Underlying worries

Thank you for that Smileless. You’ve hit the nail on the head about nagging doubt etc. Today is a new day and I have decided to concentrate on being grateful for what I have rather than judging this and that. After all my son has grown up to be a responsible and caring adult and is trying to keep everyone happy. So new day more positive thoughts, thank you x

marlowlady it's difficult when there's a nagging doubt that wont go away. As others have said, it must be a strange dynamic for your son's GF especially being pregnant for the first time.

Knowing what the set up was before moving in wont necessarily have prepared her for living with her BF and his mum.

I understand that you feel on the periphery which is to to be expected when our AC settle down with a partner, but more difficult to deal with when you feel this way in your own home.

You all have a wonderful and exciting arrival on the horizon. You're going to be a GMso try and put your nagging doubt to one side so you can enjoy this new addition to the family.

I wish you all well.

A few very unhelpful messages here when I thought it would help to share a difficult time with others of a similar age, which is what I thought these forums were for. Thanks for all the helpful messages but those not so helpful thanks for your lack of compassion and understanding. Sometimes there is a much bigger picture to people’s concerns.

It's possible that your DIL is an introvert and doesn't feel the need to be in constant communication. Sometimes people aren't quiet to be rude; they're simply taciturn.

For goodness sake.....don't be so possessive. Let them be!!

"It just feels weird I guess being separated in such a way that I really do feel on the periphery a lot of the time, rather than included but I guess its only natural and that may well change when the baby comes along! "

Marlowlady you ARE on the periphery - if they didn't live in the same house as you then you wouldn't be so involved, which is how it should be. They are a young couple expecting their first baby and it must be very difficult for them, especially for the Gf.
Please don't expect anything to change when the baby arrives - they will want and need their own space and you need to live your own life too, which it sounds as though you are doing by working, seeing friends etc. They may well welcome your help but please don't expect too much or for things to change.

Yes, I always knew this would come but I guess I thought it would be much easier than it is. We brought the house due to circumstances at the time and I was paying out nearly £1,000 per month in rent so at the time it seemed a sensible idea (an idea which was his and it took a lot of persuading for me to agree to it because of things like this). Dividing the house too much is not an option and its the division that I actually find difficult. Saying that, its been a good day today and I often wonder if I am making too much out of the whole situation rather than just accepting it. Thanks to all for your input.

It must be hard for her living with a prospective mother in law in the house, marlowlady and equally hard for you hearing so many bits and pieces you really shouldn’t know anything about
Did you buy a house with your son for financial reasons? Did you not think he would get a girlfriend/ fiancée/ wife I just find it a bit different I can’t imsgine ever buying a house when one of my children were starting out in life as I would have expected all sorts of shenanigans I wouldn’t want to know about ie girlfriends or boyfriends being brought home, late nights, maybe even parties or co habitating which wouldn’t have been comforting to me to know about but perfectly normal not to know about
But as others have said it is what it is so make the house as divided as possible so they don’t share your space bar kitchen and bathroom and you there’s and let him buy you out as soon as he can
At least you won’t have to go far for babysitting duties ?

Thanks OldMeg what you say is much like what I tell myself ! The funny thing is when she is more communicative I am fond of her. It’s just the lack of warmth and strain of trying to communicate on days when she doesn’t even seem to want to make much effort. It is as it is as I need to make the best of the situation but it is hard.

It’s hard living with others. It’s hard for you and for the GF. I know as I’ve been in that situation and these feelings are normal. She will be feeling the same I imagine.

For better or for worse the situation is as it is. She is expecting your grandchild so you are going to have to do the very best you can. Things coupd get worse before they get better with a baby on the way. I can tell you’re not happy with the arrangement and you’re not fond of her, but (unless you can bring the move forward ..and you say not) you’re stuck with the situation..

You can either be a stumbling block or a stepping stone...meaning you can make things worse or be a help.

It’ll be difficult, there will be times when you feel like a stranger in your own house. But invite friends round, make your life interesting and fun.

I always try to look at things from another’s perspectives. My son was only with his GF for a few months, moved her in and after a few more months she fell pregnant. She knew the deal before she moved in because the house belongs to both of us. I guess it may well settle down soon because it has to for the time being.

Try looking at it from the GF's point of view.She moved in with her boyfriend she probably didn't count on getting his mother as part of the package.Not sure I'd have liked the first few years of my marriage played out under my MIL's nose...and I love her dearly.Maybe this young woman feels as if her life is under scrutiny by you and thats why she's hard to understand .

Its funny you should say that Nannarose .. because we do have separate spaces as the house is pretty big. I moved bedrooms when we found out a little one was to join us. as I had a much bigger bedroom than my son and it seemed only fair to swap. My son has also paid out for the whole of the top floor of the house to be renovated and they now have plenty of room upstairs and spend most of their time together in their bedroom/lounge. It just feels weird I guess being separated in such a way that I really do feel on the periphery a lot of the time, rather than included but I guess its only natural and that may well change when the baby comes along!

I actually do get out quite a lot and spend some weekends with some close friends helping out. So I am doing all that you say already. We already have a concrete plan in mind when we move so finances are not a problem in that regard.

I am not retired yet, as I work 2 days a week and its quite a good release. I also still go to the gym and swim and generally look after myself pretty well. However, these feelings are pretty predominant and although I think I understand myself in many things, the uncomfortableness is pretty hard to take all the time. Still, all in all, I have very little to complain about generally .... so I guess I should count my blessings ! Thanks for all the advice so far, its gratefully received.

I can see how difficult this is, actually for all of you. it sounds like you just need more space, in the emotional as well as physical sense.
I have these suggestions:
Are you able to make arrangements to have some kind of 'sitting room' apart from each other? Even if it's just re-arranging your bedroom so there is space to sit and do what you like - rather than always be thrown together.
Do you have anywhere you could stay for awhile that wouldn't cost you anything? A relative who needs a bit of company, signing on to do house sitting or similar. It sounds as if you are retired, but I'm not sure.
Work on making plans for your move concrete. I'm afraid I hear this sort of thing quite often, that then doesn't come about for some reason. So I would make sure the finances are sound, maybe even work on a back-up plan.

PS: as I write, I have just waved to an neighbour. This is a couple in a similar situation to you. The 'close to retirement' couple go all around the UK as a handyman / housekeeper team, sometimes house sitting, sometimes staying whilst 'staff' are away. It gives them space from their daughter & her family, and they are saving to buy some sort of holiday business together. I have no idea if that would be something you could consider, but was quite a co-incidence so I thought I'd add it!

I am pleasant all the time and make sure never to criticise etc. although I’m no doormat lol. She’s not working because she was pretty ill at the beginning of her pregnancy so my son agreed she should stop work so she did. She helps round the house and buys food sometimes but it’s just her attitude that really bothers me. She’s sometimes very different when my son is at work too which I find strange. I find it really hard dealing with inconsistent people generally as I am pretty much the same all the time and like to be open and honest as much as I can. Nice to just air it really as I don’t like to burden friends and family with these sorts of things ? thank you !

It has changed the dynamic within your household, and I can see it could be difficult.
All I can say is try to be pleasant and a bit helpful to the GF because she may well become ‘the wife’ and your DIL.It will be your grandchild as well.
Being pregnant for the first time, although exciting, is also scary.
Make sure that it isn’t you that is doing all the cooking and cleaning though, as that wouldn't be fair as she doesn’t work.
Why doesn’t she work btw? Is she now on maternity leave?

No unfortunately its not practical to move till then. I think it would be much better because I would not see and hear all the things that I do which unsettle me. Guess I'm just going to be in protective mode until then. Im good at being tight-lipped so will just keep on enduring and finding good outlets elsewhere. Thanks.

Can you not bring the move to your own homes forward? Other than that all I could say is keep tight lipped.