Dolcelatté, twenty-some years ago, I was in DD1’s position. I’d like to offer you some words of encouragement, a little insight and some - hopefully - helpful advice.
I lived with my previous boyfriend for five years who was controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive. There was no precipitating incident. I simply realized one day that enough was enough. I suspect your daughter will as well and probably when you least expect it. (I have been married for 17 years to a wonderful cook and successful business owner who treats me like a queen. Don’t give up hope!)
Although I was not the source of our troubles and I had invested more than my share in the relationship, it felt like a personal failure. (If her sisters are happy and successful, that sense of failure/shame may be intensified.) It may be magical thinking, but I wonder how things might have been different if someone had said, “Hey, you know this is not your fault... right?”
One advantage I had that your DD1 lacks is financial independence. I have a great career and we had not entangled our finances. In addition to the stressors of leaving a relationship, she is likely terrified of being homeless and penniless. I would recommend hinting that, should her living situation change, she would be welcome to return home and supported financially [to the extent you can] while she puts all the pieces back together.
Your daughter is young and there’s plenty of time to get the boat back on course.
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Relationship with adult daughter
(64 Posts)I have 3 DD and would appreciate some advice about DD1.
She had a good relationship with me and DH and her sisters growing up. After school she wasn't sure about going to uni so we supported her in taking a cookery qualification, but she subsequently decided to go to uni, where she met her current partner, whom she met in the 2nd year. It was clear that she was very keen on him and she dropped her long standing boyfriend from home to be with him.
We invited the new boyfriend to stay and indeed he came to stay on a number of occasions, usually for up to a week as his family home is at the other end of the country. He seemed quite shy in that he didn't really engage with anyone else in the family, and not very polite in some respects, never offered to say clear the table, or say thank you for having me after the first couple of times. But he was doing very well in his engineering degree, he and DD1 seemed happy and his family sounded nice.
Towards the end of DD1's final year, she said that her boyfriend was being given 35 thousand pounds by his grandparents and had about another 4 in savings, so wanted to buy a house with her and could we give her the money. I wanted to help her so took money out of my pension fund and said that I would let her have the money, but it would have to be expressed to be a loan in order to protect the position if they split up or if anything happened to her. I also had in mind that I had to be fair to all of the girls and it wouldn't be fair to make an outright gift just to one of them.
I then began to observe other aspects of the boyfriend's behaviour which caused concern. I won't set them all out as the thread would be too long, but basically apart from being rude, he was exhibiting signs of controlling behaviour. For example, he didn't want my DD to go on a holiday which she had already booked and paid for (I'm pleased to say she did go), was ordering around the other tenants in the house DD rented (he was doing a year in industry by then so wasn't himself a tenant), ignoring DD on occasions - one time he insisted on a face to face meeting after some disagreement, which involved her driving a 200 mile round trip. He also quit his job early and destroyed all his electronic files on the way out, along with sending his employer a rude message.
However, alarm bells really started to sound over the house. He didn't want to have a survey done, despite the house being bought at a cheap price and the agent saying there was something wing with the roof. He was resistant to any Deed of Trust, insisting that the house belonged solely to him and DD, and flatly refused to have any searches carried out.
I was worried about DD, especially as she had been in a relationship, albeit short lived, a few years earlier, which she subsequently told me was abusive. The final straw came when my other DDs came to me one day when he was staying, to say that they were worried about their sister as there had been row and she had been heard sobbing for most of the morning.
I am afraid that protective mother went into overdrive, i asked him to leave, at first nicely, by which time DD had run into the bathroom and locked herself in. He insisted that he had to speak to her before he left. I then lost it, I am afraid to say, told him he was controlling, not good enough fo my DD, nobody liked him and i wanted him out of my house. I went away for about 15 minutes, came back and he was still there and DD still locked in the bathroom. I said if he din't leave immediately i would call the police, so eventually he did, giving me a horrible glare on the way out.
DD came out of the bathroom, was in a terrible state, i and my sisters tried to calm her down. She did calm down after a while and then went after him. They went to his parents who agreed to provide the money which i was going to provide, as a loan, with a view to selling at a profit which would be shared, after a couple of years.
DD was upset but ame home a while later to work on her dissertation, obviously still loved us. I explained that i was just trying to protect her. She wanted me and boyfriend to be friends. I apologised to her and to him, although he just ignored attempts to contact him. We met as a family with him at DDs graduation a few months later and it was a bit awkward but we all managed. I also offered her the money for the house to buy out his parents, just as a gift, but she spoke to him and he said no, and i thought fair enough.
DD came to visit a few times after that a couple of times with boyfriend and i was super nice to him, said sorry a few times and hoped we were ok and he said we were.
Then after about 18 months he said his father wanted his money out of the house and looked at me. I didn't respond. I actually didn't have the money any longer anyway, but was worried it might cause more problems.
Anyway since then DD has become more and more distant. Last year she cut us off abruptly for 6 months and now just sends an occasional email if we are lucky. Sh effectively ghosted us for 6 oaths immediately after we had visited her ( the city where the house was, boyfriend did' meet us, and obviously we weren't invited to the house so stayed in a hotel). But she told us how much she loved us then just cut us off. Not just me but all of us. She hasn't had any contact with one of her sisters for nearly two years. They sold the house and have bought another one, but she won't give us her address.
She and I were close after the incident. She said I was her best friend and her role model, that she wished she could attach her house to mine. But she seems to have gone from that to being more and more resentful, says that i let her down by leaving them in the lurch at the last moment, that her boyfriend and her dog are her family now, that we have never welcomed boyfriend, that they come as a package, she will not see us without him, and he won't see us until we 'see her right', from which I infer they want money.
Neither of them have worked for the last few years and, so far as i can work out, have no intention of doing so. DD has said that they don't want to be 'wage slaves' or 'mortgage monkeys', that they are not like other people.
I find it hard to express the anguish of that 6 months without her and even now I feel that it is all hanging by a thread.
I would welcome any advice or wisdom from any GNers, as i know from reading some of the threads that some are in a similar situation. It is heartbreaking to be shunned by those you love so much.
Apologies for such a long post, which is my first on GN.
I hope Jallenrix that Dolcellate's D is one day able to break free from her controlling partner, just as you did
.
As others have said... stay quiet for the time being. Your daughter will eventually realise she is in a toxic relationship. Sadly this HAS to come from the person herself otherwise she will regard any criticism of her partner as a personal attack
Just keep in touch on a light hearted basis! Tell her you love her and are there for her but don’t get into discussions about money and definitely do not hand over any money. At the moment he will be filling her head with all sorts of nonsense.
When/if they have a child ( and tbh I hope she sees the light before then) but she will see things differently. She will WANT her mum to be involved. I am certain of this because of your closeness up to now.
Sit back and wait is my advice x
Thank you so much Jallenrix and Bluelegal for your words of encouragement. It really means a lot to me. I am sure you are right in what you say about how to deal with the situation. It is so good to hear some encouraging stories, well encouraging in the sense that the situation was alright in the end. That's what I keep telling myself,that if it's not alright, it's not the end.
Thank you also Smileless for your good wishes and I hope very much that things work out for you in the end.
I am in a similar situation although they keep moving back in with me, no board and no interest in getting a place of their own.... or permanent employment, I have been in the same devastating stand off with my daughter. In the end I stopped making comments to my daughter about her husband as when I did it made her more stubborn and against me. Using this reverse psychology as built a relationship with my daughter and I feel she and we as parents are being used... but until she sees the light herself I no longer make comments. I sincerely feel for you and understand what you are feeling at present Dolce and hope you will find a way that makes you feel a little better about everything.
She has to make the decision for herself,my daughter was in an abusive relationship 20 years ago,she wouldn't hear a bad word about him.We would go and pick up her things and bring her home and she would go trotting back time after time.
It took a really bad incident to bring her to her senses ,when she was being beaten so badly she thought he would kill her...and one of his friends came to the door,heard and rushed in to her aid.She finally came home .Sadly the abuse was the start of her health problems which still plague her.
He was never charged although she reported it to police .
Bev, I am sorry to hear that you are in a similar situation, and hope things get better for you. it sounds as though you are adopting the best approach.
Paddy, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's experience, which sounds horrendous. Thank God she is safe now.
I don't think DD1's BF is physically abusive and I don't think she would put up with that.It is more of a psychological control. He sulks and dishes out the silent treatment, so that I am sure that he creates and atmosphere if DD discusses her family or wants to be in contact with us. It is as though the contact has to be with his permission.
DD3 is meant to be going to stay with DD1 (DD3 hasn't fallen out with anyone and apparently BF thinks she is ok). However, she keeps waiting for a date to go, even though she is very flexible, and gets hurt when DD1 just doesn't respond.
The behaviour you describe may not be physical Dolcelatte but it is most certainly emotional abuse! And that is recognised as a form of domestic abuse. Getting the courage to get out of it will be so hard for your Daughter if she gets to that point
In response to your question on Tuesday Dolcellate yes we are still in contact with our DS but it was touch and go for a while as ES and his wife tried very hard to come between us.
DS lives in Aus. so we face time and speak on the 'phone at least once a week. About 3 years ago he told me that he'd never do to us what his brother has done. When he said that I told him that there was a time when we thought we'd lose him too. He put his arms around me and said "I know mum, I know".
What a worry for you, he's totally controlling the situation sounds like she hangs on to everything he says and there is nothing you can do about that.
They are both adults and educated and although we would love to give our adult children advice without them asking for it it is best to keep quiet.
How do they expect to live without working!! live off the state? What a cop out
Whatever you do DO NOT GIVE THEM ANY MONEY.
Hopefully at some point your daughter will leave him, we had a similar situation with our daughter but all turned out well in the end.
Forget about him, just keep in contact with your daughter by whatever means.
Tell her you miss and love her and keep things positive, she will then know when the time comes she has a family waiting for her.
Propping up adult children with money does not do any good.
Smileless, I am pleased to hear that all is ok with your other son. It must have been heartbreaking when you thought that it might not be ok. My other DDs have also said that they would never behave like that towards me and I don't believe they would. But then I didn't believe DD1 would be like this, so I do have the fear.
The whole episode has damaged my confidence a lot, both as a mother and as a person. I think that there must be something wrong with me, if my own child doesn't want to talk to me. I would absolutely learn from my mistakes, at least I hope I would, but my counsellor makes me feel better by saying you have to be true to yourself. I do know that my motives were good in that I acted out of love for my daughter, but of course they don't see it that way.
Jeannie, I am pleased your situation turned out well in the end. I think you are right about not giving money, although I am worried that if I don't, they will resent me more. Then again, if the relationship is only based on what they can get, not love or respect, then that is not a healthy relationship.
I am getting on with my life and have a lot to occupy me at present, which is good. I have a landmark birthday coming up and, given that I know there will not be a happy family get together with all of us, I have booked a long haul holiday with DH.
I also enjoy time with my other DDs, whom I see regularly, as I think it is important to embrace the joy rather than focus on the negative.
A lot of us here are dealing with estrangement from children, or bad parent/child relationship. But some of you have got husband's/partners to share and comfort you.
I do wish I had met someone after my nasty divorce, but I was so bitter, I don't think anyone would have wanted me.
Enjoy your Sunday ...I might do some weeding or go for a walk xx
Thank you crazy. Same to you! Better get the weeding in soon as the weather forecast is bad!
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