Support for all who are living with estrangement (2)

Has anybody used a private detective? I almost did, when we first became estranged (which lasted for 6 months), but DH said no, it's up to her, and it did feel as though it would be stalking in a way. But I was worried, as she cut us off so abruptly, and mainly just wanted to know she was ok. She has gone off social media altogether and never sends photos. I guess I would just like to see some pictures and know she is ok. I don't know her address though.

Goodmorning all....Smileless, I know you mention your wonderful girls .....are they your neighbours? Whoever they are, I'm so pleased for you both, that they (the girls), bring joy into your lives. All the best...have a lovely day !

I agree Alexa the trouble with one's memories, remembering how things were, brings into sharp focus how things have changed.

Living in the present and planning for the future are for me the only way to survive. As for closure, I don't think that ever truly happens for any of us.

Estrangement from a loved one is terrible to endure even if one blames oneself. Life seems to have nothing to offer. It was only the needs of my dogs that kept me alive when it happened to me. To some extent it is still happening although my ex husband is now deceased. There was never any closure for me. Most of the time I ignore my memories and live in the present, and I submit that this is the best basis for surviving serious estrangement.

Morning ladies. We had a great day yesterday thanks in no small part to our wonderful girls who live next door.

We caught up with DS in Aus. who yet again forget it was Fathers day; he didn't mention it and neither did we. Then our girls turned up with a card and gift for Mr. S.. The 4 of us went for a long walk with our dogs and then they came for a BBQ.

It was a lovely day. Those lovely girls have made a huge contribution to making our house a home.

Happy Fathers Day to all. My DH did hear from the girls but not the boys. My ES doesn’t believe in the holiday and my ESS has had not contact for over theee years. We discussed at dinner my DH writing a last letter. It’s a good idea to offer counseling together but then that’s it. I’m getting stronger.
SmilelessIt IS exhausting at out ages and I don’t think our children think it is. When we stopped sitting for my stepsons children we did so because a baby, a three year old, and two parents in their middle 90’s were too much for us so we stopped sitting weekly. They had two mothers and a paid sitter so we knew they would be ok. My DD has no one so I was sitting for her once a week. We were totally exhausted all the time. Yet no one cared. I think this is what started the silence from ESS.
Anyways it’s hot in the upper 90’s here and we spent the day looking at muscle cars outside in the heat. Going to shower. Sending ?and ?

Sparkly, I quite understand where you are coming from, it you cannot keep trying, eventually you have to say enough is enough. I think in hindsight I should have given up at the beginning, it's just such a shock when it happens, you can't believe it is happening, how much time and tears I wasted. No contact is cruel and manipulative. When I hear of it happening to anyone now my stomach turns over. I cannot see how you can ever come to trust your adult child again more the pity. I just know you don't behave in such a way with anyone, never mind your parents.

Smileless yes I think sometimes it is inevitable, eventually being estranged.

I can see with hindsight that whoever my EstAC’s mother was, my EstDiL would not have wanted to be dealing with her and in her eyes sharing my son.

Luckylegs Yes an EstDS. I meant I used to send him an email monthly saying I loved him but he never answered so in early 2016 I stopped sending him emails.

I did send him a further one email wishing him a Happy 40th but also got no answer.

I have tried believe me!

It’s better for my welfare and health to not try and make contact anymore. I am sure some grans on here will understand.

Happy Father's Day to all kind and loving fathers.....Happy Fathers' Day to all those kind and loving fathers who are estranged from their children, and Happy Father's Day to all those beloved Fathers, like mine, who are no longer with us

Dolcelatte, you and your husband have had a nice surprise at receiving the Fathers Day card..even though you hang by a thread.

A toast to all Fathers who are missing their children today

I'm so pleased for your DH Dolcellategetting that card will have made his day I'm sure.

What you've said about the threads on Mumsnet illustrates what I was thinking after our busy day. It's such a shame that for some, no matter what they do it's not enough or they're doing it wrongly.

Sparkly and Namsnanny it does make you realise that perhaps we do at times see being GP's through rose coloured spectacles and don't consider the 'downside'. I really do believe that having problems with our now ES and his wife were inevitable and things would have eventually come to a head sooner or later.

for all of those kind and loving fathers who for what ever reason wont have received the card they so richly deserve in recognition of all they've done.

Smileless, I am sure that you are right in what you say about it being difficult and exhausting to look after GC.

I am not yet at the GC stage with my semi estranged daughter but, as they live 100s of miles away (they have told me which county but not the address!), I don't suppose I would see them much anyway. But I think I'm ok with that, as I wouldn't want to provide childcare - apart from it being tiring and a huge commitment, it is too much responsibility and can be the source of arguments and resentment, if the threads on Mumsnet are anything to go by. There are threads everyday saying how much the DILs hate their MILs, and complaining how they are not following out their instructions to the letter when looking after the GC. Then there are those who are resentful because the GPs aren't doing enough, dare to have a life of their own etc.

I suppose that if you have already bonded with a GC, it is different, and desperately sad to be cut off from them, but it's all academic for me, at the moment. I suspect that I am trying to persuade myself, in order to be prepared and minimise the pain.

Anyway, on a more positive note, DH received a nice Father's Day card from her yesterday, which has cheered us. She still doesn't answer the phone or text messages, though - not that I send them very often, as I don't want her to feel pressurised, and also it make me feel sad and rejected when she doesn't reply.

Smile less, I feel so sorry for your husband not getting any recognition for the loving father he has been. Fathers are as important as mothers and I hate the fact that so many are sidelined. My son was has always been very demonstrative and never forgot any birthday or anniversary, I know a lot of sons that despite caring very much, do not do cards and it is left to the partner if they have one.
Sparkly, am I right in thinking you are estranged from your son? Yet you sent an e mail saying you are proud of him, if you have his e mail address why not sent him a birthday card via one of the sites, Jackie Lawson for example, or do your own? He certainly shouldn't be proud if leaving his mother out from her only family.
I don't come on here often as I hate thinking of my estrangement, pushed it away, you can't keep living with so much pain all the time. After doing counselling I came to realise that constantly rehashing everything was of absolutely no benefit, it's like picking a scab off a cut or graze continuously, it will never heal. I had a clear conscience fortunately, had tried everything to no avail.
My heart goes out to all those relevantly new to the horror of no contact, so cruel and heartbreaking.

Sounds like a lovely if tiring day Smileless.
But it does shine a light on how things might have been doesn't it?
I mean we have these idealistic ideas of how our lives might be enhanced by our AC and GC but there is a down side as well!!
Perhaps we/I should remember that sometimes.

Have a stress free Sunday

Age!

Smileless2012 that sounds very exhausting, small children without a routine and without parental boundaries would be impossible to help with, at this older energy challenged ago.

It’s the only thing I am sort of thankful for. Imagine having having to do say 2 days childcare a week, maybe out of love for AC who have money challenges ?

Sad Fathers Day tomorrow here in the U.K., I used to send my EstS a card...

Have the best week you can next week, ladies

Afternoon ladies. We've just about recovered from an exhausting day spent with our dear Godson aged 18 months and his brothers 7.5 and 5; mum was with us too, thank goodness.

Lovely boys, the eldest 2 bright and articulate but so disobedient. We spent 10 days with them last your in Florida and they seem to have got worse since then.

Mum is lovely but has no control because she (and their dad) never follow through. "If you do that again ..... I'll take your ..... away". Said over and over again but never acted upon so of course they take no notice of the empty threats.

We could see that as the day went on, she was becoming more and moreat the way the boys were misbehaving. Despite us doing our level best not to react, which we managed despite on a couple of occasions extreme provocation.

It made me realise that there's no way I could help out with child care now, even if I were offered the opportunity to do so. To suddenly be faced with a 6.5 and 2.5. year old, no doubt brought up with the same liberal parenting technique, would be a nightmare.

It must be very difficult for GP's whose GC take no notice, insist on being 'plugged in' even when out for a meal, don't eat a proper meal and then constantly say they're hungry so have to be given snacks and then don't eat the next meal.

I'm 100% sure that we'd have had problems with our ES and his wife if our GC are being raised this way and the initial request from them to help out with child care had gone ahead.

It was a wonderful day (they live abroad so we see very little of them) and when they'd left we collapsed in our chairs, exhausted from constantly repeating ourselves to no avail and enjoyed the peace and quiet we've grown so accustomed too.

No my brother doesn't speak to him Rhinestone. He lives with my mum and they live even nearer to our ES than we used too.

He blocked their telephone number the same time he blocked ours, cut them out when he cut us out.

In our son's case he simply blames us. Has repeated the lies he's told about us so many times that I think he actually believes his lies now.

I'm a firm believer in the truth always coming out in the end, just hope I'm still here when that day dawns.

Sparkly.

Fathers day on Sunday and there wont be anything for Mr. S. DS will forget and of course ES wont bother but neither of us expect anything different now.

Dolcelatte You just solved one of the mysteries. Our EC advise each other to cut off with parents on trivial things. Such a feeling of elitism they must have. Getting ready for Father’s Day this Sunday but don’t expect any communication from our boys. Last year my DH wound up at the hospital so hoping not to repeat that.

Hello Dolcelatte sorry about your situation.

A bad week about estrangement this week, it was my estAC significant birthday last month. I sent him a loving email saying I am glad to have him as my lovely son.

I used to joke lovingly with him when it was his birthday, ‘It’s 14/32 years since you and I first met ***’.

Yes, in the UK, Northern, not having a good day, thanks.

Do so agree with you, Dolcelatte.
Are you in the UK? As you posted very early. If you couldn’t sleep, you have my sympathy.

Welcome, Magicma, this is the place to find positive support.

good to find somewhere to come for support on the bad days - thanks

It's odd Smileless how generosity can sometimes foster resentment instead of gratitude. It sounds as though your son has treated his family very shabbily.

I suppose at least I didn't lose money, but I would rather lose money than lose my daughter.

I just honestly don't understand how children can treat their parents so badly. Surely, at some level, they must miss having them in their lives, or do they just persuade themselves over time that their parents are to blame. I have been lucky to have received a lot of support on Mumsnet, but I have seen so many posters on some threads advise on cutting off their families for entirely trivial reasons. It is so depressing, that I have switched over to GN, which is the other end of the spectrum, where the parents and GP are on the receiving end of all of this unkindness and lack of respect.