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Differing retirement ideas!

(85 Posts)
Nanna58 Tue 12-Jun-18 22:30:42

Anyone else struggling with different ideas on what retirement entails? My OH is reluctant to do any of the diy , maintenence jobs that really need doing around the house, saying “I’ve worked all my life and now intend to enjoy myself” and spends his time bowling, watching sport , at his allotment, and volunteering at the Oxfam shop, while the house disintegrates around us, I don’t really have the time to take it over, I look after our DGS 3 days a week, have a 92 yr old mother who requires a lot of help, and do the cleaning, shopping, cooking etc. Don’t know how to get him to pull his weight, he just says I’m nagging. I’m at my wits end!

Luckygirl Tue 12-Jun-18 22:32:26

Get a cleaner!

tanith Tue 12-Jun-18 22:42:19

Get someone in to do the repairs/maintenance when he starts getting bills maybe he will start pulling his weight.

stella1949 Tue 12-Jun-18 22:43:38

Engage a handyman to do all the jobs, then give DH the bill.

sassenach512 Tue 12-Jun-18 23:59:56

Why is it that men call it nagging when all you want is a bit of co-operation and (shock horror)... help?
Stop doing all the cleaning, shopping and cooking and get yourself a hobby that takes you out of the house on the days you're not otherwise busy.
When he wends his way back from the allotment/bowling/Oxfam shop and finds no tea ready or a clean shirt waiting to slip into, he might realise the life of Riley is meant for you as well as him smile

janeainsworth Wed 13-Jun-18 07:58:13

Maybe he thinks you are too busy to spend any time with him?
Presumably it’s your choice to look after your DGS and elderly mother?
There has to be some compromise in retirement if you’re not going to spend your later years just resenting each other.

gillybob Wed 13-Jun-18 08:05:08

Or maybe he’s just a completely selfish old git janeainsworth maybe if he helped to look after DGS and elderly Mother in law, there would be more time to spend together (assuming of course that he wants to spend time with the OP and not just do his own thing all the time).

Looking after family is not always a choice we can make, it is often a necessity when there’s no one else to do it.

sodapop Wed 13-Jun-18 08:06:11

I agree with the other posters, pay someone to help you with cleaning, maintenance etc. Don't feel resentful just resolve the problem to allow you to have some leisure time too.
janeainsworth has a point that you and your husband need to find time for each other as well.

Cabbie21 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:39:20

I have a similar problem but for a different reason. DH is no longer physically able to do much of the DIY he used to do. I have a list of jobs I hoped he would do in retirement.
When we tried to contact various tradesmen they were either too busy, or failed to turn up when they promised. So it is not an easy solution.

kittylester Wed 13-Jun-18 08:42:34

I think AgeUk have a list of trades people that have been vetted.

Nanna58 Wed 13-Jun-18 08:44:00

If I had a cleaner she wouldn’t do the diy! I could pay someone but as on pensions would have to use savings. Which we do for large jobs, but I would begrudge for such small things. As for the posters that seem to suggest things are like this beacUse I don’t make enough time for him because I CHOOSE? to look after my DGS and mother, there are still on average four days a week where we are free to do things together, far more than when I worked, and I have hobbies and friends thank you. We get on well in other respects it’s just this driving me crazy. Many thanks to those posters who realised this was a diy whine and not a marriage in crisis lol

FarNorth Wed 13-Jun-18 08:50:09

You could ask him for his help to organise all the things that need done, including care of DGS and your mother.
Have a list and ask him to help you decide who should do what - you / him / paid help.
Pin him down to whether he thinks total free time in retirement is only for him while you keep on working - paid employment is not the only kind of work.

If you get nowhere with that, stop doing any cooking, laundry etc for him. That might focus his mind.

MawBroon Wed 13-Jun-18 08:54:31

If it was just a DIY moan, why call your thread “Differing retirement ideas” ? That implies an entirely different perspective of your life together.
If DIY is the problem, what did he do about it before you both retired?
Some men have no inclination and even less ability in this area and are best discouraged from even trying!

Teetime Wed 13-Jun-18 08:57:19

Oh yes indeed get some paid help with some of your workload and use that time for yourself. Put the house on the market - that will shock him!

merlotgran Wed 13-Jun-18 09:02:05

I would have found it very hard to cope with my elderly mother's care issues if I hadn't had DH's support. Likewise house and grounds maintenance.

Retirements shouldn't be just about enjoying yourself and leaving your other half to cope with home and family.

Maggiemaybe Wed 13-Jun-18 09:48:43

Your DH is dealing with the allotment, which presumably benefits both of you, and is volunteering, so I think it’s unfair that he’s being seen by some as selfish. He does though need to take his share of the day to day stuff. Could he be persuaded to have a go at cooking all that allotment produce? DH discovered his inner chef when he retired, after a lifetime of having no interest in it, and has taken over all the catering now, which is great. And/or he could share the childcare, which he might like and which would make life easier for you? I think the trick is to find things he would enjoy, and that he would see as a good use of his retirement, that would also benefit you.

Maggiemaybe Wed 13-Jun-18 09:56:48

Oh, and I agree with MawBroon about the maintenance - some men are best kept well away from a hammer!

MawBroon Wed 13-Jun-18 10:18:23

Mine certainly was!
Fortunately he recognised that eventually. One reason I have a garage full of “the right” tools mostly barely used.

gillyknits Wed 13-Jun-18 10:51:20

Let’s face it, women never retire!😁

Jaycee5 Wed 13-Jun-18 10:57:52

Cabbie21 I find Mumsnet the best place to find tradesmen for small jobs. I found both someone to fix my washing machine who arrived within 30 minutes of the call and only charged the call out fee, and someone to take away the rubbish who charged less than the estimate they gave and were very nice. It's worth a look there.

GabriellaG Wed 13-Jun-18 11:03:56

Methinks it's time to stop making the bed, cooking dinner, cleaning the house. grin

Coconut Wed 13-Jun-18 11:10:32

Shocking that in this day and age there are so many men that still behave so selfishly like this, I so feel for you Nanna58.
Instead of asking why he treats you like this, twist it round and ask why are you allowing him to. As others have said get a cleaner, get a handy man ... don’t cook him dinner, tell him you are on a diet and have salad and let him fend for himself. Don’t do his ironing either ... think how much control you actually have at your finger tips ... and ask yourself an honest question ...” in what way does he enhance your life ?” After all, isn’t that what marriages are about, a partnership in love, respect, caring and helping each other. I wish you luck 💐

knickas63 Wed 13-Jun-18 11:14:07

As others have said - hire a handyman and send him the Bill. While your at it, also hire a Cleaner, and let him know you have also retired and intend to enjoy yourself!

knickas63 Wed 13-Jun-18 11:16:27

To add - you wont have to do this for long - he will get the message!

GabriellaG Wed 13-Jun-18 11:19:11

I find it laughable that some people indulge in persuasion or cajoling their OH to do household tasks that need doing.
They are not babies to be offered a treat for tidying their room but men who once had reasonably responsible employment.
What would the OPs husband say, if he arrived home after his day playing bowls to find no dinner, unmade bed, dishes in sink, house untidy, laundry not put in machine?
I'd have no problem leaving the chores until he realised that keeping house is a joint venture and I was not an unpaid housekeeper.