When is a marriage over

I would say you need to think carefully about the housing and financial issues before doing anything. If boredom is the main problem and he is not beating you up or withholding money or stuff like that here is nothing to stop you getting a social life without him being involved. Plus give him a list of stuff to do around the house while you are at work.

If your husband hadn't retired I'd think you are Shula Archer and I've been thinking about how unkind she is to Alastair to tell him out of the blue that it is over.

In practical terms, you can get a divorce on grounds of breakdown of marriage. It sounds as if this might be what happened. I believe if is compulsory to have some form of counselling now, so you might want to check that. If you divorce and own your home then it could be sold and you could get part of the value, which might let you buy a place of your own. Have you got savings? Do you and husband have a joint account or separate bank accounts?

In the meantime your husband should do some of the household chores if he is retired and you work. Have you asked him to? You could try not shopping and meeting a friend out a few times for a meal, not providing one for him . Or give him a list and ask him to shop or do an online order for delivery. You should point out the things that are making you unhappy so that the news that things are not working out is not a shock for him.

If your husband has only recently retired he might just be taking some time out and relaxing, in which case he may get bored after a year and look around for something to do. But it is unacceptable that he does not help in the house. Is he much older than you?
Is it possible for you to have a trial separation - maybe a year? You and he need to face up to the realities of your respective financial positions if you split up. Can you
move into your own bedroom, make another room -if you have one - into a second lounge, split the furniture, get your own tv, buy and cook just for yourself, and do only your own washing and ironing, and split all the household bills doen the middle. In other words, you are leaving him as a wife but staying in the house that belongs to you both (unless you are renting?).

At the prospect of this, or after a few months of it, your husband might suggest that you take it in turns to cook etc (or he might go downhill and eat takeaways, leaving the debris piling up in the kitchen!) You could try it and see. Love takes many forms, and it is cheaper for two to live together than apart, you might split and be alone for the rest of your life, and sometimes the devil you know is the better option. However, if after one final effort as above, things don’t change and you find that you just can’t stand him anymore, I think you need not feel guilty at walking away from him.
Ironically, the chances are that he will end up with a new partner and become a new man!

I suspect a marriage is over if you really don't care anymore about even being in the same room as your other half which is a very sad state to be in. Could you go off for a couple of weeks to a different town and see how you feel then? All good wishes to you.

You could develop some interests of your own? TheU3A has lots of different groups - our local one does painting, drawing, local history, ukelele...a friend of mine a single lady, has joined eleven groups! She does belly dancing, Chinese calligraphy, flower arranging etc and tbh is very rarely at home! DH would have to do the shopping and cooking, especially as you're still working! It sounds as though you haven't actually sat down and discussed it with him? I know it's difficult. Maybe he's a bit depressed?

My thinking is that if you and your OH split, you will be in the same boat that you are now, i.e. having to work fulltime, shop, do the housework etc. Of course that would only be for one, but does it make much more work doing it for two?
I would tell him you are fed up, then make your own social life, as fluttERBY123 suggested.

Spot on HillyN life can be much harder on your own. Vauxhall If you can’t you make a social life for yourself now, what makes you think you will be able to do it when you are living by yourself? My marriage ended after 28 years, much against my wishes. I was very lucky and met a lovely man who I’ve now been with for 17 years but I feel quite jealous when I see couples who have been together for a lifetime and share children, grandchildren etc. Our friends who have been together for years are also so much better off financially than us, have nicer houses, holidays etc!

Well I am recently divorced. My wife asked me for a divorce and that was that
Now we are very good friends and we even go away in trips together and sleep in the same bed
She is not bothered about the sexual aide and neither am I.
So it suits us both .

GariellaG is absolutely right. I'm sure its scary making a life changing move, but if you are that unhappy move on....life's too short. I did, although when I was younger....and have never looked back.

I live in exactly the same marriage as you. Except mine won't even listen when I speak. He gets up and locks himself in the bathroom until as he puts it"I've stopped ranting on "... we have been married 45 years.... he has been like this for most of them and the last fifteen have been horrendous. I only have my state pension although I worked for 46 years 'we ' could never afford a private pension for me, ( I paid my wages into joint account which he holds sway over'.I now cannot afford to move out as my pension won't stretch to even basics.... He does nothing in house or garden...won't cook, clean, shop...he never goes out unless to doctors. I hate my existence and he knows it as I sometimes catch him watching me and 'sniggering'. So Vauxhall 58 .... run..run..run before like me your dead inside and screaming!

Thank you for your replys they are helpful. We rent we live in a council bungalow so no joint property yes I could talk to him about all this I did several years ago it changed for a few months then went back to doing the same thing He is not depressed he lives being at home watching the telly watching the sport watching repeats in the dvd every weekend like he has a thing with James Bond film now so every bloody weekend it’s the film and I give in for a quiet life we have no children only pets . I don’t know what is best really

Could you contact the council and ask what the housing situation would be if you left?

Firstly, tell him you are no longer willing to be his servant while still working full time and have no social life or quality times to look forward to. He's now the stay at home husband so should be doing the majority of the household tasks while you are at work and then other things should be shared when you are home. If he refuses to discuss it then just stop cooking or washing for him and say you are going to start living a single life. Go where you please, when you please and don't tell him what you are up to. Is your salary equal to his pension? Pay your share of the household bills pro rata and let him sort himself out re meals etc. See a solicitor for a free half and hour and speak to the council re single accommodation for both of you. Can you afford a singles holiday? Try 'Just You', you will meet some interesting people on their holidays but they are not cheap. Get yourself out of the house in the evenings and weekends as much as possible and start a new life. Why have you let this situation go on for so long!

Did your husband expect you to do all the housework while he was working, or is this something new?

A lot of men apparently react this way when they retire, and refusing to acknowledge the problem or discuss it with their wife is also very common.

Only you can decide whether your marriage is over, or worth trying to save. I don't think I would want to go on if my DH was sitting on his beam end doing d---n all and never interested in sex.

Does your husband realise that you are seriously considering divorce? If not, tell him so in words that he cannot misunderstand, but please do take the advice the others have given about looking into what you are entitled to if you opt for divorce.

What attracted you to this man in the first place?
Can you look back and say you want to feel that way again? If so then counselling will help. If your husband is not willing to participate then your marriage is over.
C A will give you free advice and they should be your first step.

When is a relationship over? when you no longer want to share a life together and be with that person.

I stayed far too long in my first marriage. I was unhappy but just stayed there because I felt I had made a commitment for life. Then I found my husband had cheated on me and in my eyes that brakes the contract. So I started divorce proceedings when my children were 18, 16 1/2 and 8. It was tough and he did not make it easy for me but the relief once he left wasWe sold the house split it 50/50 and went our separate ways. I eventually remarried and he had a string of girlfriends none of who lasted more than 6 months and then eventually settled on living with a a woman 6 years older than him and who by her own admission does not cook. It is ironic as when married to me demanded I had cooked meal on table for him within 10 mins of him getting home each night. If you don't want to be together why make yourself be unhappy? In my view it is pointless. Looking back I am so glad my ex h had the affair.

I was going to ask if your mortgage was paid off and if you did separate, if you could both afford to buy a smaller property.

Now I see you are in a council property. I have no idea what that would mean for your future accommodation, but I am sure someone at the council would advise you.

From what you have said it sounds s though the marriage is over, so you need to think about your future.

Do you have a decent pension and savings? That would make the decision a lot easier.

Do you do things without him ? You say every weekend you watch the same things on tv why not go out without him ? Or do you just sit waiting for him to change ? If you’re sure you don’t love him ( I m saying that because you said I think) then be honest with him and move on you can’t stay if there’s no love or care because that’s unfair on you both
Does he know how you feel you say he won’t engage in talking well write it down leave it for him and tell him if he wants to discuss it you will or else you will make your plans to leave

If you have to ask, I think it's over.

I’d say that the answer depends on how old you are.
I am now sixty five. This is my fourth full-on relationship. I am proud to say that I was brave enough to see that a relationship wasn’t working and to not get to my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with sadness in my heart for the lost years.
Now that I am sixty five, I know this relationship isn’t perfect but do I want to upsticks? Well, it depends on what you are looking for.
Living in a house with two incomes coming in is comfortable. What is it in the marriage that doesn’t work? Could one override those problems and still have a happy life? Is sex important to your future happiness? What does your partner give which is useful – maybe he’s / she’s the only driver, maybe he / she is a passionate DIY person, maybe you hate cooking but your partner loves it.
Later in life, there are so many ‘other’ things to consider. For example, do I want to split our assets and then have to go into a mortgage again? Can I still have my pleasures, while my partner has his hers?

Later in life, the picture of needs changes. Look at your ‘whole life picture’ and work out what is best.

Saggi - a divorcing wife is entitled to part of the husband's occupational pension. You do not have just your state pension.
No-one should be tied to a partner and made to feel how these women describe.

It might be worth a few sessions with Relate before you give up on the relationship altogether. I agree with the person whose husband said all he might need is to be 'kicked into touch.' Up until now you have not actively challenged him.

Often as time goes on in our marriages/partnerships, it is difficult to sustain the level of companionship formerly enjoyed anyway because of long-term health limitations. My long term partner of twenty years plus understands that I can get very tired and stressed with caring responsibilities. However, he never lets me forget that I am the most important person in his life; encourages me to have outside interests; and helps to fund occasional holidays with my women friends, both of which give me much needed breaks. It makes a big difference never to be taken for granted - which seems to me to be one of the main problems here.
I don't blame you at all for feeling bored, fed up and frustrated - you have every right to be all of these. But speak up before you break up!

Saggi, if you left, as well as your state pension you would be entitled to Pension Credit, which would bring your weekly income up to £160. You will also be entitled to Housing Benefit, which will cover most of your rent and the same help with Council Tax. If you are on Pension Credit, it is often surprising all the other odd bits of help you can get, there is some some help with fuel bills directly from fuel suppliers, help to make your new home energy efficient. all kinds of things.

M0nica Yes, dental care is one thing that you get with pension credit but not with a standard state pension.

It sounds like you have very good reasons to be unhappy and feel dissatisfied. Some people just can't change their ways...others need a lot of prodding or a ruthless shake up to motivate change. Either way, your husband appears to be insensitive to your needs and clueless about how you feel.

Does he deserve to be blind sighted? Only you can answer that, but after twenty years of marriage, I would at least give him a 'heads up'!