Coming to terms with the death of an 'ex'

I did about a couple of yrs ago, my children’s father died. He was not a good husband/father in our later yrs together as drink took over. After he was gone I realised we did have unresolved issues and I regret not tackling them with him but he was either in a new relationship quickly or remarried and I chose to let sleeping dogs lie. I was sad that our children had to distance themselves from him (apart from his last weeks) and he died a lonely sad man.

I certainly don't wish my ex any harm, but I know I wouldn't feel anything if anything happened to him. I would however, feel sad for my daughter.

Silverlining I wouldn’t waste any time or effort on wondering how you mght feel.
When I comes to bereavement, there is no way to prepare for it or second guess how you might react.

I too have wondered about this. Divorced 25 years ago and now have been in a wonderful relationship with my OH for the last 22 years who is my Grandchildrens only perceived Grandad figure.
But, and it's a big but, exH is my childrens and DGCs father and GF.
I have no idea how I would feel. I would attend the funeral but only if my children had requested me to and to support them. It's a tricky one.

We had been divorced for 32 years when my ex died. We had remained friends so I was a little sad and sad for my children as he as he died a week before his 66th birthday (like his father) so still young in my eyes. I flew back to England for his funeral in support of our children really.

I'd be a bit sad but he means little to me now. I'd attend the funeral only as a support for our children . He chooses to have very little contact with them, but I think we would show some respect.

I have experienced of this. My first husband left me after a very short marriage. I was 18 he was 20. We should never have married but we had a baby and didn’t really have a lot of choice at the time. He messed my son around for many years ( promising visits and meet ups that never materialised) that caused him ( my son) a great deal of pain. He went on to have several other relationships, marriages and many more children too. We got a call one day to say he had died suddenly ( late 40’s) and my poor son went to pieces with grief for the father he barely knew . My feelings were sadness for the man who was too young to die, sadness for the young children he had left behind ( although this may sound bitter but they did extremely well financially due to his high ranking job at the time of death) but mostly sadness for my poor son who never got an ounce of love, a penny piece or even acknowledgment of his existence at his “fathers” funeral .

A friend's second wife wouldn't invite her to his funeral. She just wanted to be there to support their children.

What sad stories. We have created a society, where the end of a bad relationship, seems like a true end but of course, humans, being who they are, it rarely is.

I hope my ex's don't die from food poisoning I would be the prime suspect..................

I was divorced after over 20 years and the last few years were very bad, getting even worse post divorce. He died in his 50s only a few years later and I was surprised that I was upset.
My children were teenagers and I went to the funeral to support them (I also did all the legal and paperwork stuff afterwards).
When my second husband died, I expected his ex to attend the funeral to support her children, but she didn't go.

31 years ago I divorced my ex, no tears from me good riddance as far as I'm concerned my only concern would be for my dc that I have with him, that their ok. As for the funeral would I go
? No unless dc wanted me to go for support.

My ex died in quite sad circumstances and I had to support my daughter who sat by his bed in intensive care. We had been divorced for 20 odd years and had no contact in the past few years as the children were adults and he had caused them a lot of problems. Interestingly , my daughter wouldn't let me see him in intensive care but I would have liked to. We did have shared history after all. I re met my sister in law and brother in law who I had been very fond of when we planned the funeral. It was a very moving time and I was actually very shaken and during the service when some old photos and songs were shown/played I found I started to cry. Luckily my Uncle had attended to pay his respects as it was nice for me to have some support having supported my children. My ex had no friends and was estranged from his second wife .
Anyway I think when anyone dies who has been a part of our lives there will be some sadness.

Your ex is an ex for a reason. Any feelings I had for this person would be based on whether we had children together and how they had felt when we parted and whether he had made sure he was there for them although separated from me their mother. Should our children wish to attend their fathers funeral I would not see any reason to object. If they wanted me to go with them then I would .

I was surprised my ex lived that long considering the amount of booze he consumed but I was sad for my daughter who loved him knowing all his faults and liver failure is not a pretty end for anyone.

I will not be going to my ex's funeral when the time comes and neither will my children. He was violent and manipulative and I was lucky to get out alive. None of us see him and have no intention of ever doing so . When he dies I will give a big sigh of relief

I have a lovely friend who lived with her partner for more than 20 years. They were a devoted couple and never had children.
His first wife remained very bitter and refused to divorce him and their 2 children were very hostile towards my dear friend so her partner only ever saw them on his own.
When he died suddenly, the wife took over the funeral arrangements, banned my friend from attending and obviously inherited everything as he hadn’t got around to making a will. <silly mistake on his part>
My poor friend was left heartbroken.

I have pondered this question too though healthwise I guess I am more likely to die and he to feel guilty though I doubt he will. I do worry about our children though whichever of us goes first as they will have very mixed feelings. My son is tolerant of his father saying that he knows lots of men who behave as he did. My daughters remember the bad old days all too well and don’t want to know him. Not an easy subject to dwell on

yes, my first ex died in 2011. I didn't know until when searching for him I found out he had died. It was an awful shock. He was my first love, a lovely, good-looking charmer with dancing black eyes, a compulsive gambler, with gambling fever, but also after we had split up he became a schizofrenic, in and out of mental hospitals. He had a child with a new partner, both of whom I met 30 years ago. When I realised he had died, I managed to trace this son, we met up, and I was able to put a basket of white flowers on his grave. When I think of him I remember him as the 18 year old I met, calling me by his pet name, and always laughing. I don't choose to remember the wretchid wreck that he became in his last years. Very sad. Terrible waste. There is a part of me that will always remember. RIP Edison.

I will be sad for his children who have not had the chance of my ex ever showing them he loved them. Death is not only the death of the person but death of hope that you might have the relationship you want with your parent. Other than that, I'm not sure I will feel anything. I stopped hating him a long time ago for the violence and suffering he inflicted upon us. I realise now that he suffered from his own demons which he couldn't get away from. Luckily, I could.

It has happened twice to me and the ones I grieved for most was my children. The first one to die was their stepfather of 12 years and a very popular man hundreds turned up st his funeral which of course was controlled by his current partner. He had no natural children and my son particularly was devoted to him. He had motor neurone disease but throughout the service etc my children were not mentioned.the second death was just three weeks later of their natural father with whom I lived for 16 years and until my children were 12 and 8. His present partner organised the funeral too and again we were excluded. He had no other children. I don’t think my children have ever come to terms with these losses and the public denial of their grief.
I liked them both and was in contact with them both till the end and miss them mightily.
I probably shouldn’t have left the first and then I wouldn’t have been left by the second. Neither of them were any good at fathering, the first because addiction the second of the desire to be famous or something like. I don’t think I chose very well as far as my children were concerned.
Both my children are married to very safe partners and are secure so that might be a good thing coming out of my ludicrous desire.
But I do miss them because they loved me at some time, for that they will always be special. And even more for the relationship we had with the children how I would love to talk to them about that sometimes.
It sounds complicated doesn’t it, but life is.

This is not an easy one to deal with. It happened to me last year. We had been divorced for years, but kept in contact and had affection for each other. I felt a sort of buried grief that I couldn't and can't access. Regret is a part of it even though our parting was not what I wanted.
Our children had - in the end -a good relationship with him. He had bi-polar which restricted his life.
We all went to the funeral although it felt surreal to me. The echoes of what might have been.
Be prepared, Silverlining, for those mixed emotions, but as MawBroon advises, don't dwell on it beforehand.

I went to my ex’s funeral to support our daughter. I had visited him in hospital (at his and his wife’s request). Sadly, the new wife would not let him see our daughter alone and it was hard to forgive him for not standing up to her. I was sad that he had died, as I would have been if any friend had died but, that is all. My biggest sorrow was the pain it gave our daughter,

What poignant and honest stories of the complex and very tangled emotions experienced when an ex dies. Thank you Grans.

I was divorced for many years when my ex developed cancer. I felt guilty as I had been the one who ended our marriage, so I helped him through his illness and was with him when he died. I felt tremendously sad for a long time.(this was three years ago) but have come to terms with the guilt now.