. You say you knew in advance that you were expected, why didn't you go to the lunch?
Apologies if I've got that wrong. Have I also got it wrong that you expected to be added to your daughters invite to her in laws?

Who told you in advance that you were expected at the lunch, rocknroll? And, since you knew you were expected, why didn't you go to it?

#also confused

rock'nroll wrote
"One thing I would like to remind you all with husbands/partners, is that you can feel very vulnerable without the unconditional support they bring"
That's a good point, and something I've noticed more recently on Gransnet.
Hope you get it sorted, try making the first peacemaking move (maybe after New Year.) People are so easily upset at this time of the year.

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter. I hope it all gets resolved soon.
I find after Christmas when all three of my children have been here that I have practically no tongue left due to biting it so often to keep the peace!!
Good Luck!

I m confused too had you been asked and forgot to go to the in laws meal or had you not been asked and thought you should have been?
Either way it’s a shame there was the confrontation but I think you just have to carry on being as pleasant as possible and try and put it all behind you

what to do? the [son in law] gran has seemingly bought the whole of all the shops for xmas for two granddaughters-including the one present i had bought for her birthday in two weeks time.i had asked before i bought it and my daughter agreed it was good [it was not on the extensive list she had already been given].shall i give it anyway? shall i get something else -not a lot left to choose from to be honest.i'm thinking of getting something small and doing a treasure hunt to make it fun-feel mad and upset,that she turns everything into grandmaaa wars!

Or, maybe, the meal had been mentioned in passing, and it was taken as a given, that you would attend. We have had occasions like that, when someone says, oh, there's a party/lunch, but there is no written notice, invitation. When we don't turn up, I get asked why we didn't come, then when I say we hadn't had an invitation, I get funny looks and " oh really, sorry".

I am sorry,please ignore my post-i am new to gransnet and hadnt realised it was on another grans page x

Gosh I'm really confused now ???

yes sorry that was confusing it was a bit of shorthand. Basically every year her husbands parents (D and husband host xmas day) host a 'tea' or lunch or something. So before xmas D kept reminding me that we would have to go....and I said I really was quitie looking forward to it - though usually very formal. To be honest not much else on. So when I met them later in the day and they said they had been I was a bit surprised. As it turned out there was miscommunication all round - and I think I got the fall out. She said I caused a row...I saw it as expecting a slight apology for overlooking me. Not looking for a row! So I hadn't been invited for that time - just a general expectation over xmas. D just said 'Oh we have your xmas present in the car from G&D'....I had spent quite some time getting presents for them. I was cross and let it show forgetting it was still xmas and we must all be Very Very careful not to upset anyone....
yes I will let time pass....and I know what you mean about mothers - I had one and so often now I find myself thinking some of the things she used to say which I obviously found very annoying!! Bless her, I miss her so much. She spent 35 years coming up to us at xmas after dad died ...she died a few years ago... and everyone used to behave when she was around. Its a dodgy time emotionally

you might wonder why my daughter hosts xmas day every year...for which we are very grateful. 1 - because she has a big beautiful house and 2 - because she doesn't want to go anywhere else. and what makes it even worse is that my DIL who is the mother of my only grandchildren (2 GD's 3 and 5) will happily go to D's and hubbys but will not come to mine...SO D hosts xmas she says for me so that I see my GD's. She says she is not keen on her brother or his wife or children.. &.it means we all have to lock the dogs out all day because DIL doesn't like them. So you can see how D feels very self righteous. I give them money to pay for the day...and hope and pray. In fact it went brilliantly. everyone was a joy. and then I blew it on boxing day.

Seems like misunderstanding all round. Your daughter's reaction was a bit extreme but she was probably stressed too.
Your health problems must be adding to the stress Rocknroll I hope things work out well for you in the New Year. I would let this one go under the circumstances, the last thing any of you need is more anxiety.
Good luck.

I hope getting it out on here has helped, rocknroll. Tomorrow's another day

Yes it has helped. Thanks to all of you. Upwards and onwards

Rocknroll very sorry about your health problems, and it's lovely your D is supporting you with this, hope it gets sorted quickly for you. Good advise by all on here, Luckylegs re 'the adjustment, very true & Oldmeg re the 'chatty txt' an apology.

I think they must have all been waiting for you to turn up, and to give out the presents, your D should have given you a quick ring, to see why you weren't there. As others have said, just let it go, apologise for not turning up [even though you didn't know you'd been invited] and wait for your D to contact you. Good luck xx

So sorry about your health issues, Rock. Also, sorry about the dust-up with your dd.

I'm still not sure what happened though. Either no one told you what time the tea/lunch would be and you didn't ask (so perhaps they thought you knew or didn't care) - or you thought DD was going to pick you up and she thought you were coming on your own.

Honestly, it sounds here as if you really don't care for this "very formal" occasion, so maybe dd got the impression that you really didn't want to go, especially IF you didn't ask about the time, etc.

Be that as it may, I agree with the others that this sounds like a misunderstanding. I also agree that dd's reaction was ott. But that's probably from the overall stress of the season.

If she doesn't answer your message in a few days, I would send her one more, saying I think we had a misunderstanding. I would also apologize for any part I had in that misunderstanding, for example, if I didn't inquire about the time, etc. And then I would wait till she reaches out (and maybe apologizes for her harsh reaction, but don't bet on it). But that's just me. Not everyone would agree (rhyme unintended).

I think everyone's emotions are set to high at Christmas and New Year and it is easy for communication to be confused then cause flare ups. Hopefully short lived.
Kategran - I had the same problem. DD got an idea of an online list of things DGC would need over next year clothes wise and toys and games. You could tick it if you bought it. DSiL Mum bought everything decent on the list and left me with popper vests, socks, tights etc which I did buy as they are needed. DD swaps things if the children get doubles and changes sizes if the wrong size is given. I gave an envelope promising to pay for shoes the next time they are needed. It is a bit annoying though but we all get on well.

I fell out with my daughter too , but returned the next day as she said she needed me . Ha ! It was only a ruse to attack me , a verbal Zorro ! I left to get her to stop screaming , but then later in the day she phoned to do it again . I went back last night to babysit whilst she went shopping but we kept quiet . Maybe RockandRoll , that might work for you ?
Oh , the stress of Christmas ! It'll all be forgotten in a few days ! Next year I might do some volunteering somewhere ! Might see you there ! big hugs .