Differing retirement ideas!

Absolutely not!

No saggi not all of us!

Although I have worked, my smaller £ contribution was never really valued, and certainly my “domestic“ input wasn't appreciated. My husband takes the view that as he pays for most things, it absolves him from the responsibility of so much as taking his used crockery into the kitchen. He has never had to spend very much time at work, as he employs a manager, and has consequently had semi-retirement for years.

I have given up trying to change his view, but would I tolerate it again if I could rewind 35 years? No!

Were all Unpaid housekeepers....unpaid childminders....I'm also an unpaid decorator ( 46 years and counting) ..... Unpaid gardener 46 years )....unpaid cook (46 years) . He paid 37 new pence for our wedding licence .... not sure he thinks he's had his money's worth yet. Oh and 51 years of paid ( out of home) employment. !!!! We all have MUG printed on our foreheads and don't know how to scrub it off!!!!

I see nothing wrong in pointing out to the dear man that you do get his point that he has worked all his life and now is entitled to some fun, but that you have worked all your life too, and his retirement has not lightened your workload, as you are still attending to all the housekeeping.

If you did so uncomplainingly all your married life as well as working at some job that brought in a salary "You're a better man than I, Gunga Din!" If you were at home all those years (very unlikely in our generation) then probably your DH has never realised that you might want to do less too now.

Sit him down and explain your expectations of retirement. He can doubtless understand the argument that it would be most unwise not to keep up repairs to the house - some day you may want or need to sell it, after all. And a glance at the actual amount of money the pair of you have to live on and at your outgoings should settle any discussion of DIY versus a handyman.

One thing I’ve learnt from this that genuinely surprises me. People still iron. Unless you need a crisp white shirt every day, why?

I guess I just have low standards, but I doubt I spend 30 minutes a day on housework. The time consumers are probably cooking, gardening and sorting the rubbish. I’m happy to say my DH does these (and actually enjoys the first two).

Nan58, unfortunately you cannot have it both ways. Either you grin and bear it or you dip into your savings to pay for the job your DH won't do. Just make sure he knows that you are depleting your savings to keep the house in good order and the problems this will cause.

We had more free time when we were working full time and we find we are forever running errands, keeping appointments and making phone calls correcting other people's 'companies' mistakes. When we do have a little free time where we don't have to go to the Drs, Hospital, Dentist etc we find that we are too worn out to actually do anything of great value.

I have always done everything around the house including DIY, as my husband is simply not interested in practical things. Being a few years older than my husband I have recently retired while he still goes to work. I announced that I was now too old to do building and as I hate gardening I will not do it any more. When the garden was overgrown I said to him "Should I get a gardener in - it's £300 to clear the garden - or would you like to do it?" He did it

Stop doing his washing/ironing, say no time. Do not empty bins in kitchen, wait till overflowing and say you have not had time. "I ate out so not cooking today...no time anyway". Need I go on....

Other bigger things like general house maintenance more tricky, but the above a good place to start. I know the bin trick worked for me.

I find it laughable that some people indulge in persuasion or cajoling their OH to do household tasks that need doing.
They are not babies to be offered a treat for tidying their room but men who once had reasonably responsible employment.
What would the OPs husband say, if he arrived home after his day playing bowls to find no dinner, unmade bed, dishes in sink, house untidy, laundry not put in machine?
I'd have no problem leaving the chores until he realised that keeping house is a joint venture and I was not an unpaid housekeeper.

To add - you wont have to do this for long - he will get the message!

As others have said - hire a handyman and send him the Bill. While your at it, also hire a Cleaner, and let him know you have also retired and intend to enjoy yourself!

Shocking that in this day and age there are so many men that still behave so selfishly like this, I so feel for you Nanna58.
Instead of asking why he treats you like this, twist it round and ask why are you allowing him to. As others have said get a cleaner, get a handy man ... don’t cook him dinner, tell him you are on a diet and have salad and let him fend for himself. Don’t do his ironing either ... think how much control you actually have at your finger tips ... and ask yourself an honest question ...” in what way does he enhance your life ?” After all, isn’t that what marriages are about, a partnership in love, respect, caring and helping each other. I wish you luck ?

Nanna58
Methinks it's time to stop making the bed, cooking dinner, cleaning the house.

Cabbie21 I find Mumsnet the best place to find tradesmen for small jobs. I found both someone to fix my washing machine who arrived within 30 minutes of the call and only charged the call out fee, and someone to take away the rubbish who charged less than the estimate they gave and were very nice. It's worth a look there.

Let’s face it, women never retire!?

Mine certainly was!
Fortunately he recognised that eventually. One reason I have a garage full of “the right” tools mostly barely used.

Oh, and I agree with MawBroon about the maintenance - some men are best kept well away from a hammer!

Your DH is dealing with the allotment, which presumably benefits both of you, and is volunteering, so I think it’s unfair that he’s being seen by some as selfish. He does though need to take his share of the day to day stuff. Could he be persuaded to have a go at cooking all that allotment produce? DH discovered his inner chef when he retired, after a lifetime of having no interest in it, and has taken over all the catering now, which is great. And/or he could share the childcare, which he might like and which would make life easier for you? I think the trick is to find things he would enjoy, and that he would see as a good use of his retirement, that would also benefit you.

I would have found it very hard to cope with my elderly mother's care issues if I hadn't had DH's support. Likewise house and grounds maintenance.

Retirements shouldn't be just about enjoying yourself and leaving your other half to cope with home and family.

Oh yes indeed get some paid help with some of your workload and use that time for yourself. Put the house on the market - that will shock him!

If it was just a DIY moan, why call your thread “Differing retirement ideas” ? That implies an entirely different perspective of your life together.
If DIY is the problem, what did he do about it before you both retired?
Some men have no inclination and even less ability in this area and are best discouraged from even trying!

You could ask him for his help to organise all the things that need done, including care of DGS and your mother.
Have a list and ask him to help you decide who should do what - you / him / paid help.
Pin him down to whether he thinks total free time in retirement is only for him while you keep on working - paid employment is not the only kind of work.

If you get nowhere with that, stop doing any cooking, laundry etc for him. That might focus his mind.

If I had a cleaner she wouldn’t do the diy! I could pay someone but as on pensions would have to use savings. Which we do for large jobs, but I would begrudge for such small things. As for the posters that seem to suggest things are like this beacUse I don’t make enough time for him because I CHOOSE? to look after my DGS and mother, there are still on average four days a week where we are free to do things together, far more than when I worked, and I have hobbies and friends thank you. We get on well in other respects it’s just this driving me crazy. Many thanks to those posters who realised this was a diy whine and not a marriage in crisis lol