Differing retirement ideas!

I'm glad to hear it M0nica, and I'm sad to hear you think I'm talking nonsense but I don't think you should be dismissive of 'younger women' and their views either. If you noticed, I said 'some women' not all. I'm sure there are many sassy women out there who are proud to be independent and strong, but you must see on these pages that there are many who aren't as well.
Maybe you were more fortunate than others to live an independent life and I do remember my mother's generation not having that luxury.

Get some help, do something you love and somewhere try and find a day to do something together. Retirement is a huge time e of adjustment.

sassenach512 I am sorry, but your post is absolute nonsense. I am in my mid-70s and my group and those older are no more likely to be doormats than any other age group. I can remember the how relationships worked for my parent's generation, born in the early years of the last century and doormat and submissive marriages were as uncommon then as they are now.

You shouldn't believe all the rubbish younger women and current media publish about women's lives before 2000. Most of us lived our lives as independent women and were not submissive to men.

I'm with you jenpax, you can almost guess the age group of the posters by their willingness to put up with c..p and be complete doormats, which is why they seem to post on here for advice because they just can't find it in them to tell their men to take a hike. " better not confront poor Herbert, he's busy fiddling with his train set in the loft, I'll just have to lay this carpet myself "

There has to be some sort of chip in some women's mental make-up which glitches, when they allow their men-folk to revert to adultescent teenagers while 'mum' takes care of everything.

People keep saying get a cleaner but op has said they are on pensions and dip into savings. I am blessed with a DH who while steady on a ladder does not change light bulbs ( don't ask , best a veil drawn) so I book in our handyman when I collect several jobs. We had a roof leak about two years ago which although torrential at the time and now repaired the ceiling stain has passed totally unnoticed by DH. I wobbled up the ladder and daubed it with stain block. Still not noticed by DH. I would love to have his indifference to the degradations that happen to a neglected house. He is always slightly bewildered when workmen appear

We do seem to hear about those men who don't share the chores. I am absolutely certain there are men out there caring for sick partners, doing more than their share of chores and looking after grandchildren. Let's hear about them now.

When I was in primary school in the late 1950s, I honestly believed that women got their pension sooner because they never retired from keeping house.

Men need guidance, when he gets out of bed, say make the bed Darling and I,ll get the tea, going in the garden Darling put the washing on the line, but at the end of all this, housework, maybe 2 hours max a day, then enjoy yourself, watch films, read books, go shopping (nice shopping) not food. Enjoy yourself on any day you are free because he is.

I am as usual shocked at the tolerance shown to selfish husbands! Why are intelligent competent women allowing themselves to become taken for granted door mats/mother figures to elderly men! We are living in an age where equality is espoused, yet I hear over and over of husbands who do little or nothing around the house, no help with caring for GC and none for elderly relatives, men who are mean with money or controlling and women make excuses for them! Men who put their own hobbies as a serious priority yet begrudge their wives any time to themselves! Men who won’t mark birthdays or anniversaries not because both have agreed this but merely due to selfish meanest!!!
Unpaid employment such as caring for small children has a value as much as paid employment and it’s high time this was recognised! If the unpaid child care and elder care wasn’t done then paid people would have to do it at umpteen costs to the economy!
This isn’t aimed at anyone by the way but is my general observation from reading through various threads. Maybe it’s a generational thing as the grans on here are from a wide age range. But speaking only for my own social group of 40/50 year olds we would not tolerate much that others seem to pacify accept with only a passing grumble!

My OH still insists on doing DiY, unfortunately he will only do about an hour then he says he's 'had enough for today' and downs tools leaving a mess to be cleaned up. It took 4 months for him to redecorate the kitchen by which time I was at my wits end with the constant mess. I have now said he can't do anymore and I will pay someone to come in and do it in future so that I can be tidy agin quickly. I think you would be better off paying to get your DiY done if he has no interest in doing these jobs.

Point is Nanna58 hes doing all the things he wants to do and not considering you. you should tackle this. You've got loads of suggestions. He is being selfish not lazy. Try not to stress though.

My husband is good at helping (most of the time) and he does share a lot of the housework but diy is always his territory and as I watch him doing the interesting jobs out painting the fence or gardening while I do the usual humdrum stuff I would love to change places. But no way would he swop. And then you are asked to supply tea etc as he deserves this for doing the jobs for you .

He gets away with it because he is allowed to. He has emotionally reverted to adolescence.
If you are unhappy just say so. Or write him a letter if you do not want a confrontation. Start with I love you very much but I need your help and support so that we can both enjoy our lives. Point out any positives that he brings to your relationship, then 'sandwich in' the main negatives, perhaps just a couple, this is a work in progress, then finish again with reassurance of your love and thanks for what he does do and what you have achieved together.
This does work. At the moment he is probably a bit carried away with his new freedom but you are not his mother. You need an adult to adult conversation where you are both equals. Ask him what he suggests so that you can both enjoy your life equally while also addressing family responsibilities.

Nanna58 I am very thankful not to have your circumstances and think I would just say to him that I have been thinking about what he said about enjoying life now we are retired and how right he is and what a good idea it is. Then I would tell him that I have been preparing the groundwork and present him with all the quotations/estimates for all the things that need doing now and will do in the future together with the estimate for the regular cleaning you are going to have done and the additional cleans for the extras like the oven and the deep cleans. You also present him with the house valuation in case he thinks that is too much to spend on maintenance and details of property for sale that either you fancy or you know he won't fancy. You know him so have fun, be Machiavellian and keep an enthusiastic and excited face on. Whilst you have been preparing all this do make notes of all the things you want to do now that you are both going to be retired. My DS would say, "The fun is in the plotting" but it might just make him think, sort out the differences and give you ideas!

Depending on the nature of the jobs, is it possible that you could hire a young person quite cheaply to handle them? Obviously there would be some things (roof repair, for example) that would require a professional. But if it's something such as lawn mowing, would it be an option to hire a teenager in your neighbourhood to take care of it? This would save you the expense of hiring a professional service, provide some income and responsibility to a young person, and decrease the frustration.

Why do men think they deserve to ‘’enjoy’’ themselves, and we women don’t?

I would be out doing a hobby sometimes when he expects lunch, dinner or an ironed outfit for his enjoyment out.

Should have said check where you live!

Check with AgeUK and see if they have a Handyman option. They do little jobs for a small fee.

What I sometimes say to Dh is, 'Are you ever going to fix that, or shall I get a Man in?' (Strong emphasis on Man!)

Though to be fair, he's not too bad on the whole!

I'm with Luckygirl and Tanith. Get a cleaner and someone in to do your jobs. If your husband wants to whinge about it tell him to pull his weight or you will get paid help in...and he will be footing the bill

Maggiemaybe.....I am with you there. Hardly ever iron, today's fabrics don't seem to crease like they once did. I take from washer hang on hangers on line and hey presto no creases, so it is nothing to do with low standards, I would never go out in creased clothes. In winter get them out of tumbler quick sharp and onto hangers, again no creases

If I understand it, you’re happy with him doing what he does, and with your days, but you are getting upset with decorating and house maintenance not being done. Did you use to do these things together when he worked ?.

You say there are four days you are free from other commitments, why don’t suggest using these days to work together on these chores, and reward yourselves for a job well done. I don’t know.... spend a couple of days painting, or cleaning carpets or whatever, then have a day out together having, acting your shoe size not your age.

Let him see that you want retirement to be playtime together regardless to it being house maintenance or going for a picnic or a walk.

I’m not explaining myself very well, I hope you understand what I’m saying

Don't suggest.
It leaves you open to the accusation of 'nagging'. And why should you continue to try to arrange things while he gives no thought to any of it?
Tell him which things you won't be doing, as part of taking it easier in your retirement, and then don't do them.

Try WE have worked so hard all our lives and hire someone for one job ( worth it for sanity ) and see how it works out,if you don't one day one of you will be left with a really big problem.How long has your husband been retired? Maybe after a while he will realize----suggest he makes one evening meal a week and see how that goes.Let him make his own breakfast and lunch and you go out with friends.Get him to babysit one day and he will realize how much love and fun he has ,also the dear GC will ask for him.Worth a try,don't get too stressed ,maybe go with him on one of his projects.
The very best of luck

Encourage him to enjoy himself. He will probably live longer. Explain however there is the annual maintenance of the house and you have two tradesmen coming to quote would he like to be present etc. You can get their names off Age Concerns trusted trader list.

I am in the process of booking a cleaning agency to do quarterly deepcleans so that i do not have to spend my time cleaning. We all deserve some time in old age to enjoy ourselves.

You can also go on the Helpex www.helpx.net/ or
the workaway site www.workaway.info/
to get people to help in return for board and lodging. We have 2 or three every year. Have just had a lovely Italian Girl aged 35 for 10 days who cooked marvelous meals and helped in the garden etc. I just wish she could have stayed longer. She was visiting a friend in a nearby village.