Coming to terms with the death of an 'ex'

I felt freed on hearing my ex controlling partner had died since it means he will no longer pop up on the social scene we both frequented. It has made a big difference to my confidence and peace of mind.

I experienced this a few years ago. Even though we had been apart for a number of years, we had shared nearly 30 years together and had two children. Although I had not been 'in love' with him for many years, I still cared for him. It was difficult in as much as I did not know what my role was in supporting my two grown up daughters, not helped by one of my sisters trying to take over what I felt should have been my role. No one ever thought to ask me how I was feeling, apart from an old workmates, who was now a neighbour and who had experienced the same thing quite recently to my situation. She knocked on my door and said 'I think I know how you might be feeling re * death'. She came in and she had a cuppa and let me talk, she was magic. I could say things to her that I didn't feel I could say to my now husband. Not because he would be unsympathetic, but because I felt awkward saying too much to him, even though he knew my story. I eventually decided to go and visit my ex in the funeral directors to say my goodbyes and stay away from the funeral. My daughters had their own partners to support them. I suppose it depends on the reasons behind why they are your ex and what sort of relationship you had with each other. But please don't assume, because it is someone's ex, that there will not be grieving to be done.

I was married for 25 years to my ex so if he died I would be upset even though we divorced 18 years ago. He was a major part of my life and my children's father. He wasn't perfect, another drinker, but neither was I. Even though I have been happier since we divorced and I have no regrets about the split, we were happy at the beginning and I would not like to be airbrushed out of any review of his life.

I am surprised about people being banned from funerals I always thought they were public events anyone could attend but I've googled it and it seems it's true. Personally I would like to be there to support my children.

I was with my ex for 12 months, when I was 18, he left me for my friend, then I heard went through women like a dose of salts, he fathered children everywhere, thankfully we never had any together, 2 years ago, I got a message on Facebook from his brother, to say that my ex was in the final stages of Pancreatic Cancer, and wondered if I wanted to see him before he died, at that point he only had a matter of days left. I said no, we'd only been married for such a short time, parted acrimoniously, and anything I'd wanted to say had been done over 30 years ago. I didn't wish the man any ill will, but simply had no desire to go over old ground. I felt the past was best left there. As far as sadness goes, it was as if I'd been told a friend of a friend had died.

I had no feelings for my ex what so ever, married him at sixteen because I was pregnant, but I worked at married life for twenty years while being knocked from pillar to post including having gonorrhoea bought home to me twice, horrific when you are the innocent party who by the way has never had an affair in her life. Yes I know I sound bitter and twisted but I probably am. So no, neither me or my kids who by the way also hate the sight of him would dream of going to his funeral and We certainly won’t shed a tear when we know he has gone!!!

Yes I think you’re right fluttERBY123* my son always lived in hope of the big reconciliation where his father begged his forgiveness for missing him growing up and was desperate to make it up to him. Sadly once he had died this “dream” went out of the window. I know my son visits his grave sometimes, which makes me feel very sad.

I divorced my ex when the children were 8 & 10 about 30 years ago. Mt son doesn’t see his dad much, most times it’s just when he is in hospital, he feels very bitter about him as he has never visited him at his home though it’s not so far away. He has never ever visited my daughter and has very little contact with them. Both children regard my second husband as a father figure, my daughter even asked him to give her away when she was married despite her birth father being there as a guest. I wouldn’t go to his funeral, why would I. Both children if they decided to go would have support from his family who have always stayed in touch.

I think the OP is questioning what emotions an ex might feel? Not just whether they went to the funeral or not.

My first husband died young. I had left him (for various reasons) and we had both moved on! When he died I was absolutely gutted in a way I never expected. I cried (genuine) buckets at his funeral....my thoughts were purely of the good times we had (not the latter) and of course was upset for our children.

My parents never understood why I was so upset saying things like "you were better off without him, he was no good, why are you crying". It all hurt, hurt, hurt. I DID love this guy once and although moved on, could not be happy he had died, not for an instant.

So, no there is no right or wrong way to feel. It depends how you do feel at the time.

My ex died 2 years ago. He had 1 bd, ours. His second wife had 2 bc who's needs were always put first during their childhood. When the bc reached adulthood and had bc of their own everything seemed to settle. We all appeared to be getting on ok and attended parties and does for the bgc together. Then he became ill and his second wife turned into a really nasty person. Whilst he was able he continued to visit our bd and her bds but when he was too unwell she banned her from visiting him at home and in the hospital, she also banned her from the chapel of rest and she tried to ban her from his funeral as well. As this is a public place our bd went anyway, I decided that whilst I would have liked to have attended I wouldn't aggravate things so I just put a piece in the paper. During the funeral his devotion to his step children and their children was talked about but despite having been a constant part of his life for 37 years no mention was made of our bd, his only birth child. Our daughter was distraught but it just goes to show that it isn't always the ex parntners who are at fault when there's acrimony.

Yes, my Late Ex husband died after I had divorced him and he had remarried. Good relations were maintained mainly for sake of children. I went to funeral and was reconciled with the second m-i-l. And then when his second wife died I inherited their son, my children's half brother, and felt very privileged to do so. Keep things as good as they can be, for sake of children ... would be my thinking. If poss.

If and when either of my 2 exes die,i will not mourn, neither will my children, they were both bad fathers, and never bothered with their children either personally or helping to maintain them, we all had a struggle while they were quite well off, my oldest children have not seen or heard from their father since being very young, except,my daughter did try to have a reconciliation with her father[first ex] but all he said to her was what do you want? ,
Same with second ex.one son tried to reconcile with him,, and he asked him what he wanted,they were both very upset and dont want anything to do with their fathers.
I wont shed a tear for either of them, first was a serial cheat,and mentally cruel, second was a wife beating bully

GrauntyHelen, I have ex boyfriends I have remained friends with, one for over 40 years. Just because someone no longer loves somebody enough to stay married, it doesn't mean they have to cut them out of their lives altogether. Even with my ex-husband's awful behaviour, for my children's sake I would have been happy to maintain a civil relationship. When their grandparents died I attended their funerals at my children's request because they wanted the support. I would do the same for my ex-husband's.

When my ex-H was seriously ill with cancer myself & DH went to see him in Hospital, strange feeling as I no longer loved him but he was my DD's father, he walked out on us when she was 4 & she never forgave him although she did go to his Funeral, I didn't as we lived in Surrey whilst he was in Yorkshire. I did feel a sadness but not grief as my life had moved on.

When DH died his ex was most welcome at the Funeral as we had become friends (she had remarried), also she is the Mother of his children. I think a lot depends on how your relationship ends & what your children's feelings are , no-one knows how they will feel until it happens.

I don't have any expectation of having feelings of grief when my ex dies and as a 2nd wife would not be inviting my husbands ex to his funeral .Exes are ex for a reason the relationship is over

My husband emotional excludes himself from all his close family including me. If and when he goes before me...I not sure what I’d feel....I know my children love him but he is so distant from us all that I honestly don’t see him leaving a dent! What an awful thing to have said about you even if you’ve brought it on yourself!

gillybob - Your son would have been living in hope that at some point he would get a good relationship with his father. When father died so did that hope. I did not have a good relationship with my mother so went into deep depression when she died. It is said that if the relationship with the parent is good you can take it much more in your stride when they die. Nothing is left unresolved.

If my ex h dies before me I would definitely not attend or pay for any funeral. My 3 dc would most likely go. He has a new partner of 9 years and even though they not married i would hope she would deal with it. I would be very annoyed if my dc ended up paying for his funeral.

My ex died last year. We had been divorced for nearly 30 yrs and he was on his 3rd wife. I supported the children in their sad time but I, like so many, had no feelings whatever. I didn't go to the funeral because his wife would have taken exception, but luckily my children understood.

Like a few of previous posters, my ex was violent and abusive. I was lucky to have a kind policeman stand in the doorway while I got my 2 tiny children and myself out of the house - over 40 years ago now. Our children chose not to see him when old enough. When I heard that he had died, I wept with enormous relief that he could not do anything further to hurt my children or me. They had known he was dying but did not want to see him.

I was divorced for many years when my ex developed cancer. I felt guilty as I had been the one who ended our marriage, so I helped him through his illness and was with him when he died. I felt tremendously sad for a long time.(this was three years ago) but have come to terms with the guilt now.

What poignant and honest stories of the complex and very tangled emotions experienced when an ex dies. Thank you Grans.

I went to my ex’s funeral to support our daughter. I had visited him in hospital (at his and his wife’s request). Sadly, the new wife would not let him see our daughter alone and it was hard to forgive him for not standing up to her. I was sad that he had died, as I would have been if any friend had died but, that is all. My biggest sorrow was the pain it gave our daughter,

This is not an easy one to deal with. It happened to me last year. We had been divorced for years, but kept in contact and had affection for each other. I felt a sort of buried grief that I couldn't and can't access. Regret is a part of it even though our parting was not what I wanted.
Our children had - in the end -a good relationship with him. He had bi-polar which restricted his life.
We all went to the funeral although it felt surreal to me. The echoes of what might have been.
Be prepared, Silverlining, for those mixed emotions, but as MawBroon advises, don't dwell on it beforehand.

It has happened twice to me and the ones I grieved for most was my children. The first one to die was their stepfather of 12 years and a very popular man hundreds turned up st his funeral which of course was controlled by his current partner. He had no natural children and my son particularly was devoted to him. He had motor neurone disease but throughout the service etc my children were not mentioned.the second death was just three weeks later of their natural father with whom I lived for 16 years and until my children were 12 and 8. His present partner organised the funeral too and again we were excluded. He had no other children. I don’t think my children have ever come to terms with these losses and the public denial of their grief.
I liked them both and was in contact with them both till the end and miss them mightily.
I probably shouldn’t have left the first and then I wouldn’t have been left by the second. Neither of them were any good at fathering, the first because addiction the second of the desire to be famous or something like. I don’t think I chose very well as far as my children were concerned.
Both my children are married to very safe partners and are secure so that might be a good thing coming out of my ludicrous desire.
But I do miss them because they loved me at some time, for that they will always be special. And even more for the relationship we had with the children how I would love to talk to them about that sometimes.
It sounds complicated doesn’t it, but life is.

I will be sad for his children who have not had the chance of my ex ever showing them he loved them. Death is not only the death of the person but death of hope that you might have the relationship you want with your parent. Other than that, I'm not sure I will feel anything. I stopped hating him a long time ago for the violence and suffering he inflicted upon us. I realise now that he suffered from his own demons which he couldn't get away from. Luckily, I could.