Differing retirement ideas!

It's weird. I looked forward to retirement but DH and I still work on a part time basis [paid] and I do lots of voluntary work [unpaid]. Pottering about doesn't suit us. Having different interests means we get to have all sorts of things to talk about.

oldbatty Sensible or not we do iron some things to avoid looking as if we sleep in our clothes!

The most sensible thing on this thread is nobody irons

sassenach my gran had a very hard upbringing working in jute mills from an early age.
When they married my gp's opened a corner shop. Gran ran it alone when g'dad was in the forces.
Mum earned a bursary to the local academy and her parents made sacrifices to keep her there-a move which paid off. No question of privilege, just determination, hard work and long hours.

Yes he is being selfish and lazy. We are both retired and have a mix of leisure time for hobbies and things that still need doing. Since retirement my husband has helped more with housework and cleaning/shopping and does the lions share of DIY. We have GC one day a week and both do that together. Does your DH not help with DGS?

I don't think it is nagging to ask him to pull his weight. Maybe a few weeks of you not putting a meal in front of him or buying food or washing his bowling whites may concentrate his mind. Does he not see how unfair it is? Also 3 days is a lot of childcare. Do you mind doing that? My DD will not ask us to do more than one day as she says that is not what our retirement is for.

Nanna58 says she helps her elderly mother and helps with childcare. I suppose it is a choice but, in my view, it is probably a choice borne out of necessity of a person who doesn't want to see those close to her having a hard time.

It is admirable that Nanna's husband does voluntary work at an Oxfam shop. But as his wife appears to be at the end of her tether coping with her grandchildren and her mother, on top of all the general housekeeping chores, I think it would be more admirable if he allocated some time to helping her and having a bit more thought for her enjoyment, as well as his own, in retirement.

Having said that, I think perhaps retaliating by not cooking meals, leaving the house in a messy state may just ramp up the bad feeling and make him even less cooperative. Somebody suggested writing a letter saying exactly how tired, sad and anxious the current state of affairs is making you feel. As an initial attempt to get your feelings across properly without ending up arguing or getting upset, I would try that first.

If all else fails, depending on how much savings you have, I would dip into them to get the various issues sorted out in the house. Provided you wouldn't be depleting all your savings, aren't they meant to be used for these sorts of things? I do think your husband is being selfish though.

There are always 'choices' - my DM passed 'the scholarship' but finances and logistics prevented her from going to grammar school, so she left the village school at 14 (having spent the last year teaching the infants).
However, she did seize opportunities and worked in London and various other places around the country. People have always travelled and moved around the country and overseas far more than we think they did.

that is the end of the matter as far as I am concerned, I see no need for further debate, I suggest you bring an end to your barrage too.

I meant truncate.

mcem, didn't you say your gran ran a small business? surely that must have helped your mum get on in life? Mine had to leave school at 14 and work in the pit canteen, her mother was widowed so every bit of money was needed to keep the family above water and I've no doubt that she worked damn hard too.
It doesn't matter what the mindset is, some have better choices in life than others

Do you mean 'shorten' discussion M0nica? I can see I'm going to have to brush up on my vocabulary in future

Yes sassenach that’s one of the things I value about Gransnet.
I’ve learned a lot from reading the posts of MOnica and others who have broadened my outlook in many ways.
Just for the avoidance of doubt, that is meant in all sincerity.

What I don’t enjoy reading are comments laced with passive aggression.

sassenach you say there weren't university opportunities in your pit village. The same could be said of the cotton and jute mills. But strong women like my gran (backed by g'dad) made sacrifices to let mum stay on at school past 14. Post-war my young parents worked hard so that both could embark on the training they needed for their planned careers and they succeeded.
Opportunities don't just occur and my family didn't 'break away' to have careers. They buckled down and worked damn hard, so I don't buy into the mindset that says there were no choices to be made.

Do you mean 'shorten' discussion M0nica? I can see I'm going to have to brush up on my vocabulary in future.
I can understand how you must get plenty of criticism, maybe if you stop taking lesser mortals to task and learn to scroll past posts which displease you?

My two emails were hardly a barrage, but you must expect to see the views you express criticised on GransNet if someone thinks them wrong. I get plenty of criticism and deal with it, but not by trying to truncate discussion.

Yes Jalimal, I have heard of women's lib, maybe there was a lot of 'swinging 60s' in places like London, not much of it going on in our pit village. Times change in varying degrees depending on where you live.

Sodapop
Here here!!
I live with a wonderful man. But it was inferred on another thread that when you post of how good things are in your world, you make people feel worse.
But he knows that I will be eternally grateful for all that he has given and done for me.

I have never been a doormat either at 20, 30, 50, 70 or now at 80.

We have always done DIY together and I have wallpapered all the rooms in this house I'm in, many times in the last 40 years. When I do I have DH as odd job man and cook and when he is working I help him as well. We work very well as a team it is one of the best things about our marriage.

If Nanna58 is having trouble with OH then I would let him really do nothing for about 4 months just to relax and to enjoy not working then I would start and try to get him used to working again.
My sister in law gave me some good advice when I was first married. I told her DH washed up when I had migraine and she said well if I were you I'd have migraine more often.
Whatever you do don't spoil him.

The suggestion that older women were more likely to be subservient haus fraus is ridiculous.
Definitely women in their 70s were not subservient M0nica unless they either chose to be or married the wrong man.

I do remember my mother's generation not having that luxury.
Sassenach I'm not sure what that generation is - do you mean women who went through the war years - because they had to be independent, and in fact many were widowed and had to get on with everything - they were strong women.

If you mean women now in their 70s then you may not have heard of the 1960s Women's Liberation Movement.

Saggi it may be too late, but we should start as we mean to go on, although I did have to do a lot of that when DH was away with work.

Unless you need a crisp white shirt every day, why?
I'll ask DH Maggie
He does need a crisp white shirt from time to time but even so - everything gets ironed!!

M0nica, you have obviously taken umbrage with my posts and seem determined to cast me as 'ageist' which I certainly am not and I take umbrage myself, at your suggestion. I feel that we should not be hi-jacking Nana's thread with this pointless to-ing and fro-ing but so be it.

Of course women of the older generation are not all subservient, neither are younger women, but some are.

I can only speak from observance of women of my mother's generation and the mining village I grew up in. There was no university for them or opportunities to break away and find a well-paid career. Most found a lad from the village and became sub-servient wives and mothers devoted to house and home, some were happy, many were not. Maybe this has coloured my views but it taught me never to sit back and let myself be taken for granted, which my original post was advising.

That is the end of the matter as far as I am concerned, I see no need for further debate, I suggest you bring an end to your barrage too.

Which is why I recommended earlier to the OP finding what he likes to do and entrusting him with it, instead of insisting he does something he clearly hates.
Absolutely Maggiemaybe - my DH irons because I hate it.
As for carpet laying - well I am in awe!!

DH is very good at DIY which has saved us a lot over the years - apart from the fact that he hates decorating so we do get someone in to do that now.
However, if your DH is capable but won't, then sit him down and ask him exactly how much he thinks it would cost to get someone in to do all the small jobs around the house that need doing. He may be happy to pay or not, in which case give him a 'snagging list'.

I had to persuade DH to find some hobbies other than gardening and DIY when he retired so he joined various groups and charities and now he's out more than me.

I did insist that on at least one day a week we go out together, not shopping, just to a NT property or similar, or out for a walk and lunch, although today was shopping (not for food).
We have a handwritten diary so that we can check what we're doing and then find things to do together on free days.

We do seem to hear about those men who don't share the chores. I am absolutely certain there are men out there caring for sick partners, doing more than their share of chores and looking after grandchildren. Let's hear about them now.

Happy to help, sodapop. As stated, mine does all the day to day catering, the gardening (including a large allotment), the rubbish and other mucky jobs (drain clearing, etc). We also do our DGS duties together, and he has a great relationship with the lads. When his mum was alive and needing care, he and his brother did the bulk of it. He does his share of dishwashing and laundry, though to be fair machines do most of that. He does most of the vaccing. He'd happily do DIY, but I've learnt from experience to steer him away from it, especially if I see a hammer in his hand....

Leaving me with tidying, dusting, kitchen and bathroom cleaning, and my share of the laundry, dishwashing and childcare. When we have family meals here or friends round, I'm in charge. I do the decorating, carpet laying, etc when required and the admin (finance, holiday planning, present buying, booking stuff). House repairs we leave to the experts. Nobody irons.

As for grocery shopping, I click, he collects.

So, we play to our strengths and we each have oodles of spare time to enjoy both together and separately. Which is why I recommended earlier to the OP finding what he likes to do and entrusting him with it, instead of insisting he does something he clearly hates.

I'm speaking not only for myself but also for my late mum.
Born 1921. Important role in WW2. SAHM then university in the 50's. Successful teaching career, retiring as a respected head teacher.
Brought up 3 independent daughters with the full support of dad.
Her role model was my gran (born 1896). She ran the small family business while G'dad served in WW1 and 2 and then alongside him later.
She was a super gran who introduced us to dancing and theatre. Although she was widowed in her 50's she was a shining example of a strong woman to family and friends.

But sassenach you said you can almost guess the age group of the posters by their willingness to put up with c..p and be complete doormats and I think that is rubbish.

I know of no evidence to suggest that older women are more likely to be door mats than younger women and I do get sick of reading articles suggesting women of an older generation lived more constrained subservient lives; not working, not having careers, devoted to house and home

Women, now 80, reached adulthood in the late 50s/60s. were part of the 60s generation that broke away from previous constraints and took every opportunity to shape their own lives, for good or ill. The suggestion that older women were more likely to be subservient haus fraus is ridiculous.