Gransnet forums


Relationship with adult daughter

(63 Posts)
Dolcelatte Fri 13-Apr-18 09:31:41

I have 3 DD and would appreciate some advice about DD1.

She had a good relationship with me and DH and her sisters growing up. After school she wasn't sure about going to uni so we supported her in taking a cookery qualification, but she subsequently decided to go to uni, where she met her current partner, whom she met in the 2nd year. It was clear that she was very keen on him and she dropped her long standing boyfriend from home to be with him.

We invited the new boyfriend to stay and indeed he came to stay on a number of occasions, usually for up to a week as his family home is at the other end of the country. He seemed quite shy in that he didn't really engage with anyone else in the family, and not very polite in some respects, never offered to say clear the table, or say thank you for having me after the first couple of times. But he was doing very well in his engineering degree, he and DD1 seemed happy and his family sounded nice.

Towards the end of DD1's final year, she said that her boyfriend was being given 35 thousand pounds by his grandparents and had about another 4 in savings, so wanted to buy a house with her and could we give her the money. I wanted to help her so took money out of my pension fund and said that I would let her have the money, but it would have to be expressed to be a loan in order to protect the position if they split up or if anything happened to her. I also had in mind that I had to be fair to all of the girls and it wouldn't be fair to make an outright gift just to one of them.

I then began to observe other aspects of the boyfriend's behaviour which caused concern. I won't set them all out as the thread would be too long, but basically apart from being rude, he was exhibiting signs of controlling behaviour. For example, he didn't want my DD to go on a holiday which she had already booked and paid for (I'm pleased to say she did go), was ordering around the other tenants in the house DD rented (he was doing a year in industry by then so wasn't himself a tenant), ignoring DD on occasions - one time he insisted on a face to face meeting after some disagreement, which involved her driving a 200 mile round trip. He also quit his job early and destroyed all his electronic files on the way out, along with sending his employer a rude message.

However, alarm bells really started to sound over the house. He didn't want to have a survey done, despite the house being bought at a cheap price and the agent saying there was something wing with the roof. He was resistant to any Deed of Trust, insisting that the house belonged solely to him and DD, and flatly refused to have any searches carried out.

I was worried about DD, especially as she had been in a relationship, albeit short lived, a few years earlier, which she subsequently told me was abusive. The final straw came when my other DDs came to me one day when he was staying, to say that they were worried about their sister as there had been row and she had been heard sobbing for most of the morning.

I am afraid that protective mother went into overdrive, i asked him to leave, at first nicely, by which time DD had run into the bathroom and locked herself in. He insisted that he had to speak to her before he left. I then lost it, I am afraid to say, told him he was controlling, not good enough fo my DD, nobody liked him and i wanted him out of my house. I went away for about 15 minutes, came back and he was still there and DD still locked in the bathroom. I said if he din't leave immediately i would call the police, so eventually he did, giving me a horrible glare on the way out.

DD came out of the bathroom, was in a terrible state, i and my sisters tried to calm her down. She did calm down after a while and then went after him. They went to his parents who agreed to provide the money which i was going to provide, as a loan, with a view to selling at a profit which would be shared, after a couple of years.

DD was upset but ame home a while later to work on her dissertation, obviously still loved us. I explained that i was just trying to protect her. She wanted me and boyfriend to be friends. I apologised to her and to him, although he just ignored attempts to contact him. We met as a family with him at DDs graduation a few months later and it was a bit awkward but we all managed. I also offered her the money for the house to buy out his parents, just as a gift, but she spoke to him and he said no, and i thought fair enough.

DD came to visit a few times after that a couple of times with boyfriend and i was super nice to him, said sorry a few times and hoped we were ok and he said we were.

Then after about 18 months he said his father wanted his money out of the house and looked at me. I didn't respond. I actually didn't have the money any longer anyway, but was worried it might cause more problems.

Anyway since then DD has become more and more distant. Last year she cut us off abruptly for 6 months and now just sends an occasional email if we are lucky. Sh effectively ghosted us for 6 oaths immediately after we had visited her ( the city where the house was, boyfriend did' meet us, and obviously we weren't invited to the house so stayed in a hotel). But she told us how much she loved us then just cut us off. Not just me but all of us. She hasn't had any contact with one of her sisters for nearly two years. They sold the house and have bought another one, but she won't give us her address.

She and I were close after the incident. She said I was her best friend and her role model, that she wished she could attach her house to mine. But she seems to have gone from that to being more and more resentful, says that i let her down by leaving them in the lurch at the last moment, that her boyfriend and her dog are her family now, that we have never welcomed boyfriend, that they come as a package, she will not see us without him, and he won't see us until we 'see her right', from which I infer they want money.

Neither of them have worked for the last few years and, so far as i can work out, have no intention of doing so. DD has said that they don't want to be 'wage slaves' or 'mortgage monkeys', that they are not like other people.

I find it hard to express the anguish of that 6 months without her and even now I feel that it is all hanging by a thread.

I would welcome any advice or wisdom from any GNers, as i know from reading some of the threads that some are in a similar situation. It is heartbreaking to be shunned by those you love so much.

Apologies for such a long post, which is my first on GN.

mumofmadboys Fri 13-Apr-18 10:06:10

Hi Dolcelatte. What a difficult situation. I would strongly advise not giving them any money especially as they are not working at the moment. You have had to be a'wage slave' or 'mortgage monkey' to earn your money. Be friendly when you can. Can you send texts as you don't know their address? Give it time - she may well return to her family in the fullness of time. It sounds as if relationships in the fa mily have been loving over the years. I'm sure she'll come back to you. Wishing you well

Violetfloss Fri 13-Apr-18 10:16:14

What a weird situation!
They don't want to be wage slaves or mortgage monkeys hmm how do they expect to, you know, live?!

Don't give them any money. The partner sounds very controlling and manipulative.
His father wants money out of house and expects you to pay for it? Nonono. What a very entitled and selfish arse.
And they aren't working!

I'm angry on your behalf the more I think about it.

I'd still maintain contact with your DD, just so she knows the lines of communication are open and when it goes pear shaped, you'll be there flowers

Grannyknot Fri 13-Apr-18 10:19:22

Dolcelatte, if people don't want to be "wage slaves" or "mortgage monkeys" that's fine, then they must learn to function as non-wage earners without asking their folks for money.

As you're a new poster giving a lot of detailed information that could be recognised, be aware that these forums are public and can be read by anyone, and sometimes threads are shared on other social media platforms.

All the best flowers

grannyactivist Fri 13-Apr-18 10:22:09

Oh dear dolcelatte (love the name - and the cheese!) I do see why you feel concerned. sad
I have had some experience of where you are at; one of my daughters got engaged to someone who sounds similarly controlling. We took the long view that our daughter would eventually see that there was a problem, but in the meantime we kept the (by then somewhat strained) relationship going by maintaining light communication. The engagement lasted two years and then our lovely daughter ditched the boyfriend and returned to the fold. I suggest you keep in touch through sending cards if nothing else, she'll know you're thinking of her.

Bridgeit Fri 13-Apr-18 10:27:13

So sorry to read about you’re situation. You have done everything you could have. Your daughter knows deep down & one day she will realise it. Just hold on in there, I can only imagine how hard it is for you , but the day will come when she will want & need you again. Very best of wishes to you.

M0nica Fri 13-Apr-18 12:00:41

Whatever you do, do not give them money. Any money you give them will go into the boyfriend's pocket and never be seen again.

It may be that when the boyfriend realises that you are not a source of any financial help he will ditch your daughter and look for another source of financial support. They will not starve. They can sign on for benefits, providing they meet Benfit claim conditions - like applying for jobs and accepting a reasonable job offer.

Are you sure his father has asked for his money back, or is this just a story to try and get money out of you. If it is true, why does the father want the money back so soon, I find this distinctly dubious.

gummybears Fri 13-Apr-18 12:38:23

He is only keeping hold of daughter to see if you will dole out the money he wants.

Once it is clear she is not a meal ticket, he will dump her.

Chewbacca Fri 13-Apr-18 12:52:25

I think M0nica has it right, I'm sorry to say. The boyfriend sounds odious to me and I'd be just as worried as you OP, if my DD was involved with him.

jenpax Fri 13-Apr-18 13:10:01

Poor you what an awful situation you must all be so worried. I can’t really advise you here as it’s difficult to know what the future holds but I would try to keep a line of communication going if you can a text or an email keep them light I would suggest but let her know you are there. I wouldn’t give her money either in the current situation, and perhaps it’s a blessing you don’t have the original sum to offer😳
In the meantime 💐

BlueBelle Fri 13-Apr-18 13:23:34

I can’t say anything different to what has already been said ...heart breaking
Don’t give more money and do keep what ever avenues you can as open as possible
Do feel for you 🌹

cornishclio Fri 13-Apr-18 13:41:09

I agree that you should not give them money. They both sound like they need to grow up. How on earth do they expect to live if they won't work? Also I would be wary of giving them money with the view that they will then allow you contact.

Sorry for your situation but I think in your position I would have done the same but maybe not made the personal attacks on her boyfriend. As you say though you have apologised for that several times so I don't think you can do any more but just wait for your DD to contact you. They have no right to expect money from you and I am afraid that comment from her boyfriend about he will not let her contact you until you see her right would just infuriate me.

Send her the odd newsy email saying you think about her but there will be no money from you and she should not expect it. They both sound incredibly spoilt but undoubtedly the boyfriend has had an influence on her. I think Monica has a point. Maybe the Dad has not asked for the money back but they have now run out of money to live so you are the next meal ticket. Hopefully the relationship will split either when your DD comes to her senses or he gets fed up of not getting any money out of you. Flipping cheek of them.

Dolcelatte Fri 13-Apr-18 15:47:19

Thank you everybody so much for taking the trouble to reply and for your kind words of advice. It is difficult as i do feel angry at her treatment not only of me but DH and her sisters. I don't know why they have to suffer for anything i have done. Boyfriend says he doesn't want to see any of us again ever as we have acted so hurtfully towards him, although i am the only one who has had cross words with him. If she would maintain contact with her sisters, that would be something, but al of this silence is very hard to cope with.

I think she must know, deep down, how much i love her. She has said that she knows i love her but then says why am I out showing it. But how can I show it if I don't see her?

I have been having counselling which has helped, but i still wake up every night turning it all over in my mind. I wish i had just gone ahead with the purchase as i wouldfar rather have lost the money than my daughter. But i can honestly say that my motives were only to protect her.

I am trying to keep calm and light and avenues of communication open, but sometimes i just feel so incredibly hurt by it all.

M0nica Fri 13-Apr-18 16:13:36

Dolcelatte, usually in cases like this, when your DD is still so young, things can change very quickly and she will return.

Many years ago I had two friends in your situation, one played it cool and kept quiet and within two years, her daughter was back, chastened, still childless and unmarried and things gradually resolved. The other raised Cain, wept and threatened, her daughter narried the boyfriend from hell, had children and when some 10 years later she left him, he followed her and stalked her and needed to take out a restarining order.

No-one can guarantee the out come, but A is generally more successful than B'

lemongrove Fri 13-Apr-18 16:25:54

Good advice on here dolcelatte I would agree with not giving any money at all ( unless things change in the future).
If they won’t work then they will have to live on whatever they can ( what on earth do they live on?)
It sounds as if your DD used to very fixated on you, and niw she has transferred all that attention to the man in her life.
All you can do is write/text/phone and tell her that you will always love her and always have done, and that they are welcome to visit you.Could be that she will see his controlling behaviour for what it is and leave him, or, she may understand he is controlling but loves him enough to live with it.Sit tight!

luluaugust Fri 13-Apr-18 16:56:36

I agree however slight the contact keep it going where you can, perhaps your other daughters could try the occasional text. Definitely keep money out of it, you will never see it again and lack of it may bring things to a head without you having to be involved. If there is a mortgage on the house how are they paying it? Good luck.

Goodbyetoallthat Fri 13-Apr-18 18:16:50

Definitely try to keep open lines of communication, no matter how tenuous they may seem at the time. We went through a period of semi estrangement with our youngest daughter (not boyfriend related) & I found it so hard not to react to the hurtful comments followed by periods of estrangement.
2 years on things have vastly improved she has a boyfriend who actually enjoys coming to visit us & things are on a much more even keel (though I still have that seed of doubt at the back of my mind).

It is so hard but I really hope that it works out for you all.

Dolcelatte Sat 14-Apr-18 10:53:12

Thank you so much for the further advice and compassion. I was worried that people would think I had brought it on my self, by making him leave my house on that day. My family and such friends as I have told (I feel a bit shamed to be honest), have been very understanding, but I do tend to dwell upon the 'If only'.

There seems to be a consensus that I should not give money and I can see that, if I were to do so, not only would I not see it again, but they might expect more. I would also be worrying that DD was just seeing me for ulterior motives rather than out of love, which I couldn't bear. I know what Goodbye means by the 'little seed of doubt'.

Lulu, they don't have a mortgage. They have been able to buy a house outright by moving to a cheaper area of the country.

I do believe that his father genuinely wanted his money out (with profit), as that was the original basis of going ahead. He either expected me to buy out his share in due course or DD and boyfriend to pay him back. They would easily have been able to get a mortgage and could easily have got jobs but chose not to do so.

I think it is a good idea to keep the contact but to keep it light. I have today sent a friendly e-mail just saying what we have been doing and some family news about her cousins etc

I expect there will now be another silence, although she might send me a text on my birthday if I am lucky. But I don't feel that I could be any more hurt than I have been.

Having said that we were all ok, boyfriend sent an email to the family about 18 months ago, saying how he would never forget my treatment of him that day, when everything changed. He also said that they were proposing to start a family in a couple of years, so making it clear that I should not expect to see my GC. Or do you think I am being paranoid?

I think one of the pp hit the nail on the head in saying that DD was dependent on me but has now transferred her dependency to her boyfriend. One of the things that also worried me about the property transaction, which I did not proceed with, was her saying that he was 'in charge now' even though it was my money. I fear that if we did give her any money outright , he would take it over.

sparkly1000 Sat 14-Apr-18 15:06:12

He says there may be a baby on the horizon?
And follows with a threat that you will not be allowed to see the baby, You are not being paranoid. This is emotional blackmail at it' s very worst and using a potential grandchild is despicable.
This little shit has brainwashed your previously loving daughter and sister and she seems to be trapped in a toxic and controlling relationship.
If a pregnancy does ensue I would just congratulate the couple and leave it at there.

gummybears Sat 14-Apr-18 16:42:23

He is trying to lure OP into paying for access to the potential grandchild.

This is a long con.

Antonia Sat 14-Apr-18 18:17:04

You know that your daughter loves you, and she herself probably knows that she has got herself into a very difficult situation. Giving money isn't the answer here, as others have said it will disappear into BF's pocket. They both need to wake up and realise that working for a living and getting a mortgage is the norm. You may have to wait a while but in the end your DD will realise who really loves her unconditionally: her mum, and she will be back.

Luckygirl Sat 14-Apr-18 18:49:38

It is always very difficult when a beloved child appears to be making a terrible mistake in choice of partner. I feel for you.

But - I do not think there is, as this stage, anything that you can do other than what you are currently doing - i.e. keeping up contact in a low-key way that maintains DD's awareness of your continuing love and concern, but does not get you embroiled in anything heavy.

TBH I think that it might have been better to restrain your anger on that fateful day; but you are a mother and seeing your DD in such a painful situation must have been very hard. But what is done is done - and was done out of love as I am sure your DD realises at some level.

Like everyone else I think you need to back away from any financial entanglements with this man, who is clearly now trying to intimidate and manipulate you as he has your DD.

Just try and keep a channel of communication open with your DD; and bide your time.

glammanana Sat 14-Apr-18 19:37:36

As everyone has said this little creep is playing the long game and as soon as he realises there is no money pot at the end he will be off.
This happened with my DD over 20yrs ago now and it took a few years (4) for her to walk away on her own accord which I feel you may have to wait for,just keep the door open for her and keep sending loving family messages.
Your DD has to make the first move to come away from him and when she does you will be

Benji55 Sat 14-Apr-18 23:41:13

Horrible situation for you. My advice would be the same as others on here, don’t get financially involved, let them work out their own finances, keep any possible lines of communication open with your DD and I think she will one day see him for what he is and return home.

Nezumi65 Sun 15-Apr-18 08:36:10

He sounds mentally unwell (& not to say that as an excuse, just as a reason for his behaviour being out of the norm).

I think all you can do is send the occasional message to your daughter to keep the lines of communication open and so she knows that if she ever needs to leave she can go to you without judgment. In a way the house being unequivocally his would make it easier to leave as she wouldn’t have to be walking away from your money.