Son's Partner is Controlling and Manipulative

Bide your time ... a situation like that won’t thrive ..
heartbreaking when children involved I would think .. my dear parents has to suffer this nastiness with both my brothers wives / girlfriends ( yes they dont half pick em ) ... broke my heart .. I even kicked off once when one brothers wife refused to let us go to the hospital to see mum and dads new grandson .. we traveled from Kent to Surrey .. that marriage failed but my parents passed away ( still not over it after 16 years ) and the way my brothers “allowed “ and enabled these women to run roughshod over them still makes me feel sick ... I am so sorry you are experiencing this ... my dear parents were the sweetest (mum kept the peace in these situations but she would normally speak her mind .. I think I reassured her to leave it as her health and age were against her ... good luck ... we can’t control peoples behaviour but we can control how we react to them ... and not it says more about her than it does about you if she is being totally unreasonable towards you .. I feel time no matter how long always has a way of sorting things out

I can empathise with your situation, and all I can say in reply is to give you the benefit of my own experience.

How did I deal with the hatred? Nothing would have worked, as I think it was her own self-hate, or whatever, projected onto me (and others). She refused to visit or be visited, so I just had to let it wash over me, and get support from those close to me.

How did I keep the relationship going with my son? By showing I was there for him, accepting that he only got in touch once every few weeks, without castigating him for that, and keeping conversation non-confrontational. The most I did to push him into phoning would be a little text, which usually resulted in a reply, usually when he was able to be on his own.

How did I prevent my grandchild being out of bounds to me? Being hundreds of miles away, I accepted that he would bring her maybe just twice a year. By not making a fuss, this wasn't denied, even also for the step grandchild, though I think any contact with DS's family perturbed DIL a lot. Skyping didn't really work TBH, so it was difficult.

How did I deal with her seeming acceptance of a more distant family member? I realised it reflected their being much less of a threat to the control and manipulation, so had no problem with it.

What did I say to my son about the situation? I knew he was treading on eggshells at home, and on edge, and, as you say, frightened of upsetting her. However, while he was leaving things unsaid, I couldn't interfere in a marriage, and just took his news about what they were doing, where they were going etc at face value. I read between the lines of course.

How did I deal with arrangements for visits? Once it got to the stage of being clear that DIL wanted to avoid us completely, we abandoned ideas of visiting the house. My DD arranged to visit for a couple of hours when in the area, and it went down like the heaviest lead balloon you could ever imagine, with DIL refusing to even be present. I always gave DS the choice of coming up here, or meeting in the middle or us staying in their area, and he always chose to travel. There seemed to be such a lot left unsaid that eventually, after two years of this being the situation, I stated that I was sorry he had to do all the travelling, but clearly she wanted nothing to do with us, and it was always up to him when and where he saw me, because I understood how difficult that was and must upset him. He agreed, and it was clear we all appreciated seeing each other and spending time together. Even after two of these sensitively (probably over-sensitively) broached conversations, without me actually criticising DIL, he still didn't admit to what it turns out was extreme unhappiness in a situation that amounted to being bullied. It took 4 more months to share properly. Although this made me feel awful, I think it was right not to interfere until he asked for support. I will not go into what happened since, as hopefully you DS's situation is not as severe.

Pinksweetpea, I hope you will appreciate that spending the time writing this shows how much I do get how you are feeling. I know my situation is different, and yet it is also similar. My advice would be to step back as much as possible; speak out only when you have truly considered what to say; continue being pleasant etc etc. Remember that the apparent hatred probably reflects that you are important to your DS, even though he is finding it hard to find opportunity to show it. Otherwise, she wouldn't bother.

It is very difficult to be a mother-in-law, I have two d-i-l’s and one ex d-i-l. I have found it is wisest not to have expectations of your relationship with a d-i-l and treat the good bits as a bonus. You are way down the list of their priorities after your son, his wife’s family and, increasingly nowadays, their and her friends.

As Luzdoh has said, have you considered that your d-i-l might have post natal depression? It is the most wretched thing to have and can make a person very irrational, hard to live with and downright spiteful. I suffered with this after my first son was born and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone; it was a miserable experience for me and my husband so that could account for how you perceive your son at the moment.

Try to develop a thicker skin if you can. Hopefully things will improve as time goes on but if not you will have to live with it and just be there for your son if and when he needs you.

I also have a similar situation. DS married Vietnamese girl 4 years ago, all was good for 2 years until GS was born. She is lazy, not interested and DS does everything. At our last visit she announced she no longer wants to be in Germany, wants to go back to Vietnam and her family can look after GS. She has no real family just nieces who have no work. On this occasion I did not keep mum, caused a few problems and DS was visibly upset when we left. I have done my best, welcomed her with open arms, paid for the wedding etc, provided a home for them and a lot more. But there comes a time when enough is enough. Fortunately DH and DS2 are completely supportive. So big hugs to all the grandparents who are in similar situations. We just need to get on with our own lives and not be controlled by others.

Like many other mothers of sons, I too have lived through this nightmare. Your son, however, is an adult and will have to deal with things himself. Im sure he knows how much you love him, and that you will always be there for him....should he need you.

Accept things as they are, because otherwise the sad prospect of losing contact with your grandchild is very real.

I truly wish that these women would realise that control and manipulation is the quickest way to destroy a relationship. My own son has reached the end, and has taken steps to end his marriage. He lives a great distance from me, so I don’t have many details. However, knowing him as only a mother can, he must have hit rock bottom to take steps which will mean less contact with his adored child.

Try not to take son's partner's behaviour personally. It's much more about her than it is about you. Maybe she feels threatened by your son's relationship with you. It doesn't have to be anything you've actually done, just how she perceives things. She's probably very insecure, deep down, and is nasty to you because she's scared that she's not coping.
I know how hard it is to have to step back and let your son sort this out for himself. If he's unhappy with her, I would think he's torn between leaving and losing his daughter but step back is all that you can do. Yes, talk to him if you really get the opportunity but always remember he's a grown-up and think about how you would have felt at his age if your parent(s) had tried to tell you what to do.
Bite your tongue while smiling sweetly!,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Hard to do isn't it! Believe me, I do know!

If at all possible please try and arrange a time when you can chat to your son alone.
It may be that the partner is trying to alienate your son from you for a reason but if your son is showing signs of being on edge around his partner and genuinely looking fearful of upsetting her there is always a possibility that there is a far more worrying under-lying cause.
Not all cases of domestic abuse are male to female...there are many men who have and are suffering at the hands of their partner but too afraid (or ashamed in their eyes) to speak out.

I would suggest that when you see your son and his family you smile a lot and say how lovely the baby is and how much she is thriving etc. A few compliments about the baby and your DDinL could help to pave the way to a better relationship. Don't say anything to your DS, just keep it very light and friendly and don't stay too long. Give them space.

Just keep out of it. Unless you can talk to him when she is not around which could be difficult.
It is not unusual for a sons partner to be jealous of the relationship he has with his mother.

I've always found that least said, soonest mended unless the apology needs to come from me. I have occasionally said something unthinkingly but without malice which I have found has upset a DIL (never SIL's!). I work on the principle that they don't really 'know' me so they don't realise I come from a position of love because they are my sons' future happiness and my sons must have found something special about them. I have in the past written apologetically to one of my step-DILs who felt that as a stepmother I was automatically the bad guy and it really made the difference between us.
I used to come under attack from my MIL for "criticising" her son but she just didn't get that we were bantering and our relationship allowed for loving insult. Is it possible that you are misreading the situation with your son and DIL's relationship?
I think many women go through a period of uncertainty or sensitivity when they have young babies and you just have to try to negotiate that time as best as you can because if you can get past it without huge upset, things will settle down naturally.

Ah!iam so thankful i came here a very dear friend who is on gransnet directed me here saying a similar situation to mine was being discussed
i can totally relate to the situation where the son is served an ultimatum you choose your mum on any issue you will lose me and the baby
so he walks on eggshells and is on the edge
how true!
waiting should help i suppose as theres nothing i can do -and he is my only son
thank you for discussing this topic happy to know iam not alone

Was your DIL depressed after the birth? If she was that could to some extent explain the negative traits in her character having got worse. But she may just be feeling stressed being a new mum.

It really depends on what your relationship with your son is like whether you can ask him if everything is all right at home or not. I would feel justified in doing so with my son in a similar situation, but as already mentioned by others, please do take care not to criticise either him or his partner.

Sadly, unless your son chooses to confide in you, I don't think there is anything you really can do.

Just go on being pleasant to them both, and make your own arrangements for getting home next time you visit that don't include relying on one of them to drive you.

I wouldn't ask my son to bring the child to visit with mother, that, I fear, will only make things worse.

Gosh just login to see the replies, sorry I am new to the forums and did not realise I had so many replies. Thank you for replying, I am reading through them all now.

Pinksweetpea and Lakeview

Hope you don't mind, but I have shared a bit more in private messaging

I feel inadequate telling you to let it go and say nothing! A lot of us MILs (of DILs) know instinctively when we are being slowly and methodically outlawed by the DILs. No idea why they do it and I make no excuse for their behaviour, such as had young baby etc.

I noticed a huge shift in my DILs attitude towards me once she had secured the engagement ring. I genuinely thought we had a good easy relationship.

I say NOTHING. NADA. ZILCH. I smile & ensure I'm old Mrs Happy Go Lucky. It's difficult and takes practice.

Perhaps these young women aren't quite as confident as they would have us believe .... Give it time. I no longer care but try and ensure that it doesn't impede on my son or grandchild. I totally accept that my son has to be supportive to his wife. Funny part is that she's welcome to have him! Please don't send him back to me!

Don't worry. Keep on catching the train & going to see them. It's a situation where there's only losers. Shame isn't it ...,

Another one here with a DIL who dislikes her despite being made very welcome in my home since she 18 years old. They came here for a holiday 8 years ago and other than a few family occasions I havent seen my DGSs since. She is Russian and is very controlling, her way or no way. My son rings me irregularly but we usually manage to have a good chat then. A couple of weeks ago he rang to say they are having another baby(8 year gap). I was very pleased for them and gave my congratulations. We are coming to England at the end of next month and I messaged asking if we could meet up for dinner on a particular evening and the reply was 'don't know will have to check the calendar'. I did say in the message that I needed an answer quickly as I needed to book everything. Since then not a word. So we will not be seeing them while we are there. I just accept that she hasnt changed. It's his marriage and I wouldn't want to rock the boat. But then none of us knows how other people's marriages work. Not much help to you PinkSweetPea but just to say you are not alone.

Tedddy123 Yes it is a great shame ...and baffling!!!!

madgran77 yep totally baffling. My DIL if she reads Gransnet (doubt it) will recognise herself from the following story and if she does, I hope it makes her blush and feel rather ashamed!

Each Xmas she has a calendar made from the previous years family photos, for my son, a casual stocking filler. I always flick through it, quietly thinking to myself "blimey managed to get one photo of me in there ..... Though always the most unflattering.
The last one made me incandescent. One photo of myself, my darling grand daughter and ex husband. Taken from BEHIND as we strolled through the park holding hands with GD. A BACK VIEW!!!! Said out loud "nice back view". Silence then she responded with "that's all we had".
I then said to son "what's the point ..... Don't like this" and left the room, there were loads of others, you sent them to me I Frankly it was a real Freudian slip and sooooo mean!
What a naughty young woman. I plan to rip it out of the calendar next time I'm there or draw a face on the rear of my head.
I'm not sensitive but that calendar really hurt. But moving on .......

Why didn't you ask your son for a lift to the station instead of waiting for his wife to make her mind up?

Teddy123, I think you are overreacting a little, don't you? That calendar isn't even for you, its for your son. Your DIL has no obligation to include you in any of the pictures, so I think it speaks volumes that she does. I have always made photo calanders for our home and have never included pictures of grandparents, always us and the kids. There was no ill intent behind that either. Personally, I think photographs taken from behind are beautiful and candid. You can't be serious about ripping the picture out surely? What a way to ensure you never get included in the calendar again and what a way to ruin a lovely gift for your son.

@GG65, yep! What you said! I love from the back photos...they are real and show an intimacy that can't be faked with plastic front shot smiles.

@Soontobegran, absolutely! I have a framed picture at home of DH, DS, DD and myself holding hands and walking through the park. It was taken when my children were very little and before that style of photograph was as popular as it now is. It is one of my favourites.

GC65 The calendar has grandparent photos only! Absolutely not over reacting! Eleven months of photos of her own parents and just one of my son's parents. The back view. Great keepsake!
And no it wasn't a gift to me as you clearly realise. Some DILs would like to air brush their in laws out of their husbands lives .........

Teddy123, I am sorry, I assumed the calendar was a mixture of family photographs, not just of grandparents! I couldn't imagine giving my DH a calendar featuring 11 photographs of my parents and just one of his own! As I said, the calendars I made were just photographs of us and the children. That does seem rather strange and a bit more than just thoughtlessness on your DIL's part!

Teddy your reaction is completely ridiculous.
You touch that calendar and it would be so ridiculous and disrespectful. It's just not about you. End of.