Son and GF have cut us off

That's sad. In this case I would suggest asking what they would like you to do to prove your love for them? I would not suggest reminding them how much you've done for them. Yes, you've done a lot - more than would be expected. But if you throw it in their faces you'll likely get nowhere.

If it's hard for you to get to their home, is it possible for them to come to you? Or for you to meet them in public somewhere?

If they do decide to cut you off, I would suggest sending a final letter. You could tell them that you respect their decision and that you won't contact them again, but the door is always open to them. Then wait and don't contact them again.

It will be hard. It's always hard. In the meantime I suggest staying busy. If you're really struggling, a visit to a licensed therapist could be helpful.

I would back off for a while Nannykay give yourself time to relax and enjoy life a little.
Hopefully your son and family wil have time to reflect as well. Then maybe you could arrange to meet for a meal or coffee somewhere neutral.
Don't let resentment of the other grandparents spoil your relationship. If you read some of the threads about estrangement on here you will see how unhappy some people are.
Good luck.

I'm truly sorry to read about this relationship breakdown in your family Nannykay.

I agree with agnurse that you shouldn't remind them of all the support you've given but I disagree that you should ask what you should do to prove your love.

Having given so much practical, financial and emotional support, what more could you possibly do?

I would do as sodapop has suggested and back off and hopefully given time your son will contact you.

There is a thread on the Relationships forum for those who are estranged from family members. Yes, those who live with this do express their unhappiness but essentially we are there to offer one another support. As an estranged parent and GP I've found the friendship and support available invaluable.

Unhappiness because of being cut off sadly goes with the territory. Resentment is understandable in the early days, but it's the loss of a much loved child and GC that underpins the sadness.

I wish you well and hope that there will be a resolution for you.

Is there an open space , a park with coffee shop maybe local to them . If so then I would consider arranging a meet up for coffee and a meander around the park. If they don't take you up on it then I would probably just sit back and get on with my own life and wait for them to get in touch with you which will be when her relationship with her mum turns sour again.
Some people can only deal with one friendship \relationship at a time and I feel sad for the people who are like that and for the people who they dump at the drop of a hat.
As for them saying prove you love them ...that is emotional blackmail.

Good advice from others here - probably best just to leave them alone for a while and hope things will improve.

I think sometimes the more help you give, the more likely the receiver will end up resenting you. Hard to understand, but it seems to be quite common.

I dont think it would be healthy for yourself to do what they say & jump through hoops to "prove" your love! thats dangerous territory.

How old is the baby? if its a newborn, ride out the storm. Emotions run high the first year. Keep calling to see how they are & invite them to yours as usual but I dont think you should go down the rabbit hole of "proving" your love. Just keep communication open x

Prove your love? Good grief!
You have already done that, I can’t believe some people!
Wait for things to cool down, but remember you are not the ones at fault, that would be them.
See what your son says.

Smileless

I can definitely see your point. My thought was that it might be helpful to see exactly what their expectations are. What do they want?

I agree they're likely being selfish and definitely if it were my child I wouldn't be giving any additional money, for example. But I was thinking more in terms of, is it a concern that the OP can't come to their home and they have to do all the visiting, for example? Can it then be arranged that they meet somewhere in the middle?

Nannykay, What's all this about 'making an effort' and proving your love for them. Gosh, haven't you done enough for them? How ungrateful .....I have a couple of them in my family...one of my d,i.l. ....never appreciative of my efforts or my generosity. Enough is enough...let them go to her mother and see how she fares there. All the best Nannykay xx

I too think it might be best to back off for a bit. Keep the history of the relationship to yourselves

Every so often, perhaps, send a note suggesting coffee in the park or something similar. Days are long with babies.

Your husband could try the offer of an occasional pint with your son. (or something similar)

No recrimination, No asking why. Just let them fit in with you each time. If they refuse. then leave it for another month or so. Get on with your own life. And see if there is anything to be done about the panic attacks. Wishing you well.

Reading this thread ( and others like it previously) it’s hard to believe that there are such awful “ adult” kids out there that show their parents so little love and respect. They don’t even sound mature enough to be parents themselves, if they think that it’s ok to treat you so badly, and so hurtful for you as you have done so much for them. They do not even have the maturity to talk to you and explain why they feel the way they do. I personally would have to make some contact, by phone, email, letter ?? And try calmly to get to the bottom of it, that’s the logical approach ... even tho their behaviour is quite illogical. I wish you luck ?

It is very sad , especially when there is a child involved , you must feel terrible . I think they must be very young and immature. I wouldn't jump through any hoops for them or this behaviour is like to continue as they expect the whole world to revolve round them.

Could it be the other Nan causing trouble?
When my daughter and son in law decided to get married, his mother tried to dictate details for their wedding. Unfortunately for her my daughter is very strong minded and an argument ensued. 3 months later, on my advice, my daughter apologized for swearing and losing her temper. MIL took it as a full apology and we'd often smile about it together, but the wedding ran smoothly.
Then trouble reared its head again when my D was pregnant for the second time. MIL met me in town, design or accident, after the scan and told me that my D was having a boy! I smiled sweetly and just said,
"Yes, she told me. Isn't it wonderful?" and walked away. SIL and D were furious but didn't intervene, thankfully.
Those are just two incidents, but patience and staying outside their differences won the day. Sadly I am now my GCs only surviving grandparent. Only the eldest, 16, knew both of them.

As has been said, back off and leave them too it. It does seem that the more you do the more it is taken for granted. I dont understand why it should be the case but I have seen it happen time and time again. When parental love is hard to come by it seems to be more greatly valued. I would send them cards for birthdays, phone from time to time and see how things pan out. You can't make people love and care for you, it is just not possible.

How did you get the message that you should prove your love, and have your DH,DD and DS visited them without you before you were all cut off?
It is an unfortunate fact of live that certain individuals use their children as weapons of hurt and control.

Selfish people! I don't think I'd want to stay in contact with them. This pair have never grown up.

There are times when enough is never enough for some people. I fail to see you haven't done anything other than be supportive to those ungrateful people .Don't contact them as much as it may hurt you. Let them come to you. At least you have DD and DS on your side .Waving the white flag at the' others' will only let them see they can treat you as they like.

I just send cards for my family and put money away for my grandchildren. I try to phone at birthdays and Christmas and even though I now know, after a year and a half, that I won’t get an answer, at least I’m trying. I think we just have to be non confrontational, wait, and hold onto hope. It’s heartbreaking but all we can do.

It's really hard to get on with your life when you feel alienated from loved ones. I do understand.

There is the constant questioning of what I may have done to deserve this and sometimes missing them and my DGS is a very real pain in my chest.

It's hard to be brave in these circumstances, but console yourself by knowing that you are a good person and did all you could to help them. You have nothing to prove.

Do they refuse to come to say, Sunday lunch if someone picks them up? If so, I think you have to accept that they are no longer interested in you now that they don’t need your help. Mother in law is different because she probably feels that she can drop in uninvited and not take no for an answer. This is the way it so often is with a son and his family.

For now, I would concentrate on the family members who show their love for you without laying down conditions or wanting something in return. You helped your son and girlfriend them when they needed it, let the love and generosity you showed then be its own reward, and sad though it is, move on.

It will be hard for them to live two floors up when they need to use a pushchair, hopefully in time they will be able to move and you will be able to visit and get to know your grandchild, but don’t let them blackmail you.

Thank you everyone for your support, it’s good to know I’m not alone. My DH has washed his hands of the whole thing, says they will need us first, but I have always been close to my son, perhaps that’s part of the problem. Her mother is very possessive, maybe being close to my son makes his gf nervous. She doesn’t need to be, he adores her and the baby. It’s my first GC ad I love being a nana, and my DD loves being an auntie. She went to visit them a few times, always phoned first, they only live 20 minuets walk away, but she was made to feel in the way, even though she did loads of chores to help them, but has stopped going. I can contact my son on messenger, GF has blocked all of us, but he can take days to reply, and when he does it’s polite, if I ask if I might see them, it’s always maybe he will let me know then silence for a few weeks until I message him again.

I keep busy, but it’s always there at the back f my mind.

Unless there is somehting to this story you are not telling us, which is highly unlikely, your DS and his GF are being totally unreasonable, ungrateful and cruel. However, sadly, as I see from many threads on Gransnet, it is not altogether uncommon these days. I extend the utmost sympathy.

I agree with those posters who advise to offer goodwill politely but to back off. Your trust, help and money will be taken for granted and your sympathy abused which will not do your emotional well being any good.

It will not be much comfort but I have a similar predicament. My sister, who was very close, pretty much rejected my mother and myself when she married in favour of her new MIL and SIL. It was very hard being made something of an outcast, particularly when she blamed me for things which were her own fault and generally vented her ire with her new family on me - a double irony.

My solution has been to withdraw but to remain friendly. Whenever she sends me a venting and spiteful email I send a kind and emollient one back.

I conclude that some people are just horrible and this is usually when they think you need them more than they need you and when they think they can get away with it.

Just a thought, are they aware of how difficult it is for you to visit them or have you put a brave face on so they don’t know you’re struggling? If they don’t realise they may think you are expecting them to come to you all the time rather than it being easier for you if they came to you. (Hope that makes sense!).

What a horrible pair!
I am with your DH on this one, though I fully realise that as a mother/grandmother your feelings will be running deep.
There is nothing you can do.
|Keep on trying to make contact with this hapless two will just be boosting their ego's.
Your son should be ashamed of himself.