Son's Partner is Controlling and Manipulative

bibbity I may well be ridiculous (thanks for that) to have felt so hurt by a calendar. So what. That's the power of DILs!
My comment about tearing the photo out or drawing a face on the back of my head, was supposed to be humorous! Are you the calendar police ....
END OF!

Yes Teddy3....you are right to feel aggrieved. I can see my d.i.l. doing that...11 months of her parents and one of her husband's.....and you're right again, they are trying to airbrush us out of their lives, and your d.i.l. is doing it symbolically. Best wishes xx

Regarding the calender, we have a book each month for my little one, I always take photos of my parents and my husband never takes any of his! So after a month with no photos of his parents I have started to photograph them as it's the only way to get photos! They are alot older than my parents and don't take photos themselves, at first I thought why should I photograph his parents while he sits playing video games on his phone at their house but like you say you don't want to erase them from my child's memories just because my husband is too lazy to include them! I think sometimes you can take photos of your own parents more as you love seeing them with your child whereas PIL you've only known a few years and it doesn't bring up the same emotions! And men aren't as trigger happy so you end up with less photos of the man's parents! (This is a big generalisation). Regarding the original OP they do have a 6 month old and what is seen as unhappy could be tired! Especially as a few people have suggested post natal depression, if that's the case he will be working then coming home and doing all the house and looking after baby to help his wife have a break and get better, he might just have no energy to pretend to be happy and energetic at family events? Also whenever my husband is laughing and joking with my step mum my actual mum doesn't think he is doing it to upset her? She knows he's just making an effort with his other in laws? Maybe if OP sees her son as unhappy she is looking into the daughters behaviour more? She may just be tired and couldn't give a lift/ actually like the step mum/ not be sitting on her bum at home all day but looking after her 6 month old?

Being air brushed out is a very apt description of what many of us have been subjected too. In our experience it was quite subtle in the beginning.

Mr. S. and I would talk about a particular incident and wonder if we were over reacting, were we being over sensitive? Despite the warning signs, we simply didn't pick up on them. Never expected to be finally and totally cut out.

It's like the tip of an ice berg, there's far more going on beneath the surface that you're simply not aware of until it's too late.

To those who haven't been subjected to the gradual erosion of their relationship with their own adult child, things can appear to be silly, no big deal, like your example of the calendar Teddy which IMO was not an over reaction on your part.

We know our own children. We know what our relationship with them used to be and we know when that is beginning to change. If those changes begin when they settle down with their partner and/or when their first child is born, and if their partner has changed toward us, then we know it's their partner that's the root cause of these changes.

PND is often mentioned on estrangement sites and I'm not suggesting that in some cases this isn't a major factor but we need to look at not just the changes in our relationship with our d.i.l. but at her other relationships.

If it's just her relationship with her p's.i.l. that has changed considerably but her relationship with her own parents and friends remains the same then IMO PND isn't the issue.

The issue is a desire to rid herself of her p's.i.l. and her husband's parents and in many instances his entire family from their lives.

The more controlling and manipulative they are, the more likely they are to succeed.

Daisyboots - sorry to hear about your situation, what a shame your son has not got back to you about meeting for a meal, thanks for your kind words.

GabriellaG - My son does not drive, he is learning at the moment, or else I would have asked him.

Just to thank everyone for their kind words and advice, I have just read through all the messages and pm a few of you. I feel I'm not alone in my situation and a few of us going through similar and some great advice offered which I appreciate xx

She talks about how the partner criticizes what her son does, and how her son look stressed. It's not her place to get involved in their personal relationship

But any mother WOULD feel concerned. You don't stop having maternal feelings for your AC just because they take a partner.

Yes, he is a grown man and he has made his bed and must lie on it - or shake it up a bit if it's become uncomfortable. It's his call. As mothers/fathers we can only watch from the sidelines and it is often very difficult.

Being air brushed out is a very apt description of what many of us have been subjected too

That is a good description Smileless.
It seems to be happening a lot - we read about it frequently on GN - and it must cause such pain.

Do we need to raise tougher, more assertive sons aware of their own self-worth and place in the family? I say that because the distressing stories we read about seem to feature possessive female partners who subtly (or blatently) alienate their partners from their parents.

There are two sides to every story, I know, but how can it be so hard for some people to forge good relationships and live in harmony with each other? It would seem many DIL's feel threatened or just have a need to be top dog.

I have often read posts in these threads that state the MIL must be doing something wrong if she doesn’t get along with her DIL. Whilst this may be true in some cases (of course), I have a friend who has two married sons. Interestingly, she gets along just fine with one of her daughters in law - but not the other. For example friend and her DH are frequently invited to one sons house, and for weekend trips out with the DGS. She also meets her DIL for coffee when DIL’s shifts (she’s a nurse) permit. However,
The other DIL (who also has two children) keeps my friend and her DH at arms length. They live only a few minutes walk from their house but they are never invited. Fortunately her son bring the DGS to see them. My friend says she has no idea why this DIL wants nothing to do with them. She feels the relationship with that DIL changed from the day they married. Sounds familiar?

If it's just her relationship with her p's.i.l. that has changed considerably but her relationship with her own parents and friends remains the same then IMO PND isn't the issue.'

This is really quite hurtful and harmful to those who are suffering with PND.
It's not a one size fits all.
I felt supported by my friends and family.
My MIL kicked off hours after id given birth as she couldnt get her own way and treated me as a walking womb.

Yes. My relationship with her changed a huge amount. It didn't with my parents. I had Postnatal depression.

I had post natal depression too Violetfloss after the birth of our youngest son so having experienced it there's no way I intended my post to be hurtful and/or harmful.

It affected several of my relationships for a while and not just my relationship with my m.i.l.

You say you had problems with your m.i.l. within hours of giving birth which must have been awful for you. The OP says that her relationship with her son's partner appears to be deteriorating and the child is now 6 months old, which is why I suggested looking at other relationships, both family and friends.

If it is only the relationship with her partner's mother that has changed PND may not be the reason.

This is a sad and difficult situation. Perhaps your DS has always been close to you and this makes his partner feel insecure around you. Could she possibly have some post-natal depression and anxiety, this is very common. If you get the opportunity to speak to DS alone please be careful what you say, and how you say it. Just continue to be pleasant and hope things resolve over time. I hope you and your ex and his partner get on amicably otherwise this must make things additionally uncomfortable for you.

Teddy123 Just another thought about the calendar photo. Those back views of people walking away holding hands can look really sweet.

PinkSweetPea, There is often a version of your post to see here. Maybe you should reverse your post and wonder to why your DS does not go see his MIL with the baby? Maybe you should wonder to why your DIL does so much after while recovering from birthing, she is not sitting and doing nothing? Maybe wonder to why your DS could not take you to the train?