In shock

I m sorry to disagree but I think you made this much worse by sending the text why didn’t you just leave it to peter out this way you have revved it all up again and now as the answer wasn’t to your liking you’re going to keep it going as you said ‘I ll try again tomorrow’ You re just fanning the flames more and more until it blows up big then you ll wonder why ?
You weren’t in the wrong in the first incident but by continuing to pick away at the sore you will be

I feel for you as it’s very difficult when you know you have been nothing but kind and caring but please please be the bigger person and let it die down remember a fire won’t flame without oxygen

Maybe the OPs DiL just likes causing a fuss and the attention it brings but to start something in front of her own child is unforgivable, as is dropping off her children to go clubbing. Don't her children come first?
There are many sides to this dilemma and I have great sympathy for anyone who goes through incidences like this. I hope the OP and her husband can calm the waters and take some time out without discussing it further.

peaches50 and Rosina
I wholeheartedly agree and your comments were beautifully phrased.

Good grief! gmelon I don't know how you put up with it all.
It must really wear you down.
I can only extend my very real sympathy and hope that you take care of your own wellbeing.

Lollee so well said. This isn't just a one off as it might have appeared DIL has mental health problems, that's it. These days of course we must understand and the individual isn't accountable. I speak from 13 years of a DIL who has demanded understanding because of her depression issues. Even though I live 100s of miles away it is always my fault when she throws a wobbler. I always reached out I doffed my cap in understanding because of my son and GC sometimes I defended back. Nothing worked! Now I see them all less but I still have a bond with my GC. I keep it in perspective as it seemed to have hurt me more than it did her. Please don't pander or give up. Be there but don't take any blame? Best of luck x

Plumblady.......totally agree. But walking on eggshells is such an exhausting, stressful way to live. I just feel the good guys shouldn't have to watch every action or word they say, dancing around the unreasonable one in order to keep the peace. The worst part being that you can never win, something you do or say will always be taken amiss. People who have mental issues but who are functioning and are not actually insane sometimes need to have their bad behaviour pointed out and told they are making others unhappy. We never really ever grow up and just like children our bad behaviour needs to be pointed out. I guess the quandary is who does the telling may be the one in the wrong

I agreed with all the posts until you posted about the response to your text. I think that's not on - you held out the hand to build bridges but you have been rejected. Is your son controlled by his wife - sounds like he is, bringing up the business of asking if DGD if her parents had had a row - ok not the wisest thing to say but it's been blown up out of all proportion. And DIL didn't speak to you for 5 months - why was that - the comment you made to DGD. Yes she's an emotionally damaged young woman but she should not be allowed to trample over your feelings - they are just as valid as hers. I'd wait before making any more contact and it might be best to talk face to face because texts can be misinterpreted.

No one is saying all bad behaviour is down to mental issues. Each case has to be judged separately. There are people who are just unpleasant and controlling, but there are circumstances, like this one, where it can be seen that there could be mental problems behind the behaviour and this lady's background and the problems that go with her outburst is almost a classic textbook example of the problems people with her background can have. She is already being treated for anxiety and depression.

I recognised the problem as likely to be psychological because I had a relative, whom I knew from childhood to his death in his 80s. He had a similar childhood background, similar problems and was on similar medication for many years. He also had several spells as an in-patient in psychiatric units.

Not saying ALL bad behaviour is down to mental issues, lollee, just that it seems that way in the case of the DIL. But whatever it's down to, maybe walking on eggshells is what's needed for the grandchildren, until they are old enough to see the situation for what it is. Walked on eggshells with my Ex-DH for 16 years or so while my DS was growing up. I've most definitely stopped now.....what a relief....hehehehe.

Why does everyone these days assume all bad behaviour is down to mental issues? Some people are unkind and nasty just as some are kind and caring. Do the latter have mental issues? Some Dils just prefer partying with friends than being social with their partner's family and they don't care if their behaviour upsets people. They lash out at those who seem superior because they feel inferior and instead of addressing the issue it is easier to carry on and not even try to act with common courtesy and decency in case they are 'seen through' or people still find them difficult. Every one of us knows a person like the dil in question, sometimes they can make the effort and change, others just don't want to. Not really much any of us can do. If there was a way to make everyone nice................well there isn't is there. I just feel so sorry for those who have to walk on eggshells around these people.

Can you not just apologise for the way your question came across? Maybe a child has misinterpreted it but it probably wasn't the wisest conversation you've ever had. I am sure that your DS will accept that you are mortified that this has been seen this way and it won't happen again. Maybe in time your DIL will lighten up with the anti-depressants and this moment will pass.

It sounds like a situation my best friend is in with her DIL except hers doesn't need the assistance of alcohol to stir things up! Very tricky, but even trickier for your son and the children I imagine. Sounds like a mental health issue which may, or may not ever, resolve. My friend over the years has adopted a very philosophical approach, although it hasn't come without much pain and tears. She focuses on "doing what's best for the children and letting time pass". Hope you also can come to terms with it, you're undoubtedly going to have to. Hugs xxx

I've had a reply from the above text message and he agreed with his wife that I have questioned DgD about there relationship. I replied saying the only time I asked if mum and dad had a row was last year when they were all invited to a family get together. Son was coming straight from work so he arrived seperately. DIL dropped the children off at the kerb side she never came in or speak to us, sent message with Dgc that she was ill. When son arrived he didn't know she wasn't coming. After 3 days I saw a post on FB that she had gone to a local night club with friends. I never told her that I knew this. But she didn't speak to us for 5 months but didn't stop us seeing DGC or son. We let that go always asked how she was sent text messages to her etc. Then one day she started speaking again.
I have said that maybe the context of the conversation I had with DGD has been mistaken. I also said that I'm not a bad person I only care. I've not had any reply from Dil. I've tried and will try again tomorrow.

Thank you for all your responses they have helped me a lot as I've felt upset since this happened.

I understand only too well why you are hurt and why your DH feels you shouldn't contact them first, but please, please, do try just to let this go, as others advise.

You risk it escalating to a full-blown family row if you say or do anything here. It is typical behaviour for some-one who is on anti-depressants, had a drink or two, and has an inferiority complex due to a difficult childhood.

IF your DIL apologies fine, if not, assume she has forgotten all about what she said. If your son mentions it to you, say you were astonished and yes, hurt, but have no idea what the remark really was about.

Far more worrying is the thought that your ten year old GD might bring it up next time she sees you and ask what it was all about. I have absolutely no idea, what I would say to that, perhaps something along the lines that I honestly don't know what her mummy meant.

I do hope it blows over - I am sure it was either her depression or the drink talking.

My sister can have manic episodes when she is stressed or sometimes for no reason at all. She will say things that are very twisted and mean. My family just ignores these times because it serves no purpose to bring them up. Nine times out of 10 she forgets about them. And if you do confront her either during the episode or after she will again twist what she said it's basically a conflict you will never win. Going back and being extra nice to her is also rather toxic for you because she does not deserve it.
Make life easier for yourself and just let it go.

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Sounds like she sees you more like a mother than a MIL. A combination of anti depressants alcohol and maybe a low mood might have resulted in the situation. I imagine she is desperate for a hug. More common sense needed.

Sorry you are so hurt. Drink+anti depressants+anxiety+life stresses is not a good combination. Unfortunately as she obviously trusts and feels at ease with you (like daughters do with mothers, despite her being dil) you were on the receiving end of the outburst. Her feelings of being excluded are there under the surface all the time and she is now openly catastrophising. A note/text/email from her apologising and saying her behaviour was not your fault is necessary. Please try and keep up the communications. I have to say she must feel fairly confident of your support and affection to think she could vent like that.

Any chance you could overcome your deep hurt and sadness and text her asking what went wrong and can you talk?

Yes, yes and yes to all M0nica's posts and those of a similar ilk. Low self-worth can cause these issues and her outburst has probably left her confirming that she is even more worthless; it really is a vicious circle. I keep reiterating that they need to take everything I say from a place of love and then they will have no reason to worry. I don't know whether it stops them worrying much but it does keep giving the 'love' message. I figure that the drip, drip effect of negativity as a child might fade a bit if I drip, drip, drip, a whole lotta love!

In my experience alcohol makes people brave and shed their inhibitions. This can translate to saying things you feel but would not usually give voice to without the aid of drink. It sounds as if she has been stewing over this for 4 years. However, she is an adult and should realise that children often repeat things in the wrong context and with the wrong words. Some people are not happy unless causing drama or being centre stage, it can't always be excused by upbringing or depression. I know this doesn't give advice but I am not sure that people like this can be reasoned with. The more unpleasant they are the more people avoid or dislike them and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy of 'nobody likes me/loves me/cares' etc.

What a lovely post, peaches. How true- love and praise are great fertilisers and that is where children get their confidence and security.

agree with all previous posts - dragonfly especially. My DH had an abusive childhood with a cruel mother and step father. He is gentle and kind but cannot believe anybody truly loves him (except me thankfully) no matter how many times we all tell him and show in tangible ways. Let time be the healer, don't overly fawn over her as she will feel you are being artificial esp if she does believe she behaved badly. Shield your DGC and be natural. for the upset and unkind way you were treated. And have compassion for a damaged soul. How lucky are we who had a happy upbringing. I was told very day of my life how wonderful, funny, clever and loved I was and try to spread that message to my own family and others. We all need that 'cuddle' dont we? Please let us know how things progress esp with DS who must feel torn between the two women he loves.

In a funny way it is a compliment. She must have confidence in you.

Keep going, the problems will pass.

She is clearly unwell and insecure. You are handling it well.
Lots of love and reassurance is the best thing you can give.
She may have had a surge of maternal abandonment when she felt she had been ignored and that can happen at anytime when someone with her issues feels threatened or uncomfortable . You are the embodiment of the mother she wanted and was denied, so sometimes when she sounds as if she is punishing you, it is transference for the unresolved feelings she has for her own mother.

A similar thing happened with my DiL last year about this time. She had lost a baby at 20 weeks pregnant and was feeling very fragile as was DS. She stormed off one day accusing us of not caring. I texted my son and her the next day and fortunately got a very long text back from DiL explaining how she felt. She comes from a split family where Dad promised the earth but never delivered. He is now back on the scene as she has children of her own and he wants to be part of their lives. She loves this of course.
Over this past year I have made sure to be kind to her, sent her texts asking how she is as they live 200 miles away we don't see them very often. When she gave birth to a baby boy in March she asked me if I would go down and help her out with the two children and according to my son I did brilliantly.
Last week I sent her some peonies simply because I know she loves them. She was thrilled. My son is looking after the two children alone this weekend and has asked me to go down again which I am delighted to do.
The relationship between MiL and DiL is not unconditional and requires work at times. I regard myself as the grownup so I am the one who goes the extra mile.
I am sure your DiL is feeling bad about what she said and rather than sweeping it under the carpet maybe bring it up and try to discuss what is really behind it.