I feel I am living in a prison

message EmilyHarburn Fri 23-Mar-18 11:14:58
Your husbands behaviour is not normal and is as you say an imprisonment.
If he fails to change his behaviour I think you will need to separate and divorce

For heavens sake, Emily Harburn!
Another piece of LTB (lose the bastard) advice???

What happened to constancy, loyalty, “in sickness and in health, for better for worse” etc? Trying to find the cause of the problem? Enlisting the help of your adult children -are they in fact aware of the situation?
If your OH goes out to things without you - who does he go with? Could you not coordinate your times when you want to be on your own with those?
When my FIL knew he was terminally ill and had perhaps not many months left I remember him taking his newspaper into the kitchen where my MIL was ironing one day. One of our DDs asked why and his response was “I love your Granny very much and dont want to waste a moment that I could spend with her”
Goodness - what I wouldn’t give to have Paw come with me to the supermarket, or out to the pub for lunch.
As somebody said, Be careful what you wish for.

Yes, I would be worried about a mental health problem, or early dementia. Your post makes it sound as if this is a significant change in behaviour.
Having read through the advice above, do you think this is an expectation you have to manage, or is it a sign of something more serious? If the latter:
Do you have a close trusted friend or family member you can talk to seriously?

I thought that was harsh too Maw . If this is indeed a significant change of behaviour from your husband then it needs investigation. If its him feeling insecure then you need to address that, I had a similar situation and there was no easy solution, we disagreed, had rows and so on until we reached a compromise which suited us both. Sometimes there is no avoiding confrontation even if its unpleasant.

make a stand, he's a control freak, dont let him rule your life

I think there is a lot of harshness directed at this poor man who could have, as yet undiagnosed, medical issues.

Have you tried a large calendar? Put all your activities on there and tell him he needs to occupy himself at these times. You did not retire to become an activities coordinator for him.

Try to have a discussion rather than a confrontation. Firstly you haven’t mentioned if there are any places/people HE would like to visit. Asking him could be a good opener for a conversation. Ask him if he has any health worries. If he has He may be genuinely frightened to be alone. If that’s the case go with him to the Doctors. Also consider this could be early onset dementia. Anxiety and paranoia ( the inquisition you get when you’ve e been out on your own). Think about whether his behaviour has changed at all. If that’s all clear, suggest you have shared outings and time to yourselves. I think you should be honest without being angry. Tell him his behaviour is oppressive and while you really do enjoy his company you need time to go out on your own. Also please tell him how you feel about your mum. Tell him it means a lot to you to be able to spend time alone with her at her time of life. Explain that you are becoming resentful and it WILL harm your marriage. Xxxx

hi Tuppence, I am so sorry to read your message, I went through the same thing last year, I can really recommend relate (it's not just for those starting out) your lives have changed hugely, I actually believe that retirement is the biggest change in a relationship and it sounds like your husband is perhaps feeling a bit insecure and lost. But my main message is - do not give up, your independence is worth fighting for and what makes you you not just Mrs Tuppence, Mum, Granny and all the other roles you no doubt fulfil for other people. It didn't go well for us, our relationship ended after 41 years but I'm surviving and single at 60, I still can't quite believe it, it is a bit scary but when I was asked the question "why do you not deserve to be happy?" I couldn't actually think of a reason, we all deserve happiness and peace - bickering can escalate. So ask yourself the question - perhaps you are happy deep down. Well that's my experience I hope it helps. Good luck

I was in a similar situation except that my husband took control of all the pensions and I had literally no money unless I asked. I had cards but then had to explain the items on them. We had moved house and I didn’t know anyone. It was all down to jealousy he didn’t want me to have anyone except him. One day I got a job in a charity shop so I had different company and year by year it’s got better but it’s an awful way to live. Make him talk to you about it even if he refuses. Good luck.

Sorry to hear this ...same here ...husband began to change dramatically over the last few years ...we both lead fairly independent lives together, as it were ....now he doesn't want me to go out without him ....I was in hospital last week as I suffered kidney stones (ouch !) all the time he was on the phone ....when are you coming home ? what time will you be here ? ..I of course had no idea it was up to the surgeon ......then he got our friends to call the hospital as he said he was worried about me .....then he called me as said 'When are you getting home, .......(wait for it ... can we go shopping I have run out of lager '.....no sympathy, empathy or understanding ,,,,arrived home got out of the ambulance ....he is waiting for me with a shopping list ...all I wanted to do was get a cup of tea and a five minute lie down ....instead, I put my coat down and got the car keys (he cannot drive any longer !) ....but I wonder as others have said, if it might be an idea to go to the doctors (you could write a letter prior to the appt) as if he accompanies you everywhere, the doc can see him !....my husband's behaviour changed and he was diagnosed with lewy body dementia and subsequently Parkinson's disease ....which is NOT as people assume, just shaking but affects the sufferer mentally as well. It has got to the point that if I didn't feel guilty to be honest I would leave I have had enough of the abuse and nastiness .....and this could go on for years ! I recently had to go to the UK to arrange my brother's funeral and sort out all the legalities of his house , Probate etc etc .....my husband refused to go into respite care for the 3 weeks I was away and my lovely neighbours were looking in two or three times a day .....but it is not their responsibility ! He refuses to have a carer in, either and if I have to go back to sort out signings, etc, then I am tempted simply just to go .......and not come back ! PLEASE do try to get him to the doctor by any means you can ...sounds like a personality change could be because of illness...................best of luck !

When some friends of mine retired there was a bit of this going on. Eventually they came to an agreement that up until 5pm they would treat each day like a working day. Appointments written on the calendar, the occasional lunch together or other things but no questions asked about how each of them would spend their day. It worked well for them and each of them had independence and space.

My friend popped in to see me a few weeks back, and the whole of her visit was dominated by her partner phoning every 20 mins or so.
The thing is, he is only like this when he isn't working, and he is a reasonable sort of chap ordinarily.
Still, it got my hackles up a bit, and embarrassed her.

Violette my sympathies for the kidney stones, I have had them, the worst pain ever.

Sorry I can't comment on the OP. I would probably just go out the door with a cheery "I'm out now for an hour, see ya laters" (but then I've never been in that situation, I suspect when I go out my husband is very happy to have the house to himself for a bit).

I think Violette is describing a very sad situation for her OH. To have Parkinson’s and Dementia is tragic and no way could he be left on his own. That is not consciously controllling behaviour, not can he be blamed for something out with his control. You have my sympathy, but to even consider walking out and not coming back?
I just can’t see that
Why do we assume OP’s OH’s behaviour displays a controlling personality or should be grounds for divorce. Poor man, what if it was the other way round and OP had written in to say she had lost all self confidence and could not bear to be left alone?
I would hope we would show a little (a lot) more understanding.

I am stunned by how many go straight to advising the separate/leave him/ option!!!!

Given that your husband did not mind you being abroad for long periods it is unlikely that he thinks you are up to something when you try to go out without him. Therefore, you might try telling him that you miss 'organisational' life and that you are thinking about taking up some voluntary role in a nearby organisation. See whether he responds differently to that suggestion than to one which is tied up with going out for your pleasure. It seems that he thinks if you are having pleasure it should be with him. You could also encourage him to take up some voluntary position, that keeps him busy when you are not - that way you might get more 'free' time. One thing's for certain though, you can't go on like you are - you will come to resent him and your retirement plans and enjoyment will crumble.

Like some other contributors, I am of the view that this is an illness. The behaviour is way beyond reasonable. It is either an anxiety disorder or something more global developing. Time for some very straight talking and getting him to the doctor for evaluation (which might mean issuing an ultimatum). I hope that it is not dementia, but as Violette's story shows, this kind of anxiety and obsessiveness can be an early sign. Dementia has over 100 forms, so don't just think of memory problems. My late husband still had excellent memory and verbal skills way into his illness. I had to issue an ultimatum, "It's either we go to the doctor together tomorrow, or I visit a solicitor", (I wouldn't have done the latter, but I'd had several years of attempting to persuade him by rational argument). Part of the problem is that the person cannot see that their behaviour is unreasonable or irrational. Make sure you DO get out on your own and take care of yourself. If you get ill, it won't help your OH. Good luck!

For many years I held a responsible job which took me all over the world and meant I was away for up to two weeks at a time. This was mainly after my children had grown up and left home. My husband who had to take early retirement for health reasons did not mind this and we had a comfortable lifestyle.
Reading over the first part of your post you were away working abroad for many years albeit two weeks at a time but I wonder if added up, how many years in total were you away from your husband. You quote that he said that he didn't mind you doing this. I wonder if he did really mind but didn't say or show it. When he took early retirement, as you say for health reasons I'm sure that he would have missed you being at home with him at the end of the day and at the weekends, your children had left home, maybe he felt lonely as well as being unwell. Then after many years you retired and I don't mean to offend when I say this but a 'part time' marriage and companionship became a 'full time marriage' again and that's where I think that now he has his wife every hour of every day, he wants to make up for so much lost time. He desires to spend the years that you both have left. Many I hope. But, and it's a BIG but, if that is the reason for his possessive behavior, then you do need to have a really good talk to him. Perhaps in his mind he thinks that you will go away again. Give him reassurance that you will be having some 'me 'time and visiting friends etc and you will be home at a certain time and that there will also be together times. Good luck.

Men seem to get a bit like this as they age. My DH would not countenance me going shopping on my own and, though I made it clear it was going to be a part of my daily walk, tagged along and tried to get the walk ditched.

"Men seem to get a bit like this as they age." SOME men, please Lilyflower (and who knows, maybe some women?). Don't tar us all with the same brush.

Reading some of these posts makes me so, so, glad to be single.

I'm in hospital at present and rather immobile.
I'm very pleased to have the company of my husband to help me perform simple tasks. He regards it as his simple duty to help me after the vow's we took and I LOVE having him with me....he's My Rock and I Love him Dearly.

I love the time we spend together even though sometimes we we just sit together in silence.

Maybe we're just fortunate as we're "second time rounders" and VALUE each other a great deal.

I hope everyone learns to feel the same and learns to value our "men-folk" no matter how they act or behave. We women can be a pain in the.....at times too don't forget ! LOL

God Bless us all.

GRUMPPA ....I just noticed your post
and it would appear we may be on the same wavelengh.
After all.....we are all made the same...whether male or female.
Good Luck Tuppence 21 in your Retirement.

Him, "where are you going"
You, "to a counselling appointment - do you want to come?"

You win either way. Make a counselling appointment today - it may be only you that goes but perhaps he will go too, all the better.
Help from "outside" is indicated.

Bez1989, the togetherness you describe is very different to the obsessive constant surveillance that Tuppence describes. Her DH's behaviour is close to the level of oppressive emotional and psychological control that is now considered a crime.

The difference is that there seems to have been a sudden change in her husband's behaviour as he was never like this before and, sadly, as someone gets older this can often be a sign of mental deterioration.

I also think your view is being seen through the narrow letterbox labelled 'this is how we are, anyone who isn't doesn't care enough'. You do not possess the moral high ground. Very happy relationships work on all kinds of levels because people are all so different. I am delighted that at last you found someone with whom you could have such a happy relationship but there are millions of couples who have entirely different relationships, including ones that are the antithesis of yours, yet they love and care for each other every bit as much as you and your DH do.