Driving at speed.

I feel for you. My husband can be an aggressive driver. He did improve for a while following a course he had to go on after he was caught speeding but I think he is almost back to his old ways. I offer to drive on most occasions nowadays as I cannot bear the distress of it all; maybe I am a control freak but at least I’m a safe one. I wonder if they enjoy frightening us?

It's amazing how many cars whizz past us when we're doing 70 mph on the motorway.

He isn't a slow driver but gets annoyed if someone tailgates him and will often pull into a side turning if there is one to let them go past.

I wouldn't worry about commenting - HE is breaking the law ! There's a speed LIMIT for a reason and no matter how clear and quiet the road its wrong to do so!

You can be quiet and die when he kills you both by his late reactions or you can speak up . Worse - how will you feel if he kills someone else ?

Personally - if I felt Grampy wasn't driving safely Id be doing the driving .

How come, every time I look at this thread, I get a GN pop-up telling me How to keep love alive in later life

It isn't by speeding that's for sure.

I take it you have your own car, OP? So when you go out together, could you not say that you go in your car, and you will drive? I appreciate that he might well kick off, but if it were me I think I'd let him, and ignore, in the same way that we (try to) ignore toddlers having tantrums.

FWIW, Dh was caught exceeding a speed limit by quite a bit a few years ago, though to be quite fair to him there were no signs of the limit anywhere - we checked more than once and the court officials admitted it. He had to go to court and was seriously worried about losing his licence. Instead there were points and a hefty fine. He is exceptionally careful now.
Your Dh is risking the same.

I know he thinks it is ok to exceed the limit
The only time is is OK to exceed the speed limit is to get out of trouble, eg momentarily in the overtaking lane of a motorway.

The two outer lanes are for overtaking only - but that rule seems to have gone by the board these days.

Your husband is a dangerous driver who is also being very selfish. He is not considering your safety or other road users. In the law of averages he stands to come unstuck one day. No driver should need to be warned about speed detectors there are plenty of road signs to inform them. It’s no wonder he has an heart condition if he dashes from A to B all the time he needs to slow down.

Oh Cabbie21 your husband sounds as though he's a danger to himself and others using the roads, and from how you say he responds to justified criticism at one level he is aware of this but can't admit it. Your description of his driving made me cringe. Others have suggested that he has his driving assessed and this is a very good idea along with his eyesight tested as well. I suggest that you use google to find the nearest RoSPA driving club to you (they are the organisation which did 100 Year Old Driving School on TV) They are a voluntary organisation and use the same police manual as I.A.M and you take the same test - and they are far cheaper with a social element as well. You could then say you are going along to see what it's about and ask him if he wants to come along.
I joined my local club because I although I love driving I was worried that over many years driving I had picked up bad habits and wanted to avoid any reluctance from my daughter and son-in-law that I was not safe to drive my granddaughter about. You do not mention grandchildren, but does he drive them to places - if so maybe their parents could also express concern.
I have passed my advanced driving test, learnt many useful things along the way and continue to enjoy my driving.
But it is very difficult to be a passenger with a driver who does not see or understand risks!

I have been on two speed awareness courses both for doing 36 mph in a 30 mile limit. I thought the second one was a 50 mph limit as I was approaching a sign which said 50. So now I am very careful. We have 40, changing to 30, changing to 20, and then back to 30, all within a few yards, so it's very confusing and I feel very aggrieved when people sit on my tail or pass me over the limit. Why do they not get caught? I need a notice saying "I have done a Speed Awareness Course. Have you?"

Cabbie21 I feel for you as my DH is just the same! Even having received a ban for accumulating the max points hasn't stopped him. 3 years ago we had a fairly serious accident in a sports car he owns - we came over the brow of a hill at speed (on a quiet back road) to find two cars stopped to allow a herd of cows to cross to be milked! Braking caused the car to snake and we ended up rolling at least twice and ending up on the roof in a field. We were saved by the four-point seat belts and a roll cage the car has. I am admittedly more nervous now but it makes no odds, he's convinced of his superior skill and still drives fast and does exactly what your DH does - brakes late, gets cross with other drivers etc.

What to do? I don't know!

My husband was the same, going a little too fast and leaving it to the last minute to brake. One day the car in front signalled a right turn, and stopped to wait for a clear passage. We managed to stop, with inches to spare, but the car behind rammed into us because his brake lights were so late coming on. Luckily no-one was hurt. Obviously the car behind us was also travelling too fast and too close, but my husband finally learned his lesson and became a better, and more cautious driver. I hope it doesn't take an accident to teach yours to slow down.

I think Paul McCartney's ex wife, whatever her name is, might have a different view on police chases being safe.

This is mainly a male/female matter. Hormones are at play. Testosterone is the underlying driver. Then there is the difference between being in the driving seat, and therefore in charge of the vehicle, or a passenger (male or female) and whether a driver or not. The view from the passenger angle is different to that of the driver.

As we are all different and the circumstances are never the same then arguing is only going to increase the tension, particularly within a vehicle on the move. But some discussion in a period of calm is essential.

Why does this happen? Mostly because our modern cars are capable of speeds well above any limit and indeed some engines even appear to settle down (or have a sweet spot) at higher speeds. This may be compared to climbing Everest, say, for which any query as to why is usually met with because it is there.

When our first motorways were opened many vehicles broke down simply because they were incapable of maintaining a high speed. I can remember travelling in cars at 50mph and feeling the whole structure protesting. Fortunately cars of today are stronger, safer, reliable (provided they are appropriately serviced) and built to maintain high speeds.

Speed is not the problem; it is the driver who cannot handle speed that causes problems. Watch programmes where police drivers have to chase other vehicles and you will see that they can handle speeds well above 100mph and their cars have top speeds of 150mph. They are trained to do so. With such training most other drivers would be capable of doing the same, but that does not mean they should automatically be allowed to do so.

I enjoy driving and always have; yet I have to admit that such enjoyment is much lessened by the amount of traffic encountered (and the state of so many of our roads). For that reason I tend to take lesser used routes even though my journey will be much longer in distance and time. Most drivers cannot. I find many A roads and quite a lot of B roads much more enjoyable to drive on than motorways and use them as much as possible.

All this amounts to there being no easy answer to the OP. We live in a world where change is coming faster and faster and the pressure is on for many to keep doing everything faster. This seems to me to take over so much of everyday life.

In retrospect we may ask whether we really need to do that journey faster, to 'save' 30 seconds driving time or arrive at our destination one minute quicker. The answer is that we do not; but given the opportunity to do so very many of us do just that. I have yet to see a future for the driverless car but maybe, just maybe that is what we need.

I wouldn't like to be in your situation. I've sometimes been a passenger with someone who speeds, and it frightens me. I think speed limits are there for a reason and they shouldn't be exceeded. If my husband drove like yours I'd refuse to let him drive me. Yes - I know that would be inconvenient.

I'm fortunate in that my husband drives carefully and within the speed limit. Sometimes drivers behind him get angry that he's keeping to the speed limit, and they drive too close behind us, but they are the ones in the wrong. If he can, my husband lets them pass because he hates the stress of them tailgating us.

I usually read when we go anywhere in the car so I don't have to look ahead as I know I am a nervous passenger. Was once in an accident on a motorway (not anyone's fault but too long a story to tell) and think that just made me worse. I do get angry with hubby though if he doesn't slow car down when approaching a crossing with people on it. He will claim that by the time he reaches it they will all have safely crossed, but I say from a pedestrians point of view, to be crossing a road and seeing a car speeding towards you is so intimidating. What if the person on the crossing trips/falls? Am Afraid I have definite trust issues, especially concerning car drivers. Think I must have been run over in a previous life lol!

I would just like to tell people that I attend meetings of 'compassionate friends', for people who have lost a child.
(I know the word lost offends some)
One of the women's son was hit at a crossing by a driver who was going too fast, and so couldn't stop in time.
Her sons arm was torn off in the accident, and he died in the road at age 17.

You say you always go out in DH car, so I take it that you have a car and drive. So why not refuse to go in a car that he is driving until he changes his awful habit. My husband drives to the speed limits and at times it drives me mad BUT I feel safe with his driving.

I’m like that with my daughter. She hates when I flinch or look for imaginary brakes. I try really hard not too.

I used to speed until I was caught and opted to do the driver awareness course. A sound decision as it changed my attitude completely. The limits are there for a reason. I would also suggest that if a driver scares their passengers then they are not a good driver.

DH enjoys driving and I don't so he does most of it. I have no idea if he drives faster than the limit as I am fortunate to stop being a driver when in the passenger seat. I do think he drives too close to the car in front, especially on motorways and have been known to tell him it frightens me.

On the other hand, on the odd occasions when I do drive him he is very jumpy and always tells me when we are coming up to a speed camera and I always ask him why he is pointing that out? He never has a sensible answer because he knows I stick to speed limits. I can only assume he doesn't.

I stick to the speed limits. In my area you would soon lose your licence if you didn't. I know it annoys some people but there you are. I think that your husband is not driving safely if you feel so concerned. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask him to drive within the legal limits. Then perhaps you could relax a bit. But to blame you when you are obviously concerned is omitting his responsibilities as a driver. I am the driver and drive and I know that it is different when you are in control of the car and are aware of its and your own capabilities. However your husband needs to take more care of your feelings.

If he was a good driver his driving wouldn't scare you. Ignoring speed limits, braking late and hard and having no consideration for other road users or his passenger are indications of a bad driver who happens to have got away with it. (Or has he - are you sure that there haven't been accidents in his wake in the past where he has not made contact with other vehicles but is the reason for their crash or for the increased stress of other drivers and passengers?)
Has he refused to be a passenger while you drive in your car? Why?
In my opinion, angry people shouldn't be in charge of anything mechanical which can cause damage and death.
Has your OH had a medical recently? Is there any other reason for his increasing recklessness combined with oversensitivity?

The drivers who annoy me are the ones who keep to the same speed all along a country 'A' road - 40 mph when they could go faster and it is impossible to overtake them - then keep up the same speed of 40 mph through the villages which should be 30 mph.

Cabbie21 if you can afford it, encourage him to get a new car with all the latest gadgets. My son's Volvo has cruise control, as many cars do, but also a limiter that he can set to prevent him exceeding the speed limit. My son, a typical man, loves all the gadgets and he's become almost obsessed with staying within the speed limit. Your OH might be converted!

Hell's bloody bells. Speed limits are there for a reason. I would refuse to be a passenger. Not only is he putting his and your life at risk but other drivers on the road. It is better to arrive late than not at all.