Youngest son moves back in

How very difficult for you Babushka. If your ds needs your help and has nowhere else to live, but has now got himself another job and is willing to cover his cost how can you refuse him staying? I think your dh is being very mean and territorial. My dh is stepdad to my 2 sons of 31 and 23 who both still live at home and who he helped me bring up from eldest 17 and youngest 8 years old. My dh gets on really well with my sons and sometimes goes to the cinema with one or other or both of them. They both have jobs and contribute to our household budget. It probably helps that we have accommodated my sons in loft extension so they have their own shower room too and any noise they make is a floor away. Honestly I would not see either of them without a home and consider our home is their home too. I made it clear to my dh that when I agreed to marry him my children came with me as a package deal. If your dh is so uncaring towards his own son I would tell him if anyone is asked to leave it will be him. My sons cannot afford a deposit yet even with help from us and until they want to move out our home is their home. I feel so sorry to hear your dh cannot show kindness to your ds. Your ds must feel terrible if he knows your dh does not want him there.

Does the rest of the family comment to you about DH's grumpiness or to him? If they only remark on it to you, tell them to talk to him about it. He just might be more willing to listen to them than to his wife! Men often are.

Obviously, you want and feel you need to help your son, but I think I can see a little of what is bothering your Dh, too. He probably had got used to being alone with you, and doesn't want that to change.

Point out he is being unreasonable being furious about your DS having given up his accommodation. You say it was a live-in job, and as he has quitted his job, he would need to move out, wouldn't he?

Ask your DH what his ideas are for a solution - being furious and grumpy is not a solution.

Until last year, I’d had children at home for 43 years. First time in my adult life it’s just been myself and husband so still feels strange. DD1 stayed at home till she was 23. DS till he was 22. Last summer DD2 left, also at 23. Should point out there is 20 years between DD1 and DD2. Saved up rent the first 2 paid us and they used towards deposits for houses. DD2 still at uni doing post-grad but has moved in with BF but have saved for her too.

I have loved having mine back at home at times when they have needed to have a stop gap of some sort.
They are my children and they are for life I would help them anyway I could,any man who came between me and my children for what ever reason would be looking to live elsewhere pretty dam quick.

Can I ask a question? Now that son is back at home do you do all his washing, ironing. Cook all his food, wash all the dishes etc etc
If you are then I understand husband looking forward to son moving out again. BTW you don't say how old son is?

They're our children for life, if help was needed, it would be freely given, whatever it was!

Yes you do need to find out exactly what the problem is Babushka and talk it through. It does seem as if there are more serious problems in your marriage. I agree we should help our children where we can but also encourage them towards independence. The poster who said put a time limit on your son's stay and then see if you can help with a deposit or rent was right in my opinion.
Not everyone likes having others around all the time even family, I fall into this category and would not want to have my children or grandchildren living with me unless there was no alternative.

When our daughter moved back home, we didn't ask for board or food money as she was saving every penny for a house deposit.

If this hadn't been the case, I would have asked for board money and saved it up to hopefully help with bond money to enable her to rent.

I would have either of my children and grandchildren back home at only a moments notice.
However it wouldn't be my DH that would be grumpy
It would be me! ( I would endeavour to hide it).
Peace and quiet at the end of the day keeps me sane.

Old Meg- I'm with you - hate sentences being started with 'So'. It comes from watching too much U.S. TV.
Our youngest son moved back 3 times. Once when house share with mates fell through. Then bought his own house with GF & they split so he moved out until he bought her out & then when he was engaged to his now wife when they sold his house & her flat & were waiting to move into new home. They are about to move again but now have 3 children & animals- I am hoping it will all got through at same time or we are going to be very crowded!
It's just life & I'm glad we were always able to help ( but we may buy a smaller house if they think about moving again!)

Your DH is being a bit mean, isn't he? I think it's fine for your son to move back in as long as he pays his way.
Personally, I'd be delighted if one of my sons came to live with me. At the moment, the mood I'm in, I'm absolutely fed up with being on my own all the time. So I envy you.

I totally agree with Nannabilly. No need to add any more to her post ?

*He says if that's what you want, thinking he's calling my bluff,*

But he has called your bluff? Unless you are actually going to do it.

I would though. He sounds deeply unpleasant and you potentially have another thirty Years with him shudder

Having your son at home, even temporarily, with a sulky husband must be like being caught between a rock and a hardplace. Have you asked your husband what the problem is? Could it be a sign of a deeper problem, boredom, depression etc? Or is he merely turning into his father? Ether way, I think you need to speak to him and try and find out what the problem is?

I'll swap your son for my DD, SIL and DGD who have all moved back in with us for what was initially a fortnight and is now at least 3 months! My DH is most disgruntled but I would have his children back if it helped them out and have done so on several occasions. I pointed out to him that his attitude diminishes my respect for him and he is doing his best to be magnanimous now! He's a 61 year old grumpy old man though!

I could understand this more if he was,nt your sons dad but find it odd that he would resent it for his son. I guess he has got used to just you and he having the place to yourselves and likes the status quo. Did they used to get on ok before your son left home? Is there an element of jealousy? My own children had jobs/ careers which involved living in and in the armed forces, and accepted it was still home to them until they had more permanent homes of their own.

At 28 unless he has MH probs he really should be encouraged to start living independently - it's not doing him a favour to treat him like a child. By all means help him out temporarily - but he should pay towards his keep and do his own washing etc; since his last job was live-in he needs some help in learning how to live independently, this is your chance then hopefully when he moves out he will be prepared.

Codfather snap ! I've had children at home for 40 years continuously.My D left at 18 but her brother was just 8 then and by the time his nephew was born was 14,I cared for the GC daily and the next three ,one of whom is here half of every week night and day .My son moved home after a relationship breakdown and brought his daughter with him. He stayed 7 years .She thinks of this as home and although her dad now lives with a new partner...8 years down the road ..she will stay with us until she decides herself that she wants to live with him and his lovely new partner .
I would/could never refuse to help my kids or GC when they need some help...surely thats what being a parent is .

Parents should house their children until they can survive without relying on housing benefit.

...and charge rent if they are waged.

Don't understand this he's your son why wouldn't yo want to help? Are men ridiculous surely your own blood you are parents the job never ends! My youngest son has been back twice and still visits twice a week I feed him and send him on his way and do it with love. Maybe I'm the fool but I'm also his mother.husband lives it when he comes.

We've been married for 40 years and since the first one was born almost 40 years ago, we haven't had the house to ourselves. The last child left Christmas before last but teenage GD lives with us.

Works well enough for us and we have a spare room which can be used when necessary. If one of them needed to move back in, we wouldn't have a problem.

Our son came back to live with us for about a year when a relationship broke up. We both tried to make him welcome. He hated being back with his parents though! Luckily he met a lovely lady on-line, who had her own house. They were married six years ago and are very happy. I feel that your husband is being very mean to your son. I would have a very hard talk with him. If he sulks, let him. Your son will always be your son. Husbands sometimes aren't permanent.

Depending on where in the country you live rental properties, be they flats or even just rooms, can be extortionately expensive if you can even find one.

Our 31 year old has returned to live with us. I do understand Babushka. x

Having one of the adult children move back home for any reason is not ideal , nobody really wants it to happen BUT most of us will happily let it happen temporarily. If your husband is father to this son then I think he is bang out of order. If he is stepfather to him I think he is also bang out of order. Would be really rather you let him live on the street or sofa surf on friends couches?
If I were in your shoes right now I would be having a serious discussion with husband and tell him how selfish and uncaring he is being and let him know that you are not going to neglect your son no matter how much he protests and whilst you are at it let him know that he is turning into us father, the father he hated for being exactly the way he is himself behaving . Have you ever told him that?
Good luck with it and stand your ground.

OldMeg, you made me smile. I was just thinking that I could make a post almost exactly as yours, but you beat me to it. As to a DS returning home after being away, I'm not sure I would be willing. I know I say I would, and for a couple of weeks it would be OK, but in real life??? DH is much more easy going than me, in lots of ways,and would have him back like a shot. The thing is, DS is very like me and we would soon clash. On the other hand, I really couldn't see him struggle, and would have to bite my tongue, as he is generous to a fault. So (oh no, not the So) I would be torn. I am a grumpy old woman, sometimes, and will be a year older next week