How do you handle your ex in company

minxie agree with you.

hmmm. GN auto moderates asterisks apparently. "off" should be preceded by four of them.
I am sure you can infill ☺

I struggled terribly seeing my ex at DDs wedding - despite the fact that I was the person who said "yes, I do think you should ask him to give you away, or you may always regret it".
After 30 years of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour, I am still not sure why I didnt just run when the first thing he did at the church rehearsal was to come straight to me and put a "possessive" hand on my arm.
I managed an icy "perfectly well, thank you" and stared at the hand until he removed it.
Awful! but I did get through it.

One of the bridesmaids did tell me afterwards that she had never before heard a thank you sound exactly like off.

Oonana, I'm glad you and ex are managing to be civil to each other. I don't get the need to meet up for lunch, but if it suits you and you're both comfortable with it, then fine. Please just be careful it doesn't lead you back into an unhappy situation.

Bmthbelle, how gauche of DH's ex. Maybe it's to try to lord it over you or perhaps it's some crude attempt to make her present DH jealous. Whatever... The next time she tells such a story, I'd be tempted to, smilingly, of course, make some comment like, "Well, I guess none of that was good enough to make him stay," or "I'm glad you didn't go on making happy memories because now he and I are making outs." She may answer with a snappy comeback, but it it happens every time, she's likely to drop the habit. But I know that's not the usual advice, and maybe it's better to keep "quietly seething."

Icanhandthemback - ?

bmthbelle13, the irony was that she ran off with his best man from their wedding who knew exactly what the marriage was like so he has spent the last 25 years rolling his eyes every time she waxes lyrical. Some people just don't know where the boundaries lie with social relationships.

That helps icanhandthemback. I know I shouldn’t let it get to me but it’s just so annoying as they’ve been divorced 20 years and I can see it annoys her current husband as well. I’ll have to start wearing my mouth guard out with all the gritting of teeth i need to do!!!

bmthbelle13, my dh's ex has been known the get their wedding album out. I smile sweetly, grit my teeth and make complimentary comments like how slim and pretty she was back then. Try not to let it show that it bugs you, it just makes things worse if there is malice there. I've now been married to "her" husband for much longer than she was and it has all settled down. I'm not sure if it is the knowledge that we are still happy after all these years make me less slightly sensitive to her tactlessness or whether it is just water off a duck's back.

Above remark was directed to bmthbelle13.

Seethe quietly perhaps. If she's doing it on purpose, don't give her the satisfaction of knowing she's getting to you.

If she is doing it and not realising she's upsetting you, is it worth having a quarrel with her?

I guess it depends on what she's like most of the time towards you and how she treats other people. You know her personality.

What does your husband think? If he gets on reasonably well with her, would he be able to ask her politely not to do it?

bmthbelle13 I'm not surprised you find it infuriating. She's playing a game of "I was married to him for longer than you, and you will never be as happy as we were"
She will know full well what she is doing, so saying anything to her will not stop her.
I am afraid you will have to continue to quietly seethe.

My DH has been divorced from his previous wife for 20 years and married to me for the last 5 years. We are part of the same friendship group and see her and her current husband regularly. My problem is that whenever we’re at the same party or event she can’t help telling endless stories about when she and my DH were married. I smile politely etc but find it infuriating. Should I say something to her or continue to seethe quietly?

People separate/divorce for a variety of reasons and I should imagine those reasons affect how you'd feel about being in company with the ex.

In the poster's circumstances, I imagine it would be best to be polite but distant. Keep conversation to a minimum. Treat him like an acquaintance perhaps?

The father of my children whom I spent 27 years with I get on very well with, so much so that people don't understand why we split. My last walked out on me after 10 years because I developed an incurable but treatable illness. I was glad to see the back of him and divorced him which cost me a large chunk of my asset (my house) so I had to remortgage. He had no assets but a very well paid job. My initial instinct would be to spit on him but I'm too much of a lady so I would make polite conversation while thinking horrible thoughts. Actually I don't give a toss about him so would manage to be polite without any problem. I see no reason why we would meet up as we have no children in common. My youngest son is getting married next year and while they still speak as they work for the same company, he's not invited to the wedding.

Good for you, Ooonana, I wish you well.

I am looking back at some comments on my post and I’m wondering how you got on with the meet up? I hope it went well and didn’t make things worse for you

Thankyou all for your letters of support.We are managing to be civil and now have odd meal together, old times sake arrangement. I’ll never trust him again and I’ve treated all this as a life lesson .

Just say, have we met before, smile and move on.

We met up with my ex at daughters wedding last Saturday. He was moving to Spain the next day and invited us to stay with him anytime we wanted.
Life's too short to hold grudges.

Maybe it's a bit soon to be able to be friends. As nipsmum says 'be pleasant and polite. Nothing else is required'. Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is the case here, but people like a 'back up' if things go wrong with the new partner. It seems he wasn't very nice to you at times, so why would you want him as a friend?

My advice is be pleasant and polite. Nothing else is required.

I was told once the best revenge is to be happy in your life without them. They hate that. So be polite but annoyingly cheerful and happy

My ex was violent and we had to leave the area to have an injunction served upon him. The court did not award him access to the children as he was so temperamental and stormed out of the court to take his 16 year old GF to work. However, when my DD got older she wanted to invite him her Wedding and other family occasions. I remembered how hurt I was that my mother would not let my father attend so I just accepted my DD's decision. I remain polite to him and do not enter into arguments. If he tries to accuse me about stuff from the past, I just say I regret a lot that happened and there were mistakes both sides before walking away as quickly as I can. He's an oick and I don't know how we ever got together but hey ho. My DD is gradually realising what is the truth and I have always been kinder about him than he is about me because he is her DF. That is now working in my favour and I'm not sure that he will get invited to things again!

keffie - love your final comment - 'he hasn't changed, I have'. So powerful and you're absolutely right. It's the only way to go.

If I never seen the ex in all of eternity it would still be too soon. It's a long story I won't bore you with and somehow, with a criminal 'record he has actually got into The U.S after being deported from Canada. It's a mad story you couldn't make up.

My 3 sons have nothing to do with him. They see my late second husband (who passrd this year) and I have been with 16 years has Dad. Only my daughter by the ex that has any contact. They all grown.

If my daughter decided to marry I would go to the wedding and take a friend with me for support. My boys wouldn't go if the ex was going.

Yes the ex was controlling and violent so that explains my stance on it. No contact nothing. I had to block him by text, email and social media over the years when he reared his head.

I can't have any sort of a relationship with him and nor do I want one. The ex turned on our eldest and that was when I finally took the youngsters and fled. No more.

Different for everyone. If you can remain friendly all well and good. In my case no chance and it's been 17 years since I left him. He hasn't changed. I have