Slight PIL problem

Hmm, Its all so difficult isn't it. Yes this baby might well be late and in my experience extra pairs of hands are welcome. Waiting on visitors! You must be joking. Give them something to do.
Also my DH went back to work very quickly leaving me to cope although I was very fortunate to have my mother to help.
Wish you all the very best.

Best wishes for a good delivery and a healthy baby, Bawn! Hope all works out with the ils, also! Please keep us posted when you can!

Very best of luck babybawn, having your wishes for a private bonding time.

Baggs, I agree. I also think it to be the rare woman who wants others around while she is leaking or spotting and looking badly.

Women are not all the same and don't all want the same things. What's great and lovely for one is not necessarily great and lovely for another. Having a choice is what's important and choosing something different from what you (any you) or I may choose IS OKAY.

I come home with my first child 2 days after giving birth. MIL and FIL were both there when we got home. MIL spent most of our first night cuddling my screaming baby so I could get some rest. Second night was much better but I couldn't have done without her calmness and help. I couldn't wait to see my DGC and fortunately for me my two wonderful DIL had us over the day of the birth and again soon after they got home to cuddle these lovely bundles.

When our first grandchild was due our DD and SiL said they wouldn't tell anyone when she went into labour as they lived near his parents and his mum would have been at the hospital for the birth if she'd known. So if you're overdue, don't tell anyone when you go into labour, just go and have the baby, just the 2 (and then 3) of you

Reading between the lines it seems that most posters had that time anyway as they were longer in hospital back in the day.
24 hours for me, apart from one extended stay with a DC who got an infection, although I do know that DIL only had six hours after the birth which I thought was far too short a time.

I didn't think they were staying with you - indeed it would be better if they didn't if they are overbearing and unhelpful.

All the best

I feel sad that young parents want to impose rules on people who love them and only want to show that love by being a part of their lives...But then I WAS born in the middle of the last century so what do I know !!
paddyann and that is the other most important point.

I suspect that if MiL weren't quite so overbearing, that it wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, she sounds like hard work
DJC I think that is the crux of the matter.
Thank goodness they live far away.

Every best wish for your forthcoming birthing, bb! You don't have to defend yourself against the screechers on here.

It would be nice if you could possibly find the time to come back on here when you are settled with your baby and The First Visits are over and let us know how you are and how baby is.

Its been an interesting thread and I think I've found my answer...go with the flow and see how we’re feeling at the time being key I think. Feeling far more relaxed about things now and won't be putting pressure on us to do things that don't feel right for DH and our baby-to-be. That said, will be mindful that PIL’s will be anxious to see baby asap

One or two things that came out of the thread that I found very interesting is people’s perceptions of me, my ils and the term bonding, maybe I should have taken the time to clarify these things.

My instincts are telling me to not have people stay for the first two weeks once the baby arrives, something DH agrees with. That is assuming that things go to plan and that we're home the next day of course. I know that things might not go to plan, but I'm an optimist and hoping things do, if things change then so will our approach. Why do we not want people to stay with us? Because we have a tiny flat, our bedroom is next to the living area and having 2 or more extra people in the house can make it feel like a nightclub. Why do we want bonding time? So we can figure out what we're doing as new parents without feeling overwhelmed and cramped with people in the flat. Once DH is back to work is when we would like people to stay as it will be company for me and peace of mind for him that I've someone to lean on. That may seem selfish and you may be right, but that is far helpful to us as new parents given our set up. Reading between the lines it seems that most posters had that time anyway as they were longer in hospital back in the day.

Someone mentioned back along that this generation is self-absorbed and I thought that was unfair. For one, I have worked since I was 15, saved every penny I had to get on the housing ladder and am a very family orientated person, despite my grumblings. All our annual leave, bar a cheeky babymoon, has been spent catching up with both sides of the family.

My ils are lovely people, but they can be very overwhelming as they are glass half full type of people and have a tendency to worry about anything and everything. I often see my DH get stressed out when they visit because he is trying to accommodate their every whim. Throw a new born baby into the mix and this could create the most stressful of situations should we back down and let them stay immediately after the baby arrives. Again a couple of people told me to grow up and stop being precious, but I think that is ill advice unless you know those involved because it could lead to a breakdown in good relations, something I'm very keen to avoid.
I think people jumped the gun when I asked what a reasonable timeframe was for visits. People assumed I was the DIL from hell. I tried to outline how ils are, not to be nasty (sorry if it came across like that), but to give you insight into how things are and how that can influence a situation. Trust me, I would love nothing more than to have IL’s who get on with it, but sadly they aren’t like that. At times it feels like we’re their parents and they are our children.

I know that they’ll be upset that they can’t stay with us and I know that they will be upset if we say now is not a good time to visit, but our baby and good relations has to be the end goal here. I like the idea of getting them involved with little tasks… making dinner and bringing that over or letting us go for a nap while they babysit a sleeping baby. 
I want to thank everyone for their kind wishes and input, it means a lot even if some of it was hard to digest. 

Have you done a survey yourself star lady, as to why some grandparents get cut off? No, thought not! You and I can only conjecture as to why grandparents become estranged, but there undoubtedly many reasons such as I some of the ones mentioned, but it is you who brought up the cut off subject, not I. I responded to what you had written in this thread and on other threads. I don’t think this poster is remotely interested in cutting off the baby’s grandparents, thankfully because ‘not respecting boundaries’ is never a reason for a parent to deprive their child of one entire side of it’s family and heritage. It teaches the child that family don’t matter, are unimportant and irrelevant, and not valued. It gives out very poor messages about how to manage relationships, it teaches children to be bitter and to ignore rather than resolve conflict. Cut off is never the way to resolve conflict and to deprive children of their grandparents is never right (except abuse cases, which we’re not discussing)
Bawn, enjoy your baby, and allow his/ her grandparents to meet him/her and enjoy him/her too, it’s the right thing to do, and underneath all this, I think you know that.

I don’t think bawn said her PiL would be staying with her Maggie, in my opinion that would be absolutely out of order

Bawn did say in the OP that they'd be staying elsewhere, maddy, but yesterday morning she posted:

both families can't just pop in to say hi, they would have to stay with us and what with it being a tiny flat I think that could be a very stressful situation so at least two weeks breathing room will give us time to get to grips with our newbie without the added pressure of having to entertain guests.

I agree, it would be completely out of order for the PILs to expect to stay so soon after the birth. But do they, or do they not?

In my experience, the vast majority of young parents, including Mumsnetters, enjoy the give and take of family life, wouldn't dream of co-ing their nearest and dearest, and have their own very healthy "disrespect" for psychobabble.

Maddy, when did I say anything about blaming egps on the other thread? There are many egps, these days, sadly, and they are not all here on GN. I know many gps are co unjustly. And some of that can be due to mental illness or a controlling partner, etc. But when I read on mn, I see many complaints about gps disrespecting boundaries by young women who have co their parents or pils or are being advised to do so. Also, I know this was the problem with a couple of my egps friends or at least part of it. How do you know how many gps are co or not for this reason as opposed to others? Have you done a survey?

You don't know the main reasons for cos and neither do I. But I do know that the tendency to dismiss the younger parents' boundaries and such is one of the reasons often cited on mn for pushing gps away and going lc or nc. Bless bawn, she doesn't seem to have any interest in doing that. But I'm relating it to this thread because I see so many posters here expressing this attitude, which I know from mn and a couple of my egp friends is an attitude that does lead to some gps being co.

Nothing specifically "American" about "boundaries" or "disrespect," Jalima, I'm mainly referencing Mumsnet, which is, of course, basically a British website like Gransnet. It may be "psychobabble' to you, but if this is what young parents are coming to believe, imo, it does us gps no good to pooh-pooh it. They control access to the gc, not us. Right now, fortunately, bawn's mil doesn't seem to be in any danger of being co. But if gps continue to brush off the idea of parental boundaries, etc., I'm afraid more of us are going to end up that way.

Paddyann and jalima, you’re both quite right in my opinion, but it is of course, just my, and your, opinions.

In my experience it has always been the norm for FAMILY to be involved at the birth of a new baby.When my sister was born at home ,my mother and the midwife were in a bedroom and the rest of the family were congregated in the kitchen drinking vast amounts of tea ( and the odd whisky for the uncles) That was my mothers mum ,and her 4 siblings and their partners ,my dad and my two older sisters and me .Those Aunties saw us every day ,they took us to the park, the cafe for ice cream ,,as it was just after the war the brought their fruit ration for us ,they knitted and sewed for us and they bought school coats and underwear as my parents were the only ones in the whole family who had children.Thats the way I grew up so it was just normal for me to do the same when my C were born and my GC everyone welcome to share the joy .I feel sad that young parents want to impose rules on people who love them and only want to show that love by being a part of their lives...But then I WAS born in the middle of the last century so what do I know !!

I suspect that if MiL weren't quite so overbearing, that it wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, she sounds like hard work.

I had short visits to my daughters house when her babies were born. On more than one occasion I was able to hold and pacify baby in another room so Dd and Dsil could sit down and eat a meal together. I was pleased to help in any way I could but never stayed too long.

I can't believe how venomous some of these posts are! Your baby your rules!! I had my first baby 46 years ago followed by twins 3 years later and when I got home from hospital I remember being exhausted by visitors wishing they would all just leave me alone for a few weeks but I was too young and naive to say anything and that was after ten days in hospital. I waited until my DD asked for my help (which admittedly was not long after the birth!) the same with DDIL- having been privileged to be at the birth at her request of my 2 DGD's babybawn you sound like a very considerate lady and your wishes should be respected especially as your husband is in total agreement. Be firm but fair. Enjoy your new baby and best wishes to all three of you

DJC I know exactly what you mean as the same thing happened to my DD but this is just two grandparents who will be calling in for an hour or two on a few days during their trip from overseas then going back home again.
Then the OP and her DH will have all her own family visiting.
In my experience there is no routine with or without visitors in the first couple of weeks after a birth anyway.

All this talk of 'boundaries' 'disrepect' is American psychobabble.
What happened to families and love - and excitement? They seem to get lost in all this angst.

I totally understand where you're coming from OP.

I think that your DH needs to take things in hand and put you and the new baby first. This is definitely the time to stick to your guns and let them know when it's convenient for them to visit.

With DD2 I was home the day after having her, and 20 minutes later my whole family turned up, and even brought their friends with them. I was tired and sore and really just wanted to spend time with my baby. They even ordered a takeaway, and made so much noise that they woke my new DD up.

Luckily for me, the HV eventually turned up, gave them a lecture about giving me some peace and quiet and then turfed them all out God, I loved her for that.

I don’t think bawn said her PiL would be staying with her Maggie, in my opinion that would be absolutely out of order, despite my own experiences. The new parents should be allowed to get on with being new parents, as is their wish, but again my opinion only, I think it would be entirely wrong to deny the new grandparents the opportunity to meet their new grandchild. Bawn, you may find when your baby is born, that you can’t wait to show him/ her off. I fully realise that you will feel very sad when baby is born because your own much loved mother will not be there to greet him/ her. It was MY mother I wanted to see my new baby and I was less worried about my MiL. I said in my other post I now realise this was selfish, but I was young and many miles away from my mum, and I wanted her to see this beautiful child I had given birth to. It didn’t help my situation at all that my PiL wanted to stay as guests in our home, and although I suggested a B+B, DH (also young and inexperienced) said it was unreasonable as my own parents had stayed.
Star lady, you are not cut off from your grandchildren, please do not draw any analogies between cut off grandparents and this thread. I am not a cut off grandparent either, but the cut off grandparents on the other thread do not need you to start to blame them, even if you qualify it by saying ‘not all’ grandparents bring it on themselves. The reasons grandparents become cut off are many and varied, and almost never because the grandparents were too demanding. Mental health is a big reason, controlling partners is another, over controlling parents can be another (see recent thread about a grandma who cares for her grandchild one day a week, and the list of rules and constant criticism she has to put up with, or another thread that is about a grandma who isn’t even allowed to take her grandchild out when she cares for him) and you will soon realise that in today’s world, with today’s values, many grandparents are considered unimportant, dispensable, not of any value, and without the nouse to care for a grandchild for a few hours without a minute by minute prescriptive timetable.
Bawn, have your baby, enjoy your baby, but give the grandparents a couple (or more) of short visits whilst they’re here, they certainly won’t be interfering grandparents, they don’t even live in the same country. I’m so sorry your own beloved mother won’t be here to share this wonderful time with you, but allow your baby’s other grandparents to be grandparents to him or her during the limited contact they will have with him/ her.

My daughter and son in law said the same before having their first daughter two years ago. They said this months before the birth that they wanted some time on their own to bond and we would have respected that. My daughter was taken into hospital with preeclampsia and was induced at 37 weeks culminating in an emergency CS. They asked us to visit in hospital as baby wasn’t feeding and my daughter still had high bp. They were stressed from birth and wanted family there. When they came home when baby was 1 week old we left them to bond but after a day or so when we suggested bringing meals over or doing shopping they jumped at the chance of some help. Baby only slept in someone’s arms so between us and in laws we did shifts to give them a break. Their second baby is due in May and there is no mention of restricted visits.

The point of my story is you don’t know what your birth will be like or how you will feel. You don’t know if your baby will take to feeding and sleeping straightaway or will need time to adjust. Don’t make rigid plans and wait until baby is here. If all is fine then I would suggest short visits as you will be exhausted. Ask for help either with bringing food or shopping or making tea. You should not be waiting on them as you normally would with visitors. If your relatives and ILs are understanding all should be fine. If not then just say you are too tired and so long as they have had at least one visit over the two weeks leave it at that. Babies rarely appear on schedule though. Luckily both us and my son in laws parents are local. I would encourage lots of visits as baby gets older. So many grandparents living far away have little time with their DGC.

I’ve just noticed, OP, while looking again, in vain, for the evidence that they have made it pretty clear that intend to ignore the wishes of the parents and fully intend to see the baby, etc, that in one post you say they won’t be staying with you, in another that they will have to stay with you in your tiny flat. Which is it?