Poor relationship with mil

I have to say that if I had a MIL who allowed her dog to lick my baby's face I would not go there at all! That is entirely out of order.

It would be good if you could find a way to communicate with MIL and help her to understand your point of view.

She does not sound an evil lady; but there has been a breakdown of communication with her, and that can only be resolved by talking together. That may feel very difficult top do, but this problem will not be resolved unless you do.

Smileless, it was MIL gran who was involved in the fallout with the mum. The mum had plenty of rows with her own mum mind, and some shockers with the aunty (her sister). But it was MIL who carried the can in the end, the other gran has always passionately detested her amd strongly encouraged the NC.

(I have known this MIL since I myself was very small and she has always been very kind to me, I am very fond of her. Both she and the little one have really struggled with the drastic change in their relationship and it is still a sore point several years later. Yes, she has her eye rolling moments like everyone does, but frankly I would swap her for mine in a heartbeat)

But to return to the topic: if there is a possibility of this kind of awful outcome in a family, nursery might be better. Sometimes it’s not wise to go looking for trouble when there is already plenty.

I don’t know where OP goes from this point. Where is the husband/son in all of this? Is there anything he has or is willing to do to defuse tensions and try to get everyone on the same page? The weekly visits must be less than pleasant for everyone involved with things being as they are.

How old is baby, did I miss this? Under nine months or so if EBF?

Ooops my mistake gummybears I should have paid more attention to your post. I'm not surprised, it often is the m.i.l. whose forced out.

I have a similar situation with a friend. Her D and s.i.l. have cut out his parents with her's and her husband's full support and dare I say encouragement.

I'mif only because she's seen from our experience the devastation that this causes. Her D had their first child 6 months ago and the paternal GP's have never seen their GC.

Both her and her husband "passionately detest" their s's.i.l. parents too.

This sounds very much like a post from a few months back....or am I wrong?

It must sound, reading my posts, that most of my family are constantly fighting with each other.

Unfortunately this is actually the case...

Hi SJ0102
You mention your DM and Mil
Do also have a father and Fil in your lives?
If so what are their thoughts on difficulties that you are experiencing at the moment with maternal and paternal grandmothers?

@dontaskme. You wonder why my dh would tell me things his mother says? Because we are a partnership.

How sad that you think it is appropriate for a husband to hide things from his wife that concern the children.

@synonymous. Can’t wait to be a mil - and show my dil and son the respect and privacy they deserve as parents.

I’ll be sure to teach him boundaries young so that any bumps can be mitigated

As for the flurry of posts I’m sure you understand as a mother the few moments you have to yourself and the need to get things in as quickly as possible.

@cherrytree59. I haven’t spoken to my parents about my issues with mil as I don’t want to include them in these issues.

As for fil - he knows his wife is overbearing and constantly asks her to stop doing things when we sees my dh and I getting annoyed with her

@synonymous. Yes professional care seems like the way to go. My mother would be interested in childminding as well but to keep things fair I have chosen a professional.

I truly believe boundaries will be overstepped and don’t want to deal with any fallout.

If I had posted on other sites the advice would be to cut her off, see her less. That isn’t what we want. So if you have some helpful suggestions how about you share those instead of insinuating that I must be young and in school with tons of free time on my hands.

1. How OP feeds the baby is none of MIL's business.

2. Who cares for OP's child is none of MIL's business.

3. MIL needs to learn that just because you're a nurse you don't have the right to tell people how to parent their children.

4. By not stopping feeding the baby when she was told, she has demonstrated that she doesn't respect OP or her husbands boundaries. This is not MIL's child. Frankly I'm not surprised that OP doesn't want her to babysit.

Yes, all of you raised children and managed to not poison or kill them. But other people weren't so fortunate. We also know more now than we did back then. "Well, I didn't wear a helmet bikeriding and I never got hurt." I once cared for a young man who spent his 22 birthday unconscious in hospital and died days later due to a severe head injury from a 4-wheeler accident, an injury that might have been prevented had he been wearing a helmet. "Well, I put my babies to sleep on their side and they were fine." Yes, but many weren't. "We didn't have car seats and our kids were fine." Again, good for you, but there are children who were killed in car accidents because they weren't strapped in properly. Guidelines change because knowledge improves.

I have to agree with all the above 4 points from agnurse.

@dontaskme. Thankfully I’m not your dil.

So what if she tries to override a decision about an event my dh and I made together?

So what if she disregards our directive to STOP feeding my child?

Sounds like you think mils should have free reign to do as they please with their grands. And that isn’t happening under my watch.

She needs to learn how to respect us as a couple and as parents.

@agnurse

Yes! Completely agree with all four comments! Especially the part about daycare - it really is no one else’s business and mil needs to butt out.

Any tips on how to make this relationship more amicable?

Best approach I would suggest is to shut her down as things arise.

"MIL, we've got it covered."
"This is not up for discussion."
"Please don't give unsolicited advice."

If she continues, you simply say, "I'm sorry but this visit is over."

Sounds like a jolly family visit. OP staking our her boundaries and barking out her “directives” and DMIL not daring to open her mouth.

Seriously. Any tips?

You obviously detest the woman and I dare say she’s not your biggest fan either. Stick to the one visit a week, but at least try to be cordial for the sake of your poor DH and DC, stuck in the middle.

Of course agnurse that will smooth troubled waters ????

I am sure that there are faults on both sides and getting on with in-laws is a challenge for many if there are personality clashes.

The only way forward is for them to talk to each other and be honest about the things that trouble them. Both have to do their share - OP must be willing to listen, and MIL must also understand that GPs have their role and parents another and the two need to be clear to both parties. There is a mismatch here that needs talking about. And each needs to be clear about where they stand. MIL needs to grasp that she does not have automatic rights to this child and needs to think before she speaks.

Although, as I have said above, letting your dog lick a baby's face is wholly unacceptable and leads me to understand why other forms of day care might be the better option.

But OP needs to grasp that this is going to be a lifelong problem if it is not tackled now.

I feel sorry for both parties.

Maggiemaybe

MIL doesn't need to sit there and say nothing and we're not saying that OP needs to lay out the rules as a lecture. Rather she can just address things as they come up. "MIL we have it covered. Please don't give advice unless we ask for it." That's not an unreasonable request to make. I'm a nurse and I don't have a problem keeping my mouth shut. I just listen and offer advice if I'm asked. When my SILs were pregnant I said I was happy to answer any questions they had but didn't make a nuisance of myself. It's not hard for MIL to simply ask a question such as "How is LO getting on at nursery?" rather than turning it into a passive-aggressive "Well that's because she's just one of many; she'd be SO much better off at my house". What OP's asking for is not unreasonable, and if MIL can't bring herself to follow a few relatively simple boundaries, she shouldn't expect to be able to visit.

Any tips? Try untrusting your knickers

*untwisting.

@florenceN. If keeping my knickers twisted keeps me on my feet and allows me To protect my family from husbands mothers overbearing attitude and interfering ways then twist twist away.

Well, it can't be easy, putting up with a difficult woman......as I'm sure your MIL would testify.

Just listen to yourself Sj0102