Son's Partner is Controlling and Manipulative

What a miserable situation to have to put up with. Maybe your son has praised you or compared you favourably to her in the past that has left her bitter and insecure causing her to be so unpleasant. Sadly if her behaviour continues it wont be a long relationship. All you can do is be there to pick up the pieces. If you do get to speak to your son alone it might be worth asking why she has a problem with you without criticising her in any way, you dont want her to appear right as she may have said that you do not like her.Such a shame that it means you dont get to have a good relationship with your grand daughter, you may have to wait until she is older when you can send things in the post for her and speak on the phone, it seems a long way off but this is not forever. As you really have no power to change this situation you must work on not thinking about it or you will become bitter and resentful making it harder for your son and miserable for you. Sorry I could not be of more help.

I'm sure my MIL says the same about me

Do you know for sure that she is making a fuss of your ex's partner solely to annoy you? Could it possibly be that you have a little bit of BEC (b*tch eating crackers) going on?

It might be helpful to speak privately to your son about seeing your grandchild, but do not ask about their relationship or get involved in it. A parent should never get involved in an AC's relationship, and an AC should never ask their parents to get involved in their relationship. A parent's instinct is to protect a child. That means that parental involvement doesn't usually go well.

I was very sorry to read your post Pinksweetpea. I wouldn't ask you son if she has a problem with you, you could just ask if everything's OK.

Your son's partner's behaviour is very similar to our estranged son's wife but it became obvious with her literally the day after their first child was born. The way you describe you son fitted ours exactly.

When our GC was less than a year old we were cut out, that was more than 5 years ago. Had it not been for our experience I would advise you differently, that you try and find out what's going on but with the benefit, or curse, of hindsight all I can suggest is that you do and say nothing.

Even if you ask your son in the nicest possible way specifically about her, if she's controlling and manipulative you may find that you inadvertently back him into a corner.

I'm sorry if my response seems negative but there's nothing you can do but go to their home when you can and not allow her to see that her behaviour upsets you.

Perhaps given time things will settle down but for now all you can do is hope and enjoy what time you do get to spend with your son and GD.

What does B*tch eating crackers" mean agnurse?

Again, with the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn't ask your son when you can see your GD as suggested by agnurse, that could simply add fuel to the fire.

Madgran

Sorry, I thought it might be in the abbreviations list. It's the idea that if someone really bothers you, even the most innocuous thing can be annoying. It comes from an Internet meme that says, "Look at that little b*tch eating crackers as if she owns the place".

I don't understand why you thought it appropriate to post that agnurse. I don't think Pinksweetpea is finding "even the most innocuous thing(s)" that her son's partner is doing annoying. She's clearly concerned about her son, his relationship with his partner, her own relationship with his partner and not seeing very much of her GD.

You're right of course that a parent's instinct is to protect their child, even when that child is all grown up with a child of their own. I'm not sure what you were alluding to, but there's no suggestion that the OP's partner feels the need to protect their child from his partner's mother.

OOps that should be her partner's mother.

”, "Look at that little b*tch eating crackers as if she owns the place"........not relevant and most certainly not helpful.

PinkSweetPea. I suggest you post on the Support for Grandparents thread. Your concerns can be shared and support given, by actual grandparents experiencing the same problems that you are.

'she also seems to hate me for some reason.'

You've then listed reasons why you don't like her. You might have genuine reason for not liking her and that's ok but it does show and she could of picked up on it.

If neither of you like each other, that might be why your son is awkward/walking on egg shells when you're all together?

Could you maybe ring your son? Breezey conversation '..Oh and is everything alright with X, I've noticed she seems abit off?' Keep it light and breezey. 'You know where I am if you need me' and so on..
You have then told him you are aware of her attitude and you are always there for him if he needs anything. You haven't actually discussed their relationship.
Light and breezy.

she's got a six months old baby...she's tired and cranky and she cant be bothered with someone who doesn't like her...whats to understand? Back off and give this new mum space ..and try not to alienate her husband in the process..SHE needs him on her side .

I know you said you have to take a train if you want to see them but alot of grandma's on here would love to be welcomed by their DIL and happily take a train to see their family? I don't know if talking to your son would help as alot of the issues you stated can be explained away and if he is on her side it might make it worse? Obviously if there are some bigger issues you haven't stated you may need to address them but in terms of cancelling one lift, being on maternity leave (you said she sits at home while husband works...but as she has a 6 month old assume is maternity and 6 month olds are hard work) and liking her step mum in law in front of you... it's not the worst DIL I've heard of?

Smileless

My concern is that it appears the OP thinks there could be problems in the relationship between her son and his partner. She talks about how the partner criticizes what her son does, and how her son look stressed. It's not her place to get involved in their personal relationship.

Smileless

My BEC comment was in regards to her saying that the partner says things to OP's ex's partner specifically to annoy OP. My point was that I'm not sure that she can necessarily determine that this is the motivating factor behind the partner's behaviour.

It's possible that her other concerns do have some merit. Criticizing everything your partner does is not my idea of a healthy relationship, for example. But it's not her place to get involved in her son's relationship.

and he does a lot as she just sits around the house all day, from what I can see
Goodness, that must be one very contented baby if mum can sit around all day.

I am assuming that the get-together was at your DS and DIL'S house - perhaps she was worn out coping with a young baby and catering for visitors? Or perhaps she has PND?

If you do speak with your son it should only be along the lines of DIL seeming quite tired and asking if they need any practical help at all.
I am puzzled as to why it was your DIL who was supposed to give you a lift home and not your DS.

I empathised with you until the part when you insinuated that your son was unhappy in his marriage and fearful of his wife.

Could it be that rather than refusing to drive you home or to the train station, your DIL simply changed her mind. She could have had a difficult night with the baby and perhaps didn't feel up to it. Could your son not have taken you home or to the train station? I'm sure that you are probably more than capable of getting yourself to the train station. The fact that it spoilt your day is concerning. Are you always this over sensitive?

And how do you know that your DIL sits around the house all day doing nothing! Are you there every day to witness this? She has a 6 month old baby, you should remember what that's like. It's hardly sitting around doing nothing! Even if she does sit around all day doing nothing that is absolutely none of your business! You absolutely need to back off and stop your obsession about what your DIL is or isn't doing, who she can speak to in front of you and what she can say.

Speak to your son at your own peril. That is his wife and the mother of his child. He may well be walking on eggshells because of you. You say that your DIL hates you for some reason, but I don't see that from your post. I think you hate your DIL, and she and your son both know this. Be careful before you try and speak poorly of his wife, who is at her most vulnerable with a new baby, to him. It may very well backfire on you.

Hi Pinksweetpea
I know exactly how you feel. I think the two of us are leading ALMOST parallel lives. I have a d.i.l. who I'm sure hates me. She takes pleasure in passing snide remarks about me...she is a stay at home mum...she has a 3 year old and a 9 month old. What bothers me is that she visits her Mum every day with the children.....and once a week she takes them to visit my ex husband and his wife, but never comes to me. I have stopped asking her to bring them over,
because I know she won't . My son is devoted to her and the children and that's how it should be. But I am sad that he does not care enough for me ....he could ask his wife to take the children to see his mother (he works away during the week). He doesn't ring me. Basically no communication. I only text him if I want to see the grandkids. Its 3 weeks since I saw them . I will text him tomorrow to ask him if I could go over there for an hour or so over the bank holiday weekend. His reply will probably be that they are going to be busy.
It's all so sad.....but I have another d.i.l. who is lovely. She makes sure all the grandparents see her little boy every week. As a matter of fact, I'm having the little darling over for a few hours tomorrow. She has an urgent meeting at work.
All the best pinksweetpea. This is where we get the best advice....they are firm but fair. I love coming on here. It makes you realise you are not alone xx

My son was in a very similar situation. The only difference is that he did confide in me. I would say nothing, but just be as pleasant as you can.

They have been parted now for several years but I know how heartbreaking it is to watch your son be so desperately unhappy.

PinkSweetPea I can only add my deep sorrow and moral support. I think Smileless2012 has the most experience and has kindly explained how invidious it is to try and say anything. I find being a mum to adult married children absolutely agonising. If you think they are unhappy in their relationship there is nothing you can do unless they come to you. Try hard to overcome your own distress and just stick around whenever you can for your son's sake. This is a terribly common situation. I have several friends who are going through it. We may surmise all sorts of reasons for the DIL's unpleasantness towards you but it doesn't really help. I did wonder if she has a bit of post-natal depression and is taking it out on you.
I'm sorry I can't come up with anything better. Try to let her behaviour roll off you (water off a duck's back , they say, don't they?). I know that's all very well for me to say. Hang in there for your son's sake and don't read too much in to his mood either.
God bless you and good luck. You are not alone.

crazyH I just had to say you have made my eyes prick with tears! You are a lovely person! I am so sorry you too have a DIL who is batty. What a heart-ache that situation is. I do not have difficulties of that kind but other difficulties and many miles apart keeps me from seeing my grandchildren. How kind your reply to Pinksweetpea is too! I just wanted to thank you for a lovely, kind message.

I have not experienced this personally but have seen a friend torn apart with this scenario. The son was given a choice, if you choose your mother over me on any issue, you will lose me and your child. So he has a miserable life, staying put for the sake of his child, and being totally walked over and dominated by this harridan. Personally, I would try all I could to build a bridge with her ( through gritted teeth if need be). I would ask if I had done/said anything to upset her and reiterate how you so wish you could be friends etc If that is thrown back in your face, you will know in your heart that you have done all that you possibly can. Good luck ...

I have a similar situation to you Sweetpea too. And I agree with all the positive posts above. We can do nothing but bear it out. No criticizing or mentioning DIL to son. Keep mum, send pleasant things. My daughter thinks I treat DIL with too much respect and thinks I should be as rude to her as she is to me. But that wont go anywhere. Time will have to do its stuff. In the meantime I see grandkids about twice a year as she usually sits sulking and following them about so I am not alone with them. It is really odd. and I totally believe you. big hug.

Not a good situation it must be so worrying for you.
She sounds just like my late sons partner, but she was violent too. Don’t mean to scare you but just keep an eye on him.
Trouble is we can’t bear to see our children so unhappy