feeling dreadful and wounded

Seems like misunderstanding all round. Your daughter's reaction was a bit extreme but she was probably stressed too.
Your health problems must be adding to the stress Rocknroll I hope things work out well for you in the New Year. I would let this one go under the circumstances, the last thing any of you need is more anxiety.
Good luck.

you might wonder why my daughter hosts xmas day every year...for which we are very grateful. 1 - because she has a big beautiful house and 2 - because she doesn't want to go anywhere else. and what makes it even worse is that my DIL who is the mother of my only grandchildren (2 GD's 3 and 5) will happily go to D's and hubbys but will not come to mine...SO D hosts xmas she says for me so that I see my GD's. She says she is not keen on her brother or his wife or children.. &.it means we all have to lock the dogs out all day because DIL doesn't like them. So you can see how D feels very self righteous. I give them money to pay for the day...and hope and pray. In fact it went brilliantly. everyone was a joy. and then I blew it on boxing day.

yes sorry that was confusing it was a bit of shorthand. Basically every year her husbands parents (D and husband host xmas day) host a 'tea' or lunch or something. So before xmas D kept reminding me that we would have to go....and I said I really was quitie looking forward to it - though usually very formal. To be honest not much else on. So when I met them later in the day and they said they had been I was a bit surprised. As it turned out there was miscommunication all round - and I think I got the fall out. She said I caused a row...I saw it as expecting a slight apology for overlooking me. Not looking for a row! So I hadn't been invited for that time - just a general expectation over xmas. D just said 'Oh we have your xmas present in the car from G&D'....I had spent quite some time getting presents for them. I was cross and let it show forgetting it was still xmas and we must all be Very Very careful not to upset anyone....
yes I will let time pass....and I know what you mean about mothers - I had one and so often now I find myself thinking some of the things she used to say which I obviously found very annoying!! Bless her, I miss her so much. She spent 35 years coming up to us at xmas after dad died ...she died a few years ago... and everyone used to behave when she was around. Its a dodgy time emotionally

Gosh I'm really confused now ???

I am sorry,please ignore my post-i am new to gransnet and hadnt realised it was on another grans page x

Or, maybe, the meal had been mentioned in passing, and it was taken as a given, that you would attend. We have had occasions like that, when someone says, oh, there's a party/lunch, but there is no written notice, invitation. When we don't turn up, I get asked why we didn't come, then when I say we hadn't had an invitation, I get funny looks and " oh really, sorry".

what to do? the [son in law] gran has seemingly bought the whole of all the shops for xmas for two granddaughters-including the one present i had bought for her birthday in two weeks time.i had asked before i bought it and my daughter agreed it was good [it was not on the extensive list she had already been given].shall i give it anyway? shall i get something else -not a lot left to choose from to be honest.i'm thinking of getting something small and doing a treasure hunt to make it fun-feel mad and upset,that she turns everything into grandmaaa wars!

I m confused too had you been asked and forgot to go to the in laws meal or had you not been asked and thought you should have been?
Either way it’s a shame there was the confrontation but I think you just have to carry on being as pleasant as possible and try and put it all behind you

Sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter. I hope it all gets resolved soon.
I find after Christmas when all three of my children have been here that I have practically no tongue left due to biting it so often to keep the peace!!
Good Luck!

rock'nroll wrote
"One thing I would like to remind you all with husbands/partners, is that you can feel very vulnerable without the unconditional support they bring"
That's a good point, and something I've noticed more recently on Gransnet.
Hope you get it sorted, try making the first peacemaking move (maybe after New Year.) People are so easily upset at this time of the year.

Who told you in advance that you were expected at the lunch, rocknroll? And, since you knew you were expected, why didn't you go to it?

#also confused

Am I the only one that's confused. You say you knew in advance that you were expected, why didn't you go to the lunch?
Apologies if I've got that wrong. Have I also got it wrong that you expected to be added to your daughters invite to her in laws?

I’m a bit confused. You say you were told you were expected at the lunch so, I wonder why you left their house without mentioning it. Your DDs reaction was certainly a bit extreme.

My reaction would be NOT to contact her at all, but wait for her to think better of her reaction (rather rude and extreme I’d say) and let her be the first to make contact.

I’ve done this on a couple of occasions with my DiL and after a while I get a chatty text or a phone call. I know she’s noted my withdrawal and that is her way of saying ‘sorry’. I never mention the incidents which sparked her off but we both know that I was pissed off at her and the ball was in her court.

It sounds as though her reaction was a bit OTT to say the least! - which makes me wonder if she probably feels guilty about something.

I guess she is only human and it might be best to just let this ride. I understand the situation of not wanting to appear needy - which is why I try and fill my life with various activities. But the reality is that we all feel a bit needy sometimes. The adjustment from being always needed as a parent to being the person who has adult children whose focus has shifted is a difficult one that we have to work at.

We were included in lots of the Christmas activities this year - but some were just the children and GC without us. That is OK and as it should be - can't say there is not the occasional pang, but then we are all fallible and human.

Try to let this pass and not fester resentment.

sorry it turned out that way,BUT ,maybe your daughter and her partner just needed a break ...without you.I cared for my mother for 12 years after dad died and there were times ...and I'm ashamed to admit it ..when I saw her number come up on the phone and ignored it ...until I felt I could cope with her .The rest of the time I could be the helpful ,always on hand D she was used to.Just now and again I needed a wee break .Try to see it from her side .

I dont have an answer, it sounds a dramatic and painful episode when you are feeling so vulnerable because of your helath. Others will have wiser words. I'm sorry this happened to you rocknroll and hope your consultant can reassure you.

Rocknroll, just so it's straight , were you also invited to the said lunch at the in-laws?