Potentailly awkward birthday party

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Do not bring past differences up. Say nowt.
A celebration is neither the time nor place to 'thrash it out'.
I doubt very much whether you would have been invited if the family thought that there might be friction between you and the other party.
I might have misunderstood but it seems from your post that you like to talk everything through at length, even if no result is likely.
Take my advice. DO NOT mention past squabbles.
Go, enjoy, be pleasant to everyone and fgs don't apologise/question or make any reference whatsoever to past matters.
My own take on it is that you find it hard to 'drop' things which others don't want to discuss.
Your confessed 'anxiety' should not make you walk out. You are not the central figure in this celebration so your thoughts on resolving past conflicts, do not matter.
Forget about YOU and enjoy being part of the happy occasion.
Remember, least said - soonest mended.

Sorry to hear of your tense family dynamics. We all have them i'm sure. I have to ask if possibly the umbrage was taken due to stress and tiredness of coming to end of a challenging period of her own? Possibly other things going on you don't know about and now they all embarrassed and want to pretend it never happened? You suffering from anxiety will catastrophise and chew on it naturally.

Either ask yourself if you really want to go. Why do you want to go. Can you take anyone with you? Would it be possible to carry on as if nothing ever happened? Can you say to yourself 'I'm not going because I don't want to' and send apologies as ill'. Or will you feel you'd regret it?

I have to say I had an outburst from a relative 2 years ago and we didn't speak and then met in a hospital corridor visitng a mutual close relative. Both behaved in a civilised way and now do have communication.

Just remember they will feel awkward too.

Very best wishes for a good resolution and your peace.

GabriellaG, that's my first laugh of the day. Thank you!

I'm not sure that I understand how your DS younger twin could be your niece. She would be your sister...surely.

I don't like driving long distances by myself. Could you get a train/bus and then taxi locally? If you have to drive, make sure you take couple of breaks from the road. Leisurely cups of coffee at the services. Difficult problem with your niece. Would you consider going up to her, giving her a hug and saying 'it's lovely to see you'? That could break the ice. At the very least you will have made the effort and there's really not much else you can do. You may find that with the passing of time she may have mellowed.

Ask your niece for a lift to the party and present her with a thoughtful gift to say thanks thereby allowing the rift to heal itself.

I had this situation but with a friend who no longer speaks to me. I refused the invitation and justified it (to myself) by saying that if I went it might be awkward for other people.
You should only go if you think you can cope with it being awkward.
But then again, maybe I’m just a wimp ...

I would be reluctant to go to something like this if it seemed to be more trouble that it was worth. It's not like it is five minutes away with therefore a quick getaway.
I'd just say that I was unable to attend and expand no further. If other people want to make a fuss that's their look-out. Stay firm and try not to get involved in any further arguments whilst remaining calm and polite. Easier said than done. It's up to you how you spend your time.

As you're invited to lunch, you need an overnight stop. Personally, if affordable, I'd make that 2 nights or even 3. I love Airbnb as it's cheaper than a hotel, and you have a kitchen, and have never been disappointed. Go up Friday, come back Monday. I assume it's not possible to go by train or coach, even on a weekday? And there's no-one who could drive your car there, have a weekend away (with your car, it's fairly cheap to put someone on your fully comp car insurance) and drive you back?
Alternatively drive halfway there, and have an overnight stop.

Sorry meant DN problem

The long drive would put me off going as for the problem with DS if you go let it be her problem rise above it and be your normal self .However I decided that now I won't be accepting any invitations unless I really want to go as in the past I've accepted because I felt guilty or obligated to go this made me anxious and miserable so now I just give a polite no thank you

My sister and I have no relationship whatsoever as adults and whenever we meet at family events I smile sweetly and politely ask how she is, the family and their holiday plans.
This drives her mad and amuses my brothers, and me?
I am also very good friends with her mother in law who let's my sis ter know we've met and chatted.
Go to the party, stay overnight, maybe a relative could put you up overnight or recommend a good reasonably priced b&b or small hotel, then enjoy your lunch. Maybe even stay a second night.
When you meet your nice smile and ask how she is etc, how's work, family etc and if she's stiff and awkward say something like, "I'm so glad you're happy, that means a lot to me, especially being here to help celebrate your Ds birthday with everyone" then walk away smiling and talk to others.
If she's holding a grudge, everyone will see you're being reasonable and pleasant.
And please look ay alternate transport ideas, train bus or relatives, to ease the strain.

You've been invited to the celebration. Surely this is a way of your sister's family saying "let's move on". Make whatever accommodation and travel arrangements you need to make to feel comfortable and safe but don't stay with your sister or her family. Don't push it.

At the party be gracious, smile, greet everyone courteously and be interested in what everyone is doing. Don't apologise and whatever you do "don't mention the war!" The party is neither the time nor place to discuss whatever happened. There may never be the right time or place, sometimes it's the moving on that is more important than nitpicking over who said what and the perceived wrongs of the past. What's more important, believing you were right/aggrieved/misunderstood or being part of your family again? If you don't go you risk throwing away the olive branch that has been extended, possibly forever. Enjoy the party and the welcome back to your family. ??

I'm a coward now over driving long distances & have just decided not to even try it any more. The anxiety it gave me even at the planning stage ruined anticipation of even an enjoyable event! I now rely on train or plane (there are often cheap flights to/from most regional airports if you're flexible on flight times) Coaches are good too & very cheap. Anything that reduces the stress. If you take the advice to overnight in a comfortable place & have a less worrying journey, you can face the birthday celebrations. I bet you'll end up being glad you were brave enough to go. The thought of it is much worse than actually doing it! The others will have been so busy with their own lives during the past five years, that the old argument won't have the same importance for them as it does for you. Good luck!

So true Jane have poured my heart out about a very distressing family situation and his reply was to refute or deny the truth of what I had said and then spin a totally different line about him and his own point of view. No meeting in the middle, no acknowledgement of my pain. I was not heard. No help.
Hope the poster finds the advice here helpful. Is there no one she can go with so she woukd have some support.
Good luck.

What distance do you feel happy driving? Decide on that and stay overnight then travel on. Or make it a mini break and find a Premier inn. I always think they are good value no frills.and let bygones be bygones.

Crossed posts bluebelle

I agree with wildswan and monica.
You say you tried to discuss things with your DN and DS - unfortunately sometimes discussing a problem and ‘having it out’, doesn’t mean listening to the person who is upset, it simply means reiterating one’s own point of view.
Least said, soonest mended, usually works better, imho.
Your DS and BiL obviously want you there or they wouldn’t have invited you, so go and be pleasant and don’t be tempted to talk about what happened 5 years ago.

I agree with NfkDumpling and others they obviously want to heal the rift and you do really need to go with good vibes
Staying over is a good idea and is a train or coach a possibility being a non driver I can only imagine the stress of long distance driving
Life is very short as we get older, you need to see your family and obviously they want to see you or they wouldn’t have asked you BUT a warning they are obviously a family who don’t like to talk things through and you the opposite so please don’t bring anything up in an attempt to close or heal the past problem
Enjoy your brothers day no one knows how many are left x

I agree with the rest - go along, be your normal self and if your niece ignores you more fool her but it does sound as if they are holding out an olive branch so if so accept it.

As for driving all that distance I wouldn't even consider doing it in one day - it sounds as though you have to stay over anyway if you're going to sister's for lunch the following day so could you book the previous night too? Are you staying in the hotel itself? If so you can always retreat to your room for a quick break if it gets a bit too much.

I hope you enjoy the get together though - I love a good family 'do'

It sound to me as if there’s an attempt here to heal the rift. If you want it healed, take deep breaths, make the effort, and go. If not, don’t. It’s very easy though to make excuses and stay and home - and maybe regret it later. It all depends on how much you want to make up.

I agree with Wildswan and the others and Sodapop’s suggestion to stay over the night before sounds a good one. In all probability it’ll be a lovely family occasion. Five years is a long time and it’s a good opportunity to let by-gones be by-gones.

I agree with going too, if you feel up to it. It sounds as if your niece is ignoring you more than attacking you. If she tries to start something you can just say "This isn't the time or the place".

Some upsets are best forgotten than aired and discussed. I am with wildswan. Go the event, say 'hallo' as if nothing has happened and then chat or move on, as circumstances dictate.

There will be nearly 18 other people you can talk to so if your niece is still residually hostile, you can easily avoid her. But it may be that it will be best for both of you to forgive and forget by saying nothing and acting normally.

I agree with everyone who has suggested you go. Say 'hello' to your N and if she ignores you then let her get in with it.

Finding somewhere to stay over is a good idea.

I hope you go and enjoy yourself. Good luck.

TBH, I think that I would be in such a state with the stress of the long drive, plus not knowing what reception I would get when I arrived that I would probably not be able to go.
I think you’ve tried hard enough to patch up your differences. Stay at home, send profuse apologies and say that it’s just too far to travel.