Poor relationship with mil

Chewbacca you nailed it!

Incidentally OP I think you’ll find that our MiL’s offered unsolicited advice and all that went with it. It’s not just something that your generation suffered.

We simply smiled and went our own sweet way.

SJ there are so many comments of every hue on here but please remember that we are all unique and come from very different backgrounds and varied experiences. Not all responses will be appropriate to your situation but could probably be tweaked since there is never a one size fits all solution.

I note that someone else doesn't rate the family conference idea but I have seen it work because of the pressure on the trouble maker from the wider family included in the discussions. You never know but everyone may well learn something however small. As Churchill is reported to have said in discussions when at the White House "jaw jaw not war war". I am so sorry when people spoil something as precious as a united family and I am not making any judgement here because I don't know you or your MIL.
I have a very close relationship with my own DDIL whom I love to bits which is based on a shared love of one man and now their children but most of all because she is the most delightful lady and we have great mutual respect. What a blessing! I so hope that you can get to that point in your own family because it is a great joy.

You are so lucky synonymous....I have a similar relationship with one of my d.i.ls but the other one is soooooo difficult

No we havent all been there some of us cope well

From what you say in your post, your main concern is that you fear not being in control. This is common in new Mums which I presume is the case and with your first child.

One thing that we all have to learn is not to take offers of help or others opinions to be criticism, they are so often not.

You can shut out other peoples views by simply shutting the door and not hearing them, but they will still hold those opinions and views of you, and they may not be negative views, as it seems you think in this case they are.

I also found your Husbands insensitivity astounding. What was to be gained from adding yet more fuel to your already well developed animosity towards your MIL, nothing. He may be part of the problem not the solution.

For what it is worth you have rejected the help of a person who so clearly want's to be of help, someone who will love and care for your child because it is their flesh and blood, in favour of strangers who are looking after lots of other children and babies who have no loving connection and are doing it for money. If as I think you might be a controlling person, then doing this you relinquish any control of how your child is treated in nursery. I am sure they will be cared for within the law and health and safety, but how can that compensate for one to one care in your childs own environment with a loving GM? So this leads me to believe that all this is about more than control. I suspect that you feel inadequate and that is making you worry that your ML might do a better job than you. Now if that is the case, no one can take the place of Mum.

If you can see your ML as a loving supporter, of someone who if you ask her to will conform with how you want your child to be brought up, with the odd slip, because that's what Grandparent's do...all normal, then you will give the best to your child, you will feel better about yourself.

I suspect you might not be feeling that good about things right now, and let's face it even your Husband might stop putting a barrier between you and his Mum once he see's that you value her views. You don't have to accept them, but be honest with her and develop a relationship that will benefit your family. It is always easier not to see or talk to people you disagree with or you feel are a threat in some way. But when you are family, it is always better to make good relationships, as far as possible. Don't bring up your child in a family that is disfunctional. You don't want your child in later life to build a dysfunctional family do you? This is what could happen if you set the wrong example now.

There is a lot hinges on how you behave now. Sit down quietly, having read all the good advice and views of you in all these responses on this thread and think about what you are feeling and really analyse those feelings and identify what they are.

I wish you well. You sound very alone and you think that is a good I suspect, because no one disagree's or challenges when you isolate yourself. The downside of alone, is that no one supports, loves or cares. These are your choices. I hope you make the right decisions. Choose happy, not sad, choose love not hate, choose tolerance not intolerance and you will be so much happier.

Best wishes.

Ive read the above my goodness what's ha
Pemex to people getting on, she should be grateful the woman offered to look after her grandson. I work in private day care and it's not cheap!! Sounds like meanest to me I've got dil' sand I keep out of family strife as much as I can.after reading this I will step back further for fear of reprimand.

I am a MIL also and find you have to give and take. I learned lessons from being too nosey, but you do work through it and now have a very good relationship with SIL. I also think you are being very harsh and the poor woman is only trying to help. Are you trying to drive a wedge between your husband and his mother?

I think the question should be "what steps can we both take so we can restore our faith in each other"?

Your post sounds very much like a person who wants to hold all the cards - and to play the game according to your rules and no one else's!

Life isn't like that - and the sooner you come to the realization that all humans are imperfect and have faults - including you - then the sooner you life with your family around you will become more pleasant for everyone. Please - change your attitude and look for the good in everyone and your outlook will be so much more pleasant!

It sounds you are a first time mum . Try to understand that one day, although at present you resent your mil intervention, you may need her .Bring out in the open what you are not happy with but don't make an enemy of her.

@OldMeg you said "Incidentally OP I think you’ll find that our MiL’s offered unsolicited advice and all that went with it. It’s not just something that your generation suffered.

We simply smiled and went our own sweet way."

So, did you like that unsolicited advice? How did it make you feel? Was it welcome? If so, it wasn't really unsolicited, because you'd made it clear you were open to any and all advice she wanted to give.

not everyone feels like you do. Not everyone wants to be told what to do constantly. My counselor said its the best way to destroy respect between you and your adult children and keep them from wanting to be in a warm close relationship with you. The time to mommy them is long over.
They want and need our support first and when they need the advice, they will ask.

Oh dear. It does sound if you are fixed in your dislike of your MIL.

However, she is your husbands mother, and the child IS her grandchild. It seems to me more and more common that new mothers have become very territorial over their children and many mothers in law, especially, have been cast out.

You must consider what your hostility is doing to your husband. He will take sides, and most likely yours. Do you really want a split family? Your MIL might be opinionated but she will also love your little one beyond measure.You can never have enough love imo. Please don't lay down laws and cut her off. Such rifts are hard to heal.

Offer an olive branch maybe? Arrange something for you and dh to share with MIL and FIL. Try not to take umbrage or be offended by her at every turn. See yourself as a peacemaker rather than a rule maker, if you can.

honestly, @Day6 so should his mother consider what her part in this is doing to her son.

I love my son, so I love his wife. She does it all differently than me...who cares?! She and I both love the same man..and soon, we will both be in love with the same baby to come...and she will keep doing it her way...and I will cheer and support and let them lean on me if they need to.
I will not undermine her efforts or their relationship...though I will want to jump in and give advice, I will be a grown up and hold my tongue until they ask.

Why? Because I respect the stink out of my son. I don't want to do anything to emasculate him or put him in the middle of his two best girls, or be a wedge in the most important relationship in his life. He is to be someones's Daddy! I need to stop mommying him and treating him like a boy, so that he can be. This MIL needs to too. She needs to step back, breathe a bit and remember its not her turn anymore...and that she can be a blessing and be welcomed or keep this demanding stuff up and be given boundaries because she is behaving in intrusive ways.

You received some nice advice from agnurse and soontobegram. I think you are wise to use a childcare service. Keep your distance, leave dh to sort.

Over feeding her grandchild and having to be told to stop by her husband is trying to help?? I’m a paediatric healthcare professional a small baby had the stomach of a large nut she could have caused serious harm!! I said in my previous post their are things to do to help but minimising MiL’s behaviour is not going to help their relationship blossom.

Not sure really what i feel about what OP has said....we are only hearing one side of the story here, and the reality never is so one-sided. However, I would come down favouring you against all the rabid grandmothers here who seem to think they have some right to poke their noses into what actually is not their business. By all means offer advice....if it is well-recieved, even if not acted upon or agreed with, then you didn't come over as overbearing or intrusive, and well done for that. But you don't have the right to expect to tell your children or their partners how to raise their children. You had your go, you made your mistakes, and that is what they will do....probably different mistakes, and maybe things which you would have forseen and even avoided, but nevertheless trying to impose your own world-view on another adult is utterly unacceptable. Perhaps there would be fewer grandmothers on here complaining how their children and their partners don't want them around their children if you wound your necks in a bit ladies and respected them and their wishes in the first place?

I love my son, so I love his wife

Well bully for you and that's an ideal situation but unfortunately others may have tried and despite everything, can not get along with their DILs. It's not a happy situation for anyone.

As we are seeing, daughter in laws don't always get along with their MIL, even though they both love the same man, and baby.

I suggested the writer of the post tries offering an olive branch. Do you not forgive people for making mistakes? I am sure the MIL now knows the foolishness of her ways.

I do not see a rift for life being the ideal situation. I also suggested the baby's mother learns to close her ears to unwanted advice (a perennial problem) and doesn't call all the shots. There are ways round family disputes and sometimes it calls for one person to do the 'nice' thing and mend broken bridges if they can.

It's another way of looking at family rows, that's all.

SJ0102
Wow! So thankful I am not your MIL. There are two sides to everything and to be honest, you haven't done yourself any favours with that post !

"bully for you" haha! That response always makes me laugh.

Love is a choice. One we should strive to make everyday. Its not based on feelings or if the people in our lives "behave" to our liking...true love, selfless love's foundation is found deeply dug into respect.

What makes you so sure the mil "now knows the foolishness of her ways"? Doesn't sound like she is self aware at all...or that she is noticing how uncomfortable she is making the entire visit with her wrangling and trying to get the dil do it her way...and that's too bad. That lack of insight is what will keep a wedge between the women...no matter how bent over backwards to accommodate her the dil bends herself. If the mil wants a better relationship, she will start giving herself boundaries and her dil freedom from her own ways of doing things...if she just wants to be in charge...she should keep up what she's doing, but it wont bring her the satisfaction she longs for.

I will never understand why so many mils sacrifice relationship because they only want to control things that really don't matter in the long run? Foolish and heartbreaking. The relationship could be so rich and full...

Before leaping in to condemn MIL for overfeeding this baby, has anyone else wondered how this was physically possible? The child's exclusively breastfed, we're told, though actually he/she's not, as he/she is given 5oz I'd supplement daily (whatever this may be). Presumably this is given as a measured dose, so how could she have given the baby too much? Especially as, at the time of the alleged overfeeding incident, MIL was surrounded by her DH, her DS, and of course her DDIL, all ordering her to stop.

So... How did this happen? What exactly did MIL give the baby? And how did she get away with it with everyone looking on?

Mum should be in charge of her child and home, there is no need for mil to input at all against new mum.

I think this post is a wind up to put the cat amongst the pigeons, as it is obvious mil is just doing her best and film is bring a diva.

"it is obvious mil is just doing her best and film is bring a diva."
Fascinating....
Why? Why is that whats obviously going on?

I will never understand why so many mils sacrifice relationship because they only want to control things that really don't matter in the long run?

Sadly, there are many, many posts on GN from MILs who have no idea why their DILs are so controlling and creating divides. Whole families are split, many grandparents being completely cast adrift. I am sure many DILs wish their MILs were more accommodating too.

It takes two to tango but the gist of my post is for the DIL (who sounds quite controlling unfortunately) to make amends if she possibly can. She might not be able to. I accept that.

Family rifts hurt so many people. Given this is a forum for Grandparents, so many of the posts are from people who no longer see their grandchildren and some don't even know why they've been cut off. They are very sad to read.

Life is short. Tongue-biting and olive branches are useful.

I agree, tongue biting and olive branches are so useful! Once trust is broken, it will require patience and purposed change, but wounded relationships by in large can be healed when motivated by selfless love and respect!