Turning a blind eye

@MamaCaz Oestrogen works, beautifully!

What happens if your DH decides that he wants to go further with the affair and actually moves out to be with the OW. How will you feel? Will you regret not talking it over? The danger with facing the problems in your marriage and talking to the other important person, is that having brought it out into the open, you may push him to make a decision, are you prepared for that?
This is a very difficult situation..my personal decision was to fight for my DH. I was not prepared to give up no many years of marriage to another woman who, in my case, was younger than our eldest daughter. And fight I did..DH was surprised I fought so hard as he expected me to kick him out and when I did not, he was floored about having to make that decision whether to stay in the marriage or not.
DH has since died of cancer, and in my worst nightmares could not envisage not having been there for him during his fight.
I cannot advise you, but I agree I think seeing a sex therapist may renew your sex drive, and to be honest I get the feeling you are pleased about not having to address that side of your life, and I think therein lies the real problems.
Your choice but I feel you should try to get some libido resurrected, either medically or through therapy, but things cannot just go on as your DH gets more and more deeply involved with the OW.

Mamacaz - how right you are!!

There are times when " lie back and think of England" is a useful mantra and one I used for years rather than risk breaking up my marriage

You've been given some good advice already, but also, some other points of view. Lots to think about.

You don't feel much like sex and you blame the menopause for this. Your husband has a high sex drive.

I don't think I could live like this, menopause or no. ReadyMeals says she'd pretend she hadn't found out. I definitely could not live like that. DH and I have to be honest with each other. It's all part of the 'Trust and Respect' on which he bases our relationship. And what happens to those old marriage vows 'keep thee only unto her so long as ye both shall live'?

I wouldn't be "lying back and thinking of England" or taking Oestrogen supplements. He's cheated and there's no way he'd be back in my bed!!

Yes but what if "her" doesn't want to be kept unto?

Thank you for all you thoughts and suggestions it has been really hard not to be able to talk to anyone about this, my head is spinning. It has really helped to be able to share my thoughts and get your feedback. All of my friends who have discovered their husbands have been having an affair and got a divorce have all ended up financially worse off and then they have resorted to online dating to try to meet someone new, with limited success. The pool of "normal" middle aged men who want to settle down with a new life companion appears to be quite rare, most seem to see it as an opportunity for acting like they are twenty again, having sex without any attempt at building a relationship, except now they have a bald head, fat tummy and man boobs. The thought of having to start dating again or being left on my own at my age is quite scary. Also if I did want to find a new partner they would probably want a physical relationship, and I am back to square one. I don't work so if we got divorced I would be the one worse off financially, even if he gave me a fair settlement now and if this is a mid life crisis and ends in the next couple of years I could of sacrificed a comfortable life for nothing, plus it would devastate my two children. I don't want to acknowledge or be seen to condone his affair as he might think he then has carte blanche to come and go as he pleases. Why should I make it easy for him, at the moment it tends to be only one night a week but not necssarily every week if we are busy. I think I could probably tolerate this as long as it didn't get worse. In a way if he chooses to leave it would be easier as it takes the decision away from me and then I would have to make the best of it. I am so angry and frustrated at the moment all the pros and cons of confronting him are spinning round and round in my head and I am not sleeping but I don't want to rush this I need time to think and process and evaluate what is best for me and my children. I would like to think he would choose to stay with me if I confronted him but I am not sure and the uncertainty is driving me mad.

What was said to the young Victoria in her early years of marriage has been much misquoted. Or if it was ever said, it didn't apply because according to her letters/diaries etc she actually enjoyed her sex life with Albert and it was one of the things she missed when he died.

I could neither 'lie back and think of...' nor could I 'turn a blind eye'. There must be honesty in a relationship or there is nothing. As someone said in a TV series 'whatever you choose to tell me I will believe, so let it be the truth'.

Eglantine21 he would be faithful to me or he'd be out the door. No question. I have lived alone before and could do it again, although I love the warm and trusting relationship that we have and I hope it lasts for many more years.

My DH and I are together precisely because his ex wife and my ex husband denied us intimate and sexual relationships. Both of us walked away eventually as we both found our marriages empty and loveless. My DHs ex asked him to stay but get his physical needs met elsewhere but the whole idea of that was alien to him

Dancing queen, do you think you can happily wave him off and welcome him home from his trysts without it eating you up inside? Where will you draw the line? Twice a week? When they go off for a weekend? When his infidelity becomes public knowledge?

But faithful implies that there's a sex life to be faithful to, doesn't it? You can't be faithful to something that doesn't exist.

I think that's why its helpful to mull over so many different views, when everything is spinning around in your head. For now, you may want to let things lie, but that could change. (or it might not)

Yes, you need time for all those thoughts to stop spinning around in your head. No knee jerk reactions. Be true to yourself and make the decision which is best for you.

Re finances, should you ever get to that: It would seem yours is a long marriage with adult children, so the starting premise would be a 50/50 split of all assets including any pensions. They all go in the marital pot whether you've contributed or not.

Leaving aside all the financial implications etc, its not necessary to be in a relationship to have a happy life. The OP is concerned about finding a new partner, in my opinion its better to be happy alone than miserable in a relationship.

Christinefrance couldn't agree more! Especially as the OP is a person who - as she says - has a low sex drive.

Esspee I have a feeling the OP will know when the line has been crossed because all of a sudden she'll be so angry she just wants him gone, and she won't need to ask our opinion then. I get the feeling she's looking for permission to do something different from what her friends did, and turn a blind eye for the time being. And anyway dancingQueen, if you've only just recently found out, it's probably a jolly good idea to give youself time for it all to sink in before you can think about it calmly enough to even make the best decision.

Have you discussed your lost of sex drive with your doctor maybes low dose of HRT would make a big difference you say your husband has always had an high sex drive presumably you coped with it. I think sex is very important to a relationship.

Mamacaz - yes indeed, I notice no one supported your post and I'm doing that. Also, Oestrogen can cause bleeds and then your doctor will take you off the "magic solution"

Being without a life partner isn't the worst thing that can happen to any of us. Especially one who is being unfaithful. the idea that sexual infidelity can be dismissed as "only sex and he needs it" is daft.

But sex can be just sex. It does not have to mean a caring loving relationship.

Mamacaz - I am feeling your pain, I was prescribed HRT and it improved things greatly and then as Iam64 commented they take you off it again. Oestrogeon is a big no no if you have high blood pressure so I am back to square one but it's more frustrating as I know there is a solution just out of my reach.
My husband is very understanding and we have plenty of cuddles and closeness.
Dancingqueen, please take your time with your decision - it is the rest of YOUR life.

pink peony, I know of more life long relationships where husbands/partners are very understanding and physical affection remains a big part of the relationship even if sex doesn't. Love doesn't fly out the window because health or age issues mean a once happy sex life is no longer available.

Anyway men (notoriously) don't like the hassle of uprooting from their homes. Even when they are in the throws of passion and longing for their new woman, and think they are in love, they typically don't want to take that step of leaving their wives, unless the wife confronts them and makes it untenable to stay at home. I have had friends who found their husbands out having affairs (and one husband multiple times) who report that the period between the affair starting and being found out they got treated the best of all with flowers and chocolates etc

I think I would play a long game. He might tire of this other woman and he probably doesn't want to wreck his home life with you.
You could make life as pleasant at home as possible and at the same time build your own self esteem and attractiveness. Talk to your doctor, try using a vibrator. Try flirting with other men.
Just ideas. Could you seek counselling?
I wonder if your sex life even before the menopause wasn't brilliant. I think a sex therapist is a good idea.