I feel I am living in a prison

How did he manage when you went away on business? I wonder if he was looking forward to not being apart so much now that you're both retired. It's obvious that you need more 'space' than he does and I'm not surprised you find it irritating.
I'm concerned too that it may be the beginning of dementia or hopefully simply different needs. Either way you need to talk though it seems that you've tried that and it didn't work. You have my sympathy. This suggestion isn't meant to sound trivial but what about a shed? It could either be a 'she-shed' or a 'man-cave' and could at least provide a separate space for you.

I feel that this message is for you:

Oneness! What a devine privilege to have your spouse want to be so actively apart of your life. For both of you, your years are numbered. Leaf your ego behind and with a grateful heart be thankful to share these last years together.

*leave

I dont have personal experience of this sort of behaviour, but I have seen something similar with close friends. My perception is that the husband is bored and somewhat anxious about declining into old age. When he was working his time was structured for him by the demands of the job, but now he cant find things to do that are meaningful for him, or the self-motivation to do them. At work he had job tasks to complete each week, the encouragement of work colleagues and an order to his life. Now there is a blank space where he reads the paper and watches daytime TV, or tags along with his wife to help carry the shopping she can perfectly well carry herself, as if he is looking for a role in life again. Maybe your OH needs encouragement to take up some hobbies, or even get involved with volunteering. The do-it web site has lots of opportunities to do something useful and meet other people.

I’m a divorcee and don’t think you’re being selfish. I agree with others that you need your own space but also that maybe you should try and find the underlying reason why this is happening! Cancelling his own plans to join with you is strange and in a way a threat. I don’t think going out without telling him will help because if it’s stress related it will make things worse. Does he have friends that you could talk to? Every sympathy for you. Keep us posted.

Tuppence21, you aren't paranoid love, but he is! As said above if this is a quite sudden change in behaviour, then there may be something underlying, especially if it does turn into a row every time.

Have a read of this and see if anything rings a bell, and maybe make an appointment with your GP - late onset paranoia can also indicate a mood disorder especially if there has been a big change in his life ...

I hope you manage to get it sorted, it sounds awful for you x

www.alzheimers.org.uk/info/20071/diagnosis/95/assessment_process_and_tests

I feel your pain Tuppence21. My oh is similarly dependent on me since we retired. We’ve had all sorts of rows about it. I compromise by making sure we do some things together, but I make sure I go out on my own too. I joined a couple of groups- creative writing which he’s not interested in and the WI which he’s not eligible for, so at least I get to go to those on my own.
I have a monthly hospital visit for treatment. It only takes about an hour, but I told him it was most of the day, so I get to escape on my own.
I’ve lost respect for him, it seems so pathetic.

I’m thinkingvhe has anxiety about his health and maybe staying alone. Could you get him one of those personal alarms that you wear on your neck or wrist?

Hi please don't let this situation continue, it sounds as if for whatever reason your OH is feeling insecure. If there is a reason for this such as his health it needs addressing.
If there is no reason then a life of walking on eggshells is awful. I was in a similar situation and gave in for the sake of peace in the house, as at that time sons were young.
It truly was like being in prison, anxiety every day. I have been a widow now for years and yes it is lonely, but I wouldn't want to go back to that situation.
Please do talk to him and try to resolve this before resentment sets in. I wish you success.

Sounds like maybe he's in the initial stages of some sort of dementia. It's bizarre behaviour especially if it's relatively new. As a previous post said, I'm not any mental health expert, but you need to get him a doctor's appointment and get it investigated. There is all sorts of help and support available if necessary.

I agree with you Chinesecrested.

It sounds like you are getting the balance of home and out and about right but perhaps due to health or possibly like many men with no hobbies he is bored and lonely at times, he has plenty of time to think about what could happen and this is the only way he feels he can keep control of his life. A good talk sounds in order and maybe if he is well enough some suggestions of what he could go and do while you are out. I hope very much it isn't anything else.

I have experienced this type of behaviour with my SiL (just 47 years old) and yes, he did come to the hairdresser with my DD and I. It was extreme anxiety and fear of being alone.

Encourage him to see the GP, although it probably won't be easy as he may not think it's a problem. It took my SiL to actually breakdown before he would see the doctor.

Good luck with it all.

Hmm ? I had a friend with a husband just like this. It used to reduce her to tears and ruined any outings that I arranged with her. He was very controlling and in the end even their own daughters refused to visit.
I doubt your husband will change and you can only put it to him in the strongest terms, that, much as you enjoy your outings with him, you also need to have time on your own with your friends and siblings WITHOUT having a Spanish Inquisition after the event.
If he, as you've already mentioned, goes off on one, then you need to tell him that the alternative is that you leave prison for the free world.
Tell him thst there is no compromise and he has a week to make up his mind. After that time you will start the separation process, because the situation as it stands is making you upset and wearing you down, not the best way to spend your retirement.
I wish you all the best in finding a happy solution.

Hey luckygirl I am in exactly the same situation as you, my OH diesn’t want to do anything or go anywhere and while she us happy for me to go out on my own I would sometimes like her to join me, notva hoe! Frustrating isn’t it? You get married, and I have been married a good long time, and when you retire want to do things but then she, in my case, can’t be arsed. Deeply irritating. Almost makes one try to make new friends just to share time with but that makes me feel a but guilty. Don’t think I shall win this one.

I do think men feel lost once they retire. Many are in what they consider to be the woman's domain, they no longer have work colleagues to chat to and seem to have no purpose. They seem to lack the ability to start new hobbies, make new friends or plan activities for themselves that don't involve their wife or partner. No OH is currently at home & is absolutely driving me nuts. Wants my attention every bit of the day & hates it if I go out on my own. I'm sorry chaps, but get a life of your own!

Your husbands behaviour is not normal and is as you say an imprisonment.

If he fails to change his behaviour I think you will need to separate and divorce.

I do not think you can help him to review his issues and behaviour without the help of a therapist. I suggest you talk to relate.
www.relate.org.uk/

make an appointment. They always have a waiting list. When it comes up advise that you are going. His response will be very interesting will he say he is coming with you or will he not?

You go regardless.

Good luck

It sounds as if your husband may benefit from having a chat with a professional. He was happy enough on his own when you were away working and therefore not being able to cope alone now could be a sign of an underlying problem/fear.

I do feel for you & this needs to be sorted out before you actually crack Tuppence21. My DH had Depression which meant that at times he wouldn't leave the house. I took Early Retirement soon after he Retired. Although he was frustrating to live with at times at least he didn't stop me from doing what I wanted.

I would be very concerned that your H wants to cancel his arrangements to go along with & wants to accompany you everywhere. My suggestion is arrange a visit to your GP on your own, if he insists in coming along that me be a good way of getting him to see the GP. I had a really good relationship with our GP which helped.

My DH health worsened & as we had moved we were with a new GP Practice, I couldn't get him to go to GP & she refused to come out to see him. Eventually my DH ended up in Hospital as he became so ill. I am now a widow but I don't find your comments selfish. This behaviour will either impact on your health or result in the breakdown of your relationship

Could he be ill? ...

even so tactics for dealing with the situation could include ... sitting down and talking about it in a pretty blunt but friendly/ jokey way... apropos of nothing ... a "bye the way" sort of conversation

then start to say laughingly "no i'm going out on my own"... but it's the NO bit that needs working on...
get some phrases in your mind so you can trot them out readily... and then go out... drive away ... and expect but don't respond to a guilt trip when you come home...

I was in a similar situation but with discussion and humour we have come to accommodate each others needs... and tbh he has recognised most of my points...

now it is entirely natural ... no sulking ... that we do more things together now we are retired but still with our own separate lives and interests...

didn't take long... just get it out in the open ... good luck ...

You must be a fairly confident and assertive person Tuppence to hold down the type of job that you describe, so assert yourself in response to your husband's demands.
A frank discussion, like others have suggested a visit to your GP, and then decide on your future plans.
It may well go pear shaped, but you are really unhappy with things as they are at the moment and you are going to do something positive about it.
Are your children aware of your situation?
Best wishes.

This sounds like severe anxiety if he hasn't been a controlling person in the past. He could be having panic attacks or other excessive fears over his health for some reason & is frightened of being alone. Retirement brings on different kinds of mental health issues with some people (especially men) & you need advice & support in this.
I had to deal with a less extreme case of this and in the end I just plucked up courage & refused to go along with the demands, because I couldn't stand it any longer. In my case I wished I'd done it sooner, as he grumpily accepted it & all I have to deal with now is a degree of sulking now & again.

My husband's parents lived like that, went everywhere together, even to just go and put a card in the mail. He went with her to the hairdressers, she went with him to every doctor's appointment etc. You could say I was warned, and I took advantage of knowing this. I took the precaution of telling my husband long before he retired I wasn't having any of that. We do a lot together, but we still do our own stuff too. I go to my weekly drawing-class, visit a friend, do the regular shopping etc., he likes to browse graphic novels in a specialised shop or spend time upstairs in his study writing. It works for us.

sounds to me like there is something of a deeper psychological order going on here.

My husband had a heart attack about 4 years ago and he has become much more anxious, less tolerant and easily rattled when there is any uncertainty in his life.
I think your husband is in someway anxious and has lost his confidence.
He needs to see a doctor.

He is controlling with your time, how about other areas of your life. For instances how is he with finance etc.? If he has always been controlling on other areas of your life then this could just be an extension and if that is the case it amounts to abuse.