Am i being taken for granted or is it just me

Oh! that's last time in input and in fact will be leaving Gransnet. Didn't realise my response would be judged and critiqued. Thought I was joining in response to a Gransnetter not starting a debate.

Debohun what a sad tale I truly feel for you ?

Lucky you being asked, so many cut off from their families would give there eye teeth to be asked, you get phone calls from your children and niece, you ve just spent a weekend away with one daughter you sound blessed to me
It s entirely up to you if you want to be freely available or sometimes unable to help maybe you haven’t got other things in your life, so again it’s your choice whether to build up your own entertainment or whether to just be Nan
One last thing as soon as the children reach double figures they won’t need you at all so be prepared, if your whole life is babysitting, you will have a big drop in their need of you (and it comes along very quickly)

Yes magic I'm with you, no matter how busy our children are, with today's technology, it only takes seconds, to text, or send an email, you can make up excuses forever, but there really aren't any.

It amuses me when folk excuse their children's neglectful behaviour by saying they are probably too busy, working full time and/or brining up a family.

I always worked either outside the home or as a childminder in the home. I never drove then so had to get the bus whenever I went out. Not everyone had phones so it was pot luck a lot of the time if you were visiting anyone. Yet, we always had time to visit our mum's weekly/fortnightly at the most. Both our parents were single mum's, so we made sure they were invited to holiday with us, taken out for lunch on Mothering Sunday, shared public holidays. We sometimes had both mum's at once and invited them quite regularly for Sunday lunch or we would go to there's. Our extended family was very important to us, but if it was not for me instigating visits to my two daughters on a weekly basis, I don't know how often I would see/hear from them. I just put it down to a generational thing, or I would be constantly wondering if I had been a bad mother like others have voiced. If I mention anything about them not contacting me, they will say things like, we know you are ok because we saw you posting/liking something on FB!

My MIL just adored my DH and she always used to say that as long as he was happy, she could put up with not seeing him without complaint. His happiness was certainly worth more to her than her own. I used to wonder how she could say that but now I understand because I feel the same way about my children...most of the time. I look after my DGS 2 days a week and I do get slightly upset when his parents don't come straight home without letting me know. In the past when I have said I can't have him my son would say, "Oh, I thought you would love to have him." That made me feel guilty that I had said 'no,' especially as my mother would go on about how I should drop everything to have him.

I started to write something but then realised sandelf had said exactly what I was going to and saved me the trouble! Independent and happy is what I always wanted for mine and by and large that is what has happened.

Debohun -so sorry to hear about this. Is it his way of coping with the grief of losing his wife because you are a reminder of her whenever he sees you. Did he make the move thinking it would help him forget? People dont always act as you would expect - When my husband died at age 40, my children were at primary school and I expected his parents to become more involved with the children because they were all they had left of him, and there were no other gc's. Wrong - they almost ignored us. We had no emotional support, and they showed no interest in the children. They didnt phone, visit or invite us over or send presents. My daughters recently told me that they thought they had done something wrong because their grandparents didnt love them. It really hurt me that my children had suffered emotionally like that. I hope your son in law will eventually realise that his children need you. Please continue to write letters and send cards to the kids to let them know you still love them. If you think he wont pass them on then send them to their school address or a friends address.

Oh dear Debohun, how do you cope ? Tragic in all ways. There are such cruel people in this world....your GC's father being one. This is my recurring nightmare especially with one dil ....God forbid something happens e.g. divorce , I doubt I will see my gc....as it stands I don't see them much now anyway. All the best xx

Oh Debohun, I am so sorry to hear that. It's tragic for you and your husband, but also for your grandchildren.

Nfkdumpling I agree about WhatsApp. My children and I chat almost every day and exchange photos, videos etc and it's great being included in their chat.

Hi Alimarb
I have a completely different situation. I looked after my two GC for 7 years, Having a day of work every week to have them as babes whilst my D worked Myself and my husband picked them up after school and after clubs. Took them out for trips and even on holidays with and without their parents. When my daughter passed away her husband cut us off completely and then within three months of her death moved them hundreds of miles away. He has now cut off all contact with our family. My D really appreciated what we did for her but her husband took advantage of us. Its especially annoying that he took little interest in his children when my D was alive. Now we dont see them at all we are grieving not only for our D but also our GC . Please please cherish the time with your GC. They may be taking advantage of you but life can change in an instant. Our loss is devastating.

Alimarb , no you are not taken for granted,,,but it is like this now for this generation of children.... mine is lovely but she come and use me as a bank anytime I go out with her with her son for shopping and eating out . i end up paying for most things....she never have any money LOL ... but both her and her husband have been to Cambridge and Oxford and both have very good job with excellent money.... but when the bill come in a restaurant he always go out of the way ...and my daughter tell me to paid as anyway it is part of her inheritance,,,,,,and so on...she always never called me to let me know how things are and so on,.... I think she don't think to call something is wrong..... but lately I have a lot of phone call ....my grandson.,,,,go to sleep when he is driven and she get bored so she call me..... silver lining... I am sure they love you a lot and if everything is ok why bother you take care

My dear mum and mil both died within 6 months of each other when my ds an dd were 4 And 7. In those days we didn't go out that much which was just as well as we had no one to babysit. I have 4 gd and help out a lot, sometimes at short notice. I do find it difficult to say no. My dh is a great help and between us we make it work.

correction "being busy does NOT excuse discourteous, demanding and ungrateful behaviour."

Being busy, busy, busy and under stress (which I agree is very true for a lot of parents these days) does excuse discourteous, demanding and ungrateful behaviour. It takes no time at all to ASK if a grandparent is available and if she/he would mind picking a child up from school, having them for a sleepover, etc. etc., and afterwards to thank them for their help.

I don't mind misunderstandings and oversights occurring on a couple of occasions - they are perhaps inevitable when people are stressed and very busy - but if they were to happen on a fairly regular basis I think it is unacceptable.

Thanks for your input everyone, it has helped knowing I'm not alone. I do text all my children at least three times a week, I usually say something like, 'hope you have a good day '. Sometimes get a reply from daughter 1 but rarely from the others. Maybe I am too available but dont get me wrong I love,love,love looking after my grandsons, its the 'oh by the way' conversations I object to. If I pick the phone up and its daughter 2, my husband starts a countdown to how long it will take her to bring it up. My niece actually visits me and as she's about to leave asks to put some dates on the calender. I have mentioned it to her but she was horrified at the thought and insisted that it doesn't happen. Oh well I have a few things booked for May but the last time we went out for the evening they were phoning round to see where we were - we enjoyed that lol

They are bussy, busy, busy and very tired. They have to work, they have to try and do their best for their children and partners and managers. Somewhere they have to find space for themselves.

I agree this is true but it was for us too. It's not a new concept. MANY of us were working women and felt exactly the same pressures but had fewer of the benefits and less disposable income too probably. I was a working single parent and ran on exhaustion, 24/7! It was common for many women to work full time in the 70s.

However, I didn't forget the mother who brought me up and cared about me and my children. I didn't stop loving her. She was a huge part of my life - aren't all mothers - and as an adult, to cut her off because I was shattered would have been understandable maybe, but extremely unfair.

Perhaps we were just raised differently and there is a younger generation that takes more than it gives and has a more selfish 'me' perspective? We didn't concentrate solely on our children because we were raised to feel obligations to our parents - who were growing older - and wider family too. Perhaps that's an old fashioned concept, to cherish others, but it seems to have gone right out of fashion.

I suppose having no obligations is now preached as part of personal freedom?

We all need a balance don’t we ? We help them, they help us.
If there is no balance then there is something wrong.
Saying we are going to see friends for the day to our AC (at the weekend) makes them realise that we do have lives to live.

Yes you are taken for granted as you are 'mum'. Stable, secure. unconditionally loving mother. In the world of new parents today it is frantic. They are bussy, busy, busy and very tired. They have to work, they have to try and do their best for their children and partners and managers. Somewhere they have to find space for themselves. I book the entire family in for a get together 3 months in the future. I cook Sunday lunch or we go out. I'm afraid requsts for babysitting etc are on their tick list along with evrything else including all demands from school and rest of family. My generation stayed at home with children and so did our friends and relatives. The pressure now on young parents is absolutley horrendous.

I have two children. Daughter, sil and gc live fairly close. Son and girlfriend currently overseas though returning to mine in the summer until they can get jobs and a place of their own. Daughter in touch usually several times a day by email. Son in touch once in a blue moon. Am used and loved by them both in equal measure. Always took the attitude that they were mine temporarily until they grew up. Encouraged them to speak their minds, which they do! They were both still living at home when their dad (my husband) died over 10 years ago. We all supported each other at a really difficult time in our lives. They made sure between them that I was never left on my own in the early days, and I think that time binded us together in a way that nothing else could. I do what I can to make life easier for them, and in return I get love and help from them too. Doesn't mean that we don't have cross words on occasions though!!! - That's family life!

Before I read this thread yesterday I said to DH 'I don't think our DD likes me'. I agree with you Day6

To take the "As long as they are happy, I don't mind" approach seems to me to be in danger of reinforcing the "me, me, me" frame of mind. In my view, accepting selfish and insensitive behaviour will reinforce it and can create a sense of entitlement and a lack of respect for other people's feelings

Sorry to copy and paste a big chunck, but well said Eloethan.

I have friends who give, give, give to their children, both their time and their money and I have to say their children are selfish, uncaring brats. They really are thick-skinned. Yes, they are grown up and with their own children but they only see their parents when they want something. OH and I have broached this with them, but it seems as though they almost have to buy their AC's time and attention, otherwise they'd be of no use. They pay out for so much.

We have found ourselves tied into a routine of AC's making for weekend care for GD. The last three Saturdays they have assumed we will have her all day so they can do their own thing with friends. It's as though they are doing us a favour. This Saturday and Sunday we are 'busy' because we did feel we were being taken for granted, much as we love our toddler GD.

Our AC are busy and we text regularly and I do try to arrange (and host) family get-togethers every six weeks or so, but getting them all together at the same time is hard.

We have reached the conclusion that much as we love them, our time is precious too. If they are busy that's fine, but we intend to plan lots so we can genuinely say that we are not available. I remember as a young working Mum checking on my own Mum regularly. We'd pop in to see her often and arrange days out together. She didn't drive so I'd take her shopping or to hospital appts, etc, and for a cup f tea and a chat. Sometimes it was a duty call, but for the most part she was my Mum and she delighted in seeing her Grandchildren and they in seeing her. She'd often get two buses over to my house and come in and clean the kitchen so she could reciprocate, even though she was old. To come home from work to her singing in the kitchen and sweeping the floor was always a lovely surprise.
That 'duty' of mutual love and care for each other seems to have vanished. It seems the older generation has become a bank and a child-minding convenience and little else for their AC. It's very sad. I hear this tale so often.

I have just one DGD who we practically brought up as her Mum was/is a single parent. Did the school runs, kept DGD till her Mum picked her up, used to make meal for her Mum too before they went home. I loved it. So did her step-Grampa.
She's at uni now, phones several times a week, mostly short chats but that's nice. I'll see plenty of her when she comes home to her Mum this week.
Maybe if I had half a dozen GCs and kids who were always too busy, I would feel used though.

I was fortunate to be a sahm and could work from home until the children went to school. Now over 70% of mums of young families work. There was an interesting article by Libby Purves today in the Times. So most families are struggling with childcare. I'm watching my high achiever daughter struggle at the moment as one child has suddenly had to be off school for five weeks and her husband says he can't take time off. Nor can she. But they know we can't help as they are abroad and have medical commitments ourselves so they are managing somehow. We used to be able to give an enormous amount of help.
I do think that some young AC still see their parents as providers while some have managed to transition to seeing their parents as equals in that they appreciate what is being done for them as they would appreciate what a friend would do.