Turning a blind eye

My personal view is that any woman who has reached the menopause should be allowed to stop having sex if they wish without being made to feel guilty. Maybe younger women could perhaps make an effort to get their sex lives back on track if one partner is feeling unsatisfied, but it's completely reasonable that an older woman - or man for that matter - may choose to "retire" from it without it being a valid excuse for the husband to stray and without any feeling that she should try and get her sex drive back unless she wants to. But I still think it's not worth forcing a confrontation unless the affair is making things nasty at home.

A menage a trois is a good idea if it works. The other woman may be not so needy that she would steal your husband away.

If your marriage is good for companionship and so on, your husband is much less likely to abandon you for someone new, even a needy temptress, not at his age, and with the expenses of divorce to consider.

Iam64It's true. When DH and I first got together, 20 years ago now, he warned me that he was almost certainly impotent as a result of Type 2 diabetes. Well, we tried. Various forms of treatment proved ineffective. Over time, surgery on both sides would make it difficult anyway. Only a year ago he came within a whisker of leg amputation. 10 years ago he nearly died from septicaemia - unsuccessful knee replacements. But hey, we're still here, 80+ now both of us, and what do you know, I would ~still~ like to have sex. Or, make love, as I prefer to call it. We have the closest possible relationship, trust, companionship, friendship, physical closeness He reminded me only this morning, he hasn't forgotten where my 'little spot' is and he knows I like it!

BTW his ex became frigid following the menopause, but that wasn't the main or only reason for their split-up. He couldn't tolerate her aggressiveness, control and overspending, so he left. I threw him a lifeline and we have no regrets.

Funny how no one ever suggests in these situations that the partner still wanting sex should seek medication, therapy or councelling to 'cure' them, isn't it? Yet both partners are experiencing something natural. Just saying!

Sorry, I have strayed from the OP.

Sex is not a duty.If one side has tolerated, rather than enjoyed, it will at some point become non existent.
If enjoyed would you not want this to continue short of serious health issues making it impossible ?Which does not appear to be the issue.
Pushing H into someone elses arms ?I would not give up that easily.

@MamaCaz,
Why should anyone with normal sexual needs seek medication? They don't need to be "cured".
Marriage is the joining together of two people. Should one person accept their loss of libido (and in this case the OP seems very content with a sexless life) then the partner who has normal instincts will either put up with it unhappily or find another partner.
If you love someone why would you want to deprive them of the joy of the union that marriage was designed for?

You could have a session at Relate to discuss this with a counsellor. Your husband will not be able to give up sex, an activity which he enjoys and is good for his health.s I suggest you also see your GP who will be able to prescribe an Oestrogeon pessary. Information here
ttps://gpnotebook.co.uk/simplepage.cfm?ID=x20130529132222685340

Emily, there is always the possibility he could take care of his own needs, he doesn't actually have to have a woman to relieve his burdened loins

@ReadyMeals, are you suggesting masturbation should replace natural sexual relations when his wife rejects him?
Frankly I feel that when two people are so disparate in their needs/desires then it is time for both to move on.

Esspee It is not unusual to find behind the disinterested there lurks the unimaginative.

As I said upthread, the person I know who went to relate with her husband was shocked to be told that she needs to accommodate her husband sometimes. Women work on a 'use it or lose it' basis, apparently. The less we have, the less we want, as a rule.
Men, as a rule, work differently.

Well yes Espee, assuming the marriage was satisfactory to him for the many years before they reached their older years (actually I am assuming they're an older couple too, the tone of the OP seemed to imply it) then after many years of happy marriage, yes I do think that it's reasonable that one or both of them might have a reduced interest in sex, and that's just how it goes for a significant number of older people, and if you're not prepared for that then don't get married, just make it clear you're only in it until your partner gets a bit boring or unsexy

If you like it fake it. You can't expect your husband to be celibate because you just are not interested.

Sorry about that it sent before I had finished and it sounded very brusque. I meant can't you just fake it if you want him to be happy, I can't see how a marriage can work if one partner is not happy with things.

Esspee, I was being rather tongue in cheek with the comment you are referring to, but nevertheless, it is common enough for sexual desire and/or the loss of ability to participate on penetrative sex, to diminish or totally disappear for that also to be considered 'normal'.
However, as I said further back, what has really bugged me is the insistance of a number of posters that everything can be cured with a pill or a pessary, or that its all in the mind and suggestions that sufferers should just doing it anyway for the partner's sake- these beliefs show so much ignorace. Similarly, suggestions that perhaps the sex life of sufferers wasn't very good even before the menopause (or whatever the cause) are total and abdolute cr*p.

None of this helps the OP anyway, so I shall bow out of the thread now.

It seems some posters either haven't you read the various coments about women who experience very painful sex or men who have eg type 2 diabetes, or are determined to impose their own view that sex within marriage is an essential component of happy life.

Thanks Iam64 we, like you and your husband, enjoy all the aspects of our union. It would be nice to be able to make love but it is certainly not essential.

@Iam64. I too believe sex within marriage isn't essential and many people, as they get older, are unable to continue their sex lives for a variety of reasons. Some are fixable, some are not.
What causes problems is when one partner has completely different needs and wants to the other.
When my husband had prostate cancer sex was the last thing on my mind. However, had he simply gone off the idea of sex I would have expected him to seek medical help. As long as both partners are content with their relationship then there is no problem. Although referring to the OP's situation I cannot accept that a secret relationship with a third party is an acceptable solution.

More agreement Esspee, relationships are the key aren't they. We are all different and what works in one relationship may not work in another. It's talking honestly and with love about any issue in a life long relationship that helps it stay exactly that, life long and loving.

I agree with Esspee as well. If one partner is ill and unable to have sex does this mean the other partner has carte blanche to look elsewhere, I think not.
Of course there are different reasons for not wanting a sexual relationship but it should not be the only consideration,loving comes in different guises not just sex.

In a long marriage the level of intimacy may fall and the balance of power may be one-sided

Do you older women appreciate that some of us men may enjoy intimacy, even if the kisses and cuddles may not lead to full sex ?

How is the balance of power ? Are you and your partner equal Adults sharing your thoughts, hopes and desires, or is there an imbalance between Parent-Adult-Child ?

Have you nagged him so much that he withdraws from family life and ignores your emotional needs ? Maybe he tries to control you so that you have lost the affection and intimacy between you ?

When these things go wrong it takes time and care to re-build the relationship, and women are probably better at doing this and getting things back on track.

However, you both need to work at your relationship to keep the marriage working well

All your comments gave me the impetus to confront this and we spoke last night and he admitted the relationship. He says he will end it and does want to stay with me and the children, so at least now it is out in the open and so maybe we can go forward. I might suggest counselling as I don't want to carry on being so angry and resentful and bitter if we are going to have a chance we need to be able to move on positively eventually. I think it's just going to be time now.

Well at least he's able to communicate honestly - that's a good basis for working something out. Best wishes for your future, dancingQueen

So glad that you are facing the problem dQ and hopefully will find a way for both of you to be happy.

I hope he is trustworthy as what he says sound good but why didn’t he have that conversation with you before he jumped into someone else’s arms ?

I think if it simply is only the sex thing find a way of pleasuring him (without penetration) even if it does nothing for you for goodness sake it’s only ten minutes (five minutes if you do it right ? half an hour if not ) out of your life every now and then