sons

I have a son and daughter and though they are both living their own lives we phone and chat. My son has a busy life with work and family but we often, well once a month meet up in town for coffee and a sandwich and a catch up before wandering around a few outlandish shops. I love these few hours alone with my son,we will often discuss a problem, sometimes he takes my advice, sometimes not. He is a great help to me with my disabled daughter who lives a chaotic life independently some 53 miles away and is always willing to come over, often with who ever is available to help out with some job. My relationship with my ex dil is stillfairly good, she has mental health problems and a terrible childhood to boot but she does phone me for advice when needed and we get on. On the whole I feel very lucky to have two independent adult children and yet somehow always remain close. It is our job as mothers to bring our children up to become as independent as possible and should feel pride not lose when this happens.

A lot of work has been done over the years encouraging men to get more involved at home with childcare and helping, maybe it is time to extend that to encouraging them to hink of their parents more too. in the same way women seem to think of their parents as I have read on here and then we wouldn't have so many people on Gransnet feeling hurt and excluded. A little thought can go a long way.

Rocknroll5me I’m so sorry you’re going through the worry and anxiety of your aneurysm on your own, and I understand completely why you might wonder why your AC are not more concerned about you. We all need someone in our lives to talk through health worries with and feel cared for and comforted. I rarely share my DHs and my health problems with our AC, or play them down, and then feel quite unreasonably resentful when they don’t ring and enquire. I think we need to TELL our children that we’re coming to or at an age where they need to mind us a bit, otherwise their youth means it just doesn’t occur to them! They think we’re invincible!! Hope your aneurysm stays at a watch and wait size, it’s in my family too

Love means letting go, painful as that may be. A sensitive daughter-in-law may keep a mother/son relationship going up to a point but often the girls are too young and don't understand. Remember that old adage " a son is a son 'til he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life"

Once again I have reason to thank all you ladies out there. Such reports of generous hearts and true Maternal love has been thoroughly moving and somewhat corrective to me in my thinking. I do suck it up but confess to longing to see my children more often than I do. The error of my ways and inner selfishness has been put to shame by the responses here. I do love them to distraction but realise I have been a bit self-centred in my thoughts. What I have read here has made me resolve to do better in my thinking and be grateful for the blessings I have. I'm not that bad but really could do much better. Thanks to all positive contributors here.

Swears!!!

Oops that’s from way back in the thread. Not sure what happened.
Kim19 I’m sure we’re all doing our best but I know I could do better too. We do learn a lot from other gransnetters.

There was no deliberate "letting go" in my case. My two sons just grew up and started living their own lives naturally.
I've always been aware that sons don't want us hanging around their necks. But I see them regularly, by their choice. They come to see me most weeks, or I visit them, or we go out for a meal. I've got a strict rule which I stick to, - no visit ever lasts longer then 2 hours.
I don't think we can "demand" anything from them, but mine seem very fond of me and seem to want to visit me, and to help me when I have problems.
I don't involve myself in their social life, although one son and his wife did take me to see the film Titanic when it first came out, and the other son and his partner took me to Spain for a week after my husband died. But I would never expect to regularly involve myself in their lives.
I think I am very lucky, and I think we have the balance just about right.

I have a son. He and his family live around 20 miles away. We see them fairly often and we're there for them and they are there for us if needed but we certainly don't live in each others pockets.

My DIL, DS and I go to gigs together to see bands we all like because they are happy for me to go. However, that is infrequent and the rest of the time we only see each other in passing as I look after their son twice a week. They leave busy lives and I would not like to put pressure on them to see us more although it would be nice. I think having children makes it harder for them to find the time when they work full-time. It is just the way of things and I find when my DM starts going on about how we never see him (she means herself really) it is irksome to have to defend him. He'd always be there for us if we needed him.

Rocknroll5me

I think you are spot on. My sons live their own lives and touch base regularly (all married/jobs/children)
I do miss them a lot as we were very close indeed but I realise that I brought them up to march to their own drum and I should be pleased that they have fulfilled their dreams and continue to make me a proud mum.

I have two adult sons and they live 300 - 400 miles away and I rarely see them but I know they adore me because I allowed them their independence to live their own lives. We have a family member with three sons who has serious control issues, she insists on being part of her son's lives down to planning where they holiday and what they do at Christmas. It included their partners who finally left them. Her whole life is about "being mum to her boys (organising their lives) " even though they are in their 40s. All three have now moved abroad to work which gives them more independence. Our sons, and our daughters do deserve their own lives, we have to love from a distance.

You can walk away from a partner, you can divorce a husband but you can never 'leave' your children. Even if things go slightly awry in your relationship with them, the love remains, as strong as ever.

Guess the OP is going to find me creepy then …

My one and only child, son, came back home after Uni, a few months later his father (my husband of 23 years) left. DS saw me fall apart and stuck around to make sure I was OK. It’s been 6 years now – we’ve in fact, over different periods in the last 6 years, had 5 of his friends move into the spare room; 1 stayed for two years, some have stayed for just a few months while getting on their feet. Being in London it’s impossible to find somewhere to rent when the earnings for youngsters are usually pretty low. DS has been able to travel as he’s saved money “sharing” with me – he still pays rent, though. He’s planning on moving out next month now, just before his 29th birthday. It’s worked because we’re both pretty laid back, give each other space, respect each other’s privacy and stuff. We go to the theatre on occasion, sometimes with his (now ex) girlfriend or another friend of his. Valentines evening DS invited me out to dinner with one of his workmates, both of them having found themselves single. We’re seeing Hamilton tomorrow evening – I had the tickets, asked if he wanted to go and he said yes. Last weekend he came to a family Mass with me, to support me. He’s an incredibly caring man, he’s got a huge bunch of friends, from school, from his teenage years as a cadet, from Uni, from work, from his sports club.

It works for us, not creepy, honest. We’re good friends and we look out for each other.

Rocknroll5me I wonder if my sister’s relationship with her son is the sort of thing you were getting at. He is 37 years old. Has had various girlfriends but never for long. He lives on the other side of the world but comes back to see his mum twice a year, he then pays for her to go to him in between. They go off on holiday and share a twin bedroom, my sons would say eeeoooo if I suggested this. He sends her little gifts like wall hangings about being there for each other, the sort of things a boy might send to a girlfriend. He sends her flowers at least once a month, the accompanying cards border on the romantic.
My sister brags about how close they are but personally I find it unnatural.
Am I jealous, hell no. It’s very odd.

I was reading through these posts and noticed that one or two of our posters have lost their sons through death.....please accept my heartfelt sympathies.....how awful that must be. While there's life, there's hope....so, all GNs keep that hope alive and think of our friends who have experienced that final loss ...? and hugs xx

Peardrop50

That is seriously weird. Summat not right there.

Peardrop.....very odd indeed. My friend and her son are very close, they go shopping together etc, meals out just the two of them and my sons think that's odd, but your sister's relationship with her son is definitely odd ??

Didn't have a son but have loved having a grandson ...

Coming from a family of mainly girls and women we recognised many sons seem to become distant from their own families once they get married / shacked up...

When our grandchildren became young teenagers .. husband and i made a conscious effort that we would be as kissy and huggy with grandson as with grandaughters...
whether they liked it or not... !! They "put up" with us ... !!

Paid off in spades...

We now have a proper grown up and loving relationship with all grandchildren and their partners...

Really believe you have to make a conscious effort in your relationship with grandchildren not just grandsons ... early in teens... worked for us... xx

My eldest son had lots of issues with anxiety and identity in his teens (he came out as gay at 16) and it is only now 10 years later that he is feeling more at ease with himself. Although he holds down a very good job and is financially independent, he has had anxieties about social situations/travel etc. Unfortunately my husband died six years ago so that male input isn't there. However, hours of therapy later, he could now be persuaded to go away for a weekend with his mother and we were planning on going to a gig. So I say, everyone's relationships with their sons can be different and it 's not always down to daughter in laws etc, but can be down to deeper issues. So for me the opportunity to go away for a weekend/to a gig with my 26 year old son is a miracle because it shows how far he has come. Social media is also a godsend because I can chat to him easily and quickly!

nice. i am working towards your attitude.

Interestingly, if either of my sons and I had occasion to spend a night in an independent outlet, we would automatically select a twin room. En suite obviously so there's no question of lack of personal space. We feel we would miss so much chat and company otherwise. I confess to not understanding the horror some (usually children?) suggest at this arrangement. Another learning curve........

Thanks maimeo, The aneurysm is very weird. Because there are no symptoms and the last people that want to know are my immediate family because it is genetic 50% chance.!
I have had letters from the hospital to give to nearest kin for them to get scanned but I don’t think they want to know. So it is complex. My daughter is totally with me on it, goes to cardiologist with me and I see her most days. She doesn’ t have children. My son does. So I can see why they are in denial. This is all new news btw not many people know.
And londonmzfitz I think your son sounds great and not creepy. And peardrop yes I think we know when that relationship has gone over the normal bounds. I suppose I just wish that those mothers would invest more time with their peers and friends. Everyone’s different as we know but separation in some way or another does seem to be necessary. And crazy h I agree with you over the massive sympathy to those who have lost their sons. I nearly did when mine was 15 of septicaemia it happened so quick from a scratch on his elbow I thought I would be struck off my doctors list by keep taking him and then ringing emergency doctors at midnight, I still shudder over how close it was he was in an isolation ward that night no ambulance so I drove him. He’s 46 now and he’s still alive. I’m lucky.

No sons so I can't comment on that, but had the best of in-laws who treated me like their own. I still love and miss them and think of them often.
I think my Mil was grateful that I had persuaded her son to settle down, and never interfered, only helped.
We are close to our DDs and SiLs, and if the latter think I'm an interfering old bat they conceal it well.

I live a few hundred miles and across the Irish sea from my son. He has a wife and son now and we miss being more part of their lives, but I must say from reading some of these posts we are very lucky! He skypes us at least twice a week and we are part of two online thingies - What's App and Lifecake, which means we get messages, videos and photos 2 or 3 times a week. The relationship has not been without it's problems. We did struggle a bit with my daughter in laws behaviour as she was brought up in a very different family from ours ( who are not at all close) and I think she saw us as a threat. Now, however, and especially since the wee one was born we get on really well .