Cutting and hurtful

Starlily I am very angry on your behalf at the gross nastiness of this utterly disingenuous woman 'joking' about something so deeply upsetting to you. Please do not take whatever she has to say on board. It seems she's a person who has to belittle others to bolster her own self esteem. You don't deserve or need her negativity in your life

You have known her for a long time so just tell her you are fed up with her put downs. She may not realise she has upset you and apologise or she may take offence and not contact you again. Either way it’s a result.

Thank you all for your replies.
I know the advice you have given me is absolutely right, however, and you all know what is coming now, I will go to lunch with her on Tuesday, with our mutual friend and will not say anything.
She is 81 and I am 80, neither of us is going to change, she will continue with her boasting and wasps remarks and I will continue to not rock the boat.
I will only see her on my terms, never on my own and will probably confine it to our 3 birthdays which happen to be spread out, Feb, July and November, I can deal with that.
I like to think had I had been younger and more feisty, I might have spoken up, but I have always liked keeping the peace ( or been cowardly some of you may think).

KatyK your "friend" may not have meant her comment in a degoratory way, only you know what she implied as I don't know her. Peoples aquaintances/friends often change once someone is widowed, sometimes moving in a totally different circle, she may simply mean that she moved in different social circles with her late DH. Sending you a

I would mentally exclude the person from my friends list, and demote them to 'someone I know', an acquaintance.

Just because you’ve known and indulged this person for many years, it doesn’t mean that you have to remain friends. You have a choice here. Personally I would arrange to see her on her own and quietly and calmly tell her how hurtful and thoughtless you found her comments. She will either accept what you say and apologise or she’ll attempt to deny your feelings. That’s when you make your choice. Good luck. It is of little help in life to hear of someone else’s issues but I’ll share with you that I also had a close friend for over 40 years who became increasingly needy. I went to stay with her to help her and she told me, with no sense of guilt that she had informed another mutual friend, who had recently been widowed, that her late husband had had numerous affairs. I was quite shocked by this but then a couple of days later she became extremely aggressive and angry with me, over absolutely nothing and I decided I had had enough and left. Before I got home, she had telephoned
my husband and informed him of something I had told her in confidence several years before, something that could have potentially ended my marriage. I have never seen nor spoken to her since. I think some people are simply nasty and enjoy hurting others.

It depends though, Christinefrance whether or not the remarks are personal and what another friend called 'truly offensive' - especially about one's DC and DGC.

We ought to have a "grave yard" thread where we can post our thoughts about so called friends and declare the friendship over
It could be a good idea tigger except for the fact that it would be on the internet for all to see for ever and a day - and possibly FB too.
I am tempted to write reams about someone, a supposed 'friend' who has upset me for many years and caused a great deal of distress with his cutting remarks. Suffice it to say I think we have finally come to the end of the road which is going to make things very difficult socially but I cannot take any more of his offensive remarks about my family and me any longer.
It is very upsetting, though, and I know how you feel annsixty*.

I think that I would have said I was leaving right there and then as I was thought fed up with her attitude and the way she talked about others.

We do seem to stay in contact with people who are unkind or selfish. I think for some people its the thought of face to face conflict.
I can make cutting remarks and sometimes they just pop into my head so I have learned to bite my tongue to an extent. I find my friends are usually the type of people who can give as good as they get so we have some heated discussions at times.

We ought to have a "grave yard" thread where we can post our thoughts about so called friends and declare the friendship over. Likewise for nasty family members where we can say exactly what we think about them and then at least it's out in the open and hasn't caused any more strife.

sarahhellen I am an idiot. I have always had low (well no) self-esteem and try to be nice and help people. I need to man up but it may be too late!

I thought she was having more of a go at M than at you? She wanted the other friend to know that M, who supposedly is a family member and therefore who would have been more appropriate to go with her, wouldn't go. If that had been my friend I wouldn't have been at all surprised to know that if I was asked to do that for her, it would have been because her family had been asked first and couldn't or wouldn't.

Starlily - that is downright cruel. Some things I can overlook as thoughtless remarks, but I would not want to keep on seeing that person.

There is no possible reason she would want to slight you. She was thinking of HER feelings (just like this thread is all about YOUR feelings) and her foot went well into her mouth! It happens. Not everyone sees their life's work as supporting and placating other people.

I think everyone has faults, and accepting them is part of being a friend, but sometimes lines are crossed, either gradually or suddenly.

katyk .How can you even think about another meeting with a snob like that.?

Annsixty.
Why, on reading your comments ,have you for 40 years 'tolerated' this person a person you refer to as a 'friend'.Do you want a person like this in your life who refers to you as' second choice'. You are being used when it suits her. Just how much do you 'need to be needed'?
Go to the lunch. If she is there not much you can do about it.Any other requirements then let this 'friend' use someone else.

I have a friend who says very hurtful things to people quite often, then says she only said it in fun. Recently I was the one she chose. I have been diagnosed with rhinophyma, and am terribly aware that my nose is changing shape, and very worried in case i end up with a huge red and bumpy nose. This friend recently remarked that I was beginning to turn into an ugly old witch and made matters worse by saying she always knew I was only pretending that I didn't drink alcohol. I was so shocked by her remarks and said so. Her excuse was she was just joking. She couldn't understand why I was hurt.

Personally I would actually ask her why she felt the need to always be so cutting with her remarks. It’s just so unnecessary and not what friends do ...

I obviously meant that I wouldn't ask for a card ( under any circumstances)

I have posted on here before about a friend whose husband died a few years ago. She was not a friend then really, just a colleague but we knew heer DH slightly and went to the funeral. At the funeral I felt so sorry for her and mentioned that if ever she wanted to meet up for a coffee etc to call me. Her husband was a bit of a high flyer and they had a good life and mixed with other so called high flyers. On the death of her DH, most of these people abandoned her. She called me and we started to meet up occasionally. At one of these meet ups she said to me 'I am going out with people now who I would never have dreamt of going out with when DH was alive, no offence. She ehas said a couple of similar things but I'm sure she wouldn't be deliberately hurtful. My DH was fuming when I told him. I still meet her goodness knows why. I always try to put myself in other peoples sshoes but I'm not sure that they would do it for me. You can't change your nature.

I was the product of a abusive parent who would shoot from the hip. One of his choice remarks was ( looking around my beautiful expensive home) 'Well janeayresister you have done well because I thought you were only going to be an unmarried mother'
The abuse went on all my life and ruined the relationship between my sibling and myself because he pitted us against one another. I am consequently a bit tactless and blunt. I try with all my heart not to be and I certainly would ask for a card. I suffer from extreme lack of self esteem and if I get told. I listen to critism and act on it.
So please say something to any friend at the first infringement as people are not always aware that they have done anything. My Father had no idea that we all hated him as he was so mixed up himself and nasty.

I came to the conclusion some time ago that life is too short to waste time on people I really do not like much.
I was not rude to anyone - just stopped seeing them of possible- the only one I can't really dump is my step mother- unfortunately.

I cant stand self centeredness, I had a little episode yesterday with a neighbour, we were standing together in a queue waiting for our number, we talked as usual all about herself, and her plans etc. whatever I said she said the opposite and was quite short, then she didnt speak, in the end I thought "why am I standing here", so I walked back to talk to her husband who was waiting in the background. We visit these neighbours occasionally and I always feel inferior when in her company, she boasts the whole time, doesnt want to know what we do, I feel frustrated we cant tell them about what we do etc, why are people like this always feeling superior.We are both Nurses and have had equal jobs, I think she is really just a bully!