Poor relationship with mil

Have you said how old your child is, OP? Someone asked way back in the thread. It's just that some advice is being tailored as if to a very new mum, yet your worries about wanting screen time to be limited doesn't tie in with this.

As a MIL, and a GM, I gave my D & SIL space when they had there first son 16 years ago. I was actively involved with caring for him but at first, could not take him out on my own. A friends intervention changed what was an over protective reaction rather than any concerns over my ability to care for him on my own.
2nd son arrived 4 years later and they were both more relaxed. I still gave them the space and respect as parents to know what's best, according to current trends, often through gritted teeth.
Ds 1 & 2 followed and by now I'm the sole surviving GP, D & SIL are much more relaxed with their responsibilities and we have a good, close relationship.

For the OP, my daughter never let me take No 1 son out on my own for around 4 months. Until a friend asked her one very relevant question - As a mother did I ever intentionally hurt, starve or push her/him under a bus? Did I ever neglect her/him?"

Your MIL raised your son to be the man you fell in love with, married and had his son.
Given that it Is your First, I assume, and you are feeling a tad overprotective, what has she done, apart from offering "out of date advice" that causes you to be so hostile?
Why not invite her to a 'play day' at a local park and let her play with him, under your watchful eye. Meet for a coffee, lunch or tea, somewhere neutral, and let her push the pram. Then, when you realise that MIL isn't the ogre you've painted her, let her gradually care for him on her own while you relax.
Or if she really is an ogre, at least you've tried to include her.

Agnurse has good tips about boundaries.

I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my MIL for the reasons you describe. My kids are now adult and late teens so have had plenty of time to try different approaches. I think the problem is fundamentally that we are still viewed as children to be told what to do.

DH has had to do a lot of boundary setting. He tends to fly off the handle now, which is less than helpful, but I leave him to it.

At times things have been good - and I thought we had boundaries sorted but then it seems to go wrong again. I think this is related to things in MIL’s life rather than mine.

For a long time I thought I could change things and fix it. Accepting that I couldn’t (actually had a load of counselling to get to that point) meant that the pressure was off, it stopped making me feel ill, all began to wash over me and put relationship improved.

Things have been not great recently (dh flying off the handle pretty much every time we meet il’s due to boundary trampling ) but we have some very major stresses in our life at the moment. These are so big that I feel I don’t have the time, energy or attention to engage in petty point scoring or games. So I leave them to it and head off to read a book, walk the dog or have a cup of tea. It works quite well as a strategy tbh as there’s nothing to rail against (but my kids are grown up or older so easier to do).

I also try to view the situation from afar. So I may be driven mad by some behaviour but I look and observe and recognise (& remind myself) where MIL has acted kindly and considerately. It benefits me as well (reduces the blood pressure )

But as a strategy I would say do your own thing, don’t discuss your decisions and disengage enough that you don’t get irritated

Luckygirl. My sentiments entirely. Young mum doing all the right things being undermind by a very obviously overbearing MiL. Many frankly nasty replies on here not helpful at all.Obviously many of you forget how it is with a new baby and the stress and anxiety involved. Frankly some replies sound like the nightmare MiL described.

Grow up, shut up and be grateful she's offering childcare

OP does come across as inflexible and a bit overbearing but, as usual, we are only getting one side of the story, perhaps her experience with her own mother makes her attitude more understandable. Gummybears, as a young mum with MiL issues, makes some good points. My sympathy is with those of you who have no contact with GC - my heart goes out to you.

Nezumi, reading your post I thought I could do with boundary counselling. I also note what you say about present differences and send best wishes to you and yours.

About boundaries, perhaps the mother in law actually knows something about child care which is really quite important. I too trained as a nurse , long ago , and much of my knowledge is by now out of date. Some nurses then were unpleasantly bossy . Nursing the sick child then was about sick children and their specialised care not about normal child care. Nonetheless maybe the mother in law is on to something that does matter and should overstep the normal polite social boundaries for the sake of the child.

My own mother seldom if ever interfered , and my mother in law was more than good enough and I felt safe with her. I do hope that I could have listened to either of them if they had ever insisted that what I was doing was wrong.

Perhaps the question should be "what steps can YOU take" in order to trust your MIL. Your dislike/distrust of this lady is obvious. Simple way, try giving her a break. It's not a competition to be best mummy ever.

Yes child rearing methods change and some of us oldies did stuff differently. So what! The odd afternoon of being spoilt by their grandparents never did any harm.

Feeling very sorry for your DH. Seems you wooooo want to distance him from his own mother. You're being very short-sighted at best .... Or bloody rude at worst! Try to repair the rift you've created ......

I do feel quite sad for your mother in law. A piece of advice my dear old Mum gave to me when I was complaining about my own MiL, was to remember that it was her good parenting skills that had produced the man I had fallen in love with. She sounds as if she is desperate to love your little one and between you and your husband you are determined to thwart her. Your husband is game playing when he reports back to you that she ask him to keep a confidence. Think ahead, you may well appreciate her help in the future and as a bit of karma, when you become a grandmother this may come back to bite you. Show some love and respect.

I don't think we do, jenpax. We might not always agree with how our Dil does things, but as someone on here has said "it takes a whole village to bring up a child". How much money is the OP spending on daycare? Let's say 8 hours per day at £5 pH. For 2 children over 3 days that could be £240 pw. Three days is too much for a GM, but one day pw would still be useful, surely. People (including GM's) like to feel needed and useful. I would be heartbroken if I was this GM. Absolutely devastated!

I suspect most of the replies so far have come from those who haven't had the misfortune to have a MIL like yours. I had one who sounds just like yours. Fortunately she lived far enough away that she didn't offer daycare but I'd have found it difficult to accept. She had very strong views about feeding and approached my daughter with a finger full of honey when she was being exclusively breast fed and only a few weeks old! I had to say a very firm NO! She was constantly quoting 'her paediatrician' despite the fact that things had changed greatly in the almost 30 years since she became a mother. I managed to keep a reasonable relationship with her but it was never easy. I have less contact now as I'm divorced from her son, but when her other DIL had her first child she regularly contacted me for advice as she and MIL had a very poor relationship. She was so critical of the other DIL it almost broke up the marriage and I know she tried to persuade my ex to look for 'someone younger and slimmer' before we were married.!
After my son's wedding an old friend of my DIL's family who sat near her at the reception told me "She seems very nice but she is very opinionated!"
You have my sympathy but you will have to work hard to try to have a good relationship for the sake of your DH and child. Perhaps you'll be able to trust her as your child gets a bit older and food rules become less strict and significant. Don't burn all your boats as grandparents are important for children, and your DH needs her too.
Having said that, my own grown up DD now has issues with my MIL. She usually only sees her once a year and often gets upset by something. She has said some very thoughtless and hurtful things on occasion over the years so my DD is reluctant to spend time with her as a result. MIL suggests she'd like to visit but as they live about 500 miles apart it wouldn't be a brief visit so DD declines as she couldn't cope with her for long! She is now her only living grandparent but is alienating her by her interfering and offensive remarks. She mad critical remarks about my son's wife's choice of career but so far nothing personally offensive to either of them. My children mostly just tolerate her now.

Love and respect goes both ways

OP, be careful. If these situations persist you would be surprised how much of a wedge they drive into a marriage. Compared to harmonious relationships in families, disharmony can take on an an exaggerated importance over and above the reality of it.

I am shocked by the aggression and rudeness towards the OP I’ve read here.
I’m an antenatal teacher and many of my colleagues are breastfeeding counsellors.
One of the biggest obstacles to successful BF is undoubtedly the older generation - our generation- who think they know everything and have not found out the latest research. There was a lot of wrong advice around for mothers when we were young, not based on the science of BF or baby’s needs. And the very worst kind of person to have around is someone who thinks she knows everything because back in the day she had a professional qualification which she hasn’t updated for decades and which isn’t even relevant: being a nurse does not alone make anyone qualified to advise on infant feeding.
There is nothing, nothing more personal and emotional to a new mother than how she feeds her baby.
I suspect the more aggressive responses I’ve read here are from people who haven’t given any thought to how invaded and violated this OP clearly feels by her MIL’s constant undermining of the way she’s chosen to feed her baby. The MIL should have been supportive and full of praise, but by being overbearing and critical, she’s really got her relationship with her GC off to a bad start.
The OP on the other hand could try harder to meet her half way. She could try educating her - give her a copy of Amy Brown’s Breastfeeding Uncovered or Kate Evans’ The Food of Love, or point her to BF baby growth charts. I agree she ought certainly to invite MIL to look after GC on a regular basis - she needs to take a deep breath and accept that this is granny, she’s going to be part of the child’s life and deserves to be. She needs to work a bit harder at communicating how she wants her child cared for and importantly try to find common ground with her MIL.
But frankly, having been the recipient of quite similar intrusive, ignorant and manipulative MIL behaviour when my daughter had anorexia, I am on the OP’s side. I recognise all the bad signs: trying to drive a wedge between the OP and her partner...refusing to learn about the issues yet insisting she knows best...this is toxic behaviour and I cannot blame the OP for wanting to put distance between herself and her MIL at this vulnerable and emotional time of her life.

OP, be careful. If these situations persist you would be surprised how much of a wedge they drive into a marriage

That’s why it’s important to come to an agreement with your dh about what is acceptable behaviour from in laws (both sides). Dh and I used to have rows in the early days about his mum, and to a lesser extent, my dad. We now prioritise each other over our parents.

I never expected such difficulties. My mum got on very well with her MIL

I had a terrible time with my MiL dictating how I should look after my firstborn. She was rude and nasty to me, but I was very patient with her. She had early onset dementia. I don’t know how old the OP’s MiL is, but bear in mind that there might be health issues.

Someone has asked for advice on here and has been showered with verbal abuse ! Even if you don’t agree with what has been said, why the need for such vitriol ?? Can’t you just politely ask her to be empathetic and look at her own behaviour ?? I am a daughter, Mum, MIL, Nanny ... and I know what it’s like to have an overpowering Mum who just wants to control everything, it wears you down. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is, they know better and undermine every decision you make. I tried everything, sitting talking and letting her know how she made me feel etc all to no avail. I was told she has been around a lot longer than me etc So I became assertive, thanks for the advice but .... and did my own thing anyway. I still to this day pick my topics of conversation so I don’t unleash a tirade of advice and instructions on what I should/should not be doing. The sad bit is that they do mean well, but just won’t see that it’s controlling behaviour, they cannot see where helping ends and interfering begins and know no subtle distinction that they are being so overbearing. My Mum still hasn’t accepted that at the age of 66 that I am entitled to my own opinions if they differ from hers ! So many chats end up quite fraught. I would advise that you try to let her know how you feel, then if that fails, just be kind and empathetic.....but assertive.

It must be difficult if you do not like your MiL or she be very keen on you. However you both have something in common. You both love your dh/her ds and his/your baby. She will be desperate to have access to the baby. You never know when you may need her help. Nurseries won't take babies who are unwell and if you work full time you won't be able to take off a day every time your child sneezes, vomits has a cold etc. You may be very glad that your MiL loves the baby and is prepared to care for him. Why not invite your MiL over when your dh is present and show her how you want your baby cared for? Then ask her if she would like to have baby one day a week and she how it goes. I would warn her in advance she must do things your way but tell her if she does that, she will earns your trust and could have him for 3 days each week, It will save you a lot of money and allow your child and MiL to bond. Work as a team and show a united front. Your dh will love your more for making his life easier and your baby will be happy too. Please try to meet MiL half way and give her a chance.

My Mum still hasn’t accepted that at the age of 66 that I am entitled to my own opinions if they differ from hers

Yup. This is where it usually goes wrong. It’s incredibly difficult to be around someone who will not accept you are entitled to your own opinions. In politics etc you deal with it by switching off and letting it wash over you, but you can’t do that when it relates to the care of your child. Hence it being such a flashpoint for families.

In a nutshell Chewbacca !!!

In this instance This OP doesn’t want advice just validation for her harsh and unyielding stance.

I feel very sorry for your poor husband.

@newnanny. I do not plan on leaving my 5 month old with her ever as things currently stand. I just don’t trust her to follow my wishes and her constant undermining is unacceptable.

Sure. Maybe in the future she and my mom can take turns watching him if he is sick - although dh and I have an excellent sick day package with work. But she will only be asked once things start to change

@mabon1. Be grateful that she’s offering to be a persistent boundary stomper in my child’s life?

100% pro childcare. She will never be taken up on her offer as it will only make a bad situation worse.

Sj0102

I think you are a very fair daughterinlaw....wish mine was like you....firm but fair. Mothers and MILs should know their place....don't expect too much . Be glad of whatever contact you gave with your GC ....don't push it.

EBF stands for exclusively breast fed. This is highly recommended these days and is also the most natural and healthiest for both baby and mother. Breast fed babies are unlikely to develop into obese children and longer term breast feeding has a protective effect for the mother against breast cancer. If this gran is a trained nurse, still practising in the 21st century she should know this and be supporting her daughter-in-law rather than sabotaging her efforts by giving the baby other food. It's no wonder she is not trusted for day care or outings without the parents.