sons

From the day they were born I greeted every single sign of independence in my children with delight. You keep your children by teaching them to fly.

I had the wonderful example of my DMiL. DH was a much loved only son, but if, at 16, he had announced he was off to Australia. His mother would have packed his bag and seen him off with a bright smile - and wept after he had gone. The result was she had a loving independent son, who never neglected her.

I hope I have done the same. DS and family live 200 miles away, but we hear from him one way or another almost daily; Facebook, Facebook Messenger, email, phone. In the last few days we have received photos of DGD going to school dressed up for book day, photos of the snow and DGC playing in it. Phone calls to see how we are coping in the snow and news of the secondary school DGD will be going to next year. The distance and his job means we see them school holidays and half term, we go north for half term, they come south in the holidays.

DD is single, does not have children and lives 70 miles awat. She lives alone and works from home. She rings frequently as well as emailing.

Is there a gender difference? I do not know. With one child married with children, and the other not, comparisons are impossible.

As with all things I don't think you can generalise. My parents brought us up and then set us free. I was always in regularly contact even though we lived 200 miles apart. A weekly phone call and maybe a letter was the norm. In turn brought our kids - one of each - to be independent and expected them to leave home at 18 and they did but always kept in regular contact - much easier now with the advent of mobile phones and social media. S actually got married last year on his 40th birthday to a fabulous woman who has already added so much to our family life. She has told him that even if they ever separated she would be keeping the family!

We moved closer to our D &S2, (technically SIL but we see him as a son) when they had children and we had retired. It was there suggestion and it made sense as we wanted to be involved with the grandchildren, offering support when requested but made it very clear that they had no obligations to us. Anyway we see her regularly because of the GC. Recently Son and D2 (see above) have chosen to move to the same town. Don't see them so often as both busy working. GC love having a much loved uncle and auntie close by.

We have never expected anything from 'the kids' apart from occasionally letting us know that they are ok so we are delighted that they choose to spend time with us. We are very aware just how fortunate we are. My mom told me that if we gave them wings and let them fly then they would choose to come back to us. Yet again she was right, as she was in so many things. We note our D &S2 raising their kids in the same fashion.

Although the family lives close we all have our own fulfilling lives and maybe that helps. Anyway, just my experience for what it's worth.

We give our kids their roots, but also their wings .... I have always been close to both my sons ( and daughter) but have a very healthy respect for all their partners, and we joke about certain situations instead of bringing angst into anything. I know that I am lucky, but I have always been so open with them and we can discuss everything. I suppose I tried to rectify what I perceived as where my own Mum went wrong, of course I made my own mistakes along the way, but it’s great to be able to discuss it with humour.

Coconut I could have written your post

Nonnie You have relationships with your children that suit you. Who are we to judge another. It was unprofessional and uncalled for of the coroner to make comparisons. I am sorry for your loss.

AC.... Adult child /children
DS.... Dear son
DC... Dear child / children ,I think
You will get used to it in time .some you just have to guess
Just a few more for you
DGC. Dear grandchildren
DSIL.. Dear son in law or sis in law.

I can empathise with all mums who feel they have been sidelined, and again if we dont give our children independence how will they cope with life. I don't honestly think our children know how we feel at times and it is sad some people have none or very little communication with their grownup children.

I have 3 sons and a daughter, all with busy lives. I brought them all up to be independent. I did think that as a close family while my children were growing up, I might of become the 'hub' of some family presence at least once a week. Hence that never has happened. The kitchen was always our family hub when together and I had visions of having everyone around for Sunday dinner as my brothers and I did with my parents.

I have got used to having very little contact, to having no contact at all at times, especially from the boys. My daughter rings me a couole of times a week to see I am okay. I am very proud of my children and families, and feel they have all moved on in a way that brings happiness to them.

For a long time I felt left out and forgotton. All mine seemed to fly the nest very quickly, now I appreciate my 'me' time and am catching up with work and hobbies etc.

I love all my children to bits, and keep telling myself I must of done a good job as a mum for them to be where they are now.

On the positive front, we do now meet up once a month for a meal and a family catch up and I am happy with my worth.

A sad point is my eldest son brought it upon himself to block the rest of the family out for whatever reason he felt he had. I miss him and my GD very much, lines of communication are open and I hope we can sort something out to heal the rift. We all have to just make the most of what we have as time is precious and some people forget this.

I hope everyone looks back on what memories they have of times with thier children and it fetches some comfort.

I would rather they went than we had that Bates Motel thing going on...........fortunately for me the technology means I hear from my sons and daughter most days, even when it is just a couple of lines.

Pity the parents whose kids emigrated when all they had was the post and the time that took. I remember my uncle ringing us at pound a minute when a pound was a huge sum of money.

We give our children lives to live, how they chooe to live them is their own affair.

Absolutely agree.

Our son and two daughters have formed their own families and their relationship with my wife and I has matured.

We see them and our grandkids every month or so and enjoy a family holiday week together (HomeAway or AirBnB) every two years.

Forgive me for not using those abbreviations. They seem geeky to me and do not aid communication.

Hi lindad186 its Dear Son, Dear Children and Adult children.

Once the children go off to Uni that does seem to break the bond, they have to be independent. My son is married with children and we see him and the family when they are free and chat on the phone and email in between, I wouldn't expect a lot more they all have busy lives thank goodness.

DC= Dear Children. DS= Dear Son. AC=?

I have two daughters, both independent and with partners of their own. We see them when we can. One lives in Norwich, so we only get to see them every few weeks, and the other's in Rochester. I'm not sure there is much difference between how we relate to sons or daughters with this issue, but then as I don't have sons I have no direct experience on which to draw.
I can say that I've had difficulties now and then, in the early days of DD2's first baby (our first grandchild), feeling pain because she didn't contact me more for support or allow me to help or simply be there. She has a disability and I could have done so much to help and support in those early days but my attempts were held at arm's length for the most part. I finally managed to adapt emotionally, boundaries were re-negotiated, and I realised that this was really more of a problem for me so I needed to work on it.
It's been said many times that we bring our children up to be independent and to live their own lives, hopefully with families of their own or in other ways of their choice. I think I'd worry if I was my daughters' 'best friend' but my (and DH's)relationship with both daughters is mutually supportive. Sometimes I feel 'needy' but the feeling passes. It's what my mother used to call 'gnawing through the umbilical cord' - actually a painful process, one which needs more time and work on acceptance, flexibility and adaptation than perhaps we anticipate. Accept your feelings, then - just 'notice' them, without acting on the urge to do something about them. 'Demanding' more from your son would be counterproductive. If you have the sort of relationship where you can talk freely about feelings, I'd recommend initiating that at some stage if you still feel emotional pain...just admitting to finding this stage of life more difficult to negotiate than you imagined, and that it will take time.
Don't be hard on yourself - your feelings are as they are, for now, but they will morph and change over time.

I agree about the abbreviations. I wouldn’t normally refer to my children with the epithet ‘dear’ so why not just S and D? Beats me.
Back to the issues.
It seems that if you still have a spouse that is easier.
It matters enormously if you have an agreeable DIL.
Feel deeply for anyone whose son has died.
Everyone believes they give their children freedom and independence.
Sons often show more clinginess to mothers when young which can lull mothers into false security.
Boys/men like to have a quiet life when it comes to female complications.
There is a gender difference whether by nature or nurture.
Love your sons while you hav3 them. You have done well when they transfer this love to their wives and children.
They don’t imagine for a moment they are not wonderful.

I so agree with M0nica, teach your children to be independent from the cradle.
But if your children are independent, they grab opportunity and often end up many miles away, and you have little involvement in their lives face-to-face. It also ebbs and flows, something changes in their lives and parental contact changes too.

I think you know really, that we as parents encourage our children to be independent..and that’s how it should be. That is the point of parenting-not to hold them close to you for the rest of your life. And yet, of course we want to spend time with them and feel connected to them, and when we see some parents unable to cut that chord, we naturally begin to doubt everything. Feel proud that you’ve brought your son up to be a successful, independent adult as it is in my view, a sign of great parenting. Acknowledge that you will always be there for him, and I’m sure, he for you, if needed, and then go on to enjoy the next stage of your life.

I only hear from my son when he needs money.

Which I should add I am getting very good at saying no!

I also think some GPs have unrealistic ideas about how close they can be to AC. Some will complain because they do not see DC & DGC every week,.

Talking to DDiL's mother, who lives very close to our joint family, she says that now our DGC are getting older sometimes several weeks go by without her seeing any of the family. She is in her mid-80s and doesn't use a computer, but both her children ring her everyday.

Lindad - if you look in Acronyms at the top of the page you’ll see a list of all the shorthand initials and what they mean. I think sometimes they are used a bit too much tbh (to be honest) but they are useful.

My DS with Aspergers is really scared to leave home - we try to encourage him to be independent - I do not want him to be one of those clingy creepy 40-ish men who rely on their mothers, but we know that his father is unlikely to be with us for more than a year or two, and DS sees his job as supporting me with his dad.

You know the saying, if you love somebody set them free... I’m wondering about these sons who still rely in n their mums so much, perhaps they are not fully independent and these mothers don’t tell you how they are hanging on to their adult children for dear life sometimes. Relationships within families are complicated, sometimes delicate, you’re perception may not be the reality. Cherish and love you’re children for who they are and rejoice in their strength and independence, they will always be yours no matter how distant they may seem. You’re a caring loving mum and they know that, I’m sure they love you but show it differtly.

It is difficult to be the mum of married sons but I expected to be the most important person in my husband’s life until we had children. Therefore I expect my boys to feel that about their wives. We are not loved any the less but wives and children must come first with a greater and different kind of love.
My boys are all independent and have busy family lives. We are fortunate enough to live in a holiday area so they like to come and get together with their brothers, luckily we have room for the whole family so we have special occasions here.
We have a family group on WhatsApp so there is daily chat between us, the boys and the wives and girlfriends. We have another group of the same but including all the grandchildren, the one we’re nobody swears!
Grampie thank you for speaking out against the abbreviations, now I feel less obliged to use them.

Where nobody swear

Swears!!

I love casual contact through message apps, and it doesnt take much effort from either party, but I only get that through my DD. I don't think my DS would be so regular in contact, but it is hard to tell as he allowed DIL to control him and disrespect me. It is me he turns to when she disrespects him, so what goes around comes around to a certain extent

A wise person said to me that we bring our children up to be independent and face the world and from their mid teens they are on automatic pilot - if you’ve done a good job mostly they will be ok! I’ve always remembered that but also remember we cannot account for outside influences that affect young people on their life journey. Two of my four children had some wild worrying years but they are now almost staid as they approach middle age!