Son and GF have cut us off

It is very sad when you have to play a game of tactics with your own child, instead of just being open, honest and natural, but sadly I think that in some cases it has to be done. 'Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen'!

Well not really, but in order to progress, they need to realise that they need you at least as much as you need them.

I was being emotionally blackmailed to give money, possibly still am. It is so hard to step back, but sometimes it is all you can do. Horrible to have to play games, but in my case I feel that I need to play the long game.

Ah kids, they break your bank balance and then they break your heart. I have no words of comfort to offer except look after yourselves. Put yourselves first for once.

Reading your post I am just wondering if you have almost done too much, they have no doubt been enjoying all the free food and did you really buy everything for the new baby it sounds a little overwhelming. When you called a bit of a halt and you didn't see them since Christmas it must have been rather confusing. On their side they have gone completely overboard breaking off contact and issuing ultimatums. I would let a little time go by and then try and visit, I do understand your mobility problems, or offer a meal out, good luck.

It sounds like the GF has grown up with volatile relationships with her family and the drama is what she needs or is used to. I suspect your son is worried about upsetting her because she has his child and is desperate to make things work. My advice would be to write to them as a couple explaining the difficulties you have but would like to suggest an alternative setting so you can see your grandchild. If this is not acceptable just tell them you love them and will always be there for them but will leave it to them to decide on their path of action. Or ask them to tell you exactly what it is they need from you so that you are able to discern their dissatisfaction. Perhaps ask for a meeting and 'listen' to their point of view. Don't be dismissive of their feelings in a rush to validate your actions but ask how you could have done things differently so they didn't feel the way they did. Often when you put the ball back in their court, it can highlight issues you were completely unaware of particularly with damaged young people who have not been used to dealing rationally with their emotions.
One thing that strikes me from one of your posts is that you say that your Daughter would do lots of chores when she visited. Is it possible that this has inadvertently been seen as judgemental about their lifestyle? Sometimes we believe we are being helpful but others see it as criticism.
Good luck with whatever you decide though, it is never nice to feel excluded when you feel you have given your all.

Posting in upper case is shouting. Why did you feel the need to shout at the OP damewithaname and are you implying that by sharing her story and asking for advice here on GN is the same as gossiping to the family about her son's GF?

It's a terrible thing to be cut off by your own AC and as a consequence to be cut out of the life of your GC.

Personally, there's more to this story I think.

Maybe back track...hah you shown favouritism to others, indirectly insulted her, DO YOU GOSSIP TO THE FAMILY ABOUT HER?

I am so glad I do not have to watch my Ps and Qs! Being the only one who drives and has a car might be part of the reason! Whilst I tend to be somewhat laid back, woe betides anyone who ruffles my feathers! There would certainly be some plain speaking! I've driven away before leaving them in the lurch when their behaviour has not been acceptable! I won't have to do it again! You have to make the decision whether you call the shots or they do but you have to accept the consequences!

have I missed it or has the op not yet said how new the baby is?

I think thats relevant!

If the dust has settled then this could be more serious than if its very new first time parents gone a bit temporarily loopy in the process of trying to find their feet!

Pinny4

In fairness, we do not know it's the GF who is orchestrating this. It could be a joint decision. I'm always somewhat suspicious when someone insists it must be the new partner that's behind this.

We do not know the whole story here. I would suggest the OP just back off and wait to be invited. If she does want to do something, I suggest putting together a "memory box" for her GC. This would be things such as cards for special occasions that she would fill out and keep, and could then share with the GC if she has contact at a later date.

That's awful for you. Don't know what to suggest. But hopefully it's all down to stresses of a new baby and maybe as things get easier for them they will be more reasonable. And chances are, if DIL has had rocky relationship with her mother, it may go downhill again in time and they will turn back to you. Hang in there. I wish you well.

NANYKÁY....Sorry you have anxiety.
I know what that can be like and used the following natural items to help.
1. BACH Rescue Remedy is good but look at the list of other BACH flower remedies for a specific one for anxiety.

The other one is IGNATIA in the range of natural salts that dissolve on the tongue. I can't remember the name of the range but a pharmacist will know.

I wish you well with your ŕelationship problems and don't think you should give in to any
"emotional blackmail"

Some people are just unbelievably
Selfish & Thoughtless.....I know from
personal experience.

It's probably her parents that are stirring up trouble, get on with your own life, send birthday and Christmas cards, invite them to your place occasionally, but no more.
"There is nowt so queer as folk" they will either come round or they won't, but big dissapointment.

How strange they complain you don't see them often enough then say the punishment will be you don't get to see them at all. This rather defeats the stated object doesn't it? So I feel there is another agenda playing out here.

I am seeing a picture of a possessive controlling gf, possibly but not necessarily encouraged by her mother, who wants to either make a rift between you and your son or bring yourselves under her control also.
I see your son idolises her and the baby and will be her willing obedient slave.
I hope I am wrong. Gf must see you are doomed to failure because of your panic attacks so is that cruel or what?

Tell your son the threat/ultimatum places you in an impossible position and that you want to see them often but are relying on him to bring them over. You mustn't let yourself be blackmailed.

Terrible how DGC are often used as pawns in these sort of ‘games’ isn’t it?
Is this a new phenomena?
Never heard of all this emotional blackmail used in the past.
Women didn’t always like their MIL or even their own parents all that much, but dutifully visited and never stopped DGC seeing them.

I will add ungrateful 'little blighters'

Actually, 'alienated' is a better word than 'estranged' (even though I am that too!)

I am one of the 'estranged parents/grandparents' and it's utterly, utterly heartbreaking. I am at my wits' end trying to understand my heartless children - and this sort of situation is rife I can tell you...! Selfish little blighters...!

What a horrible pair!
I am with your DH on this one, though I fully realise that as a mother/grandmother your feelings will be running deep.
There is nothing you can do.
|Keep on trying to make contact with this hapless two will just be boosting their ego's.
Your son should be ashamed of himself.

Just a thought, are they aware of how difficult it is for you to visit them or have you put a brave face on so they don’t know you’re struggling? If they don’t realise they may think you are expecting them to come to you all the time rather than it being easier for you if they came to you. (Hope that makes sense!).

Unless there is somehting to this story you are not telling us, which is highly unlikely, your DS and his GF are being totally unreasonable, ungrateful and cruel. However, sadly, as I see from many threads on Gransnet, it is not altogether uncommon these days. I extend the utmost sympathy.

I agree with those posters who advise to offer goodwill politely but to back off. Your trust, help and money will be taken for granted and your sympathy abused which will not do your emotional well being any good.

It will not be much comfort but I have a similar predicament. My sister, who was very close, pretty much rejected my mother and myself when she married in favour of her new MIL and SIL. It was very hard being made something of an outcast, particularly when she blamed me for things which were her own fault and generally vented her ire with her new family on me - a double irony.

My solution has been to withdraw but to remain friendly. Whenever she sends me a venting and spiteful email I send a kind and emollient one back.

I conclude that some people are just horrible and this is usually when they think you need them more than they need you and when they think they can get away with it.

Thank you everyone for your support, it’s good to know I’m not alone. My DH has washed his hands of the whole thing, says they will need us first, but I have always been close to my son, perhaps that’s part of the problem. Her mother is very possessive, maybe being close to my son makes his gf nervous. She doesn’t need to be, he adores her and the baby. It’s my first GC ad I love being a nana, and my DD loves being an auntie. She went to visit them a few times, always phoned first, they only live 20 minuets walk away, but she was made to feel in the way, even though she did loads of chores to help them, but has stopped going. I can contact my son on messenger, GF has blocked all of us, but he can take days to reply, and when he does it’s polite, if I ask if I might see them, it’s always maybe he will let me know then silence for a few weeks until I message him again.

I keep busy, but it’s always there at the back f my mind.

Do they refuse to come to say, Sunday lunch if someone picks them up? If so, I think you have to accept that they are no longer interested in you now that they don’t need your help. Mother in law is different because she probably feels that she can drop in uninvited and not take no for an answer. This is the way it so often is with a son and his family.

For now, I would concentrate on the family members who show their love for you without laying down conditions or wanting something in return. You helped your son and girlfriend them when they needed it, let the love and generosity you showed then be its own reward, and sad though it is, move on.

It will be hard for them to live two floors up when they need to use a pushchair, hopefully in time they will be able to move and you will be able to visit and get to know your grandchild, but don’t let them blackmail you.

It's really hard to get on with your life when you feel alienated from loved ones. I do understand.

There is the constant questioning of what I may have done to deserve this and sometimes missing them and my DGS is a very real pain in my chest.

It's hard to be brave in these circumstances, but console yourself by knowing that you are a good person and did all you could to help them. You have nothing to prove.

I just send cards for my family and put money away for my grandchildren. I try to phone at birthdays and Christmas and even though I now know, after a year and a half, that I won’t get an answer, at least I’m trying. I think we just have to be non confrontational, wait, and hold onto hope. It’s heartbreaking but all we can do.

There are times when enough is never enough for some people. I fail to see you haven't done anything other than be supportive to those ungrateful people .Don't contact them as much as it may hurt you. Let them come to you. At least you have DD and DS on your side .Waving the white flag at the' others' will only let them see they can treat you as they like.