Really really sad

CrazyH I’m so glad that you’ve gathered strength from all the posts. I agree with the majority that your relationship with your gs is much more important than the name but totally understand your feelings, I wouldn’t like to share my most important title with the woman who destroyed my marriage.
However I also feel it’s worth biting your tongue for a wee while and it will resolve itself. Just be the best Nanna you can and the little one will come up with something special.
Just a note in answer to posters who think bereavement, separation and divorce are similar in that they are all loss I disagree. I have friends who have been through one or the other or both and they are quite different. The death of a beloved spouse is a terrible and painful loss but he didn’t choose to leave, he left loving you and left you with good memories. A divorce, especially when he left for someone else is a betrayal, a painful ripping away of your memories and your self esteem.
I am not belittling bereavement in any way but there is a huge difference in my opinion.
Much love to everyone who has suffered painful loss from either.

Just to let you know, all your posts are going to be my bedtime reading. I will read them thoroughly.....I will take something from each and everyone of you. The wisdom, the insight, the comfort, your experiences and even your "chastisements" (which were neither rude nor offensive).
I will keep you posted. Seriously, I doubt I need proffessional counselling after talking to you all xx

I have purposely steered clear of my husband’s grandchildren calling me anything but by my first name. I am not their grandmother.

CrazyH - good on you for opening up about how you feel. I really hope that you find some support and answers amongst all these posts. I share my moniker with great grandma on other side in much nicer circumstances and we have a name tagged on the end.
I feel I should say something re. sons, not just yours, lots of ours. Many are oblivious to this sort of stuff, and would be mortified if they knew/understood how hurtful this is. Smile, gloss over it, and refer to her as Nanna name, it will catch on eventually.

It’s the relationship that matters not what you are called.
That's it in a nutshell.
Don't jeopardise that because of a name.

My grans were both Nanna followed by their names. I’m a Grandma to all my GC. Their other female grands are variously Nanna, Nanny, Gran, Granny, Oma. Male grands are Grandad, Pop, Grandpa. Whatever you are called ffinnochio is right. It’s the relationship that matters not what you are called.

CrazyH I hope you find the strength to go.... Eglantine is spot on...don't let this escalate. The most important thing is to maintain that relationship with your grandson and your children...whatever you are called.

No choice. Was told I would be granny and that was that. I don't see them often three times in three years so not bothered what I get called. My step GC called me a name they made up it was lovely.

I think you should go too, crazyH, go in with a beaming smile and perhaps a tiny present for DGS - 'It's Nanna, darling' and give him a big cuddle and be the best Nanna possible.

But it does depend how you feel.

Yes; I agree with that.

Please don't give it a miss this Sunday CrazhH. You might find that they invite your ex and his wife instead! And then the next Sunday they might say "Well we think we'll give it a miss this Sunday."
This is how family rows and estrangements start.

Staying away won't trouble anybody except yourself (and maybe your grandson). You can't make them feel your pain. You'll look like the unreasonable one I'm afraid.
I don't say this to hurt but to make you think what it might lead to.

Yep
Bereavement is , well like bereavement. Not separation, not divorce, not abandonment.
Unique really.

Madgran, I haven't read through all the posts but I think a lot of posters are phenomenal on here.

It was just that you posts earlier in this thread seemed so different to ones I have seen from you before on other threads!

Regarding bereavement ...yes I agree, it can apply to just about anything that represents loss , really... it can be about so many different things can't it! I sometimes hear people say ..."its like a bereavement" ...it might be referring to what they always thought their life would be like or to retirement ...or to family loss, cut off, the ending of a marriage or whatever. Bereavement is a very particular emotion and very painful

Yes Jalima, she does have GC by a previous marriage, but I don't know what they call her.

Pick what you like best crazyH and suggest the other name for your ex's wife.
Does she have DGC of her own from a previous marriage, I just wondered, if so, what her own DGC call her?

Choose something special for yourself or stick to Nanna if that is what you like best; in fact, my sister is called by two different names by her various DGC, Nana by some and Granny by the others.

postscript- my daughter's teenage children call my ex's wife by her first name - I didn't have to suggest anything. My daughter feels for me and she cannot understand why her brothers don't. As someone here said, it's lack of sensitivity . Divorce is like a bereavement- especially when the circumstances were so cruel. I usually go to this son's house every Sunday afternoon and spend a few hours with them, have dinner etc. But I think I'll give it a miss this Sunday, because the shock is still raw. The family is aware of my feelings, but I suppose nothing can be done. However, I am going to suggest to my son's, that they get the toddlers to call me NannaH or NanH, in order to distinguish us, just in case we are at the same family gathering together. You are all great...Thankyou.

PS Tegan, I work with women from all walks of life. The ones that have deliberately stolen the husband of another woman and wrecked the family have mostly experienced some kind of karma in the end. I write so my job is research and wow, just wow. Some of the stories. There are few winners. Hope you get a better nights sleep. x

Agree Pollyperkins. You need a empathic way of thinking to be able to see that though.

I agree with you Tegan and I think you've spelled it out very clearly that being cheated on and left resulting in a marriage breakdown is a loss that goes through the same bereavement process as any other loss. It leaves wounds and scars.

Madgran, I haven't read through all the posts but I think a lot of posters are phenomenal on here.

When my Sisters' youngest son was little, he called his paternal Grandma 'Nanny Hoover'. He chose the name because his Grandma had one of those Henry Hoovers, the ones with the face on the front which he loved. I thought that this was utterly charming and how lovely to have such a personal term of endearment.

I actually couldn't sleep last night; reading this thread took me back 15 or so years to the break up of my marriage, and memories of the two years or so during which my marriage was falling apart. The thing that stands out in my mind the most is the night that I phoned my ex up to discuss a problem our son was having at Uni; his reply was, I haven't got time to talk now as 'we're' going out, but I'll speak with you tomorrow. The word 'we' when I was sat in an empty house on my own was like a dagger to my heart. I have moved on and I have made a new life for myself, but every now and again something will take me back to that time; last night was one of those times. Divorce is awful; as is bereavement, as is estrangement. We have to cope with it and we have to rise above it but, certainly for me there was a sense of failure and of letting my family down, and that has never gone away.

My dgs calls me Nanna and Christian name and my ex husband Grandad and his Christian name and his new partner by her Christian name and second husband by his Christian name as even though he loves him he is not his granddad. Both sets of original parents have remarried and otherwise the little boy would have 8 grandparents and has 3 great grand parents. I must admit I prefer it our way.

Yes Nina thats what I meant. It was a sudden shock for her. She didnt know until the two tear old said it. Children dont talk much before the age of 2.
I also think some peole misunderstood, thinking the other nanny is Nanny2. I think the child said Ive got two Nannys.
Anyway my point was really that I can understand her being upset - not really about choosing a name -
more about being perceived as equal with this woman who took her husband away.

My ex’s wife is just called by her 1st name as my kids just felt that she is not their Nanny so why call her that. I agree that kids need as much love as possible from everyone, but I must admit that I am glad that I don’t have to share my “ Nanny” title with her. We all like her, there’s no animosity but my 3 all felt that their kids need to know who is who in the family. If I was in that position I def wouldn’t want to tread on anyone’s toes and adopt the Nanny name anyway, when I was not the biological Nanny.

Is nina1959 the same Nina who on another thread has referred to researching estrangement and publishing a book about it?

I was wondering that, the contrast was phenomenal